Welcome back to the second episode of Swim in the Stream of my Consciousness!

i’m your host, Lexi.

what a thing to admit that when someone looks at me with real love i don’t like it very much. kinda makes me feel like i’m being crushed.

is this something that you would like to discuss?

-florence welch

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it’s happening again.

i am waking up between 3-4 am every morning unable to go back to sleep.

the last time this happened was during 2020 lockdown when i was living in nyc. this was pre apartment fire. i couldn’t figure out why i kept waking up.

lol

i’ve since learned that it was/is an activated parasympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight zone, waking me. uprisings, lockdown, unemployment, pandemic, politics. strange i found it strange i was having trouble sleeping but you know what they say about hindsight.

when i feel trapped i experience stress or anxiety. my shoulders and neck have been tight for years now. another thing i’ve learned is that this tightness is emotional tension. yep, that is where it’s held. *tip* an acupuncturist told me percussion massage (beating on the affected areas) helps break up the connection to your nervous system.

your hips hold all kinds of fun stuff, too, like frustration (!), grief, loss, fear, etc so when you stretch your hips, be sure to roll your neck & shoulder around a bit afterwards. the information travels upward.

i can’t move my body to it’s full capacity. i feel stagnant, my stomach queasy. outside, the overgrown holly bush claws at my window in the night. i claw from inside. the temperature drops low and i wake up freezing in the middle of the night, right on schedule. the power is out but when i awake i’m AWAKE. my fight or flight response is no joke; i’m wide-eyed and alert, immediately. i am fascinated by those who can fall asleep anywhere. haven’t they ever been hunted?

lately, any minor frustration or inconvenience has the potential to bring about tears. i do understand that the overflow of emotion happening within me is due in part to not being able to physically move my body like i’m used to. i haven’t been climbing, farming or even walking in the forest as my knee is still healing. i don’t particularly like being indoors so yes, my mental health is suffering but this runs deeper than some temporary injury. it’s not a new development, i’ve just been repressing it.

it’s a peculiar thing, feeling the most isolated in the place you were born and raised. all of the same people are here- family and friends- but i rarely see them. i’ve never understood how people cultivate community in a place where you don’t have access to anything. unless you have a car, i suppose, but why is a death machine that is harming the planet the solution to my needs? sitting in traffic surrounded by a sea of clunky metal vessels, most of them transporting only a singular person, the driver, who is obviously texting on their phone. you’re driving at least 30 minutes to meet a friend and pay $15 for a drink at bar in a neighborhood that you used to love before everything that you loved about it was displaced or destroyed. careful not to drink too much because you will have to drive that fossil-fuel burning baby at least 30 mins back, or anywhere else you may need to go. all the sacrifices of living in a city- too expensive, too crowded, aggressive cops, gentrification, crime- and none of the perks (CONVENIENCE, fun stuff)? sounds like a scam to me. none of these thoughts are new or revelatory, but my body is letting me know that she’s had enough.

“i’m sorry you feel like a bird in a cage,” my partner says to me. as i am responding “me too” he continues, “and i’m not totally absolved from that.”

i smoke weed to suppress an urge to break free. it’s a futile attempt at taming my wildness and it’s not working anymore. it’s clouding my ability to see a way out but it is also the only thing that helps me, eventually, sleep.

i don’t really like being relationships. is that something people in relationships are supposed to say? i feel the most isolated i can ever remember feeling. my years of hermiting have caught up with me, i’ve known this for a while, yet i’m still not free of it. i am prolonging the process for some reason. i am traveling the world but i am tired of traveling. and when i come home it is only okay for about a day or two before this bird feels caged, again. i explain to my partner all of the ways that this city, where i’m from, has never felt like home. i’m sure i have friends here but sometimes i wonder. i sincerely have no idea what people get up to here. no vehicle. no ideas. no desire. this place feels paralyzing to me. i seem to only find solace in the forest and they’re always trying to take that away too.

south river forest

defend the atlanta forest

stop cop city

donate to legal fund here or through (2 days left) south river forest’s ig

i’m straining to fit into a cage that i don’t belong. i’ve been here before. leaving was always the answer because i only learned how to take care of myself. i was raised by 2 strong, gentle single women. then i went off and let experience raise me. this is how i’ve ended up.

i never learned to express my needs to men and never felt the need to, but now when i find myself in heterosexual relationships they can be triggering as hell. i never handled disappointment well, at all, so i taught myself to eradicate expectations of others and rely only on myself. i extinguished fear, sick! but i also snuffed out excitement, passion. i don’t want to take care of a man, and i don’t think i want one to take care of me. as an Aries Venus I want a partner in crime, no fawning b******t.

