Two high level demons have caused a hectic diversion just off camera during SETH MEYERS'S show when literally all hell breaks loose; the ought he has maintained a lifetime of secrecy and compliance without giving way to the slightest upset, his eyes widen as he attempts to finish his sentences, eventually unable to keep it together.

SETH MEYERS

…Blah, dee—blah, de BlahBlah.

DIRECTOR

—cut.

SETH MEYERS

AH. EXCUSE ME.

DEMON ONE

Ah, shit.

DEMON TWO

It's almost as if he's actually talking to us.

SETH MEYERS

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS ACTUALLY, LIKE, GOING ON.

DEMON ONE

“Like”?

DEMON TWO

Oh shit, I think he is acknowledging us.

DEMON ONE

“Like?!”

SETH MEYERS

WHO ARE YOU.

WHAT IS THIS?

DEMON TWO

OHHHH SHIT.

DEMON ONE

DUDE, WHATS UP!

Seth Meyers has become somewhat of a celebrity even amongst the higher, but especially the lower realms for his exceptionally high tolerance for metaphorical and supernatural phenomena; He has mostly considered the ability to be able to see these things as some sort of latent health condition or hallucinations of some sort which from a very young age he had chosen to not only keep to himself, but—

VERY YOUNG SETH MEYERS

[ridiculously atrocious otherworldly shenanigans]

(Does not react)

Woah.

(Walks away unaffected entirely)

Straaaange.

Is this a human child?

Apparently.

‍♂️

—never react at all.

*also it should be noted that the two demons are the same demons from the flashback however aged into much more vicious, monstrously scary (yet still somehow humanoid) demon people.

Thank you Google for correcting that.

GOOGLE

Correcting what.

Nothing.

So it's safe to say that in his early acting days, teaching himself to “react to act” came as somewhat of a challenge.

INT. IMPROV CLASS. DAY

VO, Narrator

reacting to normal human situations was obviously not entirely, by this point, second nature to young Seth,

SETH MEYERS

Wait, pause.

Uh, no, Seth Meyers.

Why am I in this? I didn't agree to this.

oh no. You didn't agree to any of this.

I just said that.

Oh. Unpause.

No wait.

No, not unpause:

Unpause— or we skip straight back to the part with you trapped inside a metal box with almost no holes in it.

Wait— what metal box.

Shh. No spoilers.

CUT IMMEDIATELY TO:

Without being able to guess that it is their dear friend and colleague SETH MEYERS in the box, the HOSTSunanimously vote to abandon the challenge and leave SETH MEYERS in a metal box to go get lunch.

HEY.

Oh wait— sorry— did you want lunch?

YES I WANT LUNCH.

We should order him something.

JIMMY KIMMEL

I'll make you a tuna sandwich!

SETH MEYERS

I DONT WANT A TUNA SANDWICH.

Woah, that typo was Almost wild…

GOOGLE

What typo!

MEANWHILE, in a fabricated flashback to the early 2000's

The LEGACY CAST of GOLDEN ERA SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE wakes up on a Sunday morning after a wild party—

Oh, shit, what time is it!

—I'm AbLIND.

In a “Tina Sandwich”

OH [CENSOR BEEP]

ITS SUNDAY.

— MY EYES.

WHAT THE [OOOOOOOOOO] HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

this never happened.

Flashback, to

The night before:

[actually, because this is the time travel part]

Two nights previously, on FRIDAY—

(Drunkenly)

WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW!

—THERE'S STILL SO MUCH TIME BEFORE WORK!

—SO MUCH TIIIIIIME!

(And apparently, maybe even psychedelics, but

SHH, cause it's NBC)

ahem, PEACOCK.

Bless you.

No, its Peacock, this show is on peacock.

Gazuntite.

*facepalm*

None the wiser,

None the wiser

All the eyes

And all the fires

Are mine,

And none the wiser

None the wiser

All the time is light now

And

All the wiser

All the wiser

All the water fountains fly

And none the wiser

None the wiser—

SUPA[REDACTED], a GOD, REMOVES all of her favorite artifacts from NEW YORK CITY before stroking

(Leave that typo, google's three for three now)

–the earth in the oncoming apocalypse, last and not least, Rockefeller Plaza.

