The Authentic Voice Podcast

Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/start-here-finding-your-authentic.

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Watch my book trailer here:

https://youtu.be/1s0MJYYL-y4

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Disclaimer: The content on this site is for educational, creative, and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified professional regarding your health. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please reach out to these confidential 24/7 resources:

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Transcript:

Welcome to The Authentic Voice, a space for women ready to own their strength, find their voice, and rewrite their stories. Today, we’re talking about how not setting boundaries almost always leads to resentment.

I left the dance floor, walked out the door, and vanished from her life forever.

I didn’t say goodbye. Didn’t leave a note. I simply walked to my car and left a decade-long friendship behind.

An hour earlier, I had been smiling, hugging the bride and groom, and sharing stories of how I’d introduced the happy couple.

Some may think that my actions that night were sudden. Impulsive. But really, the breakdown of that friendship had been happening for years.

In order to protect her privacy, I’ll call this friend Cathy. Cathy and I had been friends since junior high. Over the years, she had a habit of making these snarky, mean comments. At my thirteenth birthday sleepover, for example, in front of all of my other friends, she blurted out, “But your mom bought the cheap chips.” I remember being so embarrassed. I was angry at myself for not throwing the potato chip bag in the trash before people had arrived. Another time at school, she poked fun at my off-brand sneakers while sporting the latest name-brand ones on her own feet. She made these kinds of comments all the time.

I had always suspected that they stemmed from her own insecurities. I recognized this even at that young age. So, I did what I thought a good friend should do. I ignored it. I let it slide. I brushed the insults under the rug. Sometimes I pretended I hadn’t heard them.

And, I’ve carried that night like a badge of honor for many more. I believed that my choice to end the friendship was in my best interest. She wronged me, she humiliated me, and I had no choice but to cut her off. I deserved better. I felt that it was an act of acknowledging my own self-worth.

It took a long time to finally see the reality though. And it’s an uncomfortable one. The friendship didn’t die the night of the wedding. It died every single time I chose silence over honesty. She wasn’t the only one to blame. And it took me years to admit that.

Fast forward to our mid-twenties. She asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. I was genuinely thrilled for her and honored that she’d asked me. But as a poor college student, I was immediately worried about the cost of that role. Her mother was demanding, and insisted on an elaborate bridal shower that I was expected to host and pay for. The mom offered no financial help while demanding only the best for her daughter. So, I scrounged up every penny I had for the dress and the shower, determined to be a good friend.

Then came the wedding day.

Right after the ceremony, the entire bridal party and family was gathered outside the church steps. Cathy had instructed me the week prior on how to perform one of my bridesmaid “duties.” I was to help her gather the train of her gown around her waist with the small hooks so she could move freely for the rest of the day.

Just as I started gathering her train, she turned, snapped at me in front of everyone, “I want Allison to do it. This has to be right.”

I immediately felt tears welling in my eyes. Not only was I completely humiliated, but I also felt that every sacrifice, every effort I had made (both for the wedding and the entire friendship) went completely unappreciated.

I fought back the tears and said nothing. I simply smiled, and stuffed the hurt down one last time. I made it through the photos, the speeches, and the dinner. And then, I left.

For a long time, I imagined her sitting alone in the dark years later, thinking back on our friendship and knowing exactly why I left. I felt justified.

But with age comes clarity.

Because I am a naturally thoughtful and empathetic person, I had always assumed she must have known what she was doing. I believed that she knew her jabs were cruel, and that they were meant to be hurtful.

But what if she didn’t know? What if her brain simply didn’t work that way? What if she never realized her how her comments made others feel?

By choosing peace in all those small moments, I practically guaranteed the ending the ruin of that friendship. By keeping quiet in junior high, then high school, and adulthood, I never let her know how I expected to be treated. I expected her to read my mind.

We often talk about cutting off toxic people as an act of self-care. But there’s a difference between someone who actively hurts you after you’ve set a boundary, and someone who breaks a boundary you never had the courage to set in the first place.

And, not setting boundaries almost always leads to resentment.

I still feel sad when I think about the loss of that friendship. I wonder if things could have been different. Would she have listened if I had shared my feelings at thirteen, or seventeen, or twenty-three? Would she have apologized?

Maybe not, and the relationship would have ended anyway. Or maybe it would have opened the door to a deeper, truer friendship.

Unspoken hurt doesn’t disappear; it just sits in the dark and builds. Giving someone the chance to know how they’ve hurt you is giving the relationship its only real chance to survive.

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to stop holding onto resentment for boundaries you never set.

* On the Author Front: I’ve been making great progress on the edits for Book 2. I’m right on track for my planned launch of Where Two Rivers Meet for late January 2027. I can’t wait to share more details with you!

