This narrative is an AI-assisted update of the classic Barney Miller episode "The Child Stealers" (Season 6, Episode 15, originally aired January 24, 1980). In the original broadcast, a man named Adam Boyer is arrested for being a public nuisance and claims to be a time traveler and historian from the future. Knowing that Detective Ron Harris is actively looking to invest his first major book royalty windfall from "Blood on the Badge," Boyer strongly advises him to invest all his money into zinc rather than gold. David Sepe takes an AI-assisted approach to the original to update and analyze exactly what Harris's investment choices would have borne over the subsequent forty-six years, projecting their values into mid-2026.
The squad room of the 12th Precinct was, as usual, a theater of the mundane. A low hum of traffic drifted up from the Greenwich Village streets, punctuated by the occasional hiss of the radiator in the corner. Captain Barney Miller stood near the doorway of his office, cup of lukewarm coffee in hand, watching Detective Ron Harris admire his own reflection in the glass of a framed precinct charter.
Harris was wearing a camel-hair coat that looked like it cost more than Wojo’s monthly salary. He tapped a sleek leather checkbook against his palm with a look of quiet, aristocratic satisfaction.
"It’s called capital, Barney," Harris said, his voice dripping with smooth self-assurance. "My publisher just cleared the first foreign rights royalties for Blood on the Badge. A cool, pristine check for exactly $1,547.64. And unlike the rest of the civil servants in this establishment, I intend to make this money work for me. I’m thinking gold. It’s a decade, it’s the eighties, Barn. Gold is the future. It touched $850.00 an ounce just three days ago. It’s an absolute rocket ship."
From across the room, Detective Arthur Dietrich didn't even look up from his copy of The New England Journal of Medicine. "Actually, Ron, gold peaked on January 21. Speculative bubbles are notoriously volatile. You might as well invest in pet rocks or tulip bulbs."
Before Harris could deliver a scathing rebuttal, Detective Wojciechowicz, Wojo, lumbered through the gate, escorting a man in an oddly tailored, seamless silver-gray windbreaker and a pair of spectacles that seemed to have no frames at all. The man was clutching a sleek, dark glass rectangle that had no buttons, staring in utter fascination as it emitted a soft, vibrant glow.
"Got a live one, Barn," Wojo said, steering the man toward a desk. "Found him at a phone booth on Sixth Avenue. He wasn't using the receiver. He was just holding this... this glowing glass brick against the glass dome and talking to it. Claimed he was 'downloading real-time commodity data' through the air."
"It’s an iPhone, officer," the man said, exasperated. "Specifically, an iPhone 17. My temporal displacement unit suffered a localized power cascade and dropped me here. My name is Adam Boyer. I’m an analyst."
Barney sighed, rubbing his forehead. "An analyst. From where, Adam?"
"Technically? From the year 2026," Boyer said matter-of-factly.
Wojo rolled his eyes. "Right. And I’m the Queen of England. Barn, I think he’s either a scam artist or he took too much of that synthetic stuff they’re selling over on Bleecker."
"No, look at this screen!" Boyer insisted, turning the glowing glass rectangle toward them. Vivid, colorful icons and fluidly moving graphs drifted across the glass, responding instantly to the light touch of his thumb. "For some odd reason, my 5G transceiver is picking up a faint, anomalous carrier signal. It’s tunneling straight through the local electromagnetic noise, syncing perfectly with the 2026 internet nodes back home. I have a live web browser in 1980…how cool is that!"
Harris leaned in, his vanity momentarily eclipsed by pure gadget envy. "How does it light up like that? Where are the wires? Dietrich, what is this?"
Dietrich set his medical journal down, stepping closer to inspect the device with narrow, analytical eyes. "Fascinating. Barney, this device appears to be accessing a highly advanced iteration of what we currently know as ARPANET, the Advanced Research Projects Agency Network. Established by the Department of Defense in 1969, ARPANET utilizes packet-switching technology to transmit data across decentralized mainframe nodes. If this gentleman's transceiver is indeed forty-six years ahead of our current standard, it is likely utilizing a localized atmospheric tachyon leakage to handshake with the globalized descendants of those early university computer interfaces."