What Venus in Aries wants most of all is not a weight to their scale, someone to balance their talents and flaws, or someone who murmurs over their wounds or even someone who waits for them. What Venus in Aries wants most of all is simply a partner in crime. This isn’t a Venus that is concerned about doing good and making sure that they are seen doing good. This is a Venus that moves with action first. Venus in Aries wouldn’t be caught dead talking about their good works. Venus in Aries acts and then wonders what it all means later. They need to be able to move and thinking about things before moving means wasting valuable motivation and time. This is why Aries Venus is so hopelessly attracted to mischievousness. Embodying mischievousness gives them the permission that they need to move at the pace they need.Venus in Aries doesn’t care about how they are seen. This is the Venus with the rumpled collar, with the bed head, and with the mismatched socks, sloppily dressed with shoes always worse for wear. Even as artists, Venus in Aries is anti-aesthetic. They have an instinctive derision towards aesthetics. They sense that aesthetics are a kind of bureaucracy that they have no time or patience for. Just get the thing done and how it looks is how it looks. Who gives a s**t about anything that is more than what is absolutely instrumental? You’ll notice that Venus in Aries doesn’t usually have a lot of stuff.

-Alice Sparkly Cat, Astrologer

is this whole Anti-Experience making more sense you now, sweetest Anti-Reader?

my partner loves rolling open fields where, if you’re quiet enough, you’ll hear the wind travel. pastures of clover and soft green grass where you can run for miles. i prefer the shelter of a cave, the sanctuary of a forest. a little over a year ago, we were camping atop a mountain somewhere in the lush jungles of puerto rico. we took mushrooms on empty stomachs and as the trip was winding down we sat around a fire and he began jovially exclaiming his revelations about the things i would often talk about. “I now understand why you hate grocery stores!!” “my phone IS gross, keep it away.” “it really is All About Love!!” “did you hear that?? are those MONKEYS in the distance?”

i must admit that i will go to great lengths to avoid people when i’m in the forest, or really nature of any kind. if it’s unavoidable i will simply contract until i am distanced enough from their energy to feel ease. sometimes the interaction is pleasant but it always feels like an interruption. my partner doesn’t understand. i think he finds it quirky. i’ve tried explaining that for me, seeing people when i am enveloped in nature is akin to seeing “other” people when you’re tripping. it sort of takes on this us against them feeling. a wariness, a cautiousness washes over me. frankly, a momentary buzzkill. we have this theory that my base line internal state is similar to that of a person tripping— magic in the mundane, intuition overload, Sensual City developing my cognitive experience, deep observations of immediate environments and figuring out how they fit into larger ones. the macro in the micro. my partner is more overtly curious; he likes to pick things up from the ground and wonder about them aloud, asking questions. he says i am the least curious person in the world.

he seems fascinated with my “presence” as in my willingness to be present. it isn’t profound or anything, it’s actually quite simple- quality time is a “love language” of my mine and i don’t like being on my phone. i’m painfully analog and not in an ironic, post-modern way that Max Bemis would ridicule me for. i am convinced my life would be easier if i was able to embrace more technology, however i am also convinced that that is only because we are living in late-stage capitalism. fixating on the future is silly to me because the future doesn’t exist, but right now does so that’s where i’m at.

