Woah! I thought The Big Muddler was a comedy show, but this episode's been hijacked by a documentary podcast called True Garbage. Everything gets a bit serious as presenter Jeff Flatley welcomes you Garbageers to another sensational expose. This time it's a revelation that will shake your boots (not your booty, no, your booty must remain unshaken). Jeff reveals how a conspiracy for world domination has been hiding for years, in plain sight, within a fun, innocent practice. Many are infected - maybe you too! Worst of all, it's got a hold of children in schools. 

But this IS The Big Muddler, so expect an odd start to the show. Today we're in Transylvania, out for an evening jaunt to a circus in the mountains. But why has the guide disappeared, and who are those replacement musicians seizing the instruments?

This week's Listed Jokes features the beloved Scottish funny man Chic Murray (1919 - 1985). Go check him out. 

Today's sponsor is Ruislip Robots. They're still flogging their Forever Friends, your personal romantic droid, available for hire on Exploratory Weekends. (Note terms & conditions: products must be returned clean). 

Today's custodian of the chortle is, once again, Matthew Crampton. Do get in touch via [email protected] or you can leave a voicemail here. Soon - thank goodness - we'll reach the end of Series Three. And what an ending that will be. Finale Episode 3.6 features the winner of the competition to name the movie which inspired the opening to episode 3.3 (who may regret taking part, but it's now too late...)

So, lots to look forward to. Meantime, keep muddling.

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Huh? How come David Eagle - comedian, folk singer, podcaster, and a man barely past forty years old - is popping up as a guest on post-war podcast The Rest is Jollity? It certainly sounds like him. There's not just innuendo but overt smuttery too, references to ancient variety trio The Young'un Krazee Gang and memories of 'West Harterleepool' as host Worth Matravers insists on calling Eagle's home patch. Together they ham out an old biblical classic - 'The Five Constipated Men in the Bible'. It's so convincing you'll beg for your money back. But that's not possible, for The Big Muddler is FREE. Just dive in. Oh. You did. 

What about Tolstoy Bingo? While enjoying the show's opening drama, try and spot the cliches of grandiose Russian lit. There's a priest, count, wild strawberries, timber merchant... Crikey Katya!

But be careful. There's a trigger warning for Great Crustaceans: at one point during this instalment of the soap, drummer Spider sings a song by Cliff Richard. It's Early Cliff (which, as we all know, is the Best Cliff) but still, it's, well, him - the man who sells all the Christmas calendars. So consider yourself warned. Remarkably, the song forms part of an autobiographical rock opera that Spider is working on. Now you're doubly warned.

Plus plenty of other random treats. Muddler Live features that ol' classic toon Psychokiller, plus the pearly anthem Maybe It's Because I'm a Londoner, both belted out by a troupe of Spitalfields Songsters, with Dorian Ford on piano. (And listen out for the great Jan North in the background).

At least you'll know where you are with the Listed Jokes. This week they gather some classic Samantha Excuses from BBC R4's I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

And that's it. That's all. As usual, the show is orchestrated by one desperate individual. Matthew Crampton. He’s the guilty party. But now he’s out on remand, so watch out - you’ll soon be hearing another episode of The Big Muddler.  

Oh and do get in touch. Just so we know that you're there. 

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Ooh it's chilly here. Not just because we're inside a refrigerated unit. Something menacing has descended upon this corner of the underworld - and justice is about to be served cold. The boss has found an excellent, albeit terrifying, way to get people to talk. But watch out. Listen too long to The Big Muddler and you'll soon be spilling secrets yourself. 

Fortunately there are distractions. Let's join another radio phone-in - though don't those callers sound suspiciously famous? And they seem poetically scripted... No matter, let's now head down the music hall. It's that classic singalong With Her 'Ead Tucked Underneath Her Arm, crucified here by host Matthew Crampton, though he's ably aided by pianist Dorian Ford and a fine chorus (including, most audibly, the late and much loved Jan North). Today's Listed Jokes, would you believe it, are all about banjos - though we're just 'picking' the surface of the mountain of such material. 

Cowboys are the theme for this week's edition of The Rest is Jollity. Smitten by the Texan craze that's wafting through town, Melbury adopts the persona of Bronco Swanage - The Dorset Kid - and insists on singing classic Western toons. Matravers is understandably shocked by this cosplay cowpokery, yet nonetheless joins in on The Trail of the Lonesome Pine. 

If that wasn't enough, we also hear from sponsor Ruislip Robots. This week they're promoting their Forever Friends - your chance to embrace technology, quite literally, with a robot date that's constantly compliant and configured to your needs. 

