The Art of Parenting

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Spiritual Identity

Guest:                         Dennis and Barbara Rainey                                   

From the series:       The Art of Parenting: Identity (Day 2 of 3)                 

Bob: Your child is a complete person—body, soul, spirit. As parents, we need to be addressing every dimension of our child’s life including the spiritual dimension. Barbara Rainey says to help shape a child’s spiritual identity, we need to introduce them to the God who created them.

Barbara: Helping them understand that God is good, and that God has great plans and purposes for you, and that He loves you. I mean, what a privilege for a mom and a dad to be able to communicate those wonderful truths about God to your children. Because it helps them see Him as He really is—but it also helps them begin to feel good about who God made them to be—and that’s a part of developing a healthy identity.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Tuesday, January 29th. Our host is Dennis Rainey. I'm Bob Lepine. Helping to shape and mold a child’s spiritual identity is one of the great responsibilities and one of the great privileges we have as parents.

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We’ll explore that today. Stay with us.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. 

We’re talking this week about an aspect of parenting that—I think parents recognize as we’re in the process of raising our kids—we recognize that this is something that is important. I just don’t know that we—that I ever put a label on it. That I am helping to shape my child’s identity as they grow—helping them get a sense of self—a good understanding of who they are. 

Although I have to tell you—and there’s some parents who are just going to be mortified by this—but when our daughter Amy was born—when she was still a little baby before she could speak,

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I would take her up in my lap and I would talk to her. I would bounce her on my lap and I would say “You’re so cute. You know you’re so cute.” And then I’d say “You’re also depraved. You are totally depraved.” [Laughter] “You’re a wicked sinner.” I’d do that as I bounced her, and she’d smile and giggle and laugh while I’d talk about it. 

Dennis: We should call Amy and find out how that—

Barbara: —damaged her.

Bob: —scarred her for life? Well there’s—I have to tell you another story real quick. She likes telling the story. We were driving home from summer camp and she was asking a question about her—her virtue—like her good works. I don’t know how the conversation came along but the dialogue was that no matter how good her best works were on any day they would always be tainted with the reality of sin. Well somehow in her 11-12-year-old heart, that was terrible news— [Laughter] —that she could never have a good work that would be a 100% pure. 

Dennis: Pleasing—Pleasing to God, yes.

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Bob: Right. She shared this story with some of her friends who think I was a terrible parent for telling a 12-year-old that their works would always be tainted by sin. I thought I was just being biblically accurate as I was raising my kids but helping them understand their identity. A big part of that is helping them understand their spiritual identity—who they are apart from Christ, who they are in Christ, and how all of that plays out for them.

Dennis: I’m tempted to run a straw poll—from our listeners—about how many think Bob—

Bob: —think Bob was cruel. [Laughter]

Dennis: —was cruel by doing that.

Bob: I don’t want to know.

Dennis: I don’t really want to know either. Here’s the thing. Our identity—who we are—determines what we become. I’ll give you an illustration of this. 

By the way, we haven’t introduced Barbara—Barbara, my bride for now 46 plus years, joins us again on FamilyLife Today. Welcome back.

Barbara: Thanks. Glad to be here as always. It’s fun.

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Dennis: Great mom of six—Gramma of 24. We’re in the thick of this thing called “next generation” right here. 

Anyway, I was going to tell you a story about what happened to me when I was a senior in high school. I was in a magazine subscription contest. We were raising money to go on a senior trip. So, the subscriptions back then for Outdoor Life or Time magazine—all the magazines were only two or three dollars—so it wasn’t exactly a big-time ticket item for somebody to buy them. 

I started off going to this small town called Ozark, Missouri—where I grew up—a town of 1300 people. I went door to door and I made a couple of sales, but I didn’t do quite well. I thought, “This is not cutting it so I’m going to the farmers. I’m going out in the sticks where there’s people out there who—maybe they’ve got common sense and they’ll buy these magazines subscriptions from me.” 

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So I started going door to door. The first one—I just happened on it that the lady answered the door and I said “Hi, I’m Dennis Rainey. I’m Hook Rainey’s son.” “Oh, Hook Rainey’s son. Come on in. Have some cookies and milk. What have you got there? Subscriptions. Oh, we’d like two or three of those subscriptions, of course.” I thought, “Whoa, that was pretty good.” I went to the bank on my dad’s—on my dad’s brand out in the county—this Christian county believe it or not. 

I set a school record for most number of stuffed animals that I won—most subscriptions. It was a huge number because of my dad’s identity—Hook Rainey. By the way, they called him Hook because he had a wicked curve ball. It was the only thing wicked about him. Now, Bob, I know you’d say he’s still wicked but [Laughter] —anyway, Hook Rainey had a name that was as good as gold in the community—lived his whole life there.

