That’s a Bernie

🎙️ Episode 20 – Would We Survive? (Absolutely Not!) ☢️😂

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow? Build a bunker? Run for the woods? Hide in Primark? Or just accept your fate and put the kettle on? 😂

This week on That's a Bernie!, we're putting our survival instincts to the test, and it's fair to say humanity probably shouldn't be relying on us!

From nuclear war and zombie-apocalypse-style survival planning to being stranded on a desert island, hijacked planes and a world without electricity, we're tackling some of life's most ridiculous (and occasionally terrifying) hypothetical disasters.

We've got plans to build bunkers in Steven's garden, disappear into the Portuguese wilderness, survive on coconuts and chickens, and somehow squeeze the entire family into one house for 30 days without someone committing murder.

But the real questions are: Who's actually useful in a crisis? Who's getting voted out first? And how long would we last without Wi-Fi, online shopping or a functioning toilet?

As usual, there are strong opinions, questionable logic, plenty of family arguments and absolutely no guarantee that any of us would make it out alive!

💬 We want to hear from you! Who would you want on your survival team? And which member of our family do you reckon would be the first to go?

Don't forget to send us your Bernies, dilemmas and family dramas, and follow That's A Bernie Pod on Facebook and Instagram!

🎧 Grab a cuppa, stock up on pasta and join us for another episode of That's a Bernie!

Because when the apocalypse comes, the biggest threat might actually be our own family! 😂

They gave us microphones. That was their first mistake. 🎤😂

Welcome to Unsupervised – The Kids Take Over!, the brand-new Wednesday bonus podcast from the chaotic family behind That's a Bernie!

This week, Taylor and Phoebe are officially taking control, and it's safe to say the adults might live to regret this decision!

From a friendship that started with a shove in the school lunch queue to broken beds, damaged televisions and camping trips where drinks were apparently more important than blankets, the girls are sharing the stories that probably should've stayed between them.

They're spilling their first impressions of the family, reminiscing about questionable adventures, discussing their love of animals and revealing a few things that might get them into trouble when the adults listen back!

Throw in theme park disasters, birthday plans, potential pet snakes and a healthy dose of completely unfiltered nonsense, and you've got the perfect introduction to our newest podcast duo.

Will they stay on topic? Unlikely.

Will they embarrass the family? Almost certainly.

Will we ever trust them with microphones again? Well… they're back next Wednesday, so apparently yes! 😂

💬 Get involved! Send Taylor and Phoebe your questions, embarrassing stories, family dramas and suggestions for future episodes.

Find us on Facebook and Instagram at That's A Bernie Pod.

🎧 Unsupervised – Every Wednesday!

And don't forget your usual dose of That's a Bernie! every Saturday at 6pm.

No adults. No filter. Absolutely no idea what they're doing! 😂🎤

Remember when we were little and thought we had our whole lives figured out? Yeah… how's that working out for everyone? 😂

This week on That's a Bernie!, we're taking a trip down memory lane to discover what we all wanted to be when we grew up — and how spectacularly different reality turned out!

From aspiring vets, footballers and paramedics to unexpected career changes, abandoned qualifications and a rather unfortunate encounter with an angry tanuki (yes, really!), nothing is quite as straightforward as we imagined.

Along the way, we're talking dodgy exes, difficult decisions, regrets, the joys of getting older and what we'd tell our younger selves if we had the chance.

Would we change anything? Have we actually grown up? And is it too late to sack off adulthood and become a millionaire who shops for a living?

Expect plenty of laughs, a few surprisingly heartfelt moments and the usual family honesty that probably should've stayed off the microphones!

💬 We want to hear from you! What did you want to be when you grew up, and how different is your life now? Get in touch on our socials, and don't forget to send us your dilemmas and family dramas!

🎧 Grab a cuppa, get comfortable and join us for another episode of That's a Bernie!

Because growing older is compulsory… growing up is apparently optional! 😂

⚠️ Listener discretion advised: strong opinions ahead. And we mean STRONG.

Jayne with a Y is back, Bernie has once again joined the chaos, and Chris occasionally provides commentary from somewhere in the background — which means this slightly longer episode of That’s a Bernie goes exactly as calmly as you'd expect.

We start innocently enough. Should chocolate go in the fridge? What about eggs? Fruit? Are Pokémon cards a legitimate investment or just expensive bits of cardboard? You know, the important issues facing society.

And then things escalate.

We get into family fallouts, wedding invitations, personal space, anxiety, autism and diagnostic labels, parenting, pronouns, identity and the increasingly complicated business of trying to communicate respectfully when people see the world very differently.

There are strong and contrasting opinions throughout this episode, and we don't always agree with each other — or necessarily express ourselves perfectly. These are personal views, experiences and an open family conversation rather than expert commentary, and some listeners may disagree strongly with what is said.

But that's rather the point.

Somewhere amongst the arguments, tangents and oversharing, there's also a surprisingly thoughtful conversation about boundaries, accountability, emotional regulation, family expectations and learning when it's better to walk away than win the argument.

Five people. Several controversial subjects. Approximately zero filters.

Grab a brew, put your chocolate wherever you believe chocolate belongs, and join us.

Expect chaos. Accept Bernies. Love each other.

Jayne with a Y has entered the chat… and Bernie came along for the ride.

This week, we’re joined by our best friend Jayne for her first episode of That’s a Bernie — and there was absolutely no chance this was going to be a quiet catch-up.

We go right back to where it all started: working together at the Manor, first impressions, clashes, questionable management techniques, workplace dramas, and the moments that somehow turned a group of colleagues into something much more like family.

There’s plenty of nostalgia as we remember the absolute chaos — and genuine magic — of the care home in its heyday, from donkeys and dementia care to the friendships that survived long after we all moved on.