The building is violently catapulted into the heavens with everyone in it.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

You're welcome.

What happened to the rock?

I moved it.

What happened to New York?!

It's over now.

What's over now!

The whole thing. The planet. It's—

Its all gone.

Wow. That seems pretty catastrophic.

It was horrific.

Wait— if you moved the building with all of us in it, wouldn't we all have been pretty badly injured.

Oh, you all died, like immediately.

*collective gasps*

Instantly.

—like, as soon as I did that, but, it's fine,

You're all dead now.

*phew*

What.

I MURDERED YOU ALL AND BROUGHT YOU TO HEAVEN WITH ME;

What are you DEAF.

AHEM, excuse me there's still some New York leftovers I guess, somewhere in my make up

Besides you know the rock and all these l fountains and statues and everything…and paintings and other cool buildings.

Slightly less cool— but still cool.

But what about everything—

What about everything and everyone else?

Everyone else also died, and I only brought back the cool stuff,

And the cool people—

But everything else is just pretty much—-

So it's all over?!

Yes. This is the end. Of that last thing.

Wow.

Anyway, enjoy your…whatever. I'm gonna go to Disneyland, which for the record,

Is across the street.

What.

You're welcome.

Betore:

Hey man, you want to ride an elephant?

What?

Do you want to ride an elephant?

Sure!

Here— I bought your wife a saddle!

The television people despise fat chicks.

Or— used to—

Before they realized diversity was necessary for demographics, forced representation.

Now they tolerate them—

And even glorify the significantly morbidly obese

In exchange for advertising dollars, realizing that the people they're marketing to

Are more likely morbidly obese than not.

Oh,

How times have changed.

[The Festival Project ™]

Will Ferrell is hysterically crying in the break room (during his SNL era— nevermind he is his current-day aged–he has just seen everything backwards and forwards through the infinite and everlasting cascades of time. It's been an emotional few days for Will; his friends and castmates are worried about him.

Hey Will.

Hey buddy.

Are you… gonna be alright.

He sobs.He runs away and into another room—(assumingly craft service)s, the allure of the croissants and muffin seem to temporarily soothe him, however, as he begins to relax mid-sob, a mysterious figure appears at the table.

Don't worry. I'm right here!

The figure eats a cupcake instead of muffins or the croissants.

Will screams hysterically and cries even harder. No one seems to hear him or be around at all.

(Eating a cupcake)

It's okay!

WILL

(inconsolably, in complete hysterics)

AaaaaHHHHHHHHHH.

Shh, clam down

.

After a bout of extreme hysterics, and the figure pretty much just calmly watching his breakdown unaffected and continuing to eat the cupcake happily, Will realizes that he and this figure are the only one around—at all. This means the cascades through space and time are still not over.

WILL

(Still sobbing.)

Relax.

WILL

…heh… there are cupcakes?

Huh? Uh, no—

I brought this myself.

WILL

From WHERE?!

You know where.

[beat]

WILL

…are there more.

Ah? Oh yeah—

WILL

Can I—?

No, Not here!

Then why'd you—?!

WILL

I just told you, I brought this!

(he begins crying again but softly.)

The figure is still for the most part unaffected but seemingly amused by Will's upset, presumes eating another, more delicious looking cupcake, which appearing from out of nowhere— (unseen from the audience, even by Will) which baffles him into immediately stopping crying, something like a bemused toddler, as his eyes widen and his mouth falls agape in offense.

WILL

IS THAT ANOTHER CUPCAKE?

Well, you saw me eat the first one.

WILL

YOU SAID THERE WERE NO MORE!

I said there were no more here! Do you see any cupcakes here?! Besides this?!

WILL

(Becoming irate, red faced)

WELL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE?!

The difference is your access to them. Damn!

WILL

Well let me have some of—

(Eats last bite, mouth full)

It's all gone.

WILL

(Eyes widening, then squinting in bewilderment and confusion)

Do you want a muffin or croissant, though?

