Merry Christmas, everyone!

[Verse 1]

Chestnuts roasting, phones on fire

Caller says “I just need a quote” (liar)

Hold music slaps like it’s 2003

“Your call is very important” — allegedly

Coffee’s dead, patience thin

CRM spinning like “log in again”

Snow outside, chaos within

Welcome to Christmas in the call center, friend

[Pre-Chorus]

We’ve got fake snow

Fake cheer

But the problems are very real this year

[Chorus]

All I want for Christmas

Is a booked call

Not a “just checking prices,” not a voicemail stall

I don’t need cookies, I don’t need cheer

I need dispatch open and a tech nearby here

Deck the halls with AHT

Fa-la-la-la-la, please don’t yell at me

If your heat turns on by the end of the night

You’re welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Click five stars.

[Verse 2]

“Can you come today?”

“Yes, but let’s define ‘today.’”

“Why is there a dispatch fee?”

Because gas costs money and so do we

Membership pitch? Tasteful, light

Like eggnog with a little bite

Not upselling joy, just keeping it real

You want heat? Cool. Here’s the deal.

[Pre-Chorus]

No carolers

No sleigh

Just someone saying “We can be there today”

[Chorus]

All I want for Christmas

Is a booked call

A real decision, not a maybe-text-fall

I don’t need silence, I don’t need peace

I need a customer who’s ready to proceed

Deck the halls with QA notes

Fa-la-la-la-la, please don’t quote Yelp

If your water’s hot and your pipes don’t fight

You’re welcome.

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

[Bridge (Spoken, deadpan)]

This is not a Hallmark movie.

This is a strip mall.

At 7:43 PM.

With a frozen sewer line.

And yes

We can still help you.

Breakdown

Empathy’s not “I understand”

It’s “I’ve got this, here’s the plan”

No script angels, no soft glow

Just competence with a festive bow

[Final Chorus (Bigger, Dumber, Louder)]

All I want for Christmas

Is a booked call

A clean address and a yes-that’s-all

No ghosting, no “I’ll call you back”

It’s Christmas Eve, we both know that’s cap

So light the tree, pour the wine

We’ll keep the phones alive

If your house survives the night

Thank a CSR

Who skipped delight

[Outro]

Phones go quiet.

Queue hits zero.

Someone microwaves leftover ham.

Another Christmas saved

By people you’ll never see.

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