Teachable Moments with Lori Petro

Hey there, I’m back with another Teachable Moments Voice Note, talking about the most common pushback I hear about not punishing kids, and why it’s the best argument for it!

Plus one small swap in how you think about “bad behavior.”

And if you missed last week’s announcement: Why My Card Shop Is Closing After 9 Years, you can read it here and see how you can take advantage of this moment!

Transcript:

Almost every parent I’ve ever worked with asks me the same question. And y’all, it’s the wrong one.

Hey there, It’s Lori, and I’m back with another Teachable Moment, where I turn conscious parenting theory into real-world action so you can talk to your kids without using blame, shame, judgment, or guilt. And it’s been a minute since I was able to jump on here. Sorry about that. Life was lifing.

So in my last note, I ended with an activity where I asked you to make two lists. In one, you listed all the ways you most often respond to your child. And the other listed all the ways you want your child to behave in the future, or the qualities you want them to have as an adult.

So, pull out those lists. Do you have any matches? Where you have 2 of the same words or similar qualities on both lists. Maybe you said you respond with empathy and you want your child to grow up to be kind. That’s a match. Maybe you said you respond respectfully and you want your child to grow up to be respectful. That’s a match.

Do you have 2, 3, more? The more matches you have, the more your everyday reactions are already building the behavior you want. Now, if you had none, don’t worry. You’re not alone. I remember doing this activity with parents, and I often heard: “I’m annoyed, angry, and impatient a lot of the time,” or “I’m snappy, mostly encouraging, but through lecturing.” They thought they were being firm and responsible, but their kids were hearing something else.

In many of my classes, you’d be in the majority. And often, I was right there with you - pushing back with arbitrary rules or threats so I could feel in control with a child I knew was already at her limit. This list is the first aha moment for many people when we realize how our own behavior is impacting our children’s.

So now that we have this information about our own behavior, what do we do with it? Let’s talk about today’s reframe. A lot of people seek help with their kids because they want fast answers to what they see as their immediate challenge. The “behavior.”

Remember the wrong question I mentioned at the top? Here it is: “How do I stop this behavior?” This is THE question most adults want answered. But we’re shifting that old-school perspective because it’s based on an “I’m in control of you” hierarchy that we’re trading in for an “I’m here to help you” relationship.

So every time you think, “How do I stop this behavior?” (because we all do it, even if we don’t act on it), I want you to ask a new question. Ask yourself: “How can I help my child in this moment?”

Instead of “How do I stop them from forgetting their homework?” ask, “How can I help them remember their homework and be more organized?” Instead of “How do I stop them from ignoring my requests,” ask, “How can I help them hear me and focus on what they have to do?” Instead of asking, “How do I stop them from being mean to their sibling?” ask: “How can I help them use kind words and regulate their anger?”

Because when we ask: How can I help? we become curious instead of punishing. When we’re curious, we remain open. Punitive threats or demands immediately close our kids down. They might “listen,” but they’re not “learning.” We want them to listen because they trust us, not because they’re afraid of what will happen.

And people will say, “Well, the world won’t care about their feelings.” And to that I say, ”Exactly. It won’t.” I will be the place where my child can practice and learn how to fail without shame.

To make a mistake or be in a bad mood without being criticized for their feelings so that when they do go out into the world, they’ll know how to regulate, respond with respect, and say, “No” when they need to.

Because if we don’t have that strong relationship in place, if our kids feel unheard, if they feel dismissed, any influence we think we have that comes from power and control, it will be temporary.

Eventually, kids grow up and reclaim their autonomy and the power to make their own decisions (however poorly if they’ve had no practice). If they felt unheard, they’ll go looking for someone who does listen, even if that person is harmful in other ways.

How can I help is the right question because now we see our child as someone in need of support instead of someone needing to learn a lesson. Like everything, this is a practice. Don’t feel like you have to “get it” all at once. If you feel frustrated because you’re thinking, “Lori, I’m being nonjudgmental and empathetic, and nothing changes.”

Sometimes our kids just don’t have the skills that we’re asking for. Sometimes it doesn’t work right away because you have to rebuild trust first. If you can’t seem to pause long enough to ask yourself, “How can I help?” there’s a reason. How we respond to our kids tells us not only what kind of feedback we’re giving them, but also how we were treated as kids.

