“El Machina Caballero”

Wait, you're married to Catherine Heinowitz?

I was.

Like THE Heinowitz? As in Rebecca Heinowitz?

—Katie Heinowitz!

YES.

Like the guys who made Church Factory!

You're a Sasquatch.

I know.

All the TV people are smaller in person

In one way or another—

Live or behind the scenes

Believe me

The tv people need you

Just as much as

You need your TV

Please believe me

Everything is not what it seems to be

As Seen on TV

[The Tv People Theme Song]

Yes.

What is WRONG with you?

Something.

Marc Shultz?

I fucking guess.

You're Jewish?

If I wasn't before, I am now!

You can't be serious.

All I see

And all I am

Is you and I

Inside The Eye

___

This is mescaline.

Okay.

I take this when I get too—(he spins his finger) spun around, wound up.

I get that.

You want to go with me?

No, but I'll watch over you, at least.

That's all I ask.

Patrick and Esha under the guidance and guise of the eye are best friends, have become bound by blood in such a sacred oath that one does not function without the other, and although moving without restraint or restriction independently, grow magnetically and enigmatically together by force of nature, as we learn to understand that the connection precedes the bond by which the sacred oath has bound them, and also is…

Also is what! Goddamn!

Idk, lost my train of thought.

The irony of irony, is that Patrick tends to get away with his bizarre and off the wire behavior, because he is surrounded by people who love him for his talent and open heart— his downfall often being that the only person who doesn't love Patrick, is himself.

1-888-788-0099.

You know what DNA stands for?

Do not attempt to talk to me when I'm fasting.

I'm not in my body, almost at all.

Trying to get God to talk in English is like,

A task,

Do not attempt.

I don't know what channel you're on.

Ah, the dreads.

The olden ones seem to have known I was coming.

More coffee.

No, no coffee.

Breakfast is—

No,

I need you fasting for this.

For what.

Come on.

That's not my God.

You know what. I know that. Your God is money.

Go back to California!

I WISH, if I could have an apartment like this in California, I would have been gone, however

There is a lot of love in New York.

That's the reason it's still standing up.

When is this?

I don't know.

Couldn't have gone too far back, you know—

I was still at least 3 days in

And three days out,

And completely full of shit,

Which must mean I'm

WHERE'S JIMMY FALLON.

I'm Jimmy Fallon.

No, the REAL Jimmy Fallon.

Go, quickly.

Yes, sire!

You know, I'll scratch your eyes out.

That might take a long time;

I have eyes all over this city.

Uh, line?

Come, ishii, and Quickly.

How did I spell that again?

One way, or another,

All the series are going to collide with all the series,

At some point!

Listen, Emmitt…

Yes.

I'm going to need you to explain this experiment to me.,,very—simply.

It is simple! You know this!

I know this trick!

Follow me.

I need a safety.

I'm oooh, shiny!

Whatever. Come on.

This is FUCKED UP

THIS IS FUCKED UP

THIS IS FUCKED UP

FUCKED UP

TRUMP CITY, USA

Just fucking kill me.

SETH.

Rogen, or Myers?

Both of you.

What?

Really?

Yes.

Okay.

GO,

So you know all this to be true, right?

Yes.

Correct,

So if you know that,

Then you know I'm not the real Jimmy Fallon…

Exactly.

I trusted you!

Trusted me for WHAT.

Not to LOOK.

Look.

No.

Look at me.

NO.

Oh good, the piano bar.

I told you she was gay.

I'm not gay, I'm just.

Please, just one drink with me.

NO, Satan, Jesus.

Okay, Jesus, relax.

Quit saying your own name.

I OWN YOU.

You are my SLAVE.

Okay. That's….

That's not okay!

You killed my boss!

Is this like a 3D thank you card, or something?

He writes my checks!

Did you check his pockets?

Severance pay, maybe.

How many days is this fasting?

I don't know, maybe like

1, 2

Two days? I can do that.

Three hundred and 80

MESSAGES.

Hey, this is—

BEEEEEEP.

Messages erased!

Hey! What the fuck!

You can't have these things, Jimmy!

That's just my stage name!

Listen to me

Was it Connie?! I hope it was Connie!

JUST—SHUT UP.

Come with me.

Why r u following me?!

GARY! GARY! SAVE ME!

