A Gripping adventure from the king of drama The Time Machine Sci Fi Classic Teen ch 3 Young Adult Audiobook Tale Teller Club Free Family Books.


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chapter 3 of the time machine by h.g wells this librivox recording is in the public domain the time machine chapter 3. i told some of you last thursday of the principles of the time machine and showed you the actual thing itself incomplete in the workshop there it is now a little travel worn truly and one of the ivory bars is cracked and a brass rail bent but the rest of it sound enough i expected to finish it on friday but on friday when the putting together was nearly done i found that one of the nickel bars was exactly one inch too short and this i had to get remade so that the thing was not complete until this morning it was at 10 o'clock today that the first of all time machines began its career i gave it a last tap tried all the screws again put one more drop of oil on the quartz rod and sat myself in the saddle i suppose a suicide who holds a pistol to his skull feels much the same wonder at what will come next as i felt then i took the starting lever in one hand and the stopping one in the other pressed the first and almost immediately the second i seemed to reel i felt a nightmare sensation of falling and looking around i saw the laboratory exactly as before had anything happened for a moment i suspected that my intellect had tricked me then i noted the clock a moment before as it seemed it had stood at a minute or so past ten now it was nearly half past three i drew a breath set my teeth gripped the starting lever with both hands and went off with a thud the laboratory got hazy and went dark mrs watchit came in and walked apparently without seeing me towards the garden door i suppose it took her a minute or so to traverse the place but to me she seemed to shoot across the room like a rocket i pressed the lever over to its extreme position the night came like the turning out of a lamp and in another moment came tomorrow the laboratory grew faint and hazy then fainter and even fainter tomorrow night came black then day again night again day again faster and faster still an eddying murmur filled my ears and a strange dumb confusedness descended on my mind i am afraid i cannot convey the peculiar sensations of time traveling they are excessively unpleasant there is a feeling exactly like that one has upon a switchback of a helpless headlong motion i felt the same horrible anticipation too of an imminent smash as i put on pace night followed day like the flapping of a black wing the dim suggestion of the laboratory seemed presently to fall away from me and i saw the sun hopping swiftly across the sky leaping it every minute and every minute marking a day i suppose the laboratory had been destroyed and i had come into the open air i had a dim impression of scaffolding but i was already going too fast to be conscious of any moving things the slowest snail that ever crawled dashed by too fast for me the twinkling succession of darkness and light was excessively painful to the eye then in the intermittent darknesses i saw the moon spinning swiftly through her quarters from new to full and had a faint glimpse of the circling stars presently as i went on still gaining velocity the palpitation of night and day merged into one continuous grayness the sky took on a wonderful deepness of blue a splendid luminous color like that of early twilight the jerking sun became a streak of fire a brilliant arch in space the moon a fainter fluctuating band and i could see nothing of the stars save now and then a brighter circle flickering in the blue the landscape was misty and vague i was still on the hillside upon which this house now stands and the shoulder rose above me gray and dim i saw trees growing and changing like puffs of vapor now...

Perfect for all the family is this great adventure The Time Machine Sci Fi Classic Teen ch 1 Young Adult Audiobook Tale Teller Club Free Family Books.

