TALK FOOTY

Max, Harry, and Thomas reveal their hot takes this week. How good is Neymar really? Can anyone fix Man United? Is the Super League inevitable? These takes and more on this week's episode.

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February means the return of the Champions League and we are here to talk about it. This week we run through all 8 match-ups and collectively decide who we think will make it to the next round. For us, the hardest to decide is the matchup between Real Madrid and PSG... who do you think will win?

Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond Logic. 
- Frank Herbert, Dune

Science values static patterns. Its business is to search for them. When non-conformity appears it is considered an interruption of the normal rather than the presence of the normal. That other worthless stuff which doesn't follow mechanisms and programs we don't pay any attention to. 
- Robert Pirsig, Lila

“The moment you think you have the world figured out, it reveals its next trick”
- This guy on the Brown Line at 1AM

“Pop, Pop!”
- Magnitude

No thought is really original, nothing said is much different than what has been said before. The ego allows us the illusion that we have the potential to be larger than life, to stand out in the mass, and speak truth as never before. But in reality we are minuscule creatures, simply mimicking those that came before. What else can we do?

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Box to Boycott the iHop on Broadway they kicked me out after guzzling four containers of maple syrup and claimed I was “Disturbing the other customers” what a load of crap

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As the two time Nobel Prize winner in Chemistry and Physics, Marie Salomea Skłodowska Curie, used to tell me in my Polish Fever Dreams as a child: “Nigdy nie kupuj Złotych Grahmów, jeśli znajdują się na trzeciej półce”; translated to - “Never buy Golden Grahams if they are on the third shelf”. Ol’ Ms. Curie always had some odd superstitions, but it saved me in a few sticky situations. 

I run through the cobbled roads, the towering, jagged facades of the homes lining the street are closing in on me, and I hear him behind. Robert Lewandowski, now reaching nine or ten feet tall, is galloping towards me, closing the gap with huge strides. With each lunge he seems to grow taller, and more ferocious in his attempts to claim me. As the street caves in around me, a narrow doorway illuminates within my sight, and I squeeze through. Relief pours over me as the danger of the Leviathan Lewa fades into nothing, as if I had just escaped into another realm lightyears away from him. 

I sit down at the bar, and immediately feel eyes all over me. The concerned bartender acknowledges my presence, but does not enquire about a drink. I realize that I must be a child still. The eyes release their hold on me and shift towards a boxy tv set suspended in the top corner of the bar. Torn, faded green walls and the grainy television hint that I must be watching Socrates and Zico of the great 1982 Brazilian World Cup team, but I squint and see Robert Lewandowski put another past Diego Benaglio. Five goals in Nine Minutes. He’s celebrating again. His eyes are wide. I start running, I know what’s going to happen. I’ve been here before. I’ve seen him crawl out of that TV set before. Dangerous cobbled Roads, the houses closing in, and he’s getting bigger. 

I feel the fear quickly suffocating my newfound consciousness. I understand I’m in a loop, yet I’m powerless to break it. Slowing down to think, to even breathe means he will catch me. I keep running. As the fear subsumes the last inkling of awareness, a voice suddenly fills my mind. It’s sharp but caring, like she always was. The heavy Polish accent is difficult to understand, but the words rattle continuously around my mind. “Penny in your shoe, you haven’t got a clue, the things they will do, to escape and hide from you”. 

My eyes scan the dark, clay brick roads beneath me, but to no avail. He’s closing in, and this time I’m not sure I’m going to reach the doorway. No penny in sight, but yet I feel my fear reducing. A calm washes over me as I realized the real penny is inside me, in the inner workings of my soul. I let my consciousness fall from the frantic streets, and deep into myself. I feel oneness. 

I wake up after what feels like an eternity. I step out of the warm soft bed and onto the hardwood floors. I walk outside and admire the sensation of the beaming sun on my skin. The sunlight illuminates the beautiful Eastern European street ahead of me, the colorful buildings with elaborate balconies bending into the street, the cobblestone road rising up to meet me. 

Fuck.

Let me tell you about the great Archeops, the strikingly beautiful avian beast hailing from the Ancient Armenian Highlands. The Archeops are large birds, dawning a wingspan of 8-10 feet of bright cobalt feathers. A long, slim coral head resembling a snake emerges from the bird’s beige body, barring razor-sharp teeth. Flying through the air, spectators will usually distinguish the bird by its unique tail, a dragon-like appendage with a flume of cobalt at the end. The Archeops travel in small bands, usually in threes or fours, and scour the mountains for smaller mammals who fall prey to the Archeops’ deadly talons. 

