“The smile is a big cloak which covers a multitude of pains.”

Pujya Shri Hanuman Prasad Poddar (1892-1971) presents the state of ‘Mahabhaav’ in Pad-Ratnakar 472 as-

नहीं चाहती जाने कोई मेरी इस स्थिति की कुछ बात।

Quite similar to this sublime expression, Saint Teresa of Calcutta wrote on April 8, 1957 –

“I want to smile even at Jesus & so hide if possible the pain & the darkness of my soul even from Him.”

A few months later, she said-

“Pray for me, pray that I may have the courage to keep smiling at Jesus. I understand a little the tortures of hell- without God. I have no words to express what I want to say and yet last Friday – knowingly and willingly I offered to Sacred Heart to pass even eternity in this terrible suffering, if this would give Him a little more pleasure. …. – I love Him – not for what He gives – but for what He takes.”    – (September, 1957)

“Sometimes I find myself saying “I can’t bear it any longer” with the same breath I say “I am sorry do with me what you wish.”   -(August, 1959)

In her retreat notes of the year 1959, Mother Teresa noted –

“Before there was so much love & real tenderness for the Sisters and the people- now I feel my heart is made of stone. Sometimes I am even harsh.”

On May 13, 1962 she wrote-

“How cold – how empty- how painful is my heart. – Holy Communion – Holy mass – all the Holy things of spiritual life- of the life of Christ in me- are all so empty- so cold- so unwanted. The physical situation of my poor left in the streets unwanted, unloved, unclaimed are the true picture of my own spiritual life, of my love for Jesus, and yet this terrible pain has never made me desire to have different.- what’s more, I want it to be like this for as long as He wants it.”

The letter dated July 24, 1967 provides the real insight into the above two observations-

“How painful it is to be without Him – how my thoughts are only the Sisters and the Poor. – Is this distraction or are these thoughts the cause of my praying? – They are my prayer they are my very life. – I love them as I love Jesus – and now as I do not love Jesus – I do not love them either. I know this is only feelings – for my will is steadfast bound to Jesus & so to the Sisters and the poor. … –

I love the mass of Sacred Heart for in the words of the offertory reecho the words of 10 September- “Will you do this for me.” This M.C. is only His work. I only accepted to do it for Him- … I am sure that once more He will come – before I die & and I will hear His voice.”

The relatable explanation for this kind of emotional flux in devotion –

https://forbeingalive.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/smrpn.mp3

So, she kept wondering at Him and every time surrendered anew-

“I don’t know what pleasure He can draw from this darkness. – I can’t express but I want it as He wants it. Only pray that I keep up the joy exteriorly. I deceive people with this weapon – even my Sisters. Why I ever spoke to you is a mystery to me – but I know that I could not refuse.”     – (January, 1961)

“I don’t need force myself to be happy or to keep up a smiling face to others. – I am very happy for the good God has given me one big grace – I have surrendered completely – I am at His disposal.”

“He wants to make sure to drain out of me every drop of self- so the darkness is so dark and the pain is so great but in spite of it all – my retreat resolution was the same-

“Sometimes the grip of pain is so great- that I can hear my own voice call out- My God, help me. …- I am just alone – empty – excluded – just not wanted. ..it is so painful to be lonely for God. Faithfully I have kept my retreat resolution- The greater the pain and darker the darkness, the sweeter will be my smile at God.- Pray for me that I may love Jesus.”     – (October, 1961)