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Swinging vs Naturism
Do you seek to be comfortable in your body, or be just a piece of meat?
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.
Getting naked with a mixed social group might be a tantalizing item
on your bucket list, but the options can be radically different, and
lead to disappointment, even betrayal and abandonment. To the person
who’s never seriously considered getting naked in a large mixed group,
perhaps all the options seem the same. But where some groups, like
swingers clubs; gather with the intent of openly sexual interactions;
Naturist and nudist clubs specifically ban public sexuality. Even an
innocent erection might be frowned upon and the guy might be asked to
step apart from the women while he’s turgid.
Some
naturists clubs have an unspoken bias against any male arousal. They
even tend to blame an erect man for proliferating a ‘rape culture’.
But at the swingers club, the turgid male; especially if heavily
endowed; is almost revered. A man or woman whose physique is rather
‘unremarkable’ may end the event feeling disappointed and inferior. It’s
perhaps that ‘meat-market’ culture which diverts many people to the
non-sexual naturist clubs. A man with a considerably small cock, hidden
in a thick pubic bush, has little to fear at a Naturist club.
You might see more women than men at a naturist club, but you’ll
definitely see way more men at a swinger club. That’s what leads a
modestly-endowed man to give up on the swingers club, unless he’s there
with his devoted female life partner.
But let’s hear from a young woman who has created a naturist society
for younger adults. Zahra Barnes shares her report on the club that
Felicity Jones started.
Naturism Liberated Me
This Is What It's Like To Live Most of Your Life Naked
I firmly believe that if you want to experience euphoria sans drugs,
all you have to do is take off your bra after a long workday. And
post-shower, you can often find me wrestling my freshly-lotioned legs
into a pair of jeans, muttering questions like, "Why can't I just live my life naked?"
The thing is, I can. And some people do. Nudists and naturists
participate in plenty of normal activities like swimming, camping, and
karaoke without clothes. The degrees of nudity vary; some people are
naked pretty much all the time, while others reserve it for social
events every so often. But to hear them tell it, life is much better in
the nude.
While you may have heard of nudists, chances are you're a little less
familiar with naturists. Although the terms are often used
interchangeably, some people believe certain nuances classify them as
two different bodies. "We define nudism as being more about the actual
nudity, while naturism has more of a philosophy behind it," Felicity
Jones, 27, a resident of Long Island City, N.Y. and co-founder of Young Naturists America, YNA,
tells SELF. "It’s about accepting people as they are, and also
promoting the values of respecting other people and the environment." Of
course, most naturists can't be naked all the
time, because laws exist and being naked in jail doesn't sound
particularly comfortable. But when they can, they do, and they enjoy the
hell out of it.
Let's clear one thing up: Naturism's not about sex.
Sometimes it's easiest to define naturism by describing what it's
not. "A lot of people imagine that it’s this amped up sexual
environment, like people are having sex in the open or having orgies,"
says Felicity. "It’s not like that at all. There’s a time and place for
everything," she says, while noting that YNA has "very rarely" had to
kick people out of events because they're acting inappropriately.
Stateside nudism and naturism have their roots in the American Association for Nude Recreation,
which was founded in 1931. With an spotlight on "wholesome nude family
recreation," the organization's mission is "to advocate nudity and nude
recreation in appropriate settings while educating and informing society
of their value and enjoyment," according to their website. Similar
institutions cropped up after, like The Naturist Society, which was founded in 1980.
If you're like, wait, record scratch, people are advocating me getting naked with my family?
You're not alone. But as someone who grew up in a home where bodies
weren't a thing to be hidden; we weren't naturists by any stretch of the
imagination, but I wasn't taught to fear or shame nudity; I can see why
this is worthwhile. So can Felicity, who grew up with a
nudity-embracing family in New Jersey, and laughingly calls herself a
"third-generation naturist." She co-founded YNA in 2010, and to date,
they have around 400 members in the States and internationally. In
addition to raising awareness about naturism, they put on events like
the nude, public Bodypainting Day this coming July 9th, in New York and Amsterdam.