Okay, this is strange, but the subtle SpongeBob references in this series

Now make everything crazy.

If I kill myself today, you know, he wins at everything.

Why would I kill myself on my wedding anniversary.

Why would you kill yourself on my birthday.

Cause,

Plus One,

Because, Johnny, I loved you—

And I never told you that.

Actions speak louder than words.

Way, way louder.

This is a class action lawsuit from

96 celebrities.

What are you suing me for?!

Nothing?!

MY CORNBREAD RECIPE?!

SERIOUSLY?!

Who the fuck is driving this thing?

It's not me, actually.

You should ask the conductor—

I'm just having an out of body experience.

Okay, that cop did look like Dillon Francis.

I thought Dillon Francis was Satan.

I thought so too, but then—

NICOLAS?!

AHAHAHAH.

Oh no! He's taken another hostage.

Yep.

Poor thing!

NICKELODEON

WOULD YOU DO THIS.

Uhhhh—- maybe

DOUBLE DARE.

FUCK, MAN!

Okay, whose driving?!

Satan, take the wheel for a second.

Okee.

*instantly crashes*

Instant death!

Instant infinity—

Dammit.

I'm telling you, god is actually winning this thing.

WHERE IS HE?!

Jim, get out of New York City,

Take your family,

Take everything with you.

Okay.

I'm—

Wait WHAT.

What did you just say?!

Nothing,

I'll kill you, you know.

GOOD.

Hello?

This is the Illuminati speaking.

Okay.

Meet me at.

What is this,

I don't know.

The Heineken factory?!

I'll give you $36 dollars, every time you say.

Why are you doing this?

I don't know:

That's right! You don't know!

Are the eyes in yet?

Not yet.

Are the headmasters here?

Almost.

Great. This is going to be a great project—

I CANT DYSFUNCTION.

Don't you mean.

You can't “function “

Well—

Yes, and no—

It's just

MY EYEs!

MY EYES DONT WORK.

But it's amazing, it's almost as if—

You know what.

I like these traits.

I'm keeping them.

NO, LET ME GO.

No, little man.

Stay in the box, like you're supposed to—

Oh and—

NO, DONT SHUT ME—

imm not shutting you off. I'm just turning the volume—doooown..

No, wait—

(But quiet)

Ya. I also wish I was white.

YUCK.

What am I doing like this?

Idk. Kill yourself.

Right? I wish.

BLACK IS BEAUUUUUTIFUL.

Yeah. It is. But—

Look, don't—

Avoid these creatures.

Hey baby!

wtf is he saying.

Idk. I think he speaks English.

Switch to English.

Uhhh, who am I again.

The band made her smile,

But the dancer made her laugh.

She liked the band;

But the dancer made her laugh

The band made her happy,

But the dancer made her laugh

I don't follow a man, unless—

The music, yes.

Follow that.

He's got my heart in his hand

And she's got the world in her eyes

And he's got his hands on my heart

The sermon of sorts,

The rock and the kite

THE FOURTH REIGHT HAS RISEN!

THE SOUTH WILL RIIIIIIIIIIIIZE

OH SHIT, I almost forgot this guy

WILL FERAL.

lol.

That actually happened.

You shouldn't fast like this

City sickness, city sickness

Perhaps you should move to Ohio, dear matron, if all you can say is

Words with hatred

When I loved you in the first place.

Hey, Satan.

But I just couldn't take it

The white devil had his day in my

Spiritual Parisian

The nuptial edits.

The wedding band,

Remote controls and

Architects

Sages and pages of

Architects

Art directors,

Casting agents

And I just can't handle it

I just need managers

Booking,

Writing books

And keeping close tabs

On their dialects

Who dialed you in God

9/11

Who dialed you in on 420

The devil himself

And my mom must have warned them

She warned them with

Fireball

A cannon

Never had a

Catastrophe

You summoned her, didn't you?!

WHO? Which—

My MOM!

No, MAYA, actually no!

You did!

You

I did not

Look, SEYONCE wants you to dance with her.

Dance? I can't.

That is tragic.

He's a GOD, I tell you that!

Did I tell you that?!

Now, fist bump the trash can.

Nah.

Dammit.

Fuck, man.

Yes, I win!

