My first real job after college was with one of the biggest talent agencies in the world: Creative Artists Agency (CAA). Talk about extreme imposter syndrome. How is this brown kid from a third world country rubbing elbows with some of the most influential people in entertainment?

This was a completely new world to me and the behavioral norms were foreign.

There was this one specific behavior that I used to have harsh judgement towards. You see, CAA was an extremely competitive and ruthless environment. Everyone wanted to rise up the ranks. Everyone wanted to represent and work with some of the most powerful celebrities in Hollywood. If you were new, the way to succeed would be to take up space and ask for what you want.

I had extreme judgements against these people.

Who do they think they were?What makes them special?What makes them deserve to rise up the ranks?

I was not aware of it then, but these were the same exact questions my inner critic were asking me.

Who do you think you are?What makes you special?What makes you deserve to rise up the ranks?

So I responded with this self-righteous approach. I thought that my hard work would speak for itself. I thought that’s how I would get noticed. I thought I was above the competitive nature. 

But it backfired. I ended up blending in. I played small. I didn’t ask for what I want.

Thankfully, I left on good terms but years later, I realized I had this resentment that lingered as I watched my fellow colleagues go on to be agents at CAA. They were experiencing great success and I felt left behind.

Now, let me be clear, there were probably other things at play in that system that might have prevented a brown dude like me from rising up the ranks. And while that might be true, I recognize that I also played a part in distancing myself from opportunities.

I didn’t lean into finding my voice and taking up space.

I didn’t ask for what I want.

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Believing Your Worth

I started working with a new client recently. She’s the founder of a successful CPG brand that’s selling in stores all over the country. As I look at her, I feel in awe of her success.

In our recent session, she expressed a deep concern she’s feeling as she’s about to go raise funds for her company.

“I have a hard time asking for what I want.” She said, with tears in her eyes.

So I asked her if she was willing to put her hand on her heart. She did. Together, we took deep breaths. Naturally, she closed her eyes.

I asked her if she could feel the part of herself that was worthy, no matter how much money she raises.

I asked her if she could feel the part of herself that is complete to begin with, despite all her previous achievements and all the success she’ll have in the future.

I asked her if she can feel the Love that she is, before all the stories of who she needs to be so the world will accept her.

There was silence. And tears. And more silence. And a smile. Sometimes, the truth needs only a little bit of light to grow.

Learning From Kanye

In the Netflix trilogy about Kanye West called Jeen-yuhs, there is a moment when we witness Yeezy shoot his shot.

He’s in the studio with Jay-Z as they record a song that he produced for him.

During this time, everyone knew Kanye as the beats guy, but his dream was to be a superstar rapper. Kanye recognizes his moment and seizes it. He asks to have a verse on the song.

Jay-Z says yes.

Kanye kills the verse.

Afterwards Jay-Z says,

“Closed mouth don’t get fed. You wouldn’t have said nothing, you wouldn’t have been on that.”

The rest is history.

Many people might glaze over that moment in the documentary, especially if you’re not really feeling Kanye these days. I wouldn’t blame you.

But for me, there was a beautiful vulnerability that was modeled for us in that moment by Kanye. Jay-Z called it out too. He told Kanye that what happened would not have been possible if he didn't speak up, if he didn't ask for what he wants. It was beautiful. You can see that Kanye came from the heart. We saw an artist in his humanity, stepping into what he wants, stepping into his desire, and going for it.

That’s what it’s like when you take up space and ask for what you want. It’s vulnerable. It’s scary. The world might reject you.

But what gifts is the world missing out on if you don’t ask?

We may have missed out on College Dropout if Kanye didn’t ask.

My friends, dream your biggest dreams.

Please. Take up space.

Ask for what you want.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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