chapter 2 of the time machine by h.g wells this librivox recording is in the public domain the time machine chapter 2. i think that at the time none of us quite believed in the time machine the fact is the time traveler was one of those men who are too clever to be believed you never felt that you saw all around him you always suspected some subtle reserve some ingenuity in ambush behind his lucid frankness had philby shown the model and explained the matter in the time traveler's words we should have shown him far less skepticism for we should have perceived his motives a pork butcher could understand philby but the time traveler had more than a touch of whim among his elements and we distrusted him things that would have made the frame of a less clever man seemed tricks in his hands it is a mistake to do things too easily the serious people who took him seriously never felt quite sure of his department they were somehow aware that trusting their reputations for judgment with him was like furnishing a nursery with eggshell china so i didn't think any of us said very much about time traveling in the interval between that thursday and the next though its odd potentialities ran no doubt in most of our minds its plausibility that is its practical incredibleness the curious possibilities of anachronism and of utter confusion it suggested for my own part i was particularly preoccupied with the trick of the model that i remember discussing with the medical man whom i met on friday at the linnaean he said he had seen a similar thing at tubingen and laid considerable stress on the blowing out of the candle but how the trick was done he could not explain next thursday i went again to richmond i suppose i was one of the time travelers most constant guests and arriving late found four or five men already assembled in his drawing room the medical man was standing before the fire with a sheet of paper in one hand and his watch in the other i looked around for the time traveler and it's half past seven now said the medical man i suppose we better have dinner where's said i naming our host you've just come it's rather odd he's unavoidably detained he asks me in this note to lead off with dinner at seven if he's not back says he'll explain when he comes it seems a pity to let the dinner spoil said the editor of a well-known daily paper and thereupon the doctor rang the bell psychologist was the only person besides the doctor and myself who had attended the previous dinner the other men were blank the editor aforementioned a certain journalist and another a quiet shy man with a beard whom i didn't know and who as far as my observation went never opened his mouth all the evening there was some speculation at the dinner table about the time traveler's absence and i suggested time traveling in a half jockey or spirit the editor wanted that explained to him and the psychologist volunteered a wooden account of the ingenious paradox and trick we had witnessed that day week he was in the midst of his exposition when the door from the corridor opened slowly and without noise i was facing the door and saw it first hello i said at last and the door opened wider and the time traveler stood before us i gave a cry of surprise good heavens man what's the matter cried the medical man who saw him next and the whole table full turned towards the door he was in an amazing plight his coat was dusty and dirty and smeared with green down the sleeves his hair disordered and as it seemed to me grayer either with dust and dirt or because its color had actually faded his face was ghastly pale his chin had a brown cut on it a cut half healed his expression was haggard and drawn as by intense suffering for a moment he hesitated in the doorway as if he had been dazzled by the light then he came into the room...

This book has everything, time travel, the end of the world...what could be better?
Superb reading of The Time Machine Sci Fi Classic Teen You Adult Audiobook Tale Teller Club Free Family Books.

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chapter 1 of the time machine by h.g wells this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit librivox.org

reading by mark nelson the time machine chapter one the time traveler for so it will be convenient to speak of him was expounding a recondite matter to us his gray eyes shone and twinkled and his usually pale face was flushed and animated the fire burned brightly and the soft radiance of the incandescent lights in the lilies of silver caught the bubbles that flashed and passed in our glasses our chairs being his patents embraced and caressed us rather than submitted to be sat upon and there was that luxurious after-dinner atmosphere when thought roams gracefully free of the trammels of precision and he put it to us in this way marking the points with a lean forefinger as we sat and lazily admired his earnestness over his new paradox as we thought it and his fecundity you must follow me carefully i shall have to controvert one or two ideas that are almost universally accepted the geometry for instance they taught you at school is founded on a misconception is not that a rather large thing to expect us to begin upon said philby an argumentative person with red hair i do not mean to ask you to accept anything without reasonable ground for it you will soon admit as much as i need from you you know of course that a mathematical line a line of thickness nil has no real existence they taught you that neither has a mathematical plane these things are mere abstractions that is all right said the psychologist nor having only length breadth and thickness can a cube have a real existence there i object said philby of course a solid body may exist all real things so most people think but wait a moment can an instantaneous cube exist don't follow you said philby can a cube that does not last for any time at all have a real existence philby became pensive clearly the time traveler proceeded any real body must have extension in four directions it must have length breadth thickness and duration but through a natural infirmity of the flesh which i will explain to you in a moment we incline to overlook this fact there are really four dimensions three which we call the three planes of space and a fourth time there is however a tendency to draw an unreal distinction between the former three dimensions and the latter because it happens that our consciousness moves intermittently in one direction along the ladder from the beginning to the end of our lives that said a very young man making spasmodic efforts to re-light his cigar over the lamp that's very clear indeed now it is very remarkable that this is so extensively overlooked continue the time traveler with a slight accession of cheerfulness really this is what is meant by the fourth dimension though some people who talk about the fourth dimension do not know they mean it it is only another way of looking at time there is no difference between time and any of the three dimensions of space except that our consciousness moves along it but some foolish people have got hold of the wrong side of that idea you have all heard what they have to say about this fourth dimension i have not said the provincial mayor it is simply this that space as our mathematicians have it is spoken of as having three dimensions which one may call length breadth and thickness and is always definable by reference to three planes each at right angles to the others but some philosophical people have been asking why three dimensions particularly why not another direction at right angles to the other three and have even tried to construct a four dimension geometry professor simon newcomb was expounding this to...

Welcome to our Christmas Pod at Tale Teller Club. We love Christmas so much.

An Introduction with Sarnia in between performing m=brings a little extra joy.