Gosh, what a bundle of baloney. Once again Matthew Crampton was responsible for writing, performing and producing this audio 'entertainment'. Do get in touch with him if you have any complaints, concerns or - god forbid - compliments. Please do. The silence is killing him.

Daffodils (William Wordsworth) read by Flora Robson) on Poetry Choice / Legendary Voices Alto ALN1938 https://altocd.com/product/poetry-choice-legendary-voices/

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day? Sonnet No. 18, (William Shakespeare) read by Anthony Quayle on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

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The enemy are closing in. They’re approaching from Lowestoft, AND Beccles. Worst of all, they’ve got a new weapon, some kind of audio device. But will regulation ear defenders be strong enough? Unlikely. 

Actually, not at all. Few humans can withstand this level of insanity. Yes, The Big Muddler is bursting across the battlefield. And few will survive unscathed.

For those who do, here’s what lies in store. More afternoon phone-in, where the callers seem oddly familiar, and poetical. A near-the-knuckle collection of Listed Jokes, including Kenneth Williams infamous warm-up joke, as recounted by Barry Took in his book of Round The Horne scripts. 

The boys from The Rest is Jollity are trying to record an ad for their new sponsor, which of course goes horribly wrong. Meantime, soap star Squid Vicious is being interviewed by a dodgy journalist in Great Crustaceans. Will he fall for the clickbait confrontational baloney? Or will his pal Razors save the situation?

So much dense sketch comedy crammed into one slender episode; crammed courtesy of crammer in chief: Matthew Cram-pton. Tune in for more rich, thick, creamy nonsense next time.

Full Many a Glorious Morning Have I Seen, Sonnet No. 33 (William Shakespeare) read by John Gielgud on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Now Sleeps the Crimson Petal (Alfred, Lord Tennyson) ready by Dame Peggy Ashcroft on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

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Season Three is here! - heralded by a global mystery in Seoul. A strange box has appeared on the stage of k-pop supergroup JeanStarz. Let's pray it's not an alien music box...

Once again The Big Muddler brings unwholesome variety to your ears. New this season is a phone-in where the callers sound oddly familiar. But that's as far as the novelty goes. Otherwise it's the same mirthless parade of old routines. Some Listed Jokes, of course, plus marine soap opera Great Crustaceans, where Spider's got a new song that, again, seems oddly familiar. Oh, and there's a new member of the band.

Our trip to Muddler Live comes from Walthamstow Folk Club, and it comes with a rare tidbit - a parody of that music hall classic If it Wasn't for the 'Ouses in Between, written by Norfolk's finest - the Kipper Family. I learnt this treat from London legend John White (who I think was 101 years old, honest, when I last saw him perform it). Oh, and apologies, again, to anyone offended by Verse Two. 

This week's advertiser is Ruislip Robots, with an important product upgrade notice. 

The architect of this asinine assembly is - as always - Matthew Crampton. Check out incriminating evidence at 

Do get in touch via thebigmuddler(at)matthewcrampton.com. I'm also on the anti-socials: matthew.crampton on instagram and MatthewCramptonStoryAndSong on facebook. 

Do explore the excellent spoken word recordings of Musical Concepts: https://musicalconcepts.net/genre/spoken-word/

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night (Dylan Thomas) read by Richard Burton (1955) on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

Ode To A Nightingale (Keats) read by Robert Donat (1958) on Poetry Classics: Great Voices Alto ALN1918 https://www.prestomusic.com/classical/products/7990331--poetry-classics-great-voices

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Boy did they laugh. Yes, The Big Muddler is back before a live audience, this time at the magical festival of FolkEast, held each summer in deep, flat, golden Suffolk. It was late on Sunday evening. A sturdy, sozzled crowd had gathered to check out the fuss about this new sketch comedy podcast. Who knows what they were expecting. But what they got ...  

... was a cheeky hamper of cheap hilarity. Listed Jokes, of course, plus classic sketches from the vault - Radio Four's Shi**ing Forecast, and the Dogging Forecast too - plus an appearance from West of England Correspondent Denzel Rumpo that's just about safe enough for broadcast. What's more, soap opera Great Crustaceans made its live debut, with Cornwall's premier shellfish rockband appearing, disastrously, at the Harwich Shanty Festival. Plus!  A shout-out for local sponsor Anglia Water - 'See you on the poop deck!' - with a performance of music hall classic Down Below (The Song of the London Sewerman).

Thanks (and apologies) to Becky and John of FolkEast for allowing this nonsense to infiltrate their lovely festival. 

As ever, there's only one person responsible. Matthew Crampton. And he'd love to hear from you. Do get in touch via [email protected] or check him out on the socials, as I think they say. 

