tcr! diaries - podcast

I used to rely on "forever." Rely on it so much that I didn't appreciate what was right in front of me. When I think this or that, people or things, or whatever are always going to be there, that life will always be like this... I take it all for granted.

But really for the "rest of my life" I got nothing.. I don't have anything forever.

So right here, in this very moment, I do my best to remember that I only have this person for "now" and I want to be the best me I can be when I'm with them. Okay, I’m not so spiritual to savor every single moment with ever single friend. It’s more like these chapters, these eras of life -- they're not permanent so I better be here. This era of Maggie being 11, that’s going to go away. She’ll be off to her teenager era soon and I’ll see her less than I already do.

It's also not that I think people are gonna fall off a cliff or something. A more likely scenario is that we'll just have different shit going. I'll be busy, you'll be busy, and then we won't see each other anymore. Days will go by, or weeks, and our schedules won't sync up and then a year later I'll think of you out of the blue, a heart string will tug with "I miss that guy" or "she was really fun."

People move on and go their separate ways because that's what happens. I have a pocket full of friends who I haven't seen or talked to in eons and then I look them up on Facebook and they're getting on with their lives, same as me.

So wanna know when I realized the importance of "now" ? It wasn’t when or because I had some great epiphany that life’s too short or fast or that I'm getting older or whatever. It was when I realized I’d hurt somebody. After the fact. Somebody that I truly cared about. Making someone cry is good way to have the cosmos snap its fingers at my soul.

Alas, remorse is like a French-horn player in an orchestra: often too late.
--Jeremy Denk, There’s a Skeleton in My Closet, Literally

So there's that.

Anyways, I make that effort to be a good friend in the here and now simply because I’ve taken too many people for granted and then they left. And then I was really sad because now they’re gone. And generally when people go, they don't come back. And it's worse when they're gone because of something I did, intentionally or not.

Anyways × 2, I don't have a triumphant climax for this so I'll borrow somebody else's.

This morning before the coffee was even ready I was thinking about the movie Scrooged, as I do... Thinking about the ending with Murray's epiphany.

What are you doing watching television on Christmas Eve?

It's never too late, peeps. Never too late to say "I'm here, what are we doing?"

Forever is great but sitting next to someone. One the couch. Right now. You can’t beat it.

#allisnotlost #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

Hugs ❤️

??

🤨🤔

Exactly

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I come home from work and nobody's here. I open the windows and hear the birds chirping. We're never alone, peeps. ❤️

I was thinking about this more this morning, thinking of how limited I am when I live only in my own head, confine myself to only what I see in front of me.

When I'm home alone I'm regularly reminded of my aloneness. The sounds of my feet on the whitewashed plywood bounce around the walls. Just the same as my thoughts bounce around in my own head. Existing at best in an echo chamber. Inside and out.

Life is so much bigger than my dining room, than the four walls of my house. When I open the windows and expose my ears to something more...I remember that. I hear the wind in the trees with their leaves gently clapping. The birds singing to each other and that little puppy dog yapping next door. I hear the cars motoring to and fro and the neighbors living their lives just a stone's throw away.

Opening the windows brings those sounds inside, fills my space with the conviction that we're never alone. There's a life-force inside all of us that bonds us together just because we're living beings. It doesn't matter if we're feathery birds or green oak leaves or frumpled, crumpled human beings or chatty puppy dogs. We're all linked just because we are. A network of neurons each transmitting our pulses to one another in the global space. That's almost too corny but whatever.

The only thing I need to do is open the window to un-sever that connection.

Sounds riding their waves. It's a magical thing for the lonely soul.

It's funny that I have access to the whole world by way of the internet. But when I sit on my phone my life feels small and shallow. When I open the window life is full and big.

Thank god for Spring. Winter makes me wanna fly over the cuckoo's nest.

#lettherebehope #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

You were feeding me your delicious breakfast sandwich one week ago today

I just had two of those very sandwiches!

One flew East, and one flew West.