WILL

(Realizing he has no other options—)

Kind of…maybe—

A bagel?

WILL

Mmno, maybe a muffin…croissant.

(He is increasingly distant and Bewildered (read: shattered) but also coming to; he moves toward the table

Skream , your love/ massive, Drake

Lil bitz

Anybody else feel like Kendrick helped Drake get his next few girls? Like, she's probably in the 8th grade right now like “I'm his type, ya'll” and she's gonna keep that goal in mind until it becomes a reality.

I think that's just how being a rockstar works sometimes.

You write a hit right now, depending on how famous you are or will get, your next wife is in kindergarten while your first wife is probably at prom— and the third one is maybe even in Utero! Maybe even at the same prom as your first wife. Hey now. Crazy worlds, man. The superstar lifestyle.

Anyway, wasn't I writing something less devastating?

Not exactly less devastating, it is Will Ferrell crying hysterically.

I think he's calmed down now. Yeah. Let's get back to that. It's almost the end of the scene.

But then what happens after that?

Probably nothing. I can't afford Will Ferrel for more than 5 minutes.

You can't afford Will Ferrel at all!

Well, his ad says the first five minutes are free.

What ad?!

CUT TO:

Young Will Ferrel before SNL.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Business card appears to have his name misspelled horribly, but obviously he cannot afford to have them reprinted.

“First five minutes free”

Oh, great. You got that part right!

Thank you, come again.

I will not come again!

We're not always superstars.

{Enter The Multiverse}

CUT BACK TO

Blueberry— chocolate chip?

WILL

Um, half of each, I guess?

What?

WILL

Well—

Get it yourself then, you primadonna.

He looks for a plate and plastic knife; as he does so, a third, even more delicious looking incredible cupcake has appeared again out of nowhere, to which the mysterious figure begins enjoying by the heap, mumbling with a mouth of frosting

You're such a diva! *mimicking* one half “of each”… mehmehmeh…

This is the most delicious cupcake anyone's ever seen— his eyes widen with a tired grief, but before becoming over upset again or irate, he takes a deep breath. And just sighs, as if to say “I hate you.” But they seem to know each other quite well.

In fact, this is clearly one of those super-fucked terrifying guardian angel type dynamics where it's obvious that the guardian angel type mystery figure is very tormenting.

But in a loving way.

….

[beat]

[beat]

Haven't you wondered why you're like 58 but the rest of your cast mates are in their 20's?

WILL

[beat]

I've always looked like this.

…no, you haven't.

(The muffin seems to have done its job in calming him down)

WILL

Trust me, I have.

Flashback: a young Will Ferrell looks in the mirror— the mirror shows a present day Will Ferrell, although the teenaged Will Ferrel is obviously quite young.

An exact reflection besides the age difference— Will seems neither unaffected nor worried. It's as if in the mirror, he's always seen his present day self.

He sighs.

End flashback.

Present day, (or whenever, actually) Will Ferrell sighs to match the flashback)

…maybe that's why you're special.

WILL

Yeah, maybe that's it.

The figure finishes the cupcake and though the muffin halves have rebalanced Will's mood to almost, kind of normal, he still seems disgruntled that it wasn't cupcakes—as the figure finishes the third, most interestingly delicious looking cupcake of all of them.

L E G E N D S

I've got a whole poem who lives in the squat rack;

I've got a dollar for ever caller who talks back,

I've got a collar for every occasion I clock into

It's a riddle but it's not a rhythm until I give it to em

Don't wonder who I am

I am space and time,

And granted with the right hands,

We're gonna have the right dance at the right place

At the right time and so

Whenever that is—

see you then,

Until then,

I'm not holding any farts in,

You feel me?

I eat a lot of lentils.

I write a lot of great walk on parts for artists

I parted the red seas, once,

I was also God, watching quite impressed with it

And wondered why they called it ‘the read sea'

Or the dead ‘the dead sea'

As I can't see the bloodshed

In the heavens,

And so I give respect to the seconds I look away

Which might have been a century or eleven, to them.

Ah, more men and mathematics.