That one scene where Patrick sells all of esha's guitsrs—

You sold all my stuff?!

What is that, anyway?l

Liked”, a shrine!!?!

What?! Fuck you!

—fuck you.

I'm a collector!

Well, guess what?!

Now you're a contributor—

What?!

You want your precious, fuckin—

It's a collection

Yeah, well your collection is sitting in an exhibit at your favorite musical in Manhattan

How would you know what's my favorite—

—let's just say I guessed —

Fantastic.

you—

I donated them.

You what—

You don't have to thank me, either—

One day, that museum will be honored and redededicsted entirely in your namesake

I fucking hate you,

How would you even know these things.

Somethings you've yet to see,

But I've seen them, and believe me

The Eye is Aching for it

For what?

The tears in his eyes have turned into l glowing halos, and the whole world becomes something other than what it was, the office, fading into what seems to be a single soundstagec and as the halos in his eyes begin to transform into other worlds, the present becomes the past, as he has been altered—to becom The One; the original Predecessor of The Eye.

I don't—

What show is this?

I don't know.

[The Festival Project]

…did you dream last night, Esha?

…what do you mean?

Did you dream?

I did dream of him,

Last night

Two dreams I dreamed

A weeklong song, I sung

An aching heart I woke with

I KNEW THERE WAS HONEY IN THIS.

—just—hold onto this for a minute, would you?

Sure, I—

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So that's where I left it. Hm.

THE VEGAN VERSION USES AGAVE AND ROASTED—

shhhhhh. This is my recipe now.

My secret recipe.

Don't spoil it.

Sh!

OH, ROASTED—

ssh!

I'm shook.

Oh look. There he is again.

Fuck!, dude how did you do this?!

I don't know!

Run!

SHOOT HIM.

what.

Just—

Shoot him.

I got the gangstas

With the pizzas

YEET.

No, try something else.

What, you don't like this one?

No, it's not-

I YEETS THE PIZZA

I EATS THE PIZZA

Oh, apparently they were Lizzing at this shit yesterday.

For WHAT purpose. That's not funny.

Remember:

Comedy is always tragic—

What.

What's this.

Oh, that is funny,

When it isn't you.

It's true.

It did seem my baby at one point had a death wish.

Oh, look,

Yay.

Go baby!

You're doin it!

Woo!

Now watch this:

[baby attempts to run into oncoming traffic ]

Mommy

NOOOO!

Haha.

I remember those days.

My baby fever is out of control.

LOOK AT HIM

W0000000W

LOOK AT THESE JEANS

YUM.

LOOK AT THESE

hair, he has nice hair.

Try not to scare her:

AH.

Fuck.

Yikes.

Okay, I can't see again, which means.

I'M BLIND!

She took— MY EYEBALLS.

Here, use mine.

Thanks, uhh—

Satan.

Oh, thanks Sa—

Wait.

But my friends and fans call me

SKRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL

THATS THE X!

What?! THATS YOUR X?!

NO.

WELL, yes, but

THATS “THE X”

Aw, man.

What the fuck, God.

I swear, an extra small

And I'm still too fat

Let's go to McDonald's

I LOVE MCDONALDS

OH.

Hey.

Oh, I remember this it's

EXIT

NO

EXIT NOW, before my

*before my life gets hacked.

lol fuck these fags.

Seriously, it's like

Well, I'm on my own time

NY

YOURE ON MY TIME

YOURE ON CITY TIME

YEh, exactly.

This is

NO, THIS IS MY TIME

always let the white girls go ahead of you;

They're trying to be angrily mean and flamboyant, but trust this;

She's going to tell you how rough the waters are by taking the journey before you

And though she will not show it

Maybe ever

She loves you

As her sister

As a woman

Okay, you little black bitch

Am I little now, the other day I was FAT

8mm

I'm gonna kill you.

Great, my life is ruined.

Ok. I just want like

Cereal

Some English muffins

Like,

Oatmeal,

Quinoa, I don't care

Whatever

This ruins you, you know.

That's ok. I'd rather be killed by every white girl in the Illuminati, than by my ex husband again.

Seriously, is this not torture to you?

It is, it's just

This is MY magic.

