Ever wonder what really happens when I “tabulate the results using an abacus”?

This is The Abacus Files — eight straight minutes of pure, mystical nonsense pulled from the fever dream that is my creative process. A parade of psychic ferrets, deep-fried deep fryers, face bidets, kumquat bongs, and ceramic televangelists with spiderweb crowns — all gathered around one sacred desk to divine the true order of The Tragically Hip’s Top 40.

It’s equal parts séance, satire, and studio detritus — a love letter to the absurd rituals behind the show. Somewhere between noir and nostalgia, math and magic, you’ll find The Abacus Files: a companion piece to chaos, and maybe the most honest thing we’ve ever done.

So grab a candle that smells like nachos and regret. The spreadsheet gods demand tribute.

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