* On the Home Front: My mom gave me the engagement ring that had belonged to my great-grandmother. She would have started wearing this in 1899, so it’s really amazing to be wearing such an important family heirloom.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/start-here-finding-your-authentic.

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Disclaimer: The content on this site is for educational, creative, and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. Always consult a qualified professional regarding your health. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please reach out to these confidential 24/7 resources:

Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

Transcript:

I learned about emotional maturity, the day I got kicked out of the DMV.

I had just moved from Rhode Island to Connecticut and was at the registry, trying to get my license and car registration switched over.

“You need to leave right now, or I’m going to have security escort you out.”

I stood there, in total disbelief. “You mean, you’re not going to help me?”

“You need to leave. Right now.”

I was in shock. I was holding back tears, and I blurted out the worst possible thing you could ever say in a government building:

“This is why people threaten to blow up state buildings like this.”

This is something you should never say out loud.

Just then, the security guard was approaching me, and I hightailed it out to my car. That was when I completely lost it. I’m talking hysterical sobbing, snot running down my face, and uncontrollable hyperventilating.

Now, if you know me, you know how utterly ridiculous this whole scene was. I’m barely five feet tall. In high school, I was the straight-A student who never even got detention. To say this whole episode was out of character, is an understatement.

Yet here I was. I hadn’t even been a resident of the state for a month yet, and I was already being kicked out of a government office.

I’ve really thought about this incident many times over the years. It was so surreal. And, as I think about it now, it was probably my first real lesson in emotional maturity.

Over the years, I asked myself how I could have allowed myself to blow up like I did simply from being told that I needed more paperwork. What I understand now is that my meltdown really started hours before that incident.

When I drove an hour to the DMV that morning, waited forever, and got turned away for a missing tax form, I calmly accepted it. I was disappointed, but remained polite. I drove an hour back home, grabbed the paper, and drove another hour straight back.

When a second worker informed me that I needed another document, I began to get frustrated. I couldn’t understand why they hadn’t told me everything that I was missing all at once. So, I took a deep breath, and frantically called my husband so he could dig through the pile of moving boxes in the living room to find what I needed.

By the time I was at the counter for a fourth time that day, I had been “nice” for five straight hours. I had been biting my tongue all day. And that was my mistake.

When I used to think of emotional maturity, I thought of someone who never lost control. Someone who bit their tongue, and wasn’t overly emotional or impulsive. I convinced myself that remaining calm, and playing “nice” meant that I was handling things like an adult. But I’ve since learned that stuffing your feelings down doesn’t make them go away. It just causes the heat to rise on that boiling pan of water.

I was pretending that I was okay and let the pressure build to the point where I blew a fuse. Real maturity is noticing the pressure building before you blow the fuse.

When that second worker turned me away, I should’ve just called it a day. I should have noticed my frustration rising and the tears welling up in my eyes as my signal to walk away. Real maturity is having the awareness to say, “I am way too upset to handle this right now.” It’s not worth the risk of letting yourself lose control.

Instead, I tried to power through it. If I just drive faster, try harder, and find one more box, I can make this work. I genuinely thought sheer willpower could force the situation to go my way. I refused to admit that I was overwhelmed and allow myself to just finish it another day. When the guy behind the counter on the fourth trip told me I needed yet another form, I exploded. “Are you f-ing kidding me? Why didn’t the last woman tell me that I needed that? I’ve been here four times today!”

My husband gets a big kick out of sharing this story. (It’s made for fun dinner parties over the years.) I, on the other hand, was mortified.

Today, I can laugh at how completely ridiculous the whole thing was. I can look back at my younger self and cut her some slack because she was just trying to get things done. I’m really not that different now. I still find myself annoyed by things that don’t make sense to me (like the ridiculousness of the DMV), but I have gotten much better at checking in with myself. If I feel that internal pressure rising, I’m better at saying that I’ve had enough for today. And, I realize that emotional maturity is an ongoing process, rather than a point we finally arrive at.

If I could go back, I’d have tried to separate the emotional frustration with the concrete side of the situation. If I hadn’t let my emotions take over, I would have had the foresight to simply ask them to review everything that I had and provide a complete list of everything that I was missing. But, as with many things in life, there’s no going backwards. Just moving forward, one DMV trip at a time.

Have you ever had a “DMV moment” of your own? A time you tried so hard to be patient that you eventually blew a fuse over the final straw? Drop your story in the comments—I’d love to read it!

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to admit you are furious, overwhelmed, or simply done for the day.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/start-here-finding-your-authentic.

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

We tend to think of joy as something spontaneous. Something that happens as a reaction to something good. Getting a raise at work, or finding the perfect parking spot at a busy event. We can actually create joy though, which may surprise you.