"Exactly!" Boyer said, looking at Dietrich with newfound respect. He pointed a finger at Harris's pocket. "And because I have a live connection, I can see your history, Harris. You have exactly $1,547.64 in your pocket right now, don't you? Your very first major royalty check, dated January 24, 1980. I read about it in the digital archives."
Harris gasped, instinctively covering his coat pocket. "How could you possibly know that? Wojo, did you look at my mail?"
"I don't care about your mail, Harris!" Wojo muttered.
"I know it because it's a historical footnote," Boyer said. "And my phone's financial app is showing me the future.
Boyer tapped the side of his glowing phone. "You know, my temporal uplink is still strong. I have the entire digital municipal archives at my fingertips. Since I'm here, would any of the rest of you like to know your futures? I can look up your career trajectories, marriages, pension plans..."
The squad room falls silent.
Wojo stepped forward, his eyes suddenly lighting up. "Hey, wait. Can you see if the Mets win another World Series before I retire? Because the way they played last season—"
"Wojo, please!" Dietrich interrupted, stepping between them with a severe look. "Barney, we face a profound epistemological dilemma here. If we accept the premise that Mr. Boyer is indeed a traveler from the twenty-first century, any disclosure of our future actions poses an existential threat to the space-time continuum. By observing our future states, we introduce quantum uncertainty into our present timeline, risking a temporal feedback loop that could erase the twelfth precinct, or worse, cause Ron to make even poorer investment choices." Dietrich adjusted his glasses, looking thoughtful. "Conversely, if we accept the alternative hypothesis, that Mr. Boyer is simply a delusional eccentric with a highly sophisticated novelty calculator, then we are merely entertaining the erratic whims of a madman. Either way, the risk-reward ratio of knowing whether we end up in comfortable retirement or a state-funded nursing home is statistically unfavorable."
Barney walked over and tapped Boyer on the shoulder. "Alright, Mr. Boyer, I think we've had enough financial planning for one afternoon. Wojo, did you check with transit? Is there actually any damage to the phone booth?"
"Nah, Barn," Wojo said, looking disappointed. "Just some scratched paint and a very confused operator who said she heard static. Boyer chimes in that it sounded more like 'dial-up internet,' Wojo, sarcastically mumbles, “whatever that is."
At this point Harris is calling his broker. Boyer passionately tells Harris to wait and hang up.
If you put that money into gold today, you are going to get slaughtered. Gold is trading at $717.00 an ounce today, but it’s going to crash. It’ll hit a low of $252.00 by the turn of the century."
Harris paled. "My shirt? This is Italian silk, man!" Harris has confused his broker and Harris tells his broker to hold, I’m not talking to you.
"If you want a real, physical asset that will actually beat inflation over the next forty-six years," Boyer whispered, showing Harris a live chart of base metals, "you need to buy zinc."
The squad room fell dead silent. Wojo looked at Barney, then back to Boyer.
"Zinc?" Wojo asked, squinting. "Like... the stuff they put on nose sunburns?"
Dietrich pulled a pencil from behind his ear, grabbing a blank precinct memo pad. "Actually, Wojo, zinc is a transitional metal, atomic number 30. It is primarily utilized as an anti-corrosive agent in the galvanization of iron and steel. Let me calculate this proposition."
Dietrich began scribbling furiously. "Adam, according to your 2026 data stream, what is the commodity structure?"
"The global commodity market structures raw zinc prices based on metric tons," Boyer explained, tapping his screen. "Right now, on January 24, 1980, raw zinc is priced at exactly $773.82 per metric ton. If Ron takes his $1,547.64 and buys exactly two metric tons of physical zinc, he will hold an asset that appreciates steadily."
In the meantime, Harris has made up his mind to buy gold, and is waiting anxiously for his broker who has him on hold, and in the meantime is listening to Dietrich speaking with Boyer.