We also discover why you should never spell Jayne without a Y, why TJ calling her “Archer” remains one of life’s simplest pleasures, and just how fiercely loyal she is when somebody she loves needs her.

Naturally, Bernie is there too, contributing exactly the level of Bernie-ness you’d expect.

It’s funny, nostalgic, occasionally emotional and very, very us.

Expect chaos. Accept Bernies. Love each other.

🎧 Have a story, dilemma or your own “That’s a Bernie” moment? Get in touch with us on Facebook or Instagram — we want to hear them!

And remember: it’s Jayne. With a Y. Woe betide you if you forget. 😂

We all have habits.

Some are good. Some are annoying. And some should probably remain private for the rest of our lives.

Naturally, we're sharing all of them.

This week, we're exposing the good, the bad and the downright ugly habits we live with every day – from the little routines we're secretly proud of to the disgusting things we definitely only do when nobody's watching.

We're deciding which everyday habits are green flags, red flags or absolutely fucking feral, confessing the weird things we thought everybody did and discovering which irritating behaviours we've somehow inherited from our parents.

Then things get personal.

We're revealing the habits our partners can't stand, admitting what drives us mad about the people we live with and, because apparently family harmony means nothing to this podcast, calling out each other's most annoying habits too.

There's also Habit Court, where everyone gets the chance to defend one of their questionable behaviours while the rest of us decide whether it's perfectly normal, mildly irritating, a massive red flag or grounds for immediate removal from society.

Expect confessions, judgement, hypocrisy and at least one moment where somebody says:

“Hang on… you do WHAT?!”

Because everybody has bad habits.

The difference is, most people are sensible enough not to record theirs and put them on the internet.

Get your PE kit, find your homework diary and prepare for a detention, because this week we're going back to SCHOOL.

We're revisiting the teachers we loved, the ones we absolutely couldn't stand and the ones who, looking back, probably shouldn't have been responsible for children in the first place.

There are school dinners to remember (and some we'd rather forget), playground politics, ridiculous rules, PE trauma, embarrassing moments, detentions, questionable punishments and the various things we definitely weren't supposed to be doing.

We also ask what we were actually like as pupils, whether our old school reports told the truth, what today's kids would make of the things that were completely normal when we were growing up – and whether any of us would survive a day back at school now.

And, because apparently enough time has passed to make honesty seem like a good idea, there may also be a few school confessions that our parents are hearing for the very first time.

So sharpen your pencil, cover your exercise book in leftover wallpaper and try to remember your PE kit.

Class is in session – although judging by our stories, it's genuinely remarkable any of us learned anything at all.

he internet has given us instant access to information, connected the entire world and completely transformed modern life.

And we've used it to buy absolute shite.

This week, we're talking Internet Fails – the dodgy purchases, ridiculous trends, questionable life hacks and viral nonsense that somehow convinced millions of perfectly sensible adults to lose all common sense.

We're confessing the things the internet made us buy, from products that looked life-changing online to the crushing disappointment that actually arrived through the letterbox. We revisit some of the bizarre trends we've collectively participated in over the years, judge whether viral life hacks are GENIUS or complete BOLLOCKS, and remember the rumours, chain messages and Facebook warnings we somehow used to believe.

There's also influencer culture, TikTok recommendations, online shopping disasters and the uncomfortable realisation that we're all much easier to influence than we'd like to admit.

But it's not all bad. We also admit the bits of the internet we genuinely love and couldn't imagine living without.

So clear your browser history, cancel that Temu order and step away from TikTok Shop.

The internet made us do it – and frankly, we should have known better.

We'd love to tell you that this week's episode starts professionally.

It doesn't.

Before we've even properly begun, Bernie and Kirsty spend nearly two minutes completely corpsing, nobody can pull themselves together and any remaining pretence that this is a professionally produced podcast disappears entirely.

Eventually, we manage to talk about dating.

This week we're looking back at first dates, disastrous dates, online dating and the red flags we probably should have paid considerably more attention to. From Tinder and Plenty of Fish to awkward cinema trips, unwanted advances and dates that should have ended much sooner than they did, there are some questionable romantic decisions to unpack.

TJ also opens the vault on a couple of his more memorable encounters – including a date involving a man dressed as a wizard and another where an unexpected hairpiece rather changed the mood.

We ask what actually makes a good first date, whether you should eat in front of someone you've only just met, who should pay, how dating changes once you're married with children and whether a night on the sofa with a board game can legitimately count as date night.

There's also dating safety, separate bank accounts, terrible matches, relationship finances and the important matter of keeping the spark alive when real life, children and budgets get in the way.

Come for the dating disasters. Stay to find out whether Bernie and Kirsty ever actually stop laughing.

You spend months looking forward to a holiday… only to arrive and discover the food is dreadful, the drinks contain approximately three molecules of alcohol and apparently you're not even allowed to eat your snack where you want to.

This week, we're talking holidays – the good, the bad and the ones that make you question why you bothered getting on the plane.

TJ gives his verdict on a recent trip to Majorca, including disappointing all-inclusive food, questionable drinks, hotel rules, buying his own bloody kettle and an unfortunate encounter between his skin and the Spanish sunshine. We compare all-inclusive with self-catering, argue over what actually counts as an essential hotel-room luxury and discuss why Gran Canaria and Tenerife might have won our affections instead.

There's also airport chaos, cancelled-flight panic, cruises, balcony cabins, family holidays from years gone by and the important question of whether going away with your children is actually a holiday at all.

Naturally, we don't stay on topic.

Somehow we also end up discussing zoos and animal sanctuaries, painful knees, pets, Netflix, horror films, true crime and the television programmes we're currently obsessed with.

Basically: sun, sea, family, animals, questionable entertainment and quite a lot of complaining.

Wish you were here? After listening to this, perhaps not.