The Angsty Pod

Hey friends! This week, I am not releasing a new episode because your girl needs a little mental health minute, but not to worry! I will be back! <3

I've got some exciting interviews coming up for The Angsty Pod and will return to either a different diary, or back to college when I'm feeling a little more calm and ready. 

Thanks for your patience and big love!

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

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Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

Mike and Mark and Matt... oh my! 

First semester is over, and I'm home for the holidays. And, you guessed it, drama ensues! 

I finally hook up with my friend Mark but it doesn't go the way either of us planned. 

I have an unplanned hookup with a guy named "Jeff" who is nice enough, but we just don't click. I pretend I don't know why but, spoiler alert: it's because I've started sleeping with women! 

But also because I feel completely ashamed of how I look and feel. I start a nasty binge-and-purge cycle which became hard for me to talk about in this episode so I'm saving it for later. <3 Basically, I can almost pinpoint the moment my ED is lit ablaze -- I find a pro-ana community and the spiral begins.

"I was so tired today. Not just tired but woozy, slow, inhibited." <3 Breaks my heart!!!

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If you're struggling with ED, the CMHA has resources that can (and do!) help <3

https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/understanding-and-finding-help-for-eating-disorders/

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For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

This episode covers most of my first semester of college and is a total whirlwind. One minute, I'm quoting Buddha. The next minute, I'm making out with everyone's girlfriend at the bar. I'm blacking out every Monday and will flirt with anything that has a pulse. 

I spend most of my time apologizing to my friends for how I treated them the night before. I can't keep my crushes straight. The only guys I am romantically interested in are the ones who are the meanest to me. 

It gets dark. Like, really dark.

But there's some beauty in this one, too. I reminisce about my friend Mark and how close we came to a different outcome. My friendships with the girls in my dorm bloom into something real. I get over Bob and Rhonda and do well in my first semester, despite showing up to class drunk or hungover most of the time.

My memories from this time are not totally accurate and although it was hard to reflect on them, it's been good to go back to some of these moments too. <3

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

In this episode, I have just landed in college. Let the shame spiral begin!

My first night, I am drowning in loneliness until I make friends with my roommate Rhonda. We start drinking together and party our first weeks of college away. 

I make friends... a lot of friends. Just like my high school days, I start making out with girls in secret corners of our dormitory and the bars I am calling my second home. 

I have a hookup that is so bad I can't even write the details down. I say, "It's fine..." and then, "I guess what was fine about it was that I wasn't alone..."

The night after my hookup, my roommate doesn't come home, and I find out that she has also hooked up with him. I'm furious (and hurt) and my college experience almost implodes.

I also, for the first (and only?) time, ask myself: What Would BUDDAH Do? lolololol but it's more like What Would Bob Marley Do? (???)

I don't know. Things are weird. Get ready for a bumpy ride. 

P.S. I thought I would get through college in one episode, but I only made it to mid-October in the first hour... so we'll see what happens.

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

Hope you all enjoy this special episode where I tell the story of our three weddings <3 (Spoiler Alert: One of them was a disaster)

"I spent years making other people’s weddings beautiful while believing I didn’t need, or maybe didn’t deserve, the same kind of care myself."

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

It's 2007 - the summer before I leave for college. Life is a party and I am dying inside.

Also, I still don't know what happened with Dave. >_<

My entire life is devoted to house parties, bar hopping, and nursing my hangxiety. My heart is with my boyfriend Corey, but the rest of me... she's all over the place. 

My life is bursting at the seams with drama, drama, drama. I'm mad at my boyfriend, my boyfriend's sister is mad at me, my sister is mad at me, my sister is best friends with my boyfriend's sister. IT'S CHAOS.

At the very end of this diary, I move away to college! I have an emotional moment with my Dad and am about to enter into the best/worst year of my life!

Thanks for coming along for this wild ride. <3 Also, shoutout to Rhonda!

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

What goes up and down more than a yo-yo? My feelings towards my high school boyfriend!!! Things are getting even MORE unhinged over here. 

It's 2007 and I've just gotten accepted into college. I've taken a year off to save for college and am working two jobs. The only thing standing in the way of my ambition is the fact that I am getting blackout drunk almost every single night. Oh, and then there's the super nice guy I'm dating but can't wait to get away from. <3 

"I hate him thinking that I hate him," is a line I repeat again and again and also can't seem to stop. Also, "I was having a really good time until my boyfriend showed up," is a common theme. 

This episode shows my state of mind and how rocky things are following my parents' separation. The on-again/off-again relationship with Corey is so hard on on us both and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

Although nothing catastrophic happens in this episode, I can hear what a hard time I am having, and it hurts my heart. 

I end this episode with the very early seedlings of forgiveness work (Ugh.) and also a HUGE cliffhanger. WHAT HAPPENED WITH DAVE?!?! SORRY!

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

This is a special/different episode where I expand on last week's episode and read the poem that inspired it all. <3 This is one of my favourite poems I've ever written and it was published in Gulf Stream last year. 

I talk a little about how cohesive my creative life is right now - this podcast often informs and bleeds into my Substack, which often bleeds into my 52 Essays Project, which then informs my work as an abortion doula, which informs everything else. 

Here is a link to the essay I read, where you can see my poem.

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

Content Note: This episode explicitly mentions sexual assault. Please take gentle care when listening. 

If you're struggling with Sexual Assault or Abuse, text the word HOPE to 64673. They'll help, I promise. <3

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Ooof, this one is a tough one <3 Everything was going fine - you know, just the regular stuff: sex, drugs, strip clubs, and bong riffs. And then, towards the end of the episode, I have an epiphany and you will hear me having a spiritual experience in real time. Vulnerability hangover, here I COME!

I start this episode with a heartbreaking letter to my amazing boyfriend, trying to explain why I have been so distant lately. It turns out that divorce still impacts kids, even when they're all grown up.  >_< Also, it turns out I'm super gay.

I'm healing from my car accident and only working part-time. I'm out of high school but haven't decided on college. My boyfriend is alternating between being mad at me and loving me so much I can't take it. I spend an awesome week in Florida with Corey and his family. My sister moves out. My Dad and I bond. I know I need to come out soon but I'm still very much in the closet. (As in, I'm making out with girls in closets.)

Then, I get a visit from someone from my past that rocks me. It rocks me again to read about it now.

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support

Content Note: This episode mentions suicidal ideation, suicide, drug abuse, a car accident, and mental health in a way that might be hard for some listeners. Please take gentle care. If you're in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime.

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In this episode, I dive headfirst into something I was avoiding during my last episode. 

In the summer of 2016, on the cusp of adulthood, my mother left. I thought I remembered it correctly, but reading back on these diaries, I realize my memories aren't my memories. My memories. It's such a strange sensation to read what's true instead of what I've imagined to be true for 20+ years. But, in this episode, I am trying to be brave.

There's some pages ripped out and so much sadness, which I always thought was anger.

I also read more about what's going on with Corey. Louis re-enters my life. I am in a horrible car accident and severely depressed. It's a tough episode but worth listening to. 

The essay I refer to in this episode can be found here: https://themondayclub.substack.com/p/sharing-a-cigarette-with-my-mother

For more info on my work as a writing coach or to sign up for workshops, head to www.doulaofwords.com

Follow on IG & threads @doulaofwords

To sign up to be a guest, please email Yoda at [email protected] - we'd love to have you!

Find my books here <3

------------

Kid's Help Phone: You can reach a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone in English or French 24/7 by calling 1-800-668-6868

9-8-8: Call or text from anywhere in Canada or the U.S., anytime

CMHA: Call Reach Out at 1-866-933-2023 to receive mental health and/or addictions support