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hi kids welcome to our under 18s show now then what we do here is present lots and lots of audio books and music because the tail teller club is of course a musician and the telltale kids is a library and we sort of fuse the two things together it's really exciting anyway i've got vapour punk coming up because i know most of you are here to follow vaperpunk who of course is very exciting i realize probably more exciting than i am and also we've got the whole story of the christmas carol in an audio book so plump up those cushions and snuggle up let's have a listen shall we have a super day and i'll be back very very soon because we've got loads and loads of live broadcasts happening today it's very exciting

and i just wanted to pop by and tell you that we are here 24 7.

what does that mean vapor pump that means any time of day or night you can listen to our stories and our music especially for children and teenagers are you a child or a teenager it doesn't really matter because everything we do here is really exciting bye

talking about the world all the

the purples are feeling tired of love is not a dream it's here with us in this small room

i brought the angels with me

no christmas maybe

we miss them jesus tears

i thought the angels with me i know my friends i know my friends will be today no more christmas maybe

preface and stave one of a christmas carol this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org a christmas carol by charles dickens preface and stave one preface i've endeavored in this ghostly little book to raise the ghost of an idea which shall not put my readers out of humor with themselves with each other with the season or with me may it haunt their houses pleasantly and no one wished to lay it their faithful friend and servant cd december 1843

stave one marley's ghost marley was dead to begin with there was no doubt whatever about that the register of his burial was signed by the clergymen the clerk the undertaker and the chief mourner scrooge signed it and scrooge's name was good upon change for anything he chose to put his hand to old marley was as dead as a doornail mind i don't mean to say that i know of my own knowledge what there is particularly dead about a doornail i might have been inclined myself to regard a coffin nail as the deadest piece of iron mongerie in the trade but the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile and my unhollowed hands shall not disturb it or the country's done for you will therefore permit me to repeat emphatically that marley was as dead as a doornail scrooge knew he was dead of course he did how could it be otherwise scrooge and he were partners for i don't know how many years scrooge was his sole executor his sole administrator his solar sign his sole residuary legite his soul friend and soul mourner and even scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event but that he was an excellent man of business on the very day of the funeral and solemnized it with an undoubted bargain the mention of marley's funeral brings me back to the point i started from there is no doubt that marley was dead this must be distinctly understood or nothing wonderful can come of the story i am going to relate if we were not perfectly convinced that hamlet's father died before the play began there would be nothing more remarkable in his taking a stroll at night in an easterly wind upon his own ramparts than there would be in any other middle-aged gentleman rashfordly turning out after dark in a breezy spot say saint paul's church art for instance literally to astonish his son's weak mind...

sonnets 51-60 of shakespeare's sonnets this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by chris hughes reader.blogspot.com

shakespeare sonnets by william shakespeare sonnets 51-60

51 thus can my love excuse the slow offense of my dull bearer when from the i speed from whence thou art why should i haste me sense till i return of posting is no need oh what excuse will my poor beast then find when swift extremity can seem but slow then should i spur though mounted on the wind in winged speed no motion shall i know then can no horse with my desire keep pace therefore desire of perfect love being made shall nay no dull flesh in his fiery race but love for love thus shall excuse my jade since from the going he went willful slow towards thee i'll run and give him leave to go

52

so am i as the rich whose blessed key can bring him to his sweet uplocked treasure the which he will not every hour survey for blunting the fine point of seldom pleasure therefore are feasts so solemn and so rare since seldom coming in that long year set like stones of worth they thinly place it are or captain jewels in the coconut so is the time that keeps you as my chest or as the wardrobe which the robe doth hide to make some special instant special blessed by new unfolding his imprisoned pride blessed are those whose worthiness gives scope being had to triumph being lacked to hope 53. what is your substance where are you made that millions of strange shadows on you tend since everyone hath everyone one shade and you but one can every shadow lend describe adonis and the counterfeit is poorly imitated after you on helen's cheek all art of beauty set and you in grecian tires are painted new speak of the spring and poison of the year the one doth shadow of your beauty show the other as your bounty doth appear and you in every blessed shape we know in all external grace you have some part but you like none none you for constant heart

54

oh how much more doth beauty beauteous seem by that sweet ornament which truth doth give the rose looks fair but fairer we at deem for that sweet odor which doth in it live the canker blooms her full as deeper die as the perfumed tincture of the roses hang on such thorns and play as wantonly when summer's breath their masked bud discloses but for their virtue only is their show they live unwooed and unrespected fade die to themselves sweet roses do not sow of their sweet deaths are sweetest odors made and so of you beauteous and lovely youth when that shall fade by verse distills your truth

