Summary

This episode is all about how I get obsessed with where my packages are and when they will arrive and how I watch the flight trackers on airplanes and how none of that tells me how large the world is and so I start to think it is small. Small enough that I am the only one who will fit. It is about how we should at least acknowledge that there is distance and danger and, perhaps, other people, too.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

Summary

A chance encounter at a pizza place led me on a journey to understand why it made me so happy. Through conversations with three childhood friends - Tony, Marc, and Andy - I discover something profound about how authentic relationships actually form. This isn’t just nostalgia; it’s an investigation into what made these friendships different and why they’ve lasted over 30 years.

The answer challenges everything we think we know about building trust and community: these relationships weren’t formed through careful trust-building, but through accidental vulnerability - being goofy and open before they knew it was dangerous.

Timestamps

(00:00) - Pizza Encounter

(02:17) - Sharing Stories of Non-Betrayal

(05:20) - More Stories of Kids Being Kids

(07:57) - Musical Insights

(10:23) - Writing Songs Naked

(11:55) - Accidental Vulnerability

(13:50) - What does Community Mean Now? Andy

(15:39) - What does Community Mean Now? Marc

(16:53) - What does Community Mean Now? Tony

(18:32) - The Magic of Getting Lost in Chicago

(20:18) - Thank Yous and End Matters

Key Themes

Accidental Vulnerability: How being vulnerable before knowing it’s risky can create deeper trust than calculated relationship-building

Childhood Innocence: The advantage of acting without self-consciousness and how “being dumb enough to not know you couldn’t” enables authentic connection

Safety and Trust: Why absolute trust (“no backstabbing to worry about”) was the foundation that allowed for complete vulnerability

Kids Being Kids: How physical playfulness, shared silliness, and creative collaboration build lasting bonds

Community Creation: The difference between consuming community versus participating in creating it

Memorable Quotes

“I was never gonna betray anyone. I felt like I knew that about all you guys too.” - Marc

“We acted goofy because we did not yet know that was dangerous.” - Eric

“The reason I can play music is because I was like dumb enough to not know I couldn’t… That’s part of the advantage of being young.” - Marc

“Self-consciousness kicked in at some point, right? It turns on at some point in your life.” - Marc

“It’s like flipping a switch… there’s people I see all the time, it’s still awkward. Yeah. And there’s people I see all the time. It’s still awkward.” - Tony

Stories Featured

• The Restaurant Encounter: A chance meeting that triggered decades-old memories

• The Charlie Horse Ritual: Daily “attacks” that became bonding instead of bullying

• Three Amigos in the Hallway: Singing movie songs while people stared, not caring about social judgment

• The Newsies Secret: Sharing vulnerable experiences (liking musicals as teenage boys)

• They Might Be Giants Concert: Getting lost in Chicago and finding the universe singing their experience back to them

Reflection Questions

• What relationships in your life were formed through accidental vulnerability rather than calculated trust-building?

• When did you first become self-conscious? What did you lose when that happened?

• How do you create safe spaces for others to be authentically themselves?

• What would it look like to be “dumb enough” to try something vulnerable today?

• Who are the people you can “flip a switch” with, even after years apart?

Resources & References

• The Three Amigos (1986) - The movie that became a bonding ritual

• Stand By Me - Referenced as similar to their childhood adventures

• They Might Be Giants - The band whose concert provided a transcendent moment

Call to Action

Think about the communities you’re part of. Are you consuming them or participating in creating them? This week, try one act of accidental vulnerability - do something goofy, genuine, or slightly risky in the service of connection.

About The Better

This podcast explores what it means to experience “the better” - true rest, community, and purpose - in our daily lives. Through personal stories and conversations, we investigate how authentic connection actually works and what it takes to build communities where everyone can thrive.

Subscribe for new episodes exploring community, purpose, and what it means to live well together.

Share this episode with someone you can “flip a switch” with - an old friend who knew you before you learned to be careful.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

Summary

The karate kid inspired me. Not to do anything important like train to become like Danny Larusso. To kick trees and hurt myself. So often we think it is enough to pretend or live vicariously through the things we consume. But we will never be able to build the kind of vulnerable communities, communities that form the foundation of the better, if all we do is hope for the communities to serve us. We can not just be consumers, we have to contribute.