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But I went to the bank on his identity because I was his son. 

Now here’s the deal as you raise your children. First of all—if you’ve trusted in Christ—you are a child of the King. You have royal blood in your veins—as a listener—if you know Christ. As you introduce your children to Jesus Christ and help them begin their spiritual walk with Him, they too can be a royal. They can be one of the members of the royal family—the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. This thing called spiritual identity—I think, Bob, is one of the most important components of help...

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Gender Identity

Guest:                         Dennis and Barbara Rainey                       

From the series:       The Art of Parenting: Identity (Day 3 of 3)

Bob: Men and women are created by God with equal value and equal worth but, as Barbara Rainey points out, there are some things women can do that men will never be able to do.

Barbara: Only women are designed by God to conceive and bear children and that sets them apart from men. They’re life-givers, but they’re also nurturers. Women are prone to nurturing life in other people or in other things. It’s not that men don’t do that—there are a lot of men who are pastors who nurture life in their congregation—but it’s a unique calling in a woman’s life to be made to give life and to nurture that life after it’s born. 

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Wednesday, January 30th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. As parents, we have to help our children understand that when God created them as either boys or girls, He had more than just biological function in mind. That’s controversial, but we’re going to talk about it today.

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Stay with us.

And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. 

If you were sitting down with a group of parents today and you were saying. “One of the issues you’re going to have to address as you raise your kids is the issue of their identity.” I think what we’re going to talk about today is where they would go immediately because, in our culture the issue of gender identity—sexual identity—that’s right at the heart of how we think about ourselves in this new century. 

Dennis: And you better know how to help your child address the issue—not after it happens—but before it happens. Barbara Rainey—my wife of 46 years—It’s been all great sweetheart—

Barbara: Really.

Dennis: Every year better than the previous one.

Barbara: Yes, they are getting better. 

Dennis: You hear that announced here on the radio, didn’t you? [Laughter] 

Barbara: Yes. 

Dennis: You wrote about it in your book, Letters to My Daughters. 

Barbara: I know I did. 

Dennis: I told you that you should have made me look better in there, but you didn’t.

Barbara: I didn’t. 

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Dennis: We’re talking about another new book we’ve written called The Art of Parenting. We’re covering one of the four major areas that the book is built around. We believe that parenting Biblically has four Biblical components: One—teaching your child how to relate to God and to one another. It’s the great commandment: Love God with all your heart and love your neighbor. 

Number two—the second component—is that of character. That’s choosing right and not wrong. It’s the book of Proverbs—living a wise life and not a foolish one.

Third area we’re talking about today and have been all this week so far, is the area of identity—and today we’re going to talk about sexual identity. 

The last component of parenting is one we’ll talk about here in a few weeks, which is teaching you child how to have a sense of mission and purpose—to be about what God has for him or her all their lives. 

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But I want to come back to this idea of sexual identity and I want to read a story by Jackie Hill Perry. She is a spoken word artist. 

Bob: She’s going to be a guest on FamilyLife Today coming up in a few weeks. 

Dennis: That’s right. She told a story that is a present tense story about her own struggle growing up around her own sexual identity. Rather than tell it, I want to read her words. 

She says, “I understand how it feels to be in love with a woman—to want nothing more that to be with her forever—feeling as if the universe has played a cruel joke on your heart by allowing you to fall into the hands of a creature that looks just like you.” She goes on, “At the age of seventeen I finally made the decision to pursue these desires. I enjoyed these relationships and loved these women a lot, and it came to the point that I was willing to forsake all, including my soul to enjoy their love on earth.”

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“At the age of 19, my superficial reality was shaken up by a deeper love, one from the outside—one that I’d heard of before, but never experienced. My eyes were opened and I began to believe everything God says in His Word. I began to believe that what He says about sin, death and hell were completely true.” She concludes with this, “God put this impression on my heart. He said, ‘Jackie, you have to believe that My Word is true even if it contradicts how you feel.’” 

“Wow!” she writes, “This is right. Either I trust in His Word or I trust my own feelings. Either I look to Him for the pleasure my soul craves or I search for it in lesser things. 

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Either I walk in obedience to what He says or I reject His truth as if it were a lie.” 

Bob, I think she nails it because I think we have a generation that is living life according to their feelings. They really don’t know what they believe and what they’re committed to from the Scriptures. This is why parents have to listen up. You all need to take your assignment about educating, training and equipping your sons and daughters to know how to navigate one of the most treacherous subjects they’re ever going to face on the planet—the issue of sexual identity. 

It all begins at birth. It’s not long thereafter, that’s when sex education begins. 

Bob: I’m thinking—back a generation ago—when we were talking about helping boys understand what it means to be a boy and girls understand what it means to be a girl. 