Cultivating joy is not about faking it. We’ve all known those people that seem to have that Pollyanna view on everything. And, I don’t know about you, but those people can really be annoying some days. Cultivating joy is different. It’s about training your brain to notice the little bits of brightness in your day. You know what I mean. The cashier that took the time to separate the blueberries from the bleach. The teenager who held the door for you even though you were a good 10 feet away. The adorable bunny you noticed munching on some weeds in the yard this morning. Cultivating joy is teaching yourself to notice those things.

The truth is, good things are happening all around us. Now, if you let the news guide your outlook, you may not immediately agree with this. But, if you take the time to stop and really notice all of the beautiful people and things around you, it’s hard not to feel joy.

Many people find that keeping a gratitude journal helps with this practice. I’ve gotten out of the formal practice, but I did this for years. Each evening, I would jot down 5 things I was grateful for. Some days it was the genuine compliment I received. Other days it was the sunny weather. It may have been the perfect cup of coffee that got me started that day. After training myself to do this for years, it became a habit. Now, I still find myself noticing all of those little things that bring me moments of joy during my day.

I’ve even done this at work. When I worked in a particularly challenging job a few years ago, I kept a list of all the good things that happened during my workday. It’s easy to spot the negative things. Those things seem to pop up without even thinking about it. But, with practice, you can teach yourself to notice all of those happy, beautiful moments too.

Think about how this shows up in your life. Do you find yourself rushing through your days consumed by checking items off a list? Maybe it’s time to build some new habits. Notice the sun beginning to set on your ride home. Notice the joy as you hear about your child’s day at school. Savor the taste of your dinner. Appreciate the comfort of the cool sheets on your skin as you settle into bed. Those small points of focus can completely shift how you experience joy. Joy doesn’t have to involve winning the lottery. There’s already joy in your life- you’re just not taking the time to notice it.

This month, give yourself permission to look for the light where you are. You don’t have to wait for a perfect day to experience true joy.

And, if you want to become the author of your own life, head over to my Substack to join our community and get your own free eBook. All subscribers receive a link to my eBook, The Author of My Own Life, which contains 365 journal prompts to guide you through a year-long journey of self-discovery and intention.

On the Author Front: I’ve realized that creating characters with everyday mental health struggles can be very tricky. I want to do the topic justice but I don’t want to make it seem like a basic plot point either. I find that I really have to get into my characters heads to find that balance. I’m working on a character right now, who has symptoms of what appear to be post-partum depression. Very tricky, but it’s been so much fun to see my characters come to life.

On the Home Front: I’ve been enjoying this amazing face and body cream I found on Amazon. It’s called Whipped Tallow Balm, by Hearth & Homestead. It’s handmade from 100% grass fed beef tallow right from a farm in Virginia. It smells amazing and is making my dry skin so soft. You’ll find this item in my Mindful Habits & Calming Essentials list. Check it out by clicking the Curated Lists button below.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/start-here-finding-your-authentic.

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

I almost apologized to a trash can on Tuesday.

Friday, someone bumped into me while they were looking at their phone. I hadn’t even realized what happened before two words came out of my mouth: “I’m sorry.”

I hadn’t moved. I hadn’t caused the collision. But I was the one apologizing anyway.

If you’ve ever caught yourself apologizing for someone else’s bad mood, you know this reflex.

It’s survival, plain and simple. Grow up around unpredictable people, or live around them long enough, and your nervous system starts treating tension like danger. Apologizing turns into a shield. Say sorry first, and maybe the other person calms down before things escalate. Taking the blame feels safer than waiting to see how they’ll react.

My main character Emma is stuck in this exact loop in my novel, Dance of the Firefly.

She’s facing an unplanned pregnancy with her fiancé, Scott. She knows, logically, that it took two people. But the second she feels his distress, her survival brain takes over.

Here’s what happens right after she walks out to the car:

I walked outside to find Scott waiting in the car, engine running. He was staring straight ahead, hands gripping the steering wheel. I slid into the passenger seat, the vinyl cold against my legs…

“So,” I began tentatively.

“Yeah, I know.” A heavy sigh.

His voice was flat. Defeated. He still wouldn’t look at me. When he finally glanced my way, I saw distress in his eyes…

“I’m sorry, Scott,” I murmured.

The apology was automatic. She knew it wasn’t just her fault. It took two people. But something in her still needed to shoulder the blame, to smooth things over.

It’s the pattern you read about in a psychology textbook: the person on the receiving end apologizing to the person causing harm, managing his emotions so the next blowup doesn’t come. Emma studies psychology. She can name exactly what she’s doing while she’s doing it.

Knowing the mechanism doesn’t shut it off.

You’ve probably lived a version of this yourself. A barista hands you the wrong drink and you hear yourself say, “I’m so sorry to bother you, but...” before you even ask for what you paid for. A coworker takes three days to answer your email, and your follow-up opens with “So sorry to nag!” Someone steps into the elevator and brushes your arm, and “Oh, sorry!” is out of your mouth before you’ve decided to say anything at all.