Episode Timestamps

(00:00) - The Karate Kid backyard incident

(04:12) - How consumption shapes identity

(05:25) - Cultural encouragement of the consumer mindset

(06:58) - The impact on our communities

(08:57) - Moving from systems to relationship

(11:12) - Practical steps toward participation

Key Themes

• The illusion of transformation through consumption - How watching, reading, or observing can give us the feeling of growth without actual change

• Participation versus spectatorship - The crucial distinction between consuming community content and actively creating community relationships

• The hidden costs of passive engagement - Why consumption-based approaches to community ultimately leave us more isolated and fragmented

• Moving from “magic button” thinking to intentional action - Understanding that genuine transformation requires sustained effort and vulnerability

• The relationship between presence and response - How authentic community requires both showing up and actively engaging, not just observing from the sidelines

Memorable Quotes

“Transformation cannot occur without intentional action. If we want to become something that we are not, we must pursue that change. Consumption is not enough to truly transform someone.”

“When we merely consume community rather than participate in it, we often find ourselves shaped by external definitions rather than internal growth.”

“Participation isn’t always about doing more. Sometimes the most vulnerable form of participation is simply taking up space within a community.”

“What we think we’re consuming often ends up consuming us when we remain passive.”

“The shift from consumption to participation isn’t all-or-nothing. It happens step by step, choice by choice.”

Resources Mentioned

• The Karate Kid (1984 film)

• Andy Crouch’s observations on technology and transformation

• 1 Corinthians 12 (the body metaphor for community)

Reflection Questions

• Where in your life are you consuming community when you could be participating in it?

• What “magic button” solutions are you hoping will transform you without requiring your active engagement?

• How has passive consumption shaped your identity in ways you didn’t intend?

• What fears keep you from moving from spectator to participant in the communities you care about?

• What would it look like to take one small step from consumption toward contribution this week?

Call to Action

Consider one community you’re currently consuming rather than contributing to. What’s one small way you could shift from spectator to participant this week? Share your thoughts in the comments or reach out on social media - but more importantly, take that step from watching to doing

Next Episode Preview

Next time, we shift our focus from community to purpose as we explore how our modern conveniences might be shrinking our world in unexpected ways. Join us as we examine what happens when tracking packages becomes more important than seeing the people right in front of us, and how finding our true purpose might require embracing the enormity of the world around us.

Until next time, may you be inspired to seek the better in your life and in the lives of your neighbors. May you be entranced by the possibilities this could bring to our world. And may you contemplate deeply what it means to not just observe but to participate in creating the communities we all long for.

Subscribe to The Better on your favorite podcast platform and share this episode with someone who might be ready to stop kicking trees and start building real community.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

When I set out to write this podcast, I was hoping to capture something that seems to be a universal experience these days — overwhelming fragmentation of self. You will notice a fragmented feel as you first start to listen, but have no fear that is not unfocused blathering… it is there to serve the point. Our attention is so divided and confused, that we often don’t even know where to look for the truth, who or what to trust. I theorize that we do this to avoid the very real threat of hurt and betrayal that we may face in this world. Like our avatars act as a buffer. But is living behind a mask truly living? Shouldn’t we step into reality as imperfect beings, become vulnerable and live a life of wholeness: a life of integrity? And here’s the beauty: this integration of ourselves - this authentic US (not pseudo-us) - this security in our identity when presented to the world in vulnerability, can actually build genuine community.

Key Topics:

• Digital fragmentation and scattered identity

• Trust in our noisy information landscape• Convenience vs. courage in risk-taking

• Personal integration as foundation for community

Memorable Quotes:

• “I communicate therefore I am?”

• “But that’s the sneaky risk, isn’t it?”

• “we can’t build integrated communities when we’re bringing only fragments of ourselves”

For complete show notes, reflection questions, and timestamps, visit our Substack.

https://open.substack.com/pub/erictomeo/p/whole?r=5wlv&utm_medium=ios

Subscribe and share if this resonated with you - we’d love to hear about your own experiences with digital fragmentation and community building.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

What happens when you’re on the team but everyone hopes the ball never comes your way? In this episode, Eric shares his experience of being “bumped up” to his brother’s baseball team, where he wore the uniform but never truly belonged. This personal story opens a deeper exploration of the difference between performative inclusion and authentic community.