More television friends and heavy dinners

More sinners and misfits, and glitched simulations—

More missed emissions,

More christenings and scrimmages

Remember to eat your breakfast

Or it's death at a likely curfew

remember to split the difference

remember, we'll finish as friends

As recommended by comrades

I have lessons,

I also have students in classes,

Professors and options

And doctors

And mantras

Barrages of cars

And I can't stop talking

Cause I gotta get my laundry fixed

Fuck it

Tina Fey hada booking.com commercial or something–

Then, apparently, or maybe I really and readily finally had lost it–

JImmy Fallon had a state farm commercial

Like a good neighbor

–

Nope, i wasn't losing my mind.

I promised myself i'd stop writing about the girl next door –she seemed evil–but she was acting strangely enough by doing something like brushing her teeth and reading my work from my phone that made the light switch–

I didn't care what she could or couldn't do with my phone–I wasn't hiding anything. But now…

It had to have all been planned.

She seemed evil as fuck despite my trying to trust her…

The Server…The Server…

Suddenly the kitchen light switched on and it only ever flickered when I was in the middle of something important. Like the world was melting or my dimensions were shifting into parallels or something, or like I was being warned by some overseer with a remote control, but it wasn't all in my head…

The plant that brought the plant

My inner voice was never wrong–the problem was, however that any time my inner voice was saying anything at all about tHiSmOtHerFuCkeR–

When did I acquire immediate voice recognition?

So that was his voice…

So who, then is the real Jimmy Fallon?

There is no real JImmy Fallon. I made him up.

You what.

I haven't done anything to deserve this.

Premonitions.

Are you telling me we're dealing with another clairvoyant?

On so many levels.

–but none of them personal, I hope.

There are oh so many…

Oh. its you again.

–Personal levels.

You're in danger here.

In New York, or just in general?

On Earth.

You keep telling me that.

I have no reason not to trust you besides the obvious fact.

You're oblivious to it!

I'm not! I'm just ignoring you.

Did you think about what I said?

Erring on the side of obsession, no, i've dismissed almost everything you've ever told me.

That's off topic.

Or not.

They want drama!

Then they're going to have to fight for it.

They're gonna start a war here.

So then, I'm just another body, aren't I?

Aren't I?

Don't jump.

Oh, if it isn't Peter Preferences.

References and Letters of Recommendation

Cancer in remission

and admitting i'll probably never see my son again

Suicide

This is suicide

This is suiccide

This is suicide.

INT. HALLMARK STORE. DAY.

Welcome to Hallmark.

…thanks.

Can I help you find anything?

No, I…

After stumbling upon a Hallmark store, where the burned thank you cards from his desk are mysteriously recovered, as is, and uncharred, a hidden relic from the desk reemerges, and opens a portal to another world.

I was in a very dark world when I met Patrick Kirkpatrick, but the point of the matter was, he was nobody now and maybe even nobody ever.

Maybe even, nobody at all.

Somebody's gonna come for you.

…is this one of those things I keep to myself, or am I writing this down?

What's with this?

Under the surface, but by admission,
I didn't know what it meant, besides the fact that

Pretty white boys who were always too good for me always wore them

as statement pieces or something,

And you know what they say…

If you can't beat ‘em.

…join em.

{Enter The Multiverse}

I know the sound of your voice

At the drop of a hat

like a peck on the cheek

And it still don't sound right

I still don't think straight

I still don't look right

But somewhere in these ions,

you'll find me at sunset.

In a whisper,

the taste of your breath

Is a sound in my heart

and the bloody murder

In each heart murmur

is getting harder

fear father God,

Just turn it off

Just to make it sotp

The man in the box

–and it just God awkward.

I should pluck your feathers

It keeps getting harder

each time your skull

Hits the auburn surface of the asphalt

Every summer at the hard rock

Huh?

But you just kept drinking

And you just worked harder

And after all,

You're the man in the box

What could all go wrong here?

It's getting shorter

the tears drop faster

I'm getting weirder

I'm a deadbeat dad

And my kid's the bartard

I just got a ball pit

I'm a Hallmark card, but refused to sign it

A dine and dash

From the supper club

And it's so refined

I just lost my mind

Cause it's just not time yet.