my partner is indulgent, neurodivergent, addicted to his phone, and yes, subscribed to this newsletter. his love language is touch and he will temporarily obsess over various hobbies- which will subsequently turn me off from them lol. i call him a gadget guy. he brought all 5 of his cords to the top on that puerto rican mountain where we slept in a canvas tent without *gasp* electricity, but forgot his jacket. he is caring and always willing to help. he is shocked by my ability to quit things cold turkey. he operates under beautiful Abundance Law but i’m Stuck in Scarcity. i am intolerant, hyperaware, and difficult to please. in my scarce state, obsession & indulgence seem like dangerous weaknesses.

as i write this, i hear a deep, loud constant buzz and then a disconcerting tearing sound. it will continue all day. a ruthless machine roaring in the distance. i know this sound. frustration slowly rises up like heat in my body at how we continue to further harm an already wounded land. the sound continues, someone across the street is removing trees. buzz, kill, buzz, kill.

i know there can be power in fighting, but always at a cost. i hear there can be power in staying. my knee is healing now, and i’m moving more. in my notes i wrote self doubt is selfish in bold. i’m not sure how i expect my needs and desires to be met if i am unable to express them. when i hold it all in it still comes out, just in a much more unattractive way that leaves others feeling helpless or worse.

a man at a brewery tells me i should take up more space and he’s right, but i get the feeling that he’s never been hunted. all of the hunters i’ve ever known looked exactly like him.

thank you for reading <3 if you’d like to support me and my work you can join the anti-experience. we’d luv to have ya 🐜

please have a look at Ski Lex before you go, in case i never go skiing again!

the face of someone who doesn’t have to see another Godforsaken Gift Guide for a whole year.

love you bye

Thank you for reading THE ANTIEXPERIENCE. This post is public so feel free to share it.

(if you don’t feel like reading ^^that’s a read-along!^^)

WOW! hello beautiful Reader! how have you been? I’ve missed you very much. Have you had a cup of tea today? Enough water? Go ahead and pause …

right

now

and make yourself a cup. go on - this silly newsletter ain’t goin anywhere.

🍵

delicious 🍯 now, where were we?

ah, yes. I was casually sauntering into your inbox after almost 4 months but who’s really counting anymore? well, if you are then i’ll give you some context. winter is for hibernating, or at least that’s what i’m going with. but now, we are well into fickle spring here in the northern hemisphere and it’s screaming fertility and i am in the throes of my [first] saturn return and if i was enlightened i would say something profound about the virtues of patience with the ebbs and flows of life, like the seasons, but it somehow took me 29 years to start tracking my [menstrual] cycle and so sure, maybe i have been making an infinitesimal effort to honor a more cyclical lifestyle but i’d be lying if i said i had any sort of control over my creativity and i sure gotta long way to go to profundity.

do you like it when i get personal right off the bat or do you prefer to be eased in?

now that the “hibernation” period is over I am spring-ing (🥴) back to life. and not only that but i am renewing some things, naturally. refreshing! :pops top: ahhh! have you noticed anything different? oh, Change you sweet, familiar friend. All Life is Change so we’d do well to learn to pivot. and pivoting we are. we have a new name— the anti-experience! we’re doing some anti-curated life and travel that i envision growing into a collective of sorts and this newsletter is now an extension of it. it is still me, rambling.

anti-curated life and travel is what i know. it’s anti because it’s not pretty or conventional. you have to be willing to make sacrifices, you have to learn to adapt while staying true to yourself. you will get no Top 10 Digital Nomad Destination lists here. take what you see at your own risk. i have a complicated relationship with travel. for me, at the absolute least, it has to be rooted in an intention to truly connect with the culture and its people. everything is an energy exchange. it’s important that you contribute. that you aren’t taking more than you’re giving. i’ve never been rich in money, but there are many types of currency. Once you really get out there, you start to see how small and connected the world really is. i’m here to help bridge some gaps. i’m here, not to show you, but to truly share it with you + those i meet along the way. to connect. to support. to grow, together. i see an economy where we are supporting each other with our gifts and talents. where we are not looking outside to faceless industries and institutions to get their acts together. where we put things directly in each other’s hands, be it physically or digitally, and can feel the vibrations of gratitude merging us. destination- everywhere and nowhere ;)