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Back decades ago, it was a very different conversation than the one parents are dealing with today. In part, Barbara, because there were some gender stereotyping going on back then that was not healthy—where we said, “This is how boys should act or think, and this is how girls should act and think.” 

We got a little too compartmentalized and a little too boxy and put some artificial, arbitrary markers around those things. But today, we are q...

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Thinking Biblically about Mission

Guests:                      Dennis and Barbara Rainey                       

From the series:       The Art of Parenting: Mission and Releasing (Day 1 of 2)

Bob: Dennis Rainey has a provocative, engaging question for parents to ask their children.

Dennis: “If you could do anything in the world and couldn’t fail, what would you do and why?” And then maybe toss this one out at the dinner table—it’s by A.W. Tozer—“God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible. What a pity we plan to do the things we can only do by ourselves.” Kids need to realize that if God is their God, they need to make their plans large.

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Thursday, February 21st. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. Are your children setting big goals? Do they have big dreams about how God might use them in the future? We’re going to talk today about how you stir that up in your child’s heart. Stay with us.

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And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We have spent a lot of time over the last six/seven months talking about parenting—actually, for the last year. I’m going all the way back to when our movie, Like Arrows, came out in theaters a year ago—

Dennis: That’s right.

Bob: —and then the video series for the Art of Parenting™ came out shortly after that. Your book, The Art of Parenting, was released in September. We’ve been talking about parenting quite a bit; and of course, this is something you’ve been studying and reflecting on for decades.

Dennis: This is a passion of both Barbara’s and mine; and by the way, she joins us again on FamilyLife Today. Welcome back.

Barbara: Thank you much; glad to be here.

Dennis: For a little while longer, at least, welcome back.

Barbara: A little while longer. [Laughter]

Bob: A little while longer—yes; we shared with listeners earlier this week about the change that is coming.

Dennis: That’s right! Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be stepping into our shoes, and they are going to become the hosts of FamilyLife Today. 

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We’ve been at this for almost 26-and-a-half years, not quite.

Bob: Yes.

Dennis: But we’ve had the privilege of doing over 6,000 broadcasts that listeners have paid attention to dutifully and have been listening to what we’ve said here. Hopefully, we have helped you in your most important relationships in life. It’s kind of fitting, Bob, I think, that Barbara and I are here talking about this final pillar of raising kids, which is giving your child a mission and releasing them. 

Something like FamilyLife Today can’t die with my hands or Barbara’s hands tightly gripped around the microphone saying: “No, no, no! You can’t have someone else lead this!” We’re all meant to pass it on—to pass the baton. We’re excited to be able to do that. Dave and Ann Wilson have been in ministry for a number of years, and I think our listeners are going to love them.

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I believe, for FamilyLife Today and FamilyLife®, the best is yet to be. Bob Lepine is still going to be at the microphone, so I’m excited. What about you, sweetheart?

Barbara: I am too. We’ve known Dave and Ann for years. We love their enthusiasm; we love their energy. They are both very biblically-anchored, and they will just do a fabulous job. In fact, I think they’ll do a better job, in many ways, than we did—

Dennis: I think you’re right.

Barbara: —because they’re just—they’re great people, and everybody’s going to love them.

Bob: We’ve heard from them already this week. We’re going to hear from them again next week. It is nice when you can make a handoff to friends and people who you admire and respect; and that’s the case with Dave and Ann.

Dennis: Kindred spirit friends. 

By the way, just a transition to today’s broadcast—because I want to get on with that—we’ve been talking, as you mentioned, Bob, for a number of months about the essence of raising children. We talked about how the Scriptures really break it down into four categories. 

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The first one is the Great Commandment, which is teaching your child how to have a relationship with God and with others. The second area of parenting is that of building character into your children—teaching them to be wise and not be a fool; teaching them right from wrong; how to choose what’s right; obey God—that’s what the Book of Proverbs is about. A little earlier this year, we talked about the third area, which is the issue of identity—emotional, spiritual, and sexual identity. The Bible speaks clearly to all of those areas.

This last one that we’re talking about today is really something that Barbara and I will probably fight one another for the microphone, because we both feel strongly about this; and that’s giving your child a sense of mission—helping them discover why God put them here, on the planet, in the first place. It’s really spoken of in one of my favorite verses that I’ve quoted many, many times, here, on FamilyLife Today—Ephesians, Chapter 2, verse 10: 

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“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Did you hear what Paul was saying there? He was saying we are God’s work of art. Your child is God’s work of art. He has prepared that child for an assignment that is unique to him.

In doing research for this book, we found out that, way back in the 18th century, there was a doctor who discovered fingerprints. He was the guy who discovered that each person has a unique fingerprint on every one of their fingers and thumbs. I think it’s a statement of how God has a unique assignment/a unique ability built into every child. What your assignment is, as a parent—listen to me—your assignment is, as a pair of parents, or as a single parent, or as a blended family—

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—you have to help your child discover who he or she is and cheer them on in the race of life, cheering them on to become all that God called them to be.

