My wife and I were in college when we first met. She filled the room with her energy. Standing at 5’10, she was (is) absolutely beautiful, funny, magnetic, charismatic, warm and friendly. The entire room felt her presence.

On the other hand, I was this short (5’5), soft-spoken, dude who grew up in the boonies and the only thing I had going for me was that I was a decent guitar player and singer with a rich repertoire of John Mayer cover songs. By all accounts, there was no way I had a chance with her.

My inner critic basically had one sentence. It said,

“She’s too tall for you, dude.” 

And for years, I believed that inner critic.

That simple but pernicious statement of “She’s too tall for you, dude” consumed my whole being. It made me feel small, which was not helping given that I was already 5 inches shorter than her. But it made me feel unworthy. It made me feel undeserving. I felt like I would never be good enough. I felt like there was so many other dudes she could get with that was taller, more handsome, more white, more capable and perhaps came from a family with more money. This is why we kept breaking up. I felt like if she knew the real me, she’d reject me.

This is what imposter syndrome does. It makes you feel like you don’t belong. It makes you feel like you shouldn’t even be in the game.

Look at this picture below. Look at what I would have missed out on if I believed my inner critic. All because the girl I liked was 5 inches taller than me.

I was coaching a CEO of a multimillion dollar company last week and she was caught up in her inner critic. She was caught up in her feelings of unworthiness. Man, I felt for her.

How could this extremely successful, bad ass of a woman allow herself to feel like this?

But that’s the thing. Imposter syndrome doesn’t discriminate. If it’s not affecting you, you’re likely in denial. The truth is imposter syndrome is a feature, not a bug. (Thanks Rich Litvin, for that insight). It’s a sign that you’re playing a big game.

I want to take this opportunity to share with you the lessons I shared with this CEO in hopes that it won’t take you over a decade to make friends with your inner critic.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Would you support my writing by sharing with your family and friends?

There are essentially 3 steps to alleviating imposter syndrome: Identify, Dis-identify, and Re-identify.

1. Identify

This step is about slowing down and coming to awareness. It’s becoming aware of your thinking, feeling and behavioral patterns. They’ll be thoughts like “I’m gonna be caught as a fraud” or “I don’t think I deserve to be here”. A sneaky behavior that’s disguised as a good thing is overworking, but be careful; rooted in imposter syndrome, overworking is just a dysfunctional coping mechanism to avoid your feelings of not belonging.

The important part here is to slow down. This is why developing a mindfulness practice is key. So that when you’re in the arena, you will have already trained your nervous system to become aware of these insidious patterns quicker.

2. Dis-identify

This step is about creating space between you and the thought, feeling and/or behavior. It’s important that in this step, you don’t deny, dismiss, avoid, isolate, rationalize or numb out. That’s not what this step is about. It’s about acknowledging the thought and feeling. Observing it. Creating space for it.

In meditation, we call this practice, developing your inner observer. There’s a part of you that’s independent and not hardwired into the rest of your nervous system. It’s what allows you to respond rather than react.

Dis-identification is the activation of your inner observer. When you practice this step, you create an opportunity to acknowledge what’s going on for you, without over-identifying or being consumed by it; whatever thought, feeling or behavior it might be.

3. Re-identify

This step is about aligning yourself with a higher state of being. It’s about connecting with a deeper sense of who you truly are. It’s the part of you that experiences peace independent of any outcome. It’s when your okayness is not rooted in what others think of you, what results you have or what you happen to do for a living.

This is the part of you that’s always been there before you had a name. It’s the part of you that’s unchanging. The part of you that is incorruptible. The part of you that is of the Infinite.

In meditation, they might call this the soul. Or the Divine. Or that which is just beyond the farthest reach our finite minds can imagine.

If these words have a tiny resonance within you, then you’ve likely already tasted it. You’ve already felt it. As far as I’ve experienced, this life seems to be about the ongoing recalibration to this part of ourselves. And again, if these words have a stirring effect within you, it’s likely that you’re already on the path. It’s likely you’ve already felt a tiny sense of a coming home to the truth of who you are.

In order to better habituate ourselves to this way of being, the path will require more silence, stillness and solitude. One of those three or all of them. It will require a sincere openness to this experience. It will require an honest and humble search.

Finding it could be through long walks. Or bike rides. Or sitting at the beach and looking at the sky.Anything in nature. 

As you keep searching for this depth, be gentle with yourself. Be kind. It’s a lifelong process and you’ve got time.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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