"Let's trace that to mid-2026," Dietrich said, his pencil flying across the page. "Accounting for the erosion of purchasing power due to standard currency inflation, Ron's original $1,547.64 in 1980 will have the equivalent purchasing power of approximately $6,294.25 in 2026. Now, Adam, what is the mid-2026 trading price of zinc on your screen?"
Boyer scrolled down. "Due to severe global supply chain crunches, tight ore supplies, and massive international smelter disruptions, raw zinc is trading at $3,530.00 per metric ton."
By now Harris’ broker comes on the line and Harris enthusiastically tells his broker to buy 2 tons of zinc, now! He acknowledges a couple of formalities and victoriously slams his phone down.
At this point, Harris with a wide grin on his face tells Boyer that he purchased gold and did not listen to him, because he is NOT from the future.
Now, the whole squad room informs Harris that he didn’t purchase gold, he purchased zinc. Harris doesn’t believe it, and goes panic-strikento his phone to call his broker all the while Boyer now has a wide grin on his face.
Dietrich calculated the final sum, tapping his pad. "Fascinating. Your two metric tons would have a physical material value of exactly $7,060.00. In nominal terms, Ron, your net dollar gain is +$5,512.36. However, when adjusted against our CPI-adjusted baseline of $6,294.25, your real buying power gain is a mere $765.75."
Wojo frowned, trying to follow the math. "Wait. So he buys two tons of metal, keeps it in a warehouse for almost fifty years, and he only makes seven hundred bucks?"
"In real buying power, yes," Dietrich said.
By now, Harris has reached his broker and realizes his faux-paux, he bought two tons of zinc.
Harris, crossing his arms defensively, glared at Dietrich, and in a defeated tone asks, "And what about my original plan, Dietrich? If I had spent my royalty check on gold today at $717.00 an ounce, how does that play out on your futuristic phone?"
Boyer tapped the screen, pulling up a gold chart. "Gold is at $717.00 today."
Dietrich's pencil scratched the paper. "With $1,547.64, you would purchase approximately 2.158 ounces of physical gold. According to the live feed, spot gold in mid-2026 has climbed to roughly $4,007.27 per ounce. Therefore, Ron, your gold holdings would be valued at exactly $8,647.69."
Harris's dejected sigh, with a look of false triumph returning to his face. "Over eight thousand, six hundred dollars! Ha! That easily beats the zinc!"
"Nominally, yes," Dietrich agreed dryly. "But when we measure that against our CPI-adjusted inflation baseline of $6,294.25, your real purchasing power gain is only $2,353.44. While it beats zinc, it is still a remarkably modest return for holding a precious metal in a vault for nearly half a century."
Harris's smile withered. "Two thousand dollars? After forty-six years? What about the stock market, Adam? What if I had just put the $1,547.64 into the stock market?"
Boyer swiped to an index tracking app. "If you had bought the S&P 500 Index today, on January 24, 1980, the index is sitting at 113.70. By mid-2026, the S&P 500 nominal index value translates your $1,547.64 investment into approximately $101,318.00, even without accounting for compounding dividends."
Harris sits silently at his desk looking straight ahead.
Dietrich added, his mathematical enthusiasm growing, "And if you were to reinvest those dividends over nearly five decades, Ron, the historical compound annual return of roughly 10.5% to 11.8% would yield you well over $200,000.00."
Harris still sits silently at his desk, but now puts his head on his desk.
"Wait, wait," Boyer interrupted, his face illuminating from the blue light of the screen. "There's an even better equity play. Look at this. If you hold on to your $1,547.64 in a standard savings account for just a few months until December 12, 1980, you can put that money into the initial public offering of a new personal computer company called Apple Computer."
"Apple?" Wojo squinted. "They're selling fruit on the stock market now?"
"It is a microcomputer manufacturer, Wojo," Dietrich corrected, peering over his glasses. "Based out of California. I've read about their Apple II system." Dietrich pulled a fresh sheet of paper. "Adam, what are the parameters of this IPO?"
