SWM 057 – Anonymous Questions – April 2020

For those who have been around Uncovering Intimacy for a while, you know that we get a fair number of anonymous questions to our Have A Question page.  These are questions that have come in without much context usually, and without any contact info.  So, we do our best to answer (my supporters group helps us out) and here’s what we came up with for April 2020.

Question 1 – Want more intimate nights with wife

What do I need to do differently to have more intimate nights with my wife? She’s never in the mood and never initiates anything sexually. I try to give her flowers, tell her I love her often, buy her things, spend quality time with her and do small favors but she still never initiates sex. And sex we do have is usually, boring, for lack of a better word. Same simple positions (because she doesn’t like anything else), nothing kinky and very quick usually. We did try your truth and dare and loved it! Thanks for answering. 

Sounds like she likely experiences responsive desire which means she doesn’t randomly get “in the mood” often, if at all.  All the stuff you’re doing shows love, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to suddenly want sex.  So, I wouldn’t expect her to ever initiate sex out of desire.  If you want to have more intimate nights, I’d initiate more often.

I’d also make an educated guess that your wife doesn’t like to be responsible for sex.  She probably liked the truth or dare game because it wasn’t her calling the shots – the game was.  She liked not being responsible for it. It’s an easy way to say “it’s not my fault, the game made me do it”.  If that’s the case, I’d be curious to know if our Sexy Memory game has the same effect.  If it does, then it might be you need to stop being so “nice”.  Don’t ask what she wants or if she likes something.  Tell her what to do.  For many wives, that’s a better way to go because then they can distance themselves from the responsibility of saying “yes” and just enjoy it because “it’s not my fault”.

Question 2 – Can I have sex with my ex-husband?

I filed for divorce after finding out my husband has been having affairs. We live in separate homes but he still asks for sex once in a while. Of course I want to, I still love him, however, I’m sure he may still be meeting with other women. Is it a sin to have sex with him?

So, the legalistic answer would be “well, you can have sex until the divorce goes through”.  For me though, I think once you decide to end the marriage, it’s already done in your heart, and so you should stop having sex.  My opinion would be that anything else is sexual immorality.  You’re already living separate lives – you are in essence no longer man and wife, whether or not the divorce is legal yet.

Question 3 – Does my husband want kinky sex?

Last year I discovered my husband had an affair. It was a short affair only because I found out by confronting him but it was also a very intense affair.  We had been married 20yrs when he had his affair and our sex life had settled into what I would call mature. Predictable yes but still very comfortable and active. However the sex he had with his affair partner was what I would liken to porn sex – BDSM type sex and even though...