This is your brain’s attempt to manage someone else’s mood. And someone else’s mood was never yours to manage.

Next time you feel “I’m sorry” rising in your throat, pause for a second. Ask yourself if you actually did something wrong, or if you’re just trying to keep the peace.

You don’t have to carry weight that was never yours.

If Emma’s story sounds familiar, you can follow the rest of her journey in my debut novel, Dance of the Firefly.

Has your nervous system ever done this to you? Reply to this email or leave a comment. I read every single one.

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to let other people manage their own moods.

You can find a digital copy of that ticket and all the links in the show notes.

* On the Author Front: I love creating stories. I fall in love with my characters and feel like I know them in real life. But, as much as I love that part, I’ve realized I don’t like editing. It feels slow and tedious and I really just want to get to the end, so I can move on to the next story. But, I’ve also realized that it’s an important part of the process. So, this week’s update is that I’ve been deep in the weeds of more edits. I’ve got about 5 months until Where Two Rivers Meet is scheduled to launch. So, just hoping I can get it done in time!

* On the Home Front: I have a funny story to share. I was sipping my morning coffee a few days ago, and I noticed that Owen, my Boston Terrier, had wedged himself under a bureau and was frantically trying to reach something. It turns out that a small piece of kibble had gotten under the furniture. It dawned on me too late that it would have made a great picture. So, yes, the image you see was a recreation. I deliberately tossed a small piece of chicken under the bureau to get the pic! Okay, I know that many of you dog moms will be able to relate- we’ll go to great lengths to get the pic! hahaha.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

If today's episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to subscribe and share it with a woman in your life who is finding her own voice. For more deep dives and to join our community, head over to my Substack, The Authentic Voice.

https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/8fee6452-b6d3-4c53-8bdd-b21afe701f1d

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

I had a particularly tense meeting at work the other morning, and I realized several hours later, that I was still thinking about it. I kept replaying the conversation in my mind, obsessively looking for some hidden meaning in the words.

Have you ever wondered why we do this? We let one difficult conversation, or unpleasant exchange ruin our entire day. Psychologists call this negativity bias.

We allow the conversation to loop in our heads, and get angry at ourselves as we think of the perfect comebacks that we never said. This was probably helpful in the caveman days (survival instincts and all that.) But, today, it’s just a recipe for anxiety and the occasional panic attack. We need to let our brain know that we’re not facing down a hungry bear.

Think back to the last time this happened to you. Maybe you had a productive morning at work, and was able to solve a complex issue that you’d been working on. Then your boss comes along and points out something you missed in the report you just delivered. Instead of celebrating the issue you solved, you spend your lunch hour criticizing yourself for the mistake you made on the report. The four hours of productive work simply vanished behind the shadow of that single misstep.

Or think about the last time your spouse snapped at you about something. You were having a perfectly fine day until that moment. Instead of brushing it off, you let the comment hijack the rest of your evening. Instead of enjoying that book on your nightstand, you’re mentally rehearsing all of the defensive replies you should have said.

It can be difficult to stop the emotional spillover that happens after an argument. To be successful, we need to refocus our nervous system. Think of it like turning off a circuit breaker. Some people find it helpful to have a ritual they complete to refocus their attention. One effective way is to literally change your environment. Step away from your desk, go into another room, or take a walk outside. Temperature changes can help this too. Splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or hop in the shower if need be. Spending time outside (especially in nature) can be very helpful for some people. The goal is to give your sensory receptors new data so the brain stops cycling through the threat loop.

Another approach (that I personally love) is to do a brain dump. Write down everything that upset you and then close the notebook. You might even choose to actually tear it up and throw it away. These things may seem silly, but they can be powerful signals to your brain to stop the endless loop. It’s not worth letting one conversation ruin an entire day.

So the next time you find yourself replaying that conversation in your mind, recognize what’s happening and then choose to refocus. The more you can practice this, the better equipped you’ll be to take those conversations in stride.

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to let go of the upsetting conversation and enjoy the rest of your day.

You can find a digital copy of that ticket and all the links in the show notes.

* On the Author Front: I’ve been working on edits for Where Two Rivers Meet, sharpening Sara’s character arc. She’s a new mother whose faith gets challenged by her husband’s drinking. She’s been such a fun character to create because she begins the story as very timid, but ends up learning that her strength is deep.

