I used to think home was the ideal place I had created for myself in my mind. The place I knew I would be able to afford when I turned thirty. My forever home with space for permaculture, a zen garden, and my many many animals. Now as I settle into urban living I realize that home is exactly what I create for myself and my daughter in the four walls we have been given. That home is a blessing just as having food and a car are too. These are all luxuries I was not given as an adult (and adolescent) but had to work for. I wanted a phone? I had to get a job to buy one and pay my phone bill monthly. I wanted clothes? I needed to save my money in order to purchase those items. This taught me I could only depend on myself, and in ways that was true but in other ways, it was a lie. I had people who saw how much I was bearing on my shoulders and reached out to help me and lessen the burden. What this has created is an intensely independent person who feels the need to keep everything controlled to feel secure. In drawing in my male counterpart this created intensity and chaos beyond my wildest dreams, and it cracked me open in order to discover viewpoints that I had all wrong.
I used to think I was the avoidant (anxious too) one in relationships and it wasn’t until recently that I realized I am actually a bit more erratic. My go-with-the-flow nature with my need for security and comfort created a bubble of uncertainty. The change and insecurity of having moments where I was kicked out of places pregnant in the middle of the night, hopping on a bucket to get to an outhouse in the dark, or leaving work to find that my car was towed had left me rigid, fixed, and unwavering. As I lean into the softness of my own femininity I worry someone will take advantage, but there are so few I let in near to my heart.
Letting the rivers flow from my eyes has created a new form of insecurity that cause me to wonder why it is that men don’t cry more too. How unfortunate life is when society tells you to keep it all tucked away, compartmentalized for feeling at a later moment.
As I settle into this new home that I so vehemently wanted to hate for it’s proximity to the city, I realize I only created a pool of disdain to soak in my own putrid hate for just a moment, like an overstepped Pu’er tea. I release my moment of lack of clarity and move on knowing home is whatever you create of the cards you have been dealt in this lifetime.
No more goals for me as they leave me only longing for the ending. I am inviting in the opportunity to create systems that keep me on course in my windy version of life.
So in 2022, I am committed to the process. I will make progress by committing to the process.
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Written under an Aquarius sun and an Aries moon feeling like maybe I should become a coffee drinker too.
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