Misconceptions about the naturist lifestyle can have far-reaching
implications. "When I post naked photos of myself online, I have to deal
with sexual harassment, cock pics, and people assuming that because I’m
naked I must be looking for sex," says Felicity. And while running YNA
is her full-time job, her partner and co-founder works in sales. "His
boss and coworkers all know [he's a naturist], but his boss wasn’t
comfortable with him using his real name because people will Google
before doing business with him," she says. Even though naturism's
intentions are innocent, it can be hard for people to see it that way.
So, no, naturism isn't a cover for massive, wild orgies. Felicity and
her co-founder started it in the hopes of filling a void in modern
nudity-focused communities. "We didn’t want it to be just about getting
naked, but creating a body-positive environment and combatting body shame," she says.
Lose the clothes, gain self-esteem?
Naturism fits beautifully into a society that's increasingly open to
the idea that "perfection" doesn't exist. "Being a naturist forces you
to accept who you see in the mirror," Serenity Hart,
26, a naturist and nude model in New York, tells SELF. Growing up as a
black girl, she loathed the color of her skin and the texture of her
hair. "I wished I could change who I was every day, until I found nude
modeling," she says. "It challenged me to look past the things I
couldn't change, but also learn how to embrace them. Nudity has changed
my life." A big fan of naturism's confidence-boosting effects,
Serenity wants to spread the message. Like basically everything else in
the 21st century, she's using the Internet to do it.
Serenity offers Naked Skype Sessions for $30 an hour, or a package
deal of $120 for five sessions. She stumbled upon the idea when she
answered a friend's Skype call while in the nude. "At first she was
uncomfortable and embarrassed for me even apologized and covered her
eyes," says Serenity. Then, they got to talking about where this deeply
ingrained negative reaction to nudity comes from. "I asked her to join
me in being naked, and she did. So, Naked Skype was born," Serenity
explains. "There is nothing more vulnerable than being completely
present with a friend or stranger in the nude. No labels, no facade, no
judgments, just openness and embracing your true self." She currently
has 10 sessions per week with men and women around the world, usually
talking about self-love and how to foster positive body image. "The
sense of empowerment makes it all worth it for me," she says.
That emphasis on healthy self-image is a cornerstone of YNA's
philosophy. That's largely because Felicity realized how beneficial
nudity had been to her growing up when she and her family attended the Rock Lodge Nudist Club in
northern New Jersey. "I saw the human body in so many different forms,"
she says. "I wasn’t so influenced by this culture that says if you
don’t have a certain body type, you shouldn’t be taking off your
clothes."
This is especially important for women. "A lot of the nudity taboo is
about female breasts and genitals. People don’t see those parts on
actual average bodies, so they can have a lot of anxiety," says
Felicity. Growing up as a naturist, she was able to appreciate how broad
the private-part spectrum is. "You see that they come in all shapes and
sizes and can be as unique as a person’s face. That alleviates a lot of
body shame and anxiety," she says. Given that American teenagers are
more frequently asking for their labia to be trimmed, this message is more crucial than ever; especially because in general, women's labia are perfect just the way they are.
Another essential part of naturism is bonding with the environment.
"For me, it's about being able to connect with nature in a way that is
impossible while bound in material," Sheila, a 31 year old naturist in
Northampton, tells SELF. "It's a chance to be wild and forget all the
artificial day-to-day things that people fill their lives with." But one
of her other favorite parts of naturism is that she can engage in
recreational activities with people who hold the same feelings about how
restrictive clothing can be. "My first time playing at a pool table
without a top was interesting," she says. "I never knew how boobs can
get in the way when trying to play!"