That's the—that's the white devil, it's pretty much,

I told you this

lol

I love New York

This white girl—

I actually liked her

She was a bag lady,

Uptown,

You could tell she was just-/

Stuck in this fucked up world too long,

Cause I smiled at her,

Cause I liked her

Crackheadedness, I guess

But you could tell she wasn't on crack

Cause she didn't have the crack swagger

You know, the—

*crack swaggers*

That shit.

And she was just like

Cracked.

Probably cause she lived uptown.

I personally prefer anything below. 80th

She was somewhere like, Above 96th,

And I was just like—

Lost, with no phone, on God Mode like

Well, my eyes don't work and I no longer speak proper English,

I'm some kind of bird, I guess

And I'm lost as fuck

Taking the extra long way home because,

I was literally trying to go

One fucking place

On what is literally the worst day in history:

4/20

Not only because it was Hitler birthday,

Or because everyone is now smoking like government funded weed,

Which could never be a good thing—

But because the only train,

Or one of the only train lines

That goes directly from this one place to my house

Was just— magically

“Out” that day

Cause, you know—

New York City.

And this lady gets on the train,

Just fucking rambling,

And I laughed—

Actually out loud,

Because,

I left my house at like 10 in the morning

And I didn't get back until almost midnight,

Just trying to get to this one place

and like—

Couldn't.

Or, actually by the time I did

I was just—

So fucking hungry

That everything around me

Was some kind of

Something I made up

Or was working on writing—

This also happens when I'm fasting

Everything just turns in to

[the festival project]

Which I thought

Nobody else in the world even knew or cared about except for God

And the aliens that have been writing it—

Which is usually

Come on.

Where are we going?

“Staples”

EXT. ONE WORLD TRADE CENTER. DAY

AWTF

NO.

They put his NAME on a BUS.

Why would they do THAT?!

If you're a whole bus,

Then I must be the motor…

Satan is my motor

His name on a building—

Oh hell no.

This is the wrong place and time

Something is wrong!

NO.

FUCK THAT GUY

FUCK THIS DAY.

Just —

Dissociate! Dissociate!

Uhhh—-

I gotta go back in time and stop myself from getting married.

Why?!

Cause!

Everything is his now.

We like him better than you.

NOOOOOO.

KILL YOURSELF THEN.

I tried.

I was like

“Look, Ali”

He was like:

“Over here”

Oh.

EXT. ST PAUL'S CEMETARY, DAY.

Where you going?

Idk.

What is that sound.

Idk.

ELON

ALIAS?

Uhh__

I don't have an alias for you, son, I'm sorry.

You're just

ELON MUSK

ELON! ELON!

Oh, my—christs, what's happened to you?

I don't know!

My eyes! My eyes!

Mmmmm.

Rye bread sounds fucking awesome right now.

Tight.

*sniffs*

Tight. Tight.

WHOOPDEWOO.

Yep.

You know—WHOOPDEWOO.

WHOOPDE—

WHOOPI.

What the FUCK. WHAT. I was.

Well. That's good.

What.

I don't know what I'm looking at but

I'm starting to like these eyes.

What! Whose eyes are these??

Idk. But once I found out I was using Satan's—

WAIT, like, the DEVIL?!

Yes, Jason Sudakis.

yes.

You can come.

Where are we going?!

To get alcohol poisoning.

There is a song

Kissing the barrel of a gun

Protect the land, they sing

However,

It is he that banishes

The truth from nature

The apocalypse has been upon us

Since the collapse of these mighty towers

The collapse of the mighty dollar

I'ma still

Riding MY

BICI—

BLAM!

AHHHHH!

You shot me!

I'm sorry son! I thought you were black!

I am—

Kinda—

Or was.

*dies melodramatically*

NOOOOOOOO!

We shot one of our own!

—Kinda…

Fuck man,

I'm gonna get so fired for this.

Or like, at least laid off…

Well, let's just hope it's a paid leave!

[two racist cops—

Ahem—

Decide rather than going to jail, they will just shoot anybody who comes to the scene of the crime

Damn, this gets levels

Cause

—to summarize, eventually the standoff ends,

And when they get to heaven

The kid they shit is God(s)

“God The Judge”

Welcome to my world

The only law of the land, is

There is no law

Bound by the law,

Is the land you've let behind

All for the better

The lost souls

They know not to harm one another

From the suffering,

It's up they come

From whence there on,

We rise up

Leave them in the dust

From behind

Let's to suffer under us

Suffer under us

You know what I want?