Oh, and this is the finale of Season Two. Thanks for listening. Mr Crampton's now off to have his body re-assembled, which may take a few months. Then he'll return with Season Three, which threatens to feature Celebrity Guest Pals. Meantime, there'll be some Muddler Interruptions and maybe the odd medical update. Byeee.

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Here's a little treat while you're waiting for the next full show. It's the Great Crustaceans! We haven't heard from them in a while. But Cornwall's premier shellfish rock band have been busy doing what they do best - arguing. Bassist Squid Vicious and guitarist Razors are just settling in for their afternoon altercation, when drummer Spider bursts in with news. He's written another song!

Or has he? Well, Spider certainly thinks he's penned something original. And while the lyrics of Hiding in the Weed do speak to his life experience, as a crab, the tune seems familiar. Could it be from a US indie band of the 90s? Cue ridicule from the others, and a painful profusion of piscatorial puns. Bachman Tuna Overdrive, anyone?

Soon, Series Two will conclude with Live at FolkEast festival - another live recording from last summer.

As ever, this confection is created by Mr Matthew Crampton. Or so he claims. 

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Welcome to The Big Muddler's Seaside Special - recorded before a bubbly crowd at the gorgeous Manor Pavilion in Devon. It's August 2025 and Sidmouth Folk Festival has bravely scheduled a live recording of this 'comedy podcast' by festival veteran Matthew Crampton. But would such strange radio work live on stage? Find out for yourself...

There are Listed Jokes, a chorus singalong, two classic songs from the music hall - The Hole in the Elephant's Bottom and Your Baby Has Gorn down the Plug'ole - plus an episode of antique podcast The Rest is Jollity. These have been edited down from a full, fulsome show. 

NOT included is a feature on The Unexpected Emergence of Animals in Folksongs (which appeared in The Big Muddler Episodes 2.1 and 2.3). Sadly the contribution of West of England correspondent Denzel Rumpo was not judged fit for inclusion.  And a special seaside version of soap opera Great Crustaceans will appear in the next episode - Live from FolkEast festival. 

Special thanks to Ross and Nikki Henrywood of Barleycorn Productions for sound. Thanks too to Tash Daly of Sidmouth Folk Festival for booking this nonsense, and to Rosie Thomas, who nobly supports the 'talent' at the Manor Pavilion during the festival.

Responsibility for the creative content of this show rests entirely with Matthew Crampton, who's very sorry and promises not to do it again. 

Next episode out soon. 

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It's a Muddler Interruption! Sorry for the delay in regular programming, due to "A&E visits" and "an unexpected heart condition" (yeah right....). Here's a short sop to satisfy your Muddler cravings. It's a nugget from the archives - the infamous banned episode from old-time podcast The Rest is Jollity. The boys have booked a chat with confectionery mascot Sir Kreemy Knut - the face of Sharps Toffees - but the interview proves disastrous. Worthy is drunk. The guest is out of sorts. Cue fisticuffs and ripe repartee. 

Once again, the orchestrator of this ordure is Matthew Crampton. More about him at matthewcrampton.com

Soon you can enjoy Episode Five of Season Two, when The Big Muddler excites a live audience at the Sidmouth Folk Festival. 

Kenneth Alford: On the Quarter Deck (from the album Favourite Military Bands of the United Kingdom) Catalogue no: ALN1986  Label: Alto Music. With permission of Musical Concepts. Thanks to Todd Landor. 

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This extra-length episode features a spooky winter story - fab! - which starts at 18.35 (if you want to dodge the nonsense beforehand). Why not gather the family for its 17 minutes of chilling delight...

Meanwhile, my goddaughter Jasmine wants to visit Father Christmas, but this ambition is proving trickier than expected. As we tour one dodgy grotto after another, I worry for the state of the nation. Fortunately, the day is saved by some neighbourly delight ... only to be unsettled again by the unexpected intrusion of The Big Muddler. Talking of unwelcome arrivals, today's Listed Jokes plumb the depths of festive frivolity (email me via thebigmuddler(at)matthewcrampton.com for the gag that's too dark for broadcast). Matters get worse with two over-lubricated presenters on The Rest is Jollity. And worse still with Denzel Rumpo's Christmas Carol (of sorts). 

But today's main feature is the spooky old story New Boots for Willy McPhee, produced in full radio soundscape gory/glory. The earliest versions of this tale, called The Cow That Ate the Piper, appeared in 18th century Ireland. I first heard it from Hugh Lupton thirty years ago, and I also draw here on a fine telling by Bill Harley. Enjoy! It's a treat.

Matthew Crampton put this show together. More about him at https://matthewcrampton.com/

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