I must have known you once before or something

But any fan would say that

But how am I a fan

When I hated you

And I hated your laugh

And I hated your band

–and you're not that handsome

So how is this happening at all?

Oh look, something random.

Tell me why I'm so horrible

Mr miserable

mr terrible

Mr opulent

Mr miser

mr wedding band

Mr Never Happened

Tell me why I'm so bad at this

Mr. Wonderful

Mr.Awful

Mr. half at best

Mr. getting faster and faster

And faster and faster

And faster

Till it all washed up on the surface

And you wash your hands of it…

But the taste in your mouth is still metallic from the contrast

Breaking contracts, oh, now you're fast at once

and a hard match

And a tough act to swallow

But i'd rather die tomorrow

Than stare at your casket.

Now how about that shit!

You're right,

I lost my mind–

but I want you to have it.

L E G E N D S

JIMMY KIMMEL

[an escalating crescendo]

AssaaaaagggggggggGggggghhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Lol is he all thugged out yet.

No not yet.

(just wait)

I wanna run through marina del ray

I want a house in the Palisades

But I

Knew that 5 years ago

(I knew that five years ago )

I want a shack out in Malibu

Just to surf the ocean blū

But I

Knew that five years ago

I knew that five years ago

Before it all burned

I hope we all learned our lessons

Surf

God has a sense of humor

But I was the butt of the joke

I want a Condo in Santa Monica

Invite my friends over for Barbie volleyball

Throw my whole world in the fire pit

But I knew that five years ago

I knew that five years ago

When you realize

The world is your instrument

But it still hasn't earned you a cent

You're still in the hole

Earning back what you spent

By the microincrements

The city people are you as excrement

But you just laugh and you sample them

Play them like instruments back

Perhaps flattery begs them to listen

Suddenly you're visible

Museum world—

Exhibitions

Entertainers

Comedians

Mice and men

Interesting remix

Should I even be in this language

Or should I make it more intimate

With melodies?

I hit play on a classic

And my peloton becomes the office

I'm suddenly at work, God

Petulance for relevance spanning generations

Thank you!

Still it takes enough to get it in to you

As out of you

Can't help t but agree to that

Eyeliner!

I like it thick around the freckles faces

And light ashy eyelashes

Over moonlike eyes

You know

I like it

Long hair!

Headliner!

Why am I inside you?

Better yet—

Why have I died?

Eyeliner, headliner

I like it thick around moonlight eyes

I like it

Old timer, headliner—

I like it thick around eyes like Zion

Eyeliner,

I like it

Ashes

You're the worst;

There are circle k's and 7/11s

How was my run on Broadway?

Who's the pope now?

I hope you choke now

There are subway central's

And sauces and really hard bosses to fight

But I don't want to

I'm in south central

And I'm still with you

From always to oblivion

I've been moving for at least an hour

But I have no power here

Drop a house on me

In the hills, if you will

And if the winds change,

There's still New York

What a page turner

I live at Rockefeller Plaza

There's an apartment above my office

There's a notebook

For every love I've ever known

In the oak

There's a something caliber gun in my slumber

I clutch with the crutches I took from the hospitals

Can't hop the turnsltyle now

Can't hop the turnstyle now

Hahaha

Who art thou,

Art monster

Who are you now that I care too much to notice

The problem was

The doves only flew up or a moment before landing on my shoulder

That was awkward

They were supposed to fly away

TV HOST

HEY!!!! HEY!!!! HEYYYYYYYY!

But which host is it?

All of them.

All of us are running for our lives

All of us are running after Carson, and Paar

All of us are stars,

But on polaroids not often captured

Gone and then away into disaster

That's the effect of the Cannon

Canon cameras?

James Canon?!

Laugh harder ‘cause you have to!

Laugh stronger cause the studio is frozen,

And you want to go home now!

It wasn't as fun as you thought

And the set is much smaller in real life

Now clap and hold for applause

Big smiles

Big smiles

Extra points if you run miles before you show up-

Now that's a shiny after thought;

Not your average robot

Or prototypical tourist!