Even before talking to these women, I considered myself extremely
accepting of nudity. But after digging deeper and discovering the
lifestyle's confidence-related benefits, I see that nudity can solve so
much more than the fact that pants can feel like leg prisons. I have to
admit that when Felicity invited me to participate in the upcoming
Bodypainting Day event, the opportunity sparked some temptation. But in
the end, I had to say no. Even though my self-esteem is quite solid, I'm
not brave enough to show the world everything I've got. Although I'll
be keeping the rest of my clothes on, my hat's off to anyone who is.
Now let’s hear from Dr. Nikki Goldstein, about the real culture of many swinger clubs.
The danger of turning your swinging fantasy into a reality
Many fantasize about swinging, but few can make it work. Nikki Goldstein has been in sex clubs and seen what really goes down.
Standing on the side of the road at 1:30am with the rain pelting
down, I was shielded from the wet weather but drenched from tears of the
woman in my arms.
I was consoling her because her boyfriend had just walked off in a
fit of anger after witnessing her erotically massaged by another man at a
private sex club.
Ill-prepared couples often jump into this world of swinging, where
there are many misconceptions and false fantasies and a high risk of
someone ending up in tears. Sometimes hearts, sexual confidence, egos
and relationships are broken.
It is still taboo to talk about sex and the subject of swinging or
attending sex clubs is probably not one discussed at the office water
cooler. It is a world protected by privacy and anonymity, something that
is also responsible for those eager to check it out first hand.
However many party goers do not understand what really happens — it’s not all a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.
If we were more open about sex, maybe we would make our decisions
from a more informed place rather than a desire to explore unknown
taboos for all the wrong reasons.
The problem is, how will you ever know what it feels like to watch
your partner with someone else until you see it? The catch is that once
you enter this environment, even if it’s just for a look, you might be
faced with a reality you are not equipped to handle or ready to deal
with. This is why preparation, communication and education are a must.
It’s a great fantasy, but would you really be OK watching your loved one with another person?
So, what actually happens in these clubs?
Most clubs in Australia are exclusive but still open to the general
public and are either for couples or single females with some having all
singles nights. They are hidden and off the beaten track and are BYO.
When you enter there is often a room with lockers where you can
safely store your possessions and clothes and nearby there might be a
hot tub or spa where you can meet some couples you want to “mingle”
with.
There are also common areas where you can hang out and chat with
others and areas such as dance, bondage and “play” rooms where the real
action take place. Some have rooms full of mattresses and swings and
others couches or beds. Some even look like hotel rooms with showers.
Many of these places from the outside would seem to be just normal
apartments, town houses or factories and you might not even know if one
was next door to you.
At best they can be great places to explore your sexuality, but it also takes a special type of couple to be able to survive it.
Inside, there can be a lack of seduction and people are often treated
like a piece of meat with sexual play being done as easily as you would
shake hands. You can see people going through the motions of sex like
it’s mechanical. There are of course some scenes which can be sexy and
entertaining but I am often disheartened on how sex no longer seems to
be special at these clubs and is viewed as just another thing to do on a
Saturday night.
I have also found at times a lack of respect for the people that have
engaged in “play” together. When the fantasy bubble is bust and the
tears come out, sometimes those involved back away very quickly.
I have been encouraged to explore these clubs and have been greeted
by all personality types from the experienced swingers who love everyone
and sex with everyone to the ego males using this as an excuse to bed
more women and the poor partners going along out of fear their partner
will cheat behind their back if they don’t agree.
The reality doesn’t often look like this.
There are the exhibitionists and those wanting to have their sexual
desirability validated by the multitude of wondering hands and advances.
There are also just the people that really want to play and engage in
sexy fun.
But there is also a culture that surrounds these clubs that is one of
severe alcohol and drug usage. In order to stay up all night having sex
with strangers or people you have just met, some often feel their
inhibitions need to be lowered chemically.