* On the Home Front: I have a confession to make: up until this week, my car was still acting as a storage unit for all the stuff that was leftover from the book fair I attended in July! But, the good news is, that I discovered I have a handful of extra copies, so we’re gonna have some fun! Over the next few weeks, I’m going to put together a couple of giveaways where a couple of lucky subscribers can win a signed copy of Dance of the Firefly. I will announce the details for how to enter in an upcoming post. So, be sure to keep an eye out for that.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Grief doesn't come with an instruction manual, and society often pushes us to move on before we're ready. In this week's post, I'm sharing what losing my sister taught me about the difference between well-meaning platitudes and actual, low-burden support. Read the full post and view the permission slip here:

https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/eba5bd7d-5ac8-45dd-92f0-cce88a0ab19b

Transcript:

I recently came across a discussion online that really got me thinking. A man shared that people close to him felt he was taking long to get over his grief. He didn’t go into detail, but he seemed hurt by it. And it reminded me of when I lost my sister several years ago.

My sister, Penny, died unexpectedly about four years ago. She was only 52 and I was devastated. My friends did their best to comfort me, but it was obvious people felt awkward and really didn’t know what to say.

I heard things like, “At least it was quick.” Or, “Well, you guys weren’t really that close anyway, right?” Not kidding!

It made me realize that people just don’t know how to handle grief. It’s not something we’re ever really taught. We just learn from our own experiences, and these are often not good.

There also seems to be an expectation that we grieve for an “acceptable” amount of time, and then move on. Just before my 21st birthday, my fiancé passed away. About 6 months later, I was hanging out with a friend, and she commented that I was still wearing my engagement ring. That ring felt like all I had left, and I wasn’t ready to take it off. But, looking back, the ring probably made her feel uncomfortable. She was ready to move on and go back to being carefree girls in our 20s.

I think, as a society, we can do better. We just need to be willing to be a little uncomfortable.

Think about these two different scenarios.

For the first one, imagine a friend who recently lost her mother after an illness. A visitor drops off flowers and says, “At least she isn’t in pain anymore.” This may seem fine on the surface, but it’s really not helpful. The daughter likely feels devastated and isn’t in a place to feel gratitude. The visitor walks away feeling like they offered comfort. The grieving friend is left feeling alone.

Now imagine a scenario where a different neighbor drops by a week after the funeral. Instead of asking “How are you holding up?” they text from the driveway: “I’m dropping off two freezer meals and taking your trash cans to the curb. You don’t need to come to the door or entertain me.”

That simple action acknowledges the reality of the struggle without placing a burden on the griever. It replaces platitudes with actual support. Offer to do a couple loads of laundry, bring ready-made meals, or take their dog for a walk. Sit and hold their hand while they cry. These simple things will help more than you ever know.

* On the Author Front: I’ve been working on something very exciting: I’m creating a book trailer for my debut novel, Dance of the Firefly. I had paid to have one made previously, but it felt a bit generic. And, since I’ve been developing my video editing skills, I felt that I was ready to take on the challenge of updating it. Can’t wait to share it all with you. It’s so exciting to see my story come to life!

* On the Home Front: I had the nicest visit with with my younger sister and her fiancé this past weekend. They live almost 7 hours away from me, so I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like. We attended one of the remaining summer festivals of the year and enjoyed live music, great food, and wonderful weather. Now, if I could just convince them to move a bit closer!

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

If you want to become the author of your own life, subscribe to join our community and get your own free eBook. All subscribers receive a link to my eBook, The Author of My Own Life, which contains 365 journal prompts to guide you through a year-long journey of self-discovery and intention. Start your journey today!

Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/f8ceabd4-be96-48da-a230-a6bdf1f991ab

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

This is month 9 of our year-long journey, The Author of My Own Life Project.

We’re doing a deep dive of twelve monthly themes to reflect and find our own authentic voices, one month at a time. Today’s reflection is about learning to honor personal boundaries.

A co-worker asked me for a favor recently, and I found myself resenting it. Have you ever experienced this? I agreed to something I didn’t want to do, and then felt annoyed. But really, it wasn’t my co-worker I was upset with. It was me. I immediately recognized that I had fallen into my pattern of people pleasing again. This is where trying to be a nice person gets in the way of my own peace of mind.

Many of us carry around rules in our heads. We feel compelled to do the favor, attend the get-together or offer help, even we don’t want to because we don’t want to seem selfish. We want to be seen as helpful and kind. Especially at work. We want to be a “team player.” But when we live by everyone else’s expectations, our own needs get pushed so far down the list that they disappear.

If you want to begin setting more personal boundaries, it starts by recognizing where you’re giving away your energy just to keep the peace. Think about how this plays out in real life:

Let’s say it’s a Friday night and a friend asks if you can help them move the following day. You’ve had a long week and your brain is fried. Your body is begging for quiet time on the couch. Instead of being honest, you say, “Of course, I’d love to help.” And, the entire next day, you plaster a smile on your face and force yourself to go through the motions. And this is okay every now and then. But, if you find yourself doing this all the time, that’s when it’s a problem. If you never prioritize your own needs, you not only burn yourself out, you may even become a welcome mat for others.

