We all know what it is.

We have all done it.

We’ve all had it done to us.

Let’s talk about when it’s appropriate when it’s not, and why it can be so frustrating.

We all know what ghosting is, and we’re aware that it’s now a verb. But let’s define it so we’re on the same page.

Ghosting is when someone stops communicating, typically through asynchronous means like texting or emailing. It’s not an active, face-to-face conversation; it’s a “ping-pong” style of communication where you do something and then wait for the person to respond. Ghosting can be temporary or permanent. Most of the time, it’s frustrating and inappropriate, but sometimes, it’s the right call.

Let’s get the “appropriate” uses out of the way first. Ghosting can be a necessary act of self-preservation when things get out of hand. If a conversation becomes heated or unprofessional, or if a client goes off the rails, people will choose to ghost. If you’re in a toxic relationship where the only end is parting ways, that’s a time for ghosting. A specific example is a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, where any engagement—positive or negative—is what the person craves. The only way to subvert that is to have no engagement at all.

When it comes to online dating, people tend to get burned, so they ghost. If you realize you’re not a match with someone or they exhibit signs that make you uncomfortable, ghosting is often the safest option. I can guarantee that you will get burned for trying to take the high road and explain exactly why you don’t think you’re a match.

Now, let’s talk about what we typically experience with ghosting: the frustration, the head-scratching, the feeling of helplessness. It never feels good to be shut down; it feels far better to be disagreed with. We need to be validated, if not for our opinion, at least for our perspective.

The crux of most ghosting is that people simply don’t want to deal with a line of questioning or a demand on their Time, Energy, and Resources. People with a disconnecting or disassociating personality tend to ghost when things get tough, overwhelming, or when they feel someone is demanding their time. They stop the communication, but the person on the other side still has the question and the need.

You’ll often see this pattern: you text pleasantries with a friend, and they respond right away. But when you ask, “Hey, are we still on for Tuesday?”… crickets. Then, 48 hours later, they might say, “Oh, I was really overwhelmed, I’m just seeing this.” If this happens a lot, that person is exhibiting a communication style of disconnection. They don’t want to commit, so they let it lie until it’s too late.

If you are the Ghoster: First, bravo for the self-reflection. If you have good connections with people—friendships, business relationships, romantic connections—it typically works out better when you’re honest. I know I mentioned being burned, and that’s still true, but things generally go better if you’re direct.

Simply say, “Look, I’m not going to do that, not because I don’t have the time, but because I don’t have the energy for it.” If they don’t understand, you can explain that you need to show up with the right energy, and sometimes an event or interaction doesn’t align with that. It’s okay to prefer a certain kind of interaction. For some people, quality time is a love language, so your absence can be more hurtful than you imagine. If you’re honest, they can use logic to understand and will likely stop asking for things that aren’t right for you.

If you are the Ghosted: Sometimes it helps to reframe your request to make it easier for them to answer. You can say, “Look, all I’m asking for is X. Can we do X by this date, or is it a big deal? If it is, just let me know and I won’t ask again.” A good connection can usually stand that kind of honesty.

However, if someone does this repeatedly, you may have to re-evaluate the relationship. Ghosting is a great indicator of the service level you’re going to get, the quality of a client you’re going to have, or the quality of a connection you’ll have with a person. Use it for what it is and recognize it for what it is.