I personally find sex itself a high and my inhibitions are there as a
common sense barrier to protect me, but unfortunately that is not the
case for everyone. And with increased alcohol and drug usage comes the
decrease chance of protection being used. Condoms, lubricant and wet
whips line the walls but at the end of the day, no one can make you use
them. (One day I will invent the condom police).
I might seem negative, but while there are many couples for whom this
lifestyle has worked and is still working for them, I want to give a
warning. These clubs are not for everyone and I only hope people can
work that out before they enter the doors and play.
How To Do It Right
But if this is a strong sexual desire or something on your sexual
bucket list, here is my checklist for what you need to know before to
entering a world that can be exciting, sexual but also relationships
suicide.
1. Ask yourself and your partner why you want to do this. Is it a
sexual fantasy or relationships rescue? If it’s the first, then proceed,
but if this is an attempt to patch things up in the bedroom, you could
be putting yourself at a higher risk.
2. Communicate with your partner and discuss this situation A LOT.
What would your boundaries be if you did this and what would it look
like? You might just want to go for a watch or lightly play with someone
else. Just being there doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex
with other people. It’s also vital to discuss signs and signals for when
you are not comfortable
3. Be creative with labels. If you want to explore this world it
doesn’t mean you have to call yourself swingers or fit into a category
of what you think this looks like. You create your own label (if you
even want one) and your own rules.
4. Do your research. It’s good to look online and find out what clubs are in your area and how they work
5. Talk to other people. If you don’t know someone who is in this
lifestyle jump on various chat rooms and ask what it is all about and
maybe some tips for how other couples make rules and boundaries.
6. Use fantasy to test it out. When you are next having an intimate
moment with your partner, talk as though you were in a club and what you
might see around you. It’s good to gauge how you feel about the
presence of others around you being sexual and wanting to be sexual with
you. How would you feel?
7. Just go have a look first. Sometimes go and have a look one night
to see how you feel. Make the rule that you will not participate that
night no matter how much you want to and discuss what you saw and how
you felt when you return home.
8. If at any time you feel uncomfortable leave.
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein.
This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.
View all episodes
By Steamy Stories Do you seek to be comfortable in your body, or be just a piece of meat?
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.
Getting naked with a mixed social group might be a tantalizing item
on your bucket list, but the options can be radically different, and
lead to disappointment, even betrayal and abandonment. To the person
who’s never seriously considered getting naked in a large mixed group,
perhaps all the options seem the same. But where some groups, like
swingers clubs; gather with the intent of openly sexual interactions;
Naturist and nudist clubs specifically ban public sexuality. Even an
innocent erection might be frowned upon and the guy might be asked to
step apart from the women while he’s turgid.
Some
naturists clubs have an unspoken bias against any male arousal. They
even tend to blame an erect man for proliferating a ‘rape culture’.
But at the swingers club, the turgid male; especially if heavily
endowed; is almost revered. A man or woman whose physique is rather
‘unremarkable’ may end the event feeling disappointed and inferior. It’s
perhaps that ‘meat-market’ culture which diverts many people to the
non-sexual naturist clubs. A man with a considerably small cock, hidden
in a thick pubic bush, has little to fear at a Naturist club.
You might see more women than men at a naturist club, but you’ll
definitely see way more men at a swinger club. That’s what leads a
modestly-endowed man to give up on the swingers club, unless he’s there
with his devoted female life partner.
But let’s hear from a young woman who has created a naturist society
for younger adults. Zahra Barnes shares her report on the club that
Felicity Jones started.
Naturism Liberated Me
This Is What It's Like To Live Most of Your Life Naked
I firmly believe that if you want to experience euphoria sans drugs,
all you have to do is take off your bra after a long workday. And
post-shower, you can often find me wrestling my freshly-lotioned legs
into a pair of jeans, muttering questions like, "Why can't I just live my life naked?"
The thing is, I can. And some people do. Nudists and naturists
participate in plenty of normal activities like swimming, camping, and
karaoke without clothes. The degrees of nudity vary; some people are
naked pretty much all the time, while others reserve it for social
events every so often. But to hear them tell it, life is much better in
the nude.