55

not marble nor the gilded monuments of princes shall outlive this powerful rhyme but you shall shine more bright in these contents than unswept stone besmeared with sluttish time when wasteful war shall statues overturn and broils root out the work of masonry nor mars his sword nor wars quick fire shall burn the living record of your memory against death and all oblivious enmity shall you pace forth your praise shall still find room even in the eyes of all posterity that where this world out to the ending doom so till the judgment that yourself arise you live in this and dwell in lovers eyes

56. sweet love renew thy force be it not said thy edge should blunter be than appetite which but today by feeding is a lade tomorrow sharpened in his former might so love be thou although today thou fill thy hungry eyes even till thy wink with fullness tomorrow see again and do not kill the spirit of love with a perpetual dullness let this sad interim like the ocean be which parts the shore where two contracted new come daily to the banks that when they see return of love more blessed may be the view or call it winter which being full of care makes summer welcome thrice more wished more rare

57

being your slave what should i do...

Nicely read by our colleague and in the public domain so free to reuse and perform etc.

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sonnets 1 to 10 of shakespeare's sonnets this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please dot visit r g recording by chris hughes read ear dot blogspot dot com shakespeare sonnets by william shakespeare sonnets one to ten

from fairest creatures we desire increase that thereby beauty's rose might never die but as the riper should by time decease his tender heir might bear his memory but thou contracted to thine own bright eyes feeds thy light's flame with self-substantial fuel making a famine where abundance lies thyself thy foe to thy sweet self too cruel thou that art now the world's fresh ornament and only herald to the gaudy spring within thine own bud buriest i content and tender churl makes waste in [ __ ] ding pity the world or else this glutton bee to eat the world's dew by the grave and thee

two when forty winters shall besiege thy brow and dig deep trenches in thy beauty's field thy youth's proud livery so gazed on now will be a tattered weed of small worth held then being asked where all thy beauty lies where all the treasure of thy lusty days to say within thine own deep sunken eyes were an all-eating shame and thriftless praise how much more praise deserve thy beauty's use if thou could answer this fair child of mine shall sum my count and make my old excuse proving his beauty by succession thine this were to be new made when thou art old and see thy blood warm when thou feast it cold

3. look in thy glass and tell the face thou viewest now is the time that face should form another whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest thou dost beguile the world unbless some mother for where is she so fair whose unearthed womb disdains the tillage of thy husbandry or who is he so fond will be the tomb of his self-love to stop posterity thou art thy mother's glass and she in thee calls back the lovely april of her prime so thou through windows of thine age shall see despite of wrinkles this thy golden time but if thou live remembered not to be die single and thine image dies with thee

four unthrifty loveliness why doest thou spend upon thyself thy beauty's legacy nature's bequest gives nothing but doth lend and being frank she lends to those are free then beauteous niggered why does thou abuse the bountiest largest given thee to give profitless usure why doest thou you so great a sum of sums yet canst not live for having traffic with thyself alone thou of thyself thy sweet self does deceive then how when nature calls thee to be gone what acceptable audit can still leave thy unused beauty must be tombed with thee which used lives the executor to be

five

those hours that with gentle work did frame the lovely gaze where every eye doth dwell will play the tyrants to the very same and that unfair which fairly doth excel for never resting time leads summer on to hideous winter and confounds him there sap checked with frost and lusty leaves quite gone beauty were snowed and bareness everywhere then were not summer's distillation left a liquid prisoner penned in walls of glass beauty's effect with beauty were bereft nor it nor no remembrance what it was but flowers distilled though they with winter meat least but their show their substance still lives sweet six

then let not winter's ragged hand to face in thee thy summer air thou be distilled make sweet some vile treasure thou some place with beauty's treasure ered be self killed that use is not forbidden usually which happens those that pay the willing loan that's for thyself to breed another thee or ten times happier be it ten for one ten times thyself were happier than thou art if ten of thine ten times refigured thee then what could death do if thou shouldst depart leaving the living in posterity be...

We love the bard here at Tale Teller Kids, and we feature the sonnets a lot on our all-night shows.