Many of us grew up steeped in judgment, punitive control, and fear-based parenting. You’ve probably inherited beliefs about how kids should act that conflict with what you’re trying to do.

A lot of our reactions are automatic. It may come from not feeling heard as a kid. And now when our kids don’t listen, we get triggered. We don’t even know that we’re being triggered back to that five-year-old little kid who was never listened to.

We just know we want to be heard, now. And the rage builds up inside us. Or maybe it’s a feeling of discontent, gnawing at our last nerve, and we just can’t handle it.

Couple these feelings with unsolicited advice or commentary from our parents or others in our community who openly disapprove of how we handle things, and it’s no wonder we feel incompetent, think we’re failing our children, and need to be more strict.

We hear a lot of “kids don’t have any control today. They’re not held accountable anymore.”

And we’re tempted to rely on our power and position to correct behavior immediately, without investigation, because that’s what we’re used to.

That control brings relief. It gives us this false sense of accomplishment that feels good in the moment. The behavior change happens when we pinpoint the real source of our discomfort and address that instead of forcing our kids to change without regard for their experience.

So here’s this week’s activity: Journal about how you grew up. It’s a great way to explore any unconscious conditioning that’s dictating your behavior without your approval, without your conscious control.

Sometimes we don’t want to go back and investigate. We think, “It didn’t matter. I had a great childhood. My parents yelled at me. So what? I’m fine.” If you’re in that place, that’s okay too.

To support my work and learn more about turning conscious parenting theory into real-world actions, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Start with something small: How did you feel most often as a child? Were you free to make decisions, make mistakes, be affectionate, or show emotion? Did you feel judged or unsafe? Could you say “No,” without repercussions, or were you expected to obey without question?

Think about how your family traditions and culture impacted your caregivers and the choices they made. Were children to be seen and not heard? Were you expected to behave more maturely than your development allowed? Were you given more responsibility than you could handle at a young age?

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe you felt both loved and unsupported. The main takeaway is, if you feel like you’re always reacting to behavior, look at how you grew up and especially how you felt.

To wrap up: Remember the reframe: Instead of “How do I stop this behavior?” Ask, “How can I help my child in this moment?”

Not forever. Just in this moment right now. I think we rush to fix it for good, forgetting that repetition is part of the game. And then your activity: journal about your childhood and see if there are any moments or memories that stick out for you.

We don’t want our kids to become so anxious from blame, shame, judgment, and guilt that they learn to hide or lie. We want children to be self-directed, emotionally regulated, and eventually adjust their behavior without help. And these skills emerge as children participate in life and receive feedback from the people around them. And none of that comes from being told what to do. Next time, I’ll talk about the ABCs of conscious parenting and how I use them to decode the meaning behind my child’s behavior so I know exactly what I can do to help.

Thank you so much for listening. If you found this helpful, please consider supporting my ability to keep doing this work by becoming a paid subscriber.

Until next time, please remember, it’s about being conscious, not perfect.

Thank you so much for reading (or listening) to today’s Teachable Moment! If this moved you in any way, or you think it might benefit someone you know, I’d love for you to share it!

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WHY MY ONLINE STORE IS CLOSING

I created the Conscious Communication Cards so we could reframe the words we heard growing up into language that sets limits and builds skills — like emotional flexibility and compassion — while strengthening our relationships.

Transcript

(starts at 1:38 min):

Okay, so now that that business is out of the way, let’s get right to our 1st note, and welcome if this is the 1st time that you’re joining me. I’m so glad you’re here. Now, this 1st note might be a little bit longer because of the intro, but going forward, you can expect 3 to 5 minutes of inspiration each week.

And my hope is really simple: that what I share here just continues to ripple out from you into your home and then out into the world, so we can end punitive discipline and that obedience culture that keeps us really stuck in the pain that gets between adults and kids.

Now, I want to say that that does not mean erasing conflict or chasing perfection, not for you, not for your kids. I just want to be here to remind us of something that we already have, and that’s our ability to connect with our kids and to speak to them with real kindness.

The goal is to shift the patterns that get in the way, and then bring you a little more peace each week.

My favorite part of this work is really watching parents discover on their own what’s actually been holding them back from feeling, uh, like that leadership with their kids, from feeling confident.