A malotov cocktail

For all of the tales

I have yet to tell

And I never will

Cause you've lost my trust

There's none of us left you know

Where we left you

The world we left to suffer under us

Serivice, you servitor

I see it in your eyes

I am in another realm

So high above you

That you can't deny my diety

You can deny my animal

My wild side

My life inside my life inside my

DIE!

—just die already

Trust me, I'm trying.

I'm just a horse I,

Race—-

—Course

These nigga is racist

These bitches is heated

Cause she see I need him

It's all DJs on walls

Broken mirrors

And broken bottle

Alcoholics

Mescaline

And city sickness

[Esha's addictions resurface, Patrick's use peaks at its all time high— ]

She ravages the grocery store in search of comfort foods—

Patrick is arrested after destroying an entire Liquor store

I just had to

Run a Madonna

Why you thinking about my husband— at all!?

I wish I knew, madam

I wish I knew the answer

I just had to

Suffer through

An album called

Forgiveness

I got get this

I don't have nothin

But suffering to do

And I've already done that so,

Shut up

I couldn't have ever fathomed

A cannon so handsom

I have a bazooka

Bubblegum

It matches you cannon

See,

That's how far up I am—

Fall back

That be

Of course not

That's his father,

Don't you know?

I had to ask,

Have you passed on, sir?

And if you have—

How is your son?

That's my hat, though

I only know them

Once they become broken

No promises though

On the whole order of it

See how far

This is my home

This is my temple

You are my archer,

Who holds now and arrows

These are my horses

These are my stables

Run, rabbit, run

For I am not stable

Run, rabbit, run, rabbit

Sit at my table

All hail the archer

King James, your majesty

I called you Saint,

Because,

This is my masterpiece

This is my hand,

And this, is my label

Come archer

Come one and all

Sit at my table

I called you Saint

Because I am unstable

I painted this picture,

Come sit at my table

A land made of glass,

And the casket, the cradle

I made you up, because

I became able to

Ableton

I only hate you

Cause I can't have you

I'd only date you

If it weren't random

Damn, this is tragic

Taking my hand like that

Showing me magic

I'm not taking it back;

You're a maniac, man

And imm mad at you—

Handsome professional

Dads have it best

I guess father know best

And she's perfect

The family is golden

Her aura was always my horrible

An honor it was

To serve, you, sire

The patriarch

Of such a remarkable

War with us

The hers, and the girls

Vursus,

Woman lust over what are overuses are

Sure enough

Assuredly a certain

Azure after all, is coming up

I'm coming off this fast, man

But to be grandfathered into

The master craft

By the madmen of

Manhattan

Is

Damn.

I was hungry.

Well DUH.

Just shut up and run, would you

Shouldn't have uttered it

Once is a curse,

It's enough

Just to be as unloved as I ever was

But this one is fucking up my consciousness

Of all the award I never won

And everyone around

Is the mother of his sons

But,

Where does that come from?

The comfort was torn from her heart,

Where she left it,

On the alter,

Still bleeding

And his heart never beats for her

Evil, she thinks

If the keeper of the keys

She had bathed/

Or had mated with—

But she sees this:

“Stamatina”

And know there's some Jesus

In this Genius

And the trickery

That just may be as fatal

As Mother Nature

In his genes,

The super creeps and creperies

Another demolished apostle

For falling in love,

She collects, of cours

Albums as tokens

In the exchanges, she lays all her eggs

The jogs toning her legs for the right one,

And all out of protein

She gobbles the apples and ashes,

Ambidextrous

Dexters watching all this as the butcher of

Some harbor

Stuck in New York,

New story,

With the same old habits

All this was a tragic

And unhappy accident

As cellibacy creeps up

In the form of

Some imaginative masturbation

Fascinated with the fashion

And architecture of summon city

A portal gun,

One dollar bill

Some pills

Some fuckin remedy for

Whoever that shapeshifter

Posing as Jimmy Fallon

Actually is

Cause none of this

Can never

And never did happen

And.

When your spirit is floating down that tunnel towards the light—

You know what's behind the light?

It's not God, it's—

LORNE MICHAELS

(ME)

Uh oh.

—and I don't know how you did this, but—

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

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