While you may have heard of nudists, chances are you're a little less
familiar with naturists. Although the terms are often used
interchangeably, some people believe certain nuances classify them as
two different bodies. "We define nudism as being more about the actual
nudity, while naturism has more of a philosophy behind it," Felicity
Jones, 27, a resident of Long Island City, N.Y. and co-founder of Young Naturists America, YNA,
tells SELF. "It’s about accepting people as they are, and also
promoting the values of respecting other people and the environment." Of
course, most naturists can't be naked all the
time, because laws exist and being naked in jail doesn't sound
particularly comfortable. But when they can, they do, and they enjoy the
hell out of it.
Let's clear one thing up: Naturism's not about sex.
Sometimes it's easiest to define naturism by describing what it's
not. "A lot of people imagine that it’s this amped up sexual
environment, like people are having sex in the open or having orgies,"
says Felicity. "It’s not like that at all. There’s a time and place for
everything," she says, while noting that YNA has "very rarely" had to
kick people out of events because they're acting inappropriately.
Stateside nudism and naturism have their roots in the American Association for Nude Recreation,
which was founded in 1931. With an spotlight on "wholesome nude family
recreation," the organization's mission is "to advocate nudity and nude
recreation in appropriate settings while educating and informing society
of their value and enjoyment," according to their website. Similar
institutions cropped up after, like The Naturist Society, which was founded in 1980.
If you're like, wait, record scratch, people are advocating me getting naked with my family?
You're not alone. But as someone who grew up in a home where bodies
weren't a thing to be hidden; we weren't naturists by any stretch of the
imagination, but I wasn't taught to fear or shame nudity; I can see why
this is worthwhile. So can Felicity, who grew up with a
nudity-embracing family in New Jersey, and laughingly calls herself a
"third-generation naturist." She co-founded YNA in 2010, and to date,
they have around 400 members in the States and internationally. In
addition to raising awareness about naturism, they put on events like
the nude, public Bodypainting Day this coming July 9th, in New York and Amsterdam.
Misconceptions about the naturist lifestyle can have far-reaching
implications. "When I post naked photos of myself online, I have to deal
with sexual harassment, cock pics, and people assuming that because I’m
naked I must be looking for sex," says Felicity. And while running YNA
is her full-time job, her partner and co-founder works in sales. "His
boss and coworkers all know [he's a naturist], but his boss wasn’t
comfortable with him using his real name because people will Google
before doing business with him," she says. Even though naturism's
intentions are innocent, it can be hard for people to see it that way.
So, no, naturism isn't a cover for massive, wild orgies. Felicity and
her co-founder started it in the hopes of filling a void in modern
nudity-focused communities. "We didn’t want it to be just about getting
naked, but creating a body-positive environment and combatting body shame," she says.
Lose the clothes, gain self-esteem?
Naturism fits beautifully into a society that's increasingly open to
the idea that "perfection" doesn't exist. "Being a naturist forces you
to accept who you see in the mirror," Serenity Hart,
26, a naturist and nude model in New York, tells SELF. Growing up as a
black girl, she loathed the color of her skin and the texture of her
hair. "I wished I could change who I was every day, until I found nude
modeling," she says. "It challenged me to look past the things I
couldn't change, but also learn how to embrace them. Nudity has changed
my life." A big fan of naturism's confidence-boosting effects,
Serenity wants to spread the message. Like basically everything else in
the 21st century, she's using the Internet to do it.
Serenity offers Naked Skype Sessions for $30 an hour, or a package
deal of $120 for five sessions. She stumbled upon the idea when she
answered a friend's Skype call while in the nude. "At first she was
uncomfortable and embarrassed for me even apologized and covered her
eyes," says Serenity. Then, they got to talking about where this deeply
ingrained negative reaction to nudity comes from. "I asked her to join
me in being naked, and she did. So, Naked Skype was born," Serenity
explains. "There is nothing more vulnerable than being completely
present with a friend or stranger in the nude. No labels, no facade, no
judgments, just openness and embracing your true self." She currently
has 10 sessions per week with men and women around the world, usually
talking about self-love and how to foster positive body image. "The
sense of empowerment makes it all worth it for me," she says.