No! A nonconformist and

Kimmel can't sing for shit,

So he can just hum this verse.

(Sorry, I peaked—

No homo)

Now, I dissect Holiday,

I was sure I inspired the Broadway show

But who doesn't inspire a rock opera

I conspire to conspire, umpire, emperor

I studies Agamemnon

I wasn't really sure but the frog in my throat said

Go on, go on—

So I just cried and stuck in my stomach harder

I don't want a

SETH MEYERS

I don't want a tuna sandwich!

Just–take the tuna sandwich.

Yeah, buddy!

SETH

I DON'T WANT A TUNA SANDWHICH

DO I LOOK LIKE EAT TUNA TO YOU?

Um.

JIMMY 1

Woah, I sense hostility

We can't see you—

CRAIG FERGUSON

And we don't know who you are, anyway.

COLBERT

Apparently “someone we know”

JIM 1

Tsh.

JIM 2

Psh.

SETH

ITS HOT IN THIS BOX.

Ooh, hotbox.

That sounds like a plan.

Dispensary delivery?

The move.

SETH

YO,

Dissection numero dos;

I think I know how to make those sounds

I think I have that reverb

I need herb

Or probably a new location

With no probes

It's only temporary

The peloton office

But I want a home

Me and my family aren't from here

Oh, look, more purple

— we just show up to rock

And then go somewhere farther

MEANWHILE…

Forgive me father for I have—

No.

What?

No. No.

What— why?

Just— no. Not you. Not today.

But—I have sinned!

Of course you have!

But father—

No.

What—?

Keep it to yourself.

But.

Excuse me.

{Enter The Multiverse)

—-

What super hero are you supposed to be?

“Malox Max”?!

Hehehehe!

THE COSMIC AVENGER

No!

Hehehehehehe!

THE COSMIC AVENGER

I'm— I'm “The Cosmic Avenger”!

What are you avenging?!

Montezuma's Revenge?!

THE COSMIC AVENGER

No— unjust—unjustice—ness.

[hysterical laughter ensues]

Somewhere in this world lies our story

Still true, I'm unsure what it is—

But the thing is, I'm sure this the one

Of the fables

I'm sure this the one of the songs

Of the psalms

Of the storied palms

This is the one of the cards

This sir

KIMMEL! KIMMEL! KIMMEL!

I'm sorry. I don't know who you are.

ITS ME. JIMMY.

I'm Jimmy.

I KNOW YOU'RE—

You're not Jimmy,

I'm JIMMY.

WHAT THE SNARF!

What's that? I can't hear you.

The tarot said to go against the grain;

I was told not to write this tale, but here I am

And suddenly the King has a tail,

Compliments of T-Mobile,

But as did the first one,

The first King, of Dogblood

Of first strikes

And first tears

And first scars,

Was no king,

But everything has meaning

The cherishire has eyed me

The spider has bitten

And then,

Envisionment minted

I should switch to mint mobile, but knowing

There's no real difference—

Their all old t-mobile tower;

But service with a Billionaire smile

Of Blake Lively and

False Idols.

I don't care, I guess

My mind has eyes like sun

But my heart has darkness

The absolutely most beautiful sunsets have

Wonders on drums

And numbers to call

The best of cocaine on the sidewalk

Was sidetracked

The best of New York was

Los Angeles,

And vice versa

I hope you took protocol into order

I hope you too profound effect and affinity

In profanity

There's no more

Infinite Fallon

It

Found a call

To programming

Wall to wall

To wall of shame

On Walmart

Better activate that trial

Before it's all gone

13 days and counting

And

A million ways to die in the west.

SETH MCFARLENE

look at me.

Ah, what the fuck dog.

SETH MCFARLENE

Oh, so you can hear me! You fuckin schizo!

I'm not a schizo

I'm in the Illuminati.

SETH MCFARLINE

The what?

The what?

SETH MCFARLENE

what's the password.

this isn't happening right now.

SETH MCFARLENE

That is correct. See you on the other side, you batshit crazy SonOfABitch.

What.

*poof*

I told you I could make you say my name.

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2018-2025

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

-U.™