#shakespeare #sonnets #thespian #plays #acting #performance #radioplay #taletellerclub #englishliterature #learning #freeaudiobooks #spotifypoetry

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sonnets 111 to 120 of shakespeare's sonnets this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by chris hughes reader.blogspot.com

shakespeare's sonnets by william shakespeare sonnets 111-120

111

oh for my sake do you with fortune chide the guilty goddess of my harmful deeds that did not better for my life provide than public means which public manners breeds thence comes it that my name receives a brand and almost sense my nature is subdued to what it works in like the dyer's hand pity me then and wish i were renewed whilst like a willing patient i will drink potions of isil against my strong infection no bitterness that i will bitter think nor double penance to correct correction pity me then dear friend and i assure ye even that your pity is enough to cure me

one hundred and twelve your love and pity dot the impression phil which vulgar scandal stamped upon my brow for what care i who calls me well or ill so you are green my bad my good allow you are my all the world and i must strive to know my shames and praises from your tongue none else to me nor i to none alive that my steel sense or changes right or wrong in so profound abysm i throw all care of others voices that my adders sense to critic and to flatterer stopped our mark how with my neglect i do dispense you are so strongly in my purpose bread that all the world besides me thinks are dead

113 since i left you mine i is in my mind and that which governs me to go about doth part is function and is partly blind seems seeing but effectually is out for it no form delivers to the heart of bird a flower or shape which it deflatch of his quick objects hath the mind no part nor his own vision holds what it doth catch for if it see the rudest or gentlest sight the most sweet favor or deformedest creature the mountain or the sea the day or night the crow or dove it shapes them to your feature incapable of more replete with you my most true mind thus maketh mine untrue

114 or whether doth my mind being crowned with you drink up the monarch's plague this flattery or whether shall i say mine i sayeth true and that your love taught it this alchemy to make of monsters and things indigest such cherubims as your sweet self resemble creating every bad a perfect best as fast as objects to his beams assemble oh tis the first tis flattery in my seeing and my great mind most kingly drinks it up mine i well knows what with his gust is green and to his palate doth prepare the cup if it be poisoned it is the lesser sin that mine i loves it and at first begin

115

those lines that i before have writ do lie even those that said i could not love you dearer yet then my judgment knew no reason why my most full flame should afterwards burn clearer but reckoning time whose million accidents creep in twixt vows and change decrees of kings tan sacred beauty blunt the sharpest intense divert strong minds to the course of altering things alas why fearing of times tyranny might i not then say now i love you best when i was certain or in certainty crowning the present doubting of the rest love is a babe then might i not say so to give full growth to that which still doth grow

116

let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove oh no it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken it is the star to every wandering bark whose worth's unknown although his height be taken love's...

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sonnets 141-154 of shakespeare's sonnets this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by chris hughes reader.blogspot.com

shakespeare sonnets by william shakespeare sonnets 141-154

141

in faith i do not love thee with mine eyes for they in the thousand errors note but tis my heart that loves what they despise who in despite of view is pleased to dote nor are mine ears with thy tongues tuned delighted nor tender feeling to base touches prone nor taste nor smell desire to be invited to any sensual feast with thee alone but my five wits nor my five senses can dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man thy proud heart slave and vassal wretch to be only my plague thus far i count my gain that she that makes me sin awards me pain

142. love is my sin and thy dear virtue hate hate of my sin grounded on sinful loving o but with mine compare thou thine own state thou shalt find it merits not reproving or if it do not from those lips of thine that have profaned their scarlet ornaments and sealed false bonds of love as often as mine robbed others beds revenues of their rents be it lawful i love thee as thou loves those whom thine eyes woo as mine importune thee root pity in thy heart that when it grows thy pity may desire to pitied be if thou dost seek to have what thou dost hide by self example may still be denied

143 lo as a careful housewife runs to catch one of her feathered creatures broke away sets down her babe and makes all swift dispatch in pursuit of the thing she would have stay whilst her neglected child holds her in chase cries to catch her whose busy care is bent to follow that which flies before her face not praising her poor infants discontent so runnest thou after that which flies from thee whilst i thy babe chase thee are far behind but if thou catch thy hope turn back to me and play the mother's part kiss me be kind so will i prove that thou mayest have thy will if thou turn back and my loud crying still

144.

two loves i have of comfort and despair which like two spirits do suggest me still the better angel is a man right fair the worser spirit a woman colored ill to win me soon to hell my female evil tempteth my better angel from my side and would corrupt my saint to be a devil wooing his purity with her foul pride and whether that my angel be turned fiend suspect i may yet not directly tell but being both from me both to each friend i guess one angel in another's hell yet this shall i now know but live in doubt till my bad angel fire my good one out