Let’s think about another example. It’s a Thursday afternoon at the office. You’re in your cubicle, and a coworker drops a project on your desk that is their responsibility. Your own to-do list is already overflowing, and your head is throbbing. But you feel like you can’t say no. So you slap on that fake smile and nod your head, all the while chastising yourself. You wonder how you managed to get suckered into something you didn’t want to agree to yet again.

Those two scenarios are classic signs of people-pleasing in action. When we treat other people’s comfort as top priority our own well-being becomes optional.

Sometimes people worry that they’ll come across as selfish or lazy. But it’s really more about deciding that your mental peace matters too. You can care about other people without neglecting yourself in the process.

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to protect your energy and put yourself first sometimes.

You can find a digital copy of that ticket and all the links in the show notes.

And, if you want to become the author of your own life, head over to my Substack to join our community and get your own free eBook. All subscribers receive a link to my eBook, The Author of My Own Life, which contains 365 journal prompts to guide you through a year-long journey of self-discovery and intention. Start your journey today!

* On the Author Front: This week I’ve been doing a focused review of the character John, in my manuscript for Where Two Rivers Meet. John struggles with alcohol, so I’ve been spending time going deeper into his internal world and making sure his journey feels raw and authentic rather than just a plot point. It has been heavy work, but polishing those nuanced emotional beats is what makes his arc truly resonate.

* On the Home Front: My husband was cleaning out some boxes in the basement the other day and stumbled across something that instantly brought a smile to my face. He found Brown Baby, the teddy bear my maternal grandmother gave me when I was just two years old. As I think back, it’s a miracle that Brown Baby even survived all these years. He endured some questionable toddler haircuts, a few accidental bathroom incidents, and even a surgery I performed where I cut a hole in his mouth so I could feed him. To this day, I still have no idea how my mom managed to clean all that real food out of his stuffing over the years! Seeing that funny looking bear with the big head still brings me so much comfort.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Today we're talking about how to accept feedback at work without taking it personally.

Book link: https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Newsletter: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/about

I’ve been feeling like a complete moron at work lately.

Okay, that was a bit rough, but I wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

So, I was complaining to my friend Beth about all the changes our company has been implementing. New computer systems, documentation standards, faster turn-around times and changes to how we do our jobs. It seems like no sooner did we learn the new system, then they change something else. And as ladies in our fifties, it can be challenging to keep up. It feels like we’re always behind. As we shared in our frustration, I realized why it was so upsetting.

At this point in my career, I’ve come to expect a certain feeling of competence. I’ve been in my field for almost 30 years. I’ve worked for multiple companies across a variety of settings. Bottom line: I’m not new at this. And, that level of competence has definitely contributed to my self-confidence.

I mean, I like to be challenged, just not overwhelmed.

And, in a world where we’re expected to do everything fast, it doesn’t allow for room to learn. This has gotten even worse with the introduction of AI. We watch YouTube videos that make everything look easy. We scroll through the gorgeous outcomes of Instagram. We expect ourselves to master the new tool or workflow right out of the gate. It’s an impossible standard.

If you’ve been feeling something similar, I want you to notice the thoughts running through your head. It usually sounds something like this: “I just can’t figure this out. Why am I so bad at this? I just can’t keep up with everyone else.”

In other words, you’re being overly critical. You expect yourself to just “get it” and perform at the same level as other parts of your job. I want to challenge that thinking.

Instead of calling yourself a moron, let’s look at what’s actually happening. You used to be comfortable doing what you knew. And, now, you’re learning a whole new set of skills. This discomfort is the feeling of your brain building new neural pathways.

This discomfort doesn’t define you or your ability to learn new things.

Separating your identity from your current output gives you room to breathe. It allows you the chance to experiment and make mistakes as you learn. This is what actual growth requires. One of the hardest parts of learning something new is receiving feedback. When you’ve tied your self-worth to being good at what you do, constructive criticism or feels like an evaluation of your value as a person. To survive the learning curve, you have to change how you hear this feedback.

You may have been thinking, They found a mistake which means I failed. My work isn’t good enough. And, that means I’m not good enough.

Let’s change that lens. This feedback is data about where I am in the process. I need to adjust the process. Its not a report card on my character. I haven’t failed.

Remind yourself that feedback is just information. It tells you what to tweak or what to refine. It’s not a sign that you’re failing and it doesn’t define your worth.

Before we go, I want to leave you with this week's Permission Slip:

Permission to be clumsy while you learn.

You can find a digital copy of that ticket and all the links in the show notes.

* On the Author Front: I’ve been putting together my first mini-course about learning how to say no. I’m super excited with how this is coming along and I can’t wait to share more details soon.