Archeops are known to quarrel regularly with the other hunting birds of the sky - Osprey, Griffons, and Eagles - sometimes to the death. While these majestic birds have many a legend about them among the people residing in the remote mountains, nothing prepared Jaque De Gatineau, a French Canadian Ornithologist, for his witnessing one of these  deaths in a trip to the highlands. De Gatineau recalls his incredible experience

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In one of the most spectacular phenomena in the animal kingdom, the two remaining members of the band circled around the fallen Archeops, and with a harrowing squeal to the heavens, blue electric light poured out of their chests. Soon after, a small white glowing orb protruded from the deceased Archeops, and floated to where the electric forces met. A sudden flash blinded me. Regaining vision, what is left of the three Archeops is three mounds of hot pink powder, sizzling and sinking as the substance melted the ground beneath it. Just as the last of the powder sank below the surface, a  sudden cloud of feathers erupted from the ditches, and three young Archeops emerged. As their eyes adjusted, and as the confusion faded away, the three seemed to acknowledge each other like old friends, and took off for the awaiting sky.  

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Much like the Archeops, Box to Box is undergoing a rebirth of their own. This episode was recorded in person using brand new equipment, marking a turning point in our journey. Jack Harris along with his colleagues at Portland Studio Nash have cooked us up a new, cleaner into, and will be partnering with us in the future to continue to bring life to the podcast. Finally, we’re on Youtube! Check us out over there to watch along with our newest episode.

BABY I like to record stuff.

BATS And why do you like to record stuff. Are you the police? Are you a snitch?

DARLING I think he’s just acting the fool.

BATS I asked him. But ‘acting’ is right. What if this is a cover? What if Harpo here is a real Serpico?

- All eyes on Baby. - 

BUDDY Speak up, Baby. 

BABY I... I just like to listen to what people say. I don’t always understand first time out. So I listen back to the words. To understand. And I like to make music out of it. It’s just me fooling. Fooling around.

BATS That is one fucking dumbass excuse.

BUDDY To be fair, a cop would not come up with an excuse as fucking dumbass as that.

BATS I’m calling Doc. 

- Baby doesn’t want that to happen. Blurts out. - 

BABY I can play you one. Of my tapes. Of the music I make

BUDDY Where are they?

BABY At home. 

BUDDY Well, looks like we are going somewhere at 2 in the morning. C’mon

BABY I… I live really far away

BATS No you don’t…

- Bats knocks Baby out with a hard punch. - 

INT. UNDECORATED LOFT - LATER

DOC Wake up Baby. Time to Explain.

Baby regains consciousness to Buddy dumping his suitcase of cassettes on the table. -

BABY No.. Where is he? What did you do to him?

BATS Oh, the cripple? Oh don’t worry about him. He won’t go anywhere

BUDDY Why don’t you play us something Baby?

- Baby hesitates, then selects a cassette from the pile labeled “Banger”. He inserts it into the player and presses play. - 

~The montage that plays is a collage of announcer clips from Chelsea and Bayern Games, praising players for incredible goals. Quick drums and an ebbing guitar add an electric feel to the mix. The guitar fades out to a young man’s voice: “What’s up everyone and welcome back to Box to Box…”

BATS What the fuck did I just listen to?

For our 20TH Episode were giving out 20 FREE Box to Box: The Origin Story Audiobooks! Narrated by David Attenborough and written by James Patterson, the new memoir takes a deep dive into the genesis of the Box to Box Podcast - from the intense drama of finding 3 other podcasts called Box to Box, to the sad reality of kicking out Sully Thumberg from the squad because of his harsh voice not suited for podcasting. Patterson intricately weaves the events of August 2020 with scenes from the trio’s early years at LaSalle Language Academy to capture a clear picture of how the podcast you love today became a reality. 

BUT ONLY 20 FREE AUDIOBOOKS ARE AVAILABLE - SO LISTEN UP. In order to become one of the lucky 20, you must first find Ol’ Jammin Jerry - usually found in the alley behind Bacci’s Pizza. There, J.J. will give you 4 items: a one way ticket to Quito, Colombia, a compass, 2 White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cliff Bars, and a silver key. First you must go to the nearest American Airlines quiosque and redeem the ticket to Quito for American Advantage Miles. You then must redeem these miles for the maximum number of Sky Mall Magazine Subscriptions the Quito miles can buy. This should trigger a weakness in the Sky Mall Magazine Subscription System, a bug strategically placed to freeze the system. With the global economy resting on the Sky Mall Magazine Subscription Services running as usual, and the international media covering the story, you should be able to carry out your next task. 