145.

those lips that love's own hands did make breathed forth the sound that said i hate to me that languished for her sake but when she saw my woeful state straight in her heart did mercy come chiding that tongue that ever sweet was used in giving gentle doom and taught it thus a new to greet i hate she altered with an end that followed it as gentle day doth follow night who like a fiend from heaven to hell is flown away i hate from hate away she threw and saved my life saying not you

146.

poor soul the center of my sinful earth my sinful earth these rebel powers array why doest thou pine within and suffered dearth painting thy outward wall so costly gay why so large cost having so short a lease dost thou upon thy fading mansion spend shall worms inheritors of this excess eat up thy charge is this thy body's end then soul live thou upon thy servants loss and let that pine to aggravate thy store by terms divine in selling hours of dross within be fed without be rich no more so shall thou feed on death that feeds on men and...

A great reading for fans of the mystery crime drama with Sherlock Holmes A Scandal in Bohemia Free Audiobooks from the Tale Teller Online Book Club

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 01 - A Scandal in Bohemia, Part 1 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
00:02
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 02 - A Scandal in Bohemia, Part 2 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
27:53
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 03 - The Red-Headed League, Part 1 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
67:03
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 04 - The Red-Headed League, Part 2 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
103:26
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 05 - A Case of Identity, Part 1 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
135:36
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 06 - A Case of Identity, Part 2 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
162:12
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 07 - The Boscombe Valley Mystery, Part 1 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
190:21
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 08 - The Boscombe Valley Mystery, Part 2 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
230:57
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 09 - The Five Orange Pips, Part 1 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
264:10
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - 10 - The Five Orange Pips, Part 2 (The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes)
295:15


#crime #criminals #criminalintent #murder #robbery #theft #truecrime #taletellerclub #crimeaudiobook #talkingbooks #freeaudiobook

Not very funny at all and reveals more about class than English but is useful for language students and researchers looking at the way the English language has changed over a century or more.
Not the most interesting but the reader has a nice voice for getting to sleep should you be, like me, an insomniac who needs to shut out voices of anxiety.

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preliminary discourse of the comic english grammar this is a librivox recording all librivox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit librivox.org recording by ruth golding the comic english grammar by percival lee preliminary discourse fashion requires and like the rest of her sex requires because she requires that before a writer begins the business of his book he should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it and therefore to avoid singularity we shall proceed with the statement of our own accepting only a few private ones which are neither here nor there to advance the interests of mankind by promoting the course of education to ameliorate the conversation of the masses to cultivate taste and diffuse refinement these are the objects we have in view in submitting a comic english grammar to the patronage of a discerning public few persons there are whose ears are so extremely obtuse as not to be frequently annoyed at the violations of grammar by which they are so often assailed it is really painful to be forced in walking along the streets to hear such phrases as the ear omnibus where have you been what's the odds and the like very dreadful expressions are also used by cartmen and others in addressing their horses what can possibly induce a human being to say gee woot mother way or whoa not to mention the atrocious kim orp of the barbarous butcher's boy it is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated in spite of the number of grammars already before the world this fact sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock and as serious english grammars have hitherto failed to affect the desired reformation we are induced to attempt it by means of a comic one with regard to the moral tendency of our labors we may be here permitted to remark that they will tend if successful to the suppression of evil speaking and as the spartans used to exhibit a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with drunkenness so we by giving a few examples here and there of incorrect phraseology shall expose in their naked deformity the vices of speech to the ingenious reader the comical mind like the jaundiced eye views everything through a coloured medium such a mind is that of the generality of our countrymen we distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by facetious names a father is called dad or popper an uncle monkey and a wife a rib or more pleasantly still as in the advertisements for situations and encumbrance we will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences but we permit a quack to sell as much poison as he pleases when one man runs away with another's wife and being on that account challenge to fight a duel shoots the aggrieved party through the head the latter is said to receive satisfaction we never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to do the same as if we wanted encouragement and then before we venture to drink we bow to each other across the table preserving all the while a most wonderful gravity this however it may be said is the natural result of endeavouring to keep one another in countenance the way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing savages stick fish bones through their noses our fair country women have hoops of metal poked through their ears the carobs flatten the forehead the chinese compress the foot and we possess similar contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to an hourglass or a...