* On the Home Front: I’m kinda bummed that summer is almost over, so I’ve decided that I’m going to try to embrace the colder seasons this year. Instead of brooding about having to put away the flip-flops, I’m going to spend some time creating a cozy retreat inside. So, I’ve been having fun scrolling on Pinterest and imagining snowy landscapes, soft throws and yummy mugs of cocoa. Nothing like a toasty fire to wrap up summer, right?

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

Have you ever felt like a scared little girl is still running the show inside of you? The one who lacks confidence, worries she’s alone, or feels the gap between where she is and where she wants to be is just too wide?

Links: Subscribe to The Authentic Voice Substack: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/about Check out my Women's Fiction Books: https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly Check out my website: https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

Today, we’re talking about breaking the cycle of your past even if you’re afraid.

This is a message for every woman who still has a little girl inside her. The girl who is not very brave, feels alone, and worries that she doesn’t have anyone in her corner.

If you are one of my regular readers, you know that my goal is to help you feel better about yourself, believe in your abilities and to help you see that you are stronger than you think are. I try to be warm and professional in my writing., yet I don’t often share things about my own life. But, a friend recently convinced me that sharing a bit more about my own story, might help others too.

So today I’m being brave. I want to tell you a little more about who I am and why I write. I hope you find strength from my words.

I grew up in a small textile town in Rhode Island. It was one of the poorest towns in the state. A lot of people were out of work and struggling to get by. My family was one of those families. Before my stepfather came into our lives, we lived on welfare. My real father was mentally ill and couldn’t even read or write is own name. My mother hadn’t finished high school either, but she did everything she could to keep us safe and fed with what little we had.

There were a lot of problems with mental health in my family, which made my childhood difficult. I believer it’s what ultimately led me to become a social worker. Things got a little better financially when my real father died and my stepfather, who was an electrician, joined our family. Although he was a severe alcoholic, which made our life difficult in a different way.

About half-way through my senior year of high school, I was forced to move out on my own. I was terrified. I now understand that this was a results of my step-father’s mental health struggles, but I felt abandoned. It’s a memory that still haunts me to this day.

I don’t share any of this to get sympathy or to judge my family. Especially my mother, who did an incredible job given the awful circumstances she was handed. I share it because it would have been so easy to stay trapped in that cycle of poverty, addiction and mental illness. Somehow a tiny spark survived inside me. A quiet voice told me I wanted more for my life and that I was capable of building it.

Instead of staying stuck, I allowed that spark to grow. I went on to not only graduate from high school while living on my own, but then to go on to college and graduate school. I became a social worker and, more recently, a published author. I am grateful and proud that I nurtured that spark all those years.

And, I want that same spark to light up in you.

I know there might still be a little girl inside you who feels the gap between the life you have and the life you want is just too wide. But you are stronger than you realize. And, you deserve a life that belongs fully to you.

Stop making yourself small because it’s what others expect.

Stop living to satisfy everyone else.

Stop believing that where you started is far as you can go.

Will changing your path be easy? Not at all. But, you can do it anyway. To that little girl, inside you: do it afraid. Do it now. Do it for her.

Thank you for letting me share a bit more of my story with you today.

If these words resonated with you, please consider sharing this post with a friend, a sister, or any woman in your life who needs a gentle nudge to stop staying small. Let’s help each other do it afraid.

If you’re new here, subscribe to The Authentic Voice for weekly encouragement, journaling prompts, and reminders to help you step into your strength.

* On the Author Front: Behind the scenes, I’ve been quietly building something new for you. I’ve had several people mention to me that they love the ideas in my post, but that they struggle to put some of the ideas into practice. So, that led me to something very exciting that I’ve been working on: a brand-new series of mini-courses called Beyond the Blog. These will be short, interactive lessons that you can complete in as little as an afternoon. My goal is to help you incorporate real skills into your life immediately. I can’t wait to share more details with you soon. Stay tuned!

* On the Home Front: On a personal note, I got to see a close friend who lives 9 hours away from me. We spent hours laughing, catching up on life, reminiscing over old memories, and lingering over a fabulous Middle Eastern meal. It was such a great reminder that old friends are some of the most precious.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.

The Authentic Voice: Today we’re talking about how to find your authentic self.Get the Permission Slip: This week’s printable keepsake, subscribe to the Authentic Voice, and get the free 365-day 'Author of Your Own Life' journal prompt eBook are available at: https://melissaannpalmer.substack.com/p/49e6c9af-fb9c-4cee-8965-70a4e2b9db09

Grab my book here:

https://books2read.com/Danceofthefirefly

Check out my website here:

https://melissaannpalmer.com/

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Melissa and I’d like to welcome you to The Authentic Voice, a space for women ready to own their strength, find their voice, and rewrite their stories. Today, we’re talking about practical strategies to dropping those “shoulds,” setting gentle boundaries, and finally learning to live life on your terms.

