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The Biggest Myth in Parenting
"Why Trying to Control Your Kids Makes Parenting Harder (And What to Do Instead)"
Do you ever feel like parenting is a constant power struggle? If you've ever believed it's your job to control every aspect of your child's behavior, today's episode will completely change your perspective. Join Brian as he debunks one of the most common parenting myths—that control equals good parenting. Discover why letting go of control doesn't mean letting go of boundaries and learn how shifting from "control" to "connection" can transform your family dynamic.
Why control is an illusion that makes parenting harder.
How behavior is a symptom, not the actual problem.
Practical strategies to build real influence through trust and understanding.
Parenting is not about producing a perfect outcome; it's about nurturing the conditions for your child to grow.
Discipline rooted in fear creates temporary compliance but undermines long-term growth.
Challenging behaviors communicate underlying needs. Understanding them is key to real solutions.
Genuine authority comes from trust, empathy, and relationship-building—not force or intimidation.
Choose ONE step to practice daily this week:
Shift to Influence:
Pause and breathe before reacting.
Replace "Do it now because I said so" with "I see this is tough. Can you tell me what's making it tricky?"
Decode the Behavior:
Instead of immediately correcting behavior, ask yourself and your child: "What's happening right now? What's making this hard?"
Build Connection-Based Influence:
Model calm responses.
Provide simple, empowering choices ("Shoes first or jacket first?").
Invite your child's cooperation rather than commanding it.
Consider deeply: "What is your purpose as a parent?" Is it about shaping your child’s behavior or nurturing their growth toward resilience and empathy?
Follow Parenting Sound on Instagram for more insights.
"Decoding Outbursts: Handling Toddler Tantrums to Teenage Meltdowns." Learn how to effectively respond to intense emotions, reducing tension and increasing trust.
Resources:
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer Science & Business Media.
Gopnik, A. (2016). The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children. Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook. Basic Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). "Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data." Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–268.
Perry, B. D. (1999). "Memories of Fear: How the Brain Stores and Retrieves Physiological States, Feelings, Behaviors, and Thoughts from Traumatic Events." Brain and Mind, 1(1), 75-95.
Gallese, V. (2001). "The 'Shared Manifold' Hypothesis: From Mirror Neurons to Empathy." Journal of Consciousness Studies, 8(5-7), 33-50.
Calkins, S. D., & Keane, S. P. (2009). "Developmental Origins of Early Antisocial Behavior." Development and Psychopathology, 21(4), 1095–1109.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., & Christopoulos, C. (2015). "Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress: Foundations for Understanding Self-Regulation from an Applied Developmental Perspective." Duke University Center for Child and Family Policy
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Baumrind, D. (1971). "Current Patterns of Parental Authority." Developmental Psychology, 4(1, Pt. 2), 1–103.
View all episodes
By Still•Dad Works"Why Trying to Control Your Kids Makes Parenting Harder (And What to Do Instead)"
Do you ever feel like parenting is a constant power struggle? If you've ever believed it's your job to control every aspect of your child's behavior, today's episode will completely change your perspective. Join Brian as he debunks one of the most common parenting myths—that control equals good parenting. Discover why letting go of control doesn't mean letting go of boundaries and learn how shifting from "control" to "connection" can transform your family dynamic.
Why control is an illusion that makes parenting harder.
How behavior is a symptom, not the actual problem.
Practical strategies to build real influence through trust and understanding.
Parenting is not about producing a perfect outcome; it's about nurturing the conditions for your child to grow.
Discipline rooted in fear creates temporary compliance but undermines long-term growth.
Challenging behaviors communicate underlying needs. Understanding them is key to real solutions.
Genuine authority comes from trust, empathy, and relationship-building—not force or intimidation.
Choose ONE step to practice daily this week:
Shift to Influence:
Pause and breathe before reacting.
Replace "Do it now because I said so" with "I see this is tough. Can you tell me what's making it tricky?"
Decode the Behavior:
Instead of immediately correcting behavior, ask yourself and your child: "What's happening right now? What's making this hard?"
Build Connection-Based Influence:
Model calm responses.
Provide simple, empowering choices ("Shoes first or jacket first?").
Invite your child's cooperation rather than commanding it.
Consider deeply: "What is your purpose as a parent?" Is it about shaping your child’s behavior or nurturing their growth toward resilience and empathy?
Follow Parenting Sound on Instagram for more insights.
"Decoding Outbursts: Handling Toddler Tantrums to Teenage Meltdowns." Learn how to effectively respond to intense emotions, reducing tension and increasing trust.
Resources:
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer Science & Business Media.
Gopnik, A. (2016). The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children. Farrar, Straus, and Giroux.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook. Basic Books.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). "Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data." Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–268.
Perry, B. D. (1999). "Memories of Fear: How the Brain Stores and Retrieves Physiological States, Feelings, Behaviors, and Thoughts from Traumatic Events." Brain and Mind, 1(1), 75-95.
Gallese, V. (2001). "The 'Shared Manifold' Hypothesis: From Mirror Neurons to Empathy." Journal of Consciousness Studies, 8(5-7), 33-50.
Calkins, S. D., & Keane, S. P. (2009). "Developmental Origins of Early Antisocial Behavior." Development and Psychopathology, 21(4), 1095–1109.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K., & Christopoulos, C. (2015). "Self-Regulation and Toxic Stress: Foundations for Understanding Self-Regulation from an Applied Developmental Perspective." Duke University Center for Child and Family Policy
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Baumrind, D. (1971). "Current Patterns of Parental Authority." Developmental Psychology, 4(1, Pt. 2), 1–103.