Episode 26. Comparative suffering is the act of ranking our pain against others' pain. For example, someone who is going through a tough breakup might see their pain as worse than someone who is stressed about getting a bad grade in a class, but less bad compared to someone experiencing poverty and homelessness. I'll say it right away: comparative suffering does not benefit anyone. In this episode we are going to delve into why that is and what to do instead. This also relates to our topic for next week which is all about why and how sharing our stories is so powerful. Comparative suffering is often a major barrier to doing so. Let's dive in!

Want to get some background on what this podcast is ALL about? Check out the Foundational Episodes of the Motivation Made Podcast here!

Introduction: What is this podcast all about?Episode 1: Want to Get & Stay Motivated? A Crash Course on Motivation, Weight Loss, and HealthEpisode 2: How Dieting Steals Our MotivationEpisode 3: How To Get Motivated To Improve Your Health (Motivation 101)Episode 4: How to Transform Health Fears Into Forward Progress

What is Comparative Suffering?

Comparative suffering is all about evaluating our current pain against others and deciding which one ranks higher and therefore is more "deserving" of being felt.

Have you ever said:

"But so many people have it worse than me, I feel bad for even mentioning it."

"I feel like I'm just whining and complaining."

"I have it so good in the grand scheme of things, I should just be grateful."

I get it. I did this all the time in the past. A LOT. I STILL do it, and frankly, I'm actively working on this. Just this past week I realized how much shame I had about my frustration with my core muscles after childbirth. But my immense shame came from the fact that I know some women cannot have children even when they desperately want to.

Even as I write this, I feel the need to justify to you all, my listeners, how incredibly grateful I am for my children and how I'd take a lifetime of a non-functional core for them. I still feel guilty and bad, like I'm "complaining" about it.

But here's the thing. No one benefits from my unaddressed shame. Literally no one. Not the women who have what I view as potentially worse pain to cope with. In fact, if my pain and guilt is unaddressed, I might be less emotionally available and present when I have the opportunity to listen and support them.

Understanding Your Struggle by Understanding Your Past

Many times in therapy, I hear people say, "gosh, I feel bad even saying this, but it might be easier if I had a more objectively difficult past". Like, if I had significant trauma in my past, then maybe I'd be able to give myself empathy more readily because I'd feel like my pain was more valid.

Not only is this quite unlikely to be true, as most therapists who have worked with people across the spectrum of various "amounts" of trauma can tell you; But even if it were true, from a deep down practical level, is NOT acknowledging or validating your pain helping you?

No One Wins from You Not Acknowledging Your Pain

The more I continue in this field and interact with people inside and outside of therapy, and reflect on my own experiences, the more I realize that not only does one benefit from you acknowledging and validating your pain, but the world NEEDS you to do so.

The world needs you to show up as your full authentic self in courageous ways.

This might be to fight for just causes, or to show up vulnerably and authentically in the relationships that matter most to you.

The truth is, not validating and acknowledging your pain might feel slightly less uncomfortable in the moment than acknowledging it and moving through it, but truly no one is benefitting.

Typically, our unacknowledged pain comes out