Discover why simply bringing diverse people into proximity isn’t enough to create genuine belonging. Through insights from Paul’s body metaphor, Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “Life Together,” and the Trinity’s model of unity-in-diversity, learn how communities can move beyond both performative inclusion and rigid meritocracy to recognize each person’s unique contribution as essential.

This episode challenges both inclusion without contribution and contribution-based exclusion, offering a vision where communities don’t just tolerate differences but celebrate and develop them. Whether in workplaces, churches, or neighborhoods, these principles illuminate how we can create spaces where everyone isn’t just included, but truly indispensable.

Join Eric as he continues Season 2’s examination of what it means to build communities that embody “the better” rather than just talking about it.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

In this thought-provoking episode, Eric explores how we build fences in our communities long before we construct physical barriers. Beginning with reflections on his high school performance in “Oklahoma!” and its famous song about farmers and cowmen, he examines the tensions that arise from our desire to control resources and define belonging. Through contrasting post-apocalyptic fiction with real-world examples, Eric contemplates a provocative question: Do disasters bring out our best collaborative instincts, or does abundance make us more selfish? Drawing on Steinbeck’s insights from “The Grapes of Wrath,” he suggests that our impulse to hoard resources stems not primarily from scarcity, but from our attachment to ownership and control. This episode challenges listeners to consider how the boundaries we create shape our identities and relationships, and whether it might be possible to find common ground without waiting for a catastrophe to force our cooperation.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

What makes us want to be on the inside of a community, even one with seemingly arbitrary membership rules? In this episode, Eric shares his childhood experience with “The Gray Gang” to explore how communities create and maintain boundaries – and what happens when we find ourselves on the outside looking in.

From playground exclusivity to ancient Trojan conflicts, discover how boundaries both protect and divide us. Through personal stories, insights from C.S. Lewis’s concept of the Tao, and Jesus’ revolutionary approach to belonging, learn how our sense of security profoundly affects whether our boundaries connect or separate.

This exploration reveals that thriving communities need boundaries that distinguish without dividing – creating spaces where differences are recognized without rejecting those who differ. Whether navigating family relationships, church dynamics, or broader social divisions, this episode offers wisdom for building communities where boundaries serve relationship rather than replace it.

Join Eric as he continues Season 2’s exploration of what it means to live “the better” in community, not just understand it.

This podcast is a proud member of The Unfiltered Studios Network. Please check out : https://www.unfpod.com/. For a list of our current members or for more information on how to join.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

In this powerful episode, Eric Tomeo explores the transformative nature of endings through parallel stories of execution and exile. Beginning with his own abrupt professional “death” - being fired without explanation after years of service - he weaves his experience alongside Fyodor Dostoevsky’s near-execution in 1849 that led to the author’s creative rebirth. Through these stories, Tomeo examines why we fear change, how we navigate the vulnerable space between identities, and whether what we’re really afraid of isn’t death itself but the painful transition it demands. This meditation on loss, potential, and transformation challenges listeners to consider both the comfort of stability and the necessity of vulnerability for growth.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

What draws thousands of strangers to huddle together in freezing temperatures to cheer for men they’ve never met? In the season premiere of “The Better,” Eric explores a Chicago Bears game to uncover the paradox at the heart of thriving communities—the delicate balance between stability and change, tradition and growth.

Like musicians finding harmony between different notes, healthy communities require both permanent foundations and the capacity to evolve. Discover why some communities stagnate while others fragment, and how finding the right balance creates spaces where people can experience true belonging. Whether you’re building a family, joining a church, or simply seeking deeper connection, this episode reveals the essential dynamics that make community work—and why relationship might be the key to navigating these tensions.

The better life we seek isn’t found by escaping community’s complexities, but by learning to play them with greater skill. Join Eric as he kicks off Season 2’s exploration of how we move from merely knowing about “the better” to actually living it together.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com

This is just a preview of what is to come in Season 2. More great stories. More philosophical musings. More of the Better.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit erictomeo.substack.com