That emphasis on healthy self-image is a cornerstone of YNA's
philosophy. That's largely because Felicity realized how beneficial
nudity had been to her growing up when she and her family attended the Rock Lodge Nudist Club in
northern New Jersey. "I saw the human body in so many different forms,"
she says. "I wasn’t so influenced by this culture that says if you
don’t have a certain body type, you shouldn’t be taking off your
clothes."
This is especially important for women. "A lot of the nudity taboo is
about female breasts and genitals. People don’t see those parts on
actual average bodies, so they can have a lot of anxiety," says
Felicity. Growing up as a naturist, she was able to appreciate how broad
the private-part spectrum is. "You see that they come in all shapes and
sizes and can be as unique as a person’s face. That alleviates a lot of
body shame and anxiety," she says. Given that American teenagers are
more frequently asking for their labia to be trimmed, this message is more crucial than ever; especially because in general, women's labia are perfect just the way they are.
Another essential part of naturism is bonding with the environment.
"For me, it's about being able to connect with nature in a way that is
impossible while bound in material," Sheila, a 31 year old naturist in
Northampton, tells SELF. "It's a chance to be wild and forget all the
artificial day-to-day things that people fill their lives with." But one
of her other favorite parts of naturism is that she can engage in
recreational activities with people who hold the same feelings about how
restrictive clothing can be. "My first time playing at a pool table
without a top was interesting," she says. "I never knew how boobs can
get in the way when trying to play!"
Even before talking to these women, I considered myself extremely
accepting of nudity. But after digging deeper and discovering the
lifestyle's confidence-related benefits, I see that nudity can solve so
much more than the fact that pants can feel like leg prisons. I have to
admit that when Felicity invited me to participate in the upcoming
Bodypainting Day event, the opportunity sparked some temptation. But in
the end, I had to say no. Even though my self-esteem is quite solid, I'm
not brave enough to show the world everything I've got. Although I'll
be keeping the rest of my clothes on, my hat's off to anyone who is.
Now let’s hear from Dr. Nikki Goldstein, about the real culture of many swinger clubs.
The danger of turning your swinging fantasy into a reality
Many fantasize about swinging, but few can make it work. Nikki Goldstein has been in sex clubs and seen what really goes down.
Standing on the side of the road at 1:30am with the rain pelting
down, I was shielded from the wet weather but drenched from tears of the
woman in my arms.
I was consoling her because her boyfriend had just walked off in a
fit of anger after witnessing her erotically massaged by another man at a
private sex club.
Ill-prepared couples often jump into this world of swinging, where
there are many misconceptions and false fantasies and a high risk of
someone ending up in tears. Sometimes hearts, sexual confidence, egos
and relationships are broken.
It is still taboo to talk about sex and the subject of swinging or
attending sex clubs is probably not one discussed at the office water
cooler. It is a world protected by privacy and anonymity, something that
is also responsible for those eager to check it out first hand.
However many party goers do not understand what really happens — it’s not all a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.
If we were more open about sex, maybe we would make our decisions
from a more informed place rather than a desire to explore unknown
taboos for all the wrong reasons.
The problem is, how will you ever know what it feels like to watch
your partner with someone else until you see it? The catch is that once
you enter this environment, even if it’s just for a look, you might be
faced with a reality you are not equipped to handle or ready to deal
with. This is why preparation, communication and education are a must.
It’s a great fantasy, but would you really be OK watching your loved one with another person?
So, what actually happens in these clubs?