Utilizing the compass (You must be off the grid), navigate to your nearest antique store, and purchase a map of the South Atlantic Ocean. Using this map, navigate to the southern tip of the Falkland Islands off the coast of Argentina. There, eat one of the Cliff Bars (the one labeled EAT), as you must be hungry. Now, hidden along the rock shore, there should be a rock formation that resembles Lenny the Bullmastiff from Hotel for Dogs (2009). Pressing the lavender colored rock at his snout should open passageway to the tunnel system beneath the islands. Follow the main tunnel and swiftly enter the Great Britain Military Outpost through the secret door in the operations room. The outpost should be short staffed, but be on alert. Open the second Cliff bar (the one labeled Faux Argentinian Military Intelligence Documents) and place the contents on the Lieutenant Colonel’s desk. Escape from where you came. 

In 5-10 years, with Great Britain and its populace deteriorating from a grueling war with Argentina, David Attenborough’s greedy lawyers will finally be in a desperate enough position to release the audiobook to our control. Once in our legal possession, we will send it out to you and 19 other Box to Box fans of your choosing, as a thanks for your continued support of our product. Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!

P.S. -  Written on the silver key in small, precise lettering is a 10% off coupon code for our second audiobook, Box to Box: Our Journey to Podcasting Fame! We got Keith David this time to narrate so hopefully reigniting full-scale cross-continent wars won’t be necessary.

This episode is brought to you by our newest sponsor - the Grinnell College Football Team of the D3 Midwest Conference. 

Are you or your loved ones 18-22 years of age interested in joining a program on the rise? Are you interested in taking your football skills to the next level in the great state of Iowa? Have you ever wanted to meet a guy named Wyatt? Then the Grinnell Pioneers might be the team for you!

After taking a few years off due to low attendance and a shrinking roster, Brett Barnes and his coaching staff has lead the Pioneers back onto the gridiron for their first season since 2018. Attendance was high as the team recorded their first victory early in the season at home, but the team was impaired by injuries down the stretch and finished the season with a 2-8 record. Thats why we need YOU (or your loved ones) to join the Pioneers next season as they take on big name teams like Beloit, Knox, and Lawrence University.

If interested, please come to the Grinnell Football Field on April 28th at 9am for Open Tryouts. 

When do you know that you are truly living originally? Are we just chasing shadows our whole life? When the legendary trio of Harry, Thomas, and Max sit down for a chat about European Soccer, how do they know that their ideas are out of the vein of the massive current of soccer pundits, former players, coaches, and local pub goers? How do you escape the current, if that’s all you know. 

The advantage the Boxees have is that they’re from another current. They weren’t born into the David Moyes discourse, the tactical battles between Pep and Jose, the Keane Vierra tussles. They were born into a new, relatively weak current. One where fathers took their sons to AYSO games, but couldn’t name players beyond Beckham and Pelé. Where crowds formed for football, baseball, basketball, and hockey games before thinking of soccer. Scenes of Italy’s penalty shootout triumph in the 06’ World Cup birthed the awareness of the other currents, but young aspiring players could only access the historical clubs and players through grainy games of Fifa. Only recently has the American current grew strong enough that channels have opened to the other worlds of the beautiful game. 

Reaching the European current, a young American is disoriented by the size and velocity of the water. In the center, battles rage between Messi and Ronaldo camps, further out civilizations of fanbases appear, each as unique and fiercely loyal as the next, and on the outskirts small bands perform strange rituals to players like Bentner, Heskey, and Akinfenwa. But they soon recognize patterns in the chaos, and start to follow the cycle of competitions, players, and managers as they flow through the ecosystem of the world. Soon the slightly older American is watching Eden Hazard flow through opposition defenses in the early Saturday morning, scoring top-bin finesse shots with Palacio in the late night, and slowly integrating into a world while still physically separated. 

Now, when these young Americans sit on Zoom and talk intently about clubs they follow more than those with stadiums less than a mile away, they are a part of the ebb, the flow of the current. They may not have the historical knowledge of those around them, but they think what they have to say is worth saying, and their dedication and particular connection to the game has given them a unique perspective. But the question still stands, will they chase the shadows cast by the shadows of those that came before them, or will they create their own?