Have you ever caught yourself saying “yes” to something, only to instantly feel a knot tighten in your stomach? Or found yourself sitting in a room full of people, agreeing with an opinion you don’t actually hold, just to keep the peace?

We’ve all been there. Somewhere between growing up, trying to fit in, and managing everyday life, it’s remarkably easy to quiet our true selves just to avoid making waves. But living on autopilot eventually wears us down.

If you’ve been feeling a little disconnected from who you actually are, you don’t need a total life overhaul. Sometimes, finding your authentic self just comes down to paying attention to a few key signals. Here are three steps to help you tune back in.

1. Notice Your Triggers

When we live out of alignment with who we are, our minds and bodies usually try to warn us. Pay attention to feelings like sudden anger, simmering resentment, or that deep, bone-tired exhaustion that sleep doesn’t seem to fix.

More often than not, those emotions pop up when we’re forcing ourselves to fit into a mold that was never built for us.

Take a moment to look at your day-to-day life. Then ask yourself: When do you feel your absolute best? Who are you with? What are you doing? Where are you? When do you feel drained or uncomfortable? Which environments or social expectations leave you feeling depleted?

For the longest time, I completely ignored these signals in my own life. Back in my late teens and early twenties, my friends were constantly inviting me to join in on things like recreational volleyball games. Here’s the truth: I am the exact opposite of athletic. Every single time I played, I felt awkward, clumsy, and miserable. It made me feel like an outsider, like I just didn’t fit in with everyone else.

It wasn’t until my early thirties that the lightbulb finally went off: I just don’t enjoy athletic things. And more importantly? That’s perfectly okay. I’m much more of a bookworm, and owning that cleared away so much unnecessary self-doubt. These days, if a friend asks me to be their tennis partner, I kindly decline—and offer to cheer them on from the sidelines with a cold drink in hand instead.

Living authentically doesn’t mean changing who you are to like what everyone else likes; it means giving yourself permission to like what you like.

2. Pinpoint What Truly Matters to You

Once you start noticing where the friction is, turn your attention to your core values. What actually matters to you at this stage of your life? Is it quiet reflection, deep one-on-one connections, creativity, flexibility, or stability?

Once you name those core values, hold them up like a mirror to your current routine. Ask yourself: What parts of your life are in alignment? (The activities, habits, and relationships that feel effortless and nourishing.) What parts are out of alignment? (The obligations you drag yourself to, or the roles you’re playing just to keep up appearances.)

When you see the gaps between what you value and how you’re living, you don’t have to fix everything overnight. Just acknowledging the mismatch is the first step toward bringing things back into balance.

3. Be More Honest

Radical authenticity requires honesty—and for a long time, I was terrified of what that meant.

For most of my life, I was a chronic people-pleaser. I never wanted to make waves, so I’d frequently agree with people just because it seemed easier, nicer, and safer. But over time, I realized that nod-and-agree habit meant I wasn’t being honest with others—or with myself. And frankly, it didn’t feel good.

Early in our relationship, my husband gently pointed this out to me. At first, I was worried that speaking my mind would come off as mean or disagreeable. But as I took small, brave steps toward sharing my true thoughts, I realized something wonderful: you can disagree with someone in a polite, considerate way.

Now, instead of biting my tongue, I’ll often say, “Actually, I see it a little differently...”

That tiny phrase completely changes the room. It stops a surface-level exchange in its tracks and opens the door for a genuine, meaningful conversation.

It took me years to truly understand this, but relationships can never grow past the superficial mark if we don’t bring our authentic selves to the table. Sure, not everyone will agree with you. Some people might not even like your honest perspective. And that’s okay. I’ve reached a point in my life where I would far rather have a few deeply authentic, genuine friendships than a crowded room full of superficial ones.

Start small in your own life. Be honest with yourself. Admit to yourself what you actually like, dislike, need, and want, without judgment. And then be honest with others. Practice expressing your genuine thoughts, or setting gentle, clear boundaries. “No, thank you” is a complete sentence, but even a soft, honest perspective honors both you and the connection.

When you stop pretending to be a version of yourself that doesn’t exist, you free up an immense amount of energy to nurture the person who does.

Finding your authentic self isn’t a destination you arrive at once and for all—it’s an ongoing conversation with yourself.

This week, pick just one area where you feel a bit of friction or where you’ve been holding back your true opinion. Ask yourself: Am I doing or saying this because it honors who I am, or am I just trying to fit in? You might be surprised by how much lighter you feel the moment you.

I’m Melissa Ann Palmer, and remember: your voice is the most authentic thing you own. I’ll see you next time.