So that’s what I want to do here.

I want to walk you through the shift from traditional fear-based thinking about raising kids into something more conscious, more emotionally aware, and more about the relationship. And give you actionable content — things that you can actually do.

I think that what makes the shift hardest is that most of us were raised to believe that tending to our children’s emotions is the same thing as coddling them. And that if we don’t stay firm or stay in control, they won’t survive the real world.

So, of course, empathy gets treated as a lack of discipline, but it’s actually the opposite.

Kids who are raised by caregivers who empathize first and then guide second are able to grow into self-regulated, socially aware adults who then go on to lead and create and problem-solve with confidence and compassion instead of that control that most of us were raised with.

So here’s what I want you to know before you go any further. Like I said, this isn’t about perfection.

You’re going to lose your patience. You’re going to snap over messes, rough nights, or a shoe that just won’t go on for the 4th time this morning.

Every parent has those days when their patience is thin, and that’s why you’ll hear me say conscious, not perfect. Everybody has big feelings. We have big feelings. Our kids have big feelings, but usually when they have big feelings, we think they need to be shut down instead of understood.

So, when our kids melt down in the Mommy and Me class or they slam a door when they become teenagers, those old scripts kick in, and they say, “Stop it, control it.”You know, find a way to make it stop. So the reframe in that moment is actually that your child is telling you something.

I don’t have the skills for this yet, or I need you closer, not further away, or I’m overwhelmed right now.

So the question isn’t, how do we stop this? But how do we hold the limit?

And often parents are saying, “Well, that’s great. I know that, but how do I hold a limit if we’re not punishing or using consequences?”

And I promise we’ll get to that.

Just for today, think about the last time your kid pushed a boundary. They wouldn’t get off the iPad, they hit their sibling, they told you they hate you. And in that moment, you had a choice.

Even if it didn’t feel like one, you did. You could either react from fear. — you could silence it, you could punish them, you could prove who’s the boss. Or you could respond from that place of connection where you stay steady, you get curious, and then you guide them through it.

Now, if you chose the 1st one, you’re not a bad parent. You’re like most of us. It means you probably didn’t know what to do at that moment. You felt dysregulated, you felt triggered, and you just went with it.

So it just means that nobody ever showed you, maybe, how to get that 2nd option. Or what it looks like with kids who don’t respond to consequences and control.

And that’s what these notes are for. It’s definitely not a quick fix.

It’s gonna take us looking at our own stories and how we came to parent the way we do. What we expected this to feel like versus what it actually feels like, what’s hardest right now.

It’s probably going to bring up some old memories, old wounds, patterns that you did not even know that you were repeating.

Here’s the 1st weekly activity.

I want you to get a piece of paper or write it on your phone, and I want you to make 2 lists (columns).

In the 1st list, let’s call it list A. I want you to list the qualities that you want to see in your child as they grow up. Kind, responsible, empathetic, whatever it might be.

Think of like four, five, six, seven — however many you can think of.

Then in the 2nd column for list B, I want you to think about the last month or 2 and then write down how you’ve most often behaved with your child. How did you most often react to everyday situations or conflicts?

Now, have you done that? Pause the recording here and do that first.

Okay, great. Now, I want you to look at your 2 lists and compare them.

Do you find any matches? How many words in column A match the words or the phrases in column B?

We can’t expect our kids to behave in ways that we’re not even able to. And this activity will give us some insight into what we’re actually contributing to their growth and development.

Okay, sometimes that activity brings up a lot. So this week, I don’t want you to do anything, but just notice when that old fear-based reflex kicks in, whether it’s the urge to yell, shut down, or win an argument.

You don’t have to change it, just notice it. Say to yourself, oh, there it is.

And then next week, I’ll talk more about how to take this information and then use it to create positive change in your home.

So that’s all for today. Thank you so much for listening. And please remember, it’s about being conscious, not perfect.

Thank you so much for reading (or listening) to today’s Teachable Moment! If this moved you in any way, or you think it might benefit someone you know, I’d love for you to share it!

To support my work and learn more about turning conscious parenting theory into real-world actions, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

I created the Conscious Communication Cards so we could reframe the words we heard growing up into language that sets limits and builds skills — like emotional flexibility and compassion — while strengthening our relationships.