my entire life i wanted to see the world. i’m a creature of the earth. i want to anti-experience it. it is a natural and evolutionary propensity for homo sapiens to move. the first time i ever did inner child work i closed my eyes, sat in meditation, and asked Little Lex what they needed right then. we were in my childhood backyard and as kindly as possible i told them they could have whatever it was that they wanted, that all they had to do was tell me what it was. a hug, a hand, a treat, a what? and you know what that bish said? nothing! they smiled real big and took off running. sprinting, rather! and not in a cute ha-ha way where they’re looking back because they want you to chase them. no. when Lil Lex was 2 years old they made the mistake of looking back to say “hey watch this” while running through the house and then immediately fell and cracked their head open on the corner where the walls meet and had to get 7 stitches. so now, they wanted to run unbothered and unobserved. they wanted to express without having to explain. they wanted to feel free. I try to honor Lil Lex as often as i can. that bish <3

many of the most impactful moments in my life have happened through the generosity of others. I have met strangers turned chosen family while stranded at bus stations in foreign places. strangers have offered invitations, help, and places to sleep more often than most of my own family. the willingness of others to open their doors for me has directly opened my own Doors of Perception, no psychedelics necessary (but always welcomed). frankly, we’re better together. no, i’m not on psychedelics right now.

we are taught to fear The Other, to have our guard up, to be in competition with each other. but all of my biggest blessings arrive when i fully open myself up to receiving them. and duh, mishaps and sketchy things happen. you don’t get the biscuits without some f**k-its and risk-its. the anti-experience isn’t afraid of that; it doesn’t want to hide, it wants to feel alive. it wants to run with bare feet.

currently, i have access to a small backyard covered in poison oak save for 7 small concrete squares that provide a landing place once stepping out of the backdoor. so it is there, atop the concrete slabs, where i have begun a garden out of recycled plastic containers. it isn’t grandiose or glamorous in the slightest. it is, however, resourceful, mobile, and adaptable which, in my reality, has always proved more rewarding than grandioseness and glamour. soon, we will clear the poison and the place will feel expansive. for now, we do what we can with what we’ve got. it’s finding abundance in the mundane. the macro is in the micro, after all. the pattern of snail shells is also found in our milky way galaxy.

they say tend to the garden in your own backyard and i fully agree. my backyards just happen to change or rotate often. that must be why i end up keeping them mobile and adaptable. a friend once mentioned “the millennial jet set dream” to me and i didn’t know what she meant. it is in my roots to migrate. it’s in all of ours. humans have been migrating since the beginning, are migrating now, and will probably be migrating a lot more in the near future… since i was a child i’ve understood that there is much for me to learn that i am unable to do in the land that i was raised, even if i didn’t understand what exactly that was. fast forward to taking leaps and following desires to places that i wouldn’t even find out i had some kind of connection, be it ancestral, cosmic, pedagogical, etc., until much later. the body knows. the soul knows. but you have to be willing to follow the subtlest pings. you have to listen.

in the spirit of new endeavors i will be committing more to this newsletter from here on out. i don’t do well with routine so i am seeing it more as a ritual that i am able to share with you! to be more intentional (that word again..), to commit to a practice, to reflect and get vulnerable, to find the magic in the mundane.

I am opening up paid subscriptions for the lowest price substack will allow ($5/month) to this newsletter where I will share writing OR a podcast (!) episode to your inbox once a week. you’ll get the true grit of the anti-experience. perhaps one day i will finish coding its website. if you’re subscribed to this you’ll be the first to know-it-all. if you have instagram you can follow along here.

free subscribers will get the occasional newsletter as always <3

if this newsletter has ever made you feel something and you want to support the anti-experience please consider becoming a paid subscriber. or maybe you wanna buy me a tea, since i’m quitting coffee :( as someone who currently doesn’t have an income the support is deeply appreciated!

i love you, i’m happy to be back, i hope you enjoyed the read-along, i turn “30” in 1 week. i still feel like Little Lex. big kiss to you, thank you for being here and being a part of this community 🤝🌺🌞

here’s a photo of me emerging from the depths of winter to play with the light of spring. my eye color is different ?? i must have i shape-shifted down there.