That’s how they do

💗

We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude. Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies – all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes. - Huxley

Alone together

Exactly

Jesus loves you

Ok cool. I was wondering about him.

Aare your videos intended on being creepy, they have gotten my interest

That’s awesome! The videos are just more momentary expressions. So whatever I got going on is what comes out.

Oh, so its kinda like venting but not all sad? Its like writing in a journal and sharing your thoughts. That actually really cool!

Absolutely that. A spoken, video journal. Although the videos of this type always do start out on paper. Good for the soul to get whatever out.

yeah

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At 4:54 am this morning I was wide awake.

I woke up from one of those dreams that wake me because the story turned sour.

The scene was an industrial area early in the morning. The sky was gray, the air foggy and misty. I was shuffling along to meet back up with a group of friends that were having a get-together of some kind.

A car pulled up and an early 20-something boy got out. And then his girlfriend, too. A homeless wanna-be monarch and his queen. Not blatantly hostile but an obvious menace.

As the two walked toward me a two more 20-somethings appeared. And then all four drew closer like wary insects knowing they're almost to feed.

With a dismal future planned I looked at the grubby crown and said, "do you want the cash in my wallet?" And he nodded.

The dream fast-forwarded as they often do and I was on the ground looking up at the scattered gray sky. The three cockroach minions held my arms and legs while the soiled monarch was lying flat on his stomach beside me. Going through my wallet, flipping business cards and whatever aside.

Then he held up my car keys as the primary prize. He started taking the keys off, unringing them one by one. He motioned that I could keep my truck key and then scooped the others in a pile on my chest, like he was going to keep them.

Pinned on my back I said to him with irritation, "now you're just fucking me."

And then I woke up. Because I was done with all of that.

#dreams #alliislost #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

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I'm not psychic but my anxiety tells me that I am. Usually when “I know” someone's up to no good (without any evidence), they're not.

It's the shit from left field that I’m not expecting that zaps my serenity. As an example: when you say happy Mother's Day and you get the cold shoulder. Not what I was expecting.[1]

Best thing for me to do when my ESP flares up is just to keep my mouth shut. Let things play out without interfering. Stomping down the wrong path because “I know” turns me into that person who’s up to no good.[2]

I can deal with the zappers[3] because when I'm being the best me that I can, I know the cold shoulders aren't about me. It might take me a few minutes to find my spiritual footing and regain my truth but it's there if I cosmic pause and look for it.

I can also be a little more wary of those people who are legitimately known to be up to no good. No reason to be casting the pearls. People can be careless and reckless. I needn't let them spoil my fun.

I shouldn't spoil my own fun either.

#anxiety #protip #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

Ya, expectations 🙄 ↑

Jello Biafra once sang, ”your emotions make you a monster.” Ain’t that the truth. ↑

metaphoric electrocutor traps ↑

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Well into my way of twelve step recovery I confused the word “practice” with “perfected” somehow.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and had perfected practiced these principles in all our affairs.
-- Step 12 of Alcoholics Anonymous

I thought that because I’d worked all the other steps and had arrived at number 12 that I should be over some hump. Passed the bump. Made the jump. Maybe even overflowing with love while walking with spiritual principles or whatever.

Like I had crossed some finish line because I had had a spiritual awakening.

It wasn’t something that I consciously thought. I knew the step used the phrase “practiced these principles”, similar to applying them but for whatever reason I was holding myself to a "perfected" standard. Below the surface. Like not holding myself wide awake in front of my eyes, but more like how that creepy horror show music playing softly in the background holds you.

Of course then would feel like I was coming up short and imperfect. And not know why.

But… Just because I’ve had that spiritual awakening that doesn’t mean I’ve perfected anything. I have to continue to practice the principles much the way Maggie needs to practice her cello.

Granted with working the others steps and making it to twelve I have been elevated to a new plane of existence but I’m not cured or healed. By any stretch.

Okay that “elevated” part sounds a bit arrogant. But I have changed.

It's funny how our minds can know something but then deeper down in the canyon we believe or feel something else.