Bob: When we were working on the Art o...

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

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Releasing Your Children

Guests:                      Dennis and Barbara Rainey                       

From the series:       The Art of Parenting: Mission and Releasing (Day 2 of 2)

Bob: There is a moment that arrives in our parenting journey when things change/things transition; and as parents, we have to let our children go. Here’s Barbara Rainey. 

 Barbara: In the end, are any of our kids really ready to go, in our opinion?—probably not. There’s always more we could teach / always more that we wish we had said. Yet, at some point, we have to trust that God is bigger than our mistakes. He is able to catch them if they fall, and we need to let them go and let them learn on their own. 

Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, February 22nd. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I’m Bob Lepine. Are you ready, as moms and dads, to release your children?—and have you prepared them to do life on their own? We’ll talk more about that today with Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Stay with us. 

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And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. So, can we just say it right up front? We’re going to talk about the worst part of parenting today; don’t you think?—releasing?—that’s not the worst part of parenting? 

Dennis: Oh, no. [Laughter] Oh, no. I mean, it’s bittersweet—let’s all agree on this— 

Bob: Okay. 

 Dennis: —but there is life after children. 

Bob: Okay. 

 Dennis: Your marriage was built to outlast your kids. I’m going to tell you—it’s a bonus, Bob, when you can have a smile on your face and you can let your arrow fly. 

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Bob: Okay.

Dennis: You can weep with them and cry with them; huh? 

Bob: You’re right. 

Barbara: He’s nodding; he’s nodding. 

Bob: I’m rethinking my statement. I’m remembering changing diapers, and releasing was not that bad. [Laughter] I think sleeping through the night and releasing your child—there are some benefits to that. 

Dennis: Spoiling the grandkids—it’s wonderful. 

Barbara joins us again on FamilyLife Today. Welcome back, sweetheart, while we are still in the saddle, hosting FamilyLife Today. 

 Barbara: That’s right. 

Bob: That’s what we call the victory lap; okay? We’re in that—

Barbara: That’s right. 

Bob: —we’re in that.

Barbara: It is the victory lap. 

Bob: This is the last time around the track. 

Dennis: We get to peel out like Earnhardt does when he wins—[Laughter]

Barbara: Are you going to wave the checkered flag? 

Dennis: —burn the tires. I think I’m going to get out in the FamilyLife® parking lot—

Barbara: —and do donuts? [Laughter]

Dennis: —and have them take a video when we’re done here and just do a donut out there. I don’t know if I can do it, though. I don’t know if I’ve got a car that’s got that much power. 

Barbara: We don’t have a car that would do that. [Laughter]

Bob: We shared with listeners, earlier this week, that a transition is on the way. 

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On March 4th, we will have new hosts stepping in to FamilyLife Today. Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be serving as the new hosts, and you guys will—you’ll be back from time to time, I hope/I trust. 

Dennis: We will, and we will—we’re not riding off into the sunset to clip coupons and be retired. I’ve got to tell you—I just—I wish people would stop asking me: “Well, how’s retirement?!” 

Bob: Yes.

Barbara: —because we are not retired. 

Dennis: We’re not retired. [Laughter]

Bob: You’re as busy as you’ve ever been. 

Dennis: We are re-firing,—

Barbara: We are. 

Bob: Yes. 

Dennis: —and recalibrating, and resetting our goals to make the most of what God’s given us for the next decade. After that decade, the next one after that, if God gives the health, soundness of mind, and strength. 

 Bob: I know you guys have thought about this and talked about it, but part of the stage of life that you’re in is a stage where you model to the next generation what grace looks like as we get older. 

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We’re not disengaged. We still have use for the Kingdom; but life changes, and we have to adjust. 

Dennis: Well, just like what we’re going to be talking about, here, on the broadcast today. We believe—in our book, we talked about this—The Art of Parenting—we believe that children were meant to be received, raised, and then released. 

I think ministries are not unlike that. You help build them. Barbara and I have been here for over 42 years, and we’ve been building this ministry—helping it be effective in more than 100 countries around the world. It’s time for a younger leader, who is more relevant to the next generation, to take over and lead this to the next generation and to the next growth spurt over the next decade that’s ahead. 

Bob: David Robbins has been in that role for a year now. 

Dennis: That’s right—doing a great job. 

Bob: Then, with Dave and Ann Wilson stepping in to the broadcast, you guys will be—you’ll be free from the daily responsibilities of producing a radio program like this—

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—but not free from a Kingdom calling on your life. 

Dennis: That’s exactly right. 

Bob: Yes. 

Barbara: I just totally agree. In some ways, we’re more excited about the fut...