"The offering price on December 12, 1980, is exactly $22.00 per share," Boyer read off his screen.
Dietrich’s pencil moved at lightning speed. "Excellent. With $1,547.64, Ron would have purchased exactly 70 shares of Apple stock, leaving him with $7.64 in pocket cash. Now, Adam, does this corporate entity undergo capitalization restructuring over the next forty-six years?"
"Yes," Boyer replied, scrolling through a corporate actions menu. "Apple executes five distinct stock splits: a 2-for-1 split on June 16, 1987; another 2-for-1 split on June 21, 2000; a third 2-for-1 split on February 28, 2005; a massive 7-for-1 split on June 9, 2014; and a final 4-for-1 split on August 31, 2020."
Dietrich paused, calculating the compounding multipliers. "2x2x2x7x4 equals a cumulative split ratio of exactly 224-for-1. Therefore, Ron, your original 70 shares would split-adjust into exactly 15,680 shares by 2026."
Harris, still sitting but now lightly hitting his head against his desk, "and... what is the share price of Apple on that phone in 2026?"
Boyer tapped the live ticker symbol AAPL. "It is currently trading at exactly $326.59 per share."
Dietrich calculated the final multiplication, letting out a low whistle. "Good grief. Ron, your 15,680 shares would have a raw, nominal market value of exactly $5,120,931.20. Plus your leftover seven dollars and sixty-four cents."
Harris gasped, mumbling “seven dollars and sixty-four cents” while clutching his chest as if his heart had stopped. "Five million..."
"But wait, Ron, there is more," Dietrich continued, a faint, almost sadistic gleam of mathematical satisfaction in his eyes. "If you had enrolled those shares in a Dividend Reinvestment Plan, a DRIP, to automatically purchase fractional shares with Apple's quarterly cash dividends, the compounding effect would have expanded your holdings to roughly 20,150 shares today. At $326.59 per share, your portfolio would be worth in excess of $6,580,000.00."
Harris slowly sinks deeper into his desk chair, staring blankly into space, his eyes wide and vacant. "Six and a half million dollars... Man, I could have had six and a half million dollars..." He looked up at Boyer with pure, unadulterated betrayal. "And you wanted me to buy zinc?"
"Zinc is real! It's tangible!" Boyer said defensively, clutching his iPhone. "You can't make a brass alloy out of a microcomputer stock certificate!"
"I don't want to make brass, man! I want to buy a penthouse!" Harris yelled, slamming his hand on the desk.
Barney once again walks over to Boyer, "Alright, Mr. Boyer, I think we've definitely had enough financial planning for one afternoon. Wojo, Mr. Boyer is good to go, correct?
"Yup," Wojo said, looking confused at what just transpired.
"In that case, let him go," Barney said. "Adam, take your iPhone and go back to... wherever it is you came from. And try not to wire any more public payphones."
Boyer gathered his device, adjusting his silver jacket. "Thanks, Captain. And Harris, you’ll make more money in the future…and seriously, avoid the gold. As Boyer opens the door to leave the squad room, he turns and says to everyone in the room, “and trust me on the Apple thing."
With a quick wave, Boyer vanished out the precinct gate, blending instantly into the flow of late-afternoon Manhattan traffic.
For a long minute, the squad room was silent. Wojo stared at the gate, then turned to Dietrich. "Hey, Dietrich. You think he was telling the truth about that Apple thing?"
"A highly speculative venture, Wojo," Dietrich said, turning back to his medical journal. "I'd stick to municipal bonds."
Harris sat at the desk, staring down at his pristine royalty check of exactly $1,547.64. He slowly closed his leather checkbook, his dreams of gold-plated penthouses temporarily grounded by the heavy, unglamorous weight of two metric tons of zinc and the agonizing ghost of six million lost computer dollars.
Barney watched him for a second, a small, knowing smile playing on his lips. "Well, Harris," Barney said, turning back toward his office. "Look on the bright side."
"What's that, Barney?" Harris sighed.
"At least you won't have to worry about your apartment rusting."
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