If something's bothering me, I should investigate. Even if it seems minor.

If anything is making me feel bad about me, something's off. No matter how slight or subdued or subliminal it may feel.

I need to have a look under the covers to see what's going on, see what's what. And in this case then discard that ridiculous notion of perfection. Just because I got to a certain point in life that doesn't mean I'm going to stay at that point. I need to continue to do those things that got me there.

#advancedsoul #twelvesteps #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

“You’d be arrogant too if you were me.”—-jimithesaint said that. i was here and heard him say it. If I ever learned anything that I still remember it’s to take everything with a grain-o-salt, “Don’t become a Saint by Tuesday.” “This Too, Shall Pass.” You’re not as good or bad as your best/worst self says you are. You’re a whole lot more human than human.

T, I love you more than sitting next to T——, the girl with the best boobs in the office.

“Don’t become a Saint by Tuesday.” — I love that one.

And thanks! You’re one of my best friends since my first self-imposed divorce.

Love you, my son. You are kind and sincere and doing well

Thank you, thank you!

You’re welcome!

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Well, what we got here is a phone call I had with my good friend Jimi, recorded earlier in the month. I mention or quote him from time to time on my blog and in my podcast. And he’s been a good friend for a close to three decades.

I met Jimi in the early 90s in Iowa when I first got sober. Stayed friends with him in the 2000s while I relapsed in Oregon. And then of course he was there after I sobered up again in Illinois in the early 2010s.

Jimi’s a saint and a scholar. He’s the big brother I never had. He’s made me think and laugh and let me in on the life secret, “everything is going to be okay.” Because… “the best is yet to come.”

So my thought going into the phone call was that it would be a test run recording, check audio levels, and see how well we both did under the mic.

Topics include Maggie, COVID and quarantine, online video calls, and experiencing the moment.

#diariespodcast #advancedsoul

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When I was newly sober, having a list of amends to make was like having a big pile of bills to pay. And I hate that feeling: a stack of checks to write and a list of people and places I owe. It’s just always on my mind, lingering in the back row like somebody murmuring behind you at the movies. When I stopped drinking my conscious woke up and I start hearing the voices of remorse.

And then there was that one time when I was in high school that I stole a whole bunch of books from the public library. It was way back when shoplifting was easy. Go in with a nearly empty backpack, load it up with Hobbit adventures, and walk out. Just be careful and it was really that easy. I didn’t feel any guilt at the time because for whatever reason in my head, the world owed me.

And then some time later when writing my 8th Step list my sponsor and I came up with a dollar amount that I owed them based on how many books I stole. That particular public library was in a different state so I wrote them a check and stuffed it in an envelope along with a letter saying, “I stole some books from you guys several years ago and here’s a check that I hope is compensation.”

Or something like that. It was short and sweet because the best amends are. If I get wordy I tend to want to justify, and my goal was to “pay the money back.”

In the days after mailing the letter I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know if I'd have charges pressed against me or I’d go to jail or whatever. When I put myself out into the unknown I never know what’s going to happen. My mind goes to all kinds of silly places and because I’m me, I assumed jail was in my future for most of my amends.

But I never heard back from the library folk. They just cashed the check a couple of weeks later. And I got on with my life. Another bill off the list and another mess cleaned up.

And that’s how I made all of my amends. As I could, when I was able. Wrote the checks. Paid the debts. One by one.

There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.

When I go to sleep now, if anything, I can always be grateful for not having amends to make that I know of. I’ve settled my books as best I can. And it feels good being able to walk into that library now with a clear conscience. That I have nothing to feel bad about. That I’m putting my best self out there instead of being a selfish jerk, helping myself to whatever I want.

When I was drinking I hurt a lot of people and did a lot of bad things. If you’re alcoholic or know one, you know how it goes. I wasn’t unique in the things I did, just par for the alcoholic course.