Most clubs in Australia are exclusive but still open to the general
public and are either for couples or single females with some having all
singles nights. They are hidden and off the beaten track and are BYO.
When you enter there is often a room with lockers where you can
safely store your possessions and clothes and nearby there might be a
hot tub or spa where you can meet some couples you want to “mingle”
with.
There are also common areas where you can hang out and chat with
others and areas such as dance, bondage and “play” rooms where the real
action take place. Some have rooms full of mattresses and swings and
others couches or beds. Some even look like hotel rooms with showers.
Many of these places from the outside would seem to be just normal
apartments, town houses or factories and you might not even know if one
was next door to you.
At best they can be great places to explore your sexuality, but it also takes a special type of couple to be able to survive it.
Inside, there can be a lack of seduction and people are often treated
like a piece of meat with sexual play being done as easily as you would
shake hands. You can see people going through the motions of sex like
it’s mechanical. There are of course some scenes which can be sexy and
entertaining but I am often disheartened on how sex no longer seems to
be special at these clubs and is viewed as just another thing to do on a
Saturday night.
I have also found at times a lack of respect for the people that have
engaged in “play” together. When the fantasy bubble is bust and the
tears come out, sometimes those involved back away very quickly.
I have been encouraged to explore these clubs and have been greeted
by all personality types from the experienced swingers who love everyone
and sex with everyone to the ego males using this as an excuse to bed
more women and the poor partners going along out of fear their partner
will cheat behind their back if they don’t agree.
The reality doesn’t often look like this.
There are the exhibitionists and those wanting to have their sexual
desirability validated by the multitude of wondering hands and advances.
There are also just the people that really want to play and engage in
sexy fun.
But there is also a culture that surrounds these clubs that is one of
severe alcohol and drug usage. In order to stay up all night having sex
with strangers or people you have just met, some often feel their
inhibitions need to be lowered chemically.
I personally find sex itself a high and my inhibitions are there as a
common sense barrier to protect me, but unfortunately that is not the
case for everyone. And with increased alcohol and drug usage comes the
decrease chance of protection being used. Condoms, lubricant and wet
whips line the walls but at the end of the day, no one can make you use
them. (One day I will invent the condom police).
I might seem negative, but while there are many couples for whom this
lifestyle has worked and is still working for them, I want to give a
warning. These clubs are not for everyone and I only hope people can
work that out before they enter the doors and play.
How To Do It Right
But if this is a strong sexual desire or something on your sexual
bucket list, here is my checklist for what you need to know before to
entering a world that can be exciting, sexual but also relationships
suicide.
1. Ask yourself and your partner why you want to do this. Is it a
sexual fantasy or relationships rescue? If it’s the first, then proceed,
but if this is an attempt to patch things up in the bedroom, you could
be putting yourself at a higher risk.
2. Communicate with your partner and discuss this situation A LOT.
What would your boundaries be if you did this and what would it look
like? You might just want to go for a watch or lightly play with someone
else. Just being there doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex
with other people. It’s also vital to discuss signs and signals for when
you are not comfortable
3. Be creative with labels. If you want to explore this world it
doesn’t mean you have to call yourself swingers or fit into a category
of what you think this looks like. You create your own label (if you
even want one) and your own rules.
4. Do your research. It’s good to look online and find out what clubs are in your area and how they work
5. Talk to other people. If you don’t know someone who is in this
lifestyle jump on various chat rooms and ask what it is all about and
maybe some tips for how other couples make rules and boundaries.
6. Use fantasy to test it out. When you are next having an intimate
moment with your partner, talk as though you were in a club and what you
might see around you. It’s good to gauge how you feel about the
presence of others around you being sexual and wanting to be sexual with
you. How would you feel?
7. Just go have a look first. Sometimes go and have a look one night
to see how you feel. Make the rule that you will not participate that
night no matter how much you want to and discuss what you saw and how
you felt when you return home.
8. If at any time you feel uncomfortable leave.
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein.
This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.