And it’s no wonder I drank the way that I did based on all the wrongdoings I had done. All the garbage I had piled on top of my soul. I hated looking at myself in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth. Couldn’t stand looking at the face staring back at me. That caused all that pain. Standing in front of the sink was my least favorite place to be.

After making my amends I was finally set free from that burden, finally set free from my past. Fully able to live in the present.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail but being released, walking out the door, feeling the fresh air all around, knowing last night is behind you… Well, that’s what making amends is like. It’s a fresh start and a new day ahead. No police, no handcuffs, no fear, and no looking back. Sentence served and restitutions made.

And now when I look in the mirror I generally only see these long eyebrows that I should pluck.

#alcoholism #twelvesteps #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

Never have I felt that it sounds as if you were giving a speech. I’ve always been captivated by your words, whether it be written or spoken. I’m also totally digging the new format/video edits in addition to the DIY audio tracks. And as always it’s wonderfully relatable in regards to recovery. 🎶❤️

Thanks man! What you said means a lot and I appreciate it! In another life all I did was record music in my free time and I love splicing audio into spoken word pieces. Then I don’t have to follow the verse, chorus, solo formula. We should definitely record some conversations and/or musics at some point!

I would like that very much!

September, the 9th month!

It was no accident, the cosmos knows what it’s doing 😉

Okay, I don’t know what that means exactly.

Bills and checks and amends. 9th step, 9th month

“There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscious.” Brilliant

I wish that was my quote, but it’s still really good none the less 😊

I like the Spontaneity. The ah’s don’t bother me. Useful/ Helpful content. I’d much rather see you then listen to the Podcast.

I think the ah’s only bother me when I listen to what I’ve recorded 😄

You are too hard on yourself!

I just have high goals for myself but I’m okay with not people perfect 😊

Beautifully written!

Thank you!!

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day I’d rather one would walk with me than merely tell the way …is what someone said in a meeting to me. I later found that they were quoting Bruce Carroll. I don’t know anything about Mr. Carroll other than that’s what google said about the lines.

Perfectly said!

That’s a good thing to carry in one’s pocket

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Believe it or not at one point I thought I wanted to be an accountant. Because I like it when the numbers add up. Equal parts payable, equal parts receivable. Equal parts ebb, equal parts flow.

At the end of the night all will be balanced.

I could never be an accountant though. Numbers aren’t colorful enough to me.

However, I still do like things to be balanced. Like I’m getting as much out of something as I’m putting into it. The reward matches the labor. Or else there’ll come a day when I’ll stop doing whatever I’ve been doing. If I don’t stop I’ll only end up resentful and being bitter is not something I want to be anymore.

When I speak at meetings I get so much more out of listening than I do talking. That’s why I go. I hug certain people because they hug me back. I write things like this so I get to know myself better. I pray because I’m led. I open an Easter egg because I calculate there’s a chocolate inside.

When something becomes a chore or I don’t feel like I’m being financially compensated or creatively fulfilled or emotionally satisfied then I’ll start making my way toward the exit. Because yes, people will want a pat on the back if they’ve busted their ass for you. And yes, I do cross my fingers that the flowers I planted will bloom.

It’s simple math really, black and white, objective and uncaring. Numbers don’t lie.

With my diaries magazine I had to close up shop on it. It wasn’t because I didn’t like doing it, it was because I was putting way more money into it than I was getting out.

I didn’t have any expectations that I’d buy a Porsche with all my piles of profits but I was hopeful that something might pan out with it. Sure, I was sad for a little while when it didn’t but that’s okay. I wasn’t mad or angry. Not everything works out the way we’d hoped and it’s okay to give up and move on to the next thing.

What’s more is that it’s okay to quit even after dedicating years to our pursuits. Sometimes the answer is “no.”

I think the hardest part is knowing when to throw in that towel. If we’re true to ourselves our heart will tell us. And if we follow that voice life will become balanced again.

#photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

Also, be really good at asking for help. And be even better at accepting help even when you don’t ask for it.

I learned to use “long derision”, “substraction”, “multifraction”, “verisimilitude” as important functions related to getting things to add up.

I love a good verisimilitude.

Believe it or not at one point I thought I wanted to be an accountant. Because I like it when the numbers add up. Equal parts payable, equal parts receivable. Equal parts ebb, equal parts flow.

At the end of the night all will be balanced.

I could never be an accountant though. Numbers aren’t colorful enough to me.

However, I still do like things to be balanced. Like I’m getting as much out of something as I’m putting into it. The reward matches the labor. Or else there’ll come a day when I’ll stop doing whatever I’ve been doing. If I don’t stop I’ll only end up resentful and being bitter is not something I want to be anymore.

When I speak at meetings I get so much more out of listening than I do talking. That’s why I go. I hug certain people because they hug me back. I write things like this so I get to know myself better. I pray because I’m led. I open an Easter egg because I calculate there’s a chocolate inside.

When something becomes a chore or I don’t feel like I’m being financially compensated or creatively fulfilled or emotionally satisfied then I’ll start making my way toward the exit. Because yes, people will want a pat on the back if they’ve busted their ass for you. And yes, I do cross my fingers that the flowers I planted will bloom.

It’s simple math really, black and white, objective and uncaring. Numbers don’t lie.

With my diaries magazine I had to close up shop on it. It wasn’t because I didn’t like doing it, it was because I was putting way more money into it than I was getting out.

I didn’t have any expectations that I’d buy a Porsche with all my piles of profits but I was hopeful that something might pan out with it. Sure, I was sad for a little while when it didn’t but that’s okay. I wasn’t mad or angry. Not everything works out the way we’d hoped and it’s okay to give up and move on to the next thing.

What’s more is that it’s okay to quit even after dedicating years to our pursuits. Sometimes the answer is “no.”

I think the hardest part is knowing when to throw in that towel. If we’re true to ourselves our heart will tell us. And if we follow that voice life will become balanced again.

#photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

Also, be really good at asking for help. And be even better at accepting help even when you don’t ask for it.

I learned to use “long derision”, “substraction”, “multifraction”, “verisimilitude” as important functions related to getting things to add up.

I love a good verisimilitude.

I just realized I used the music already in another video. What the living F? 🙄

I love it! 😘😘

Thank you!!

Great edit! Love it. 😍🤙🏻

Thanks! It took a bit to figure out how to work the multi camera stuff, but I like splicing nonsense together. Gives me something to do during the quarantine 🦠

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Driving to work this morning I was letting my minder wander, just absentmindedly thinking about random stuff. As I do. And today I was thinking that I used to drop a lot of hints. Boxes of styrofoam peanuts without anything tangible inside.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: dropping hints doesn’t work. After decades of experimentation I finally gave up. Believe me, I tried and tried to get people to read between the lines. Of my minds. And then more often than not I was only left wrongfully hurt by myself, because they couldn’t figure out what I was saying or what I was after. What I wanted.

I’m going to go out on another limb: being clear, concise, and direct in asking for what I want does work. Doing that removes any ambiguity. The other person just knows what I’m saying without having to do any guesswork. Screw the vague.

And that’s how you both win. ❤️

Because people love candidness. People love confidence. People love honesty.

I’m not saying that being direct is easy for someone like me for sure. I’m not naturally assertive. But when I walk a spiritual path it all becomes easier. Because everything will be "okay" regardless of what they say. And I do deserve nice things regardless of what my dysfunctional parts tell me. The hardest part is just figuring out what I do actually want.

Wait. There’s more.

The real beauty of this direct communication formula is that when other people clearly tell me what they want I, too, can listen and give them those very things. I don’t have to solve any riddles. I don't have to find the National Treasure.

And that’s how you both win again. ❤️

It does take some legwork on my end to figure out how I’m going to give someone what their heart desires but really they legwork isn't that hard. I just pay attention to what people say and then let the cosmos show me how. Listen closely and let the heavens guide my words, my hands, and my heart.

And all of this coming from yours truly, historically a non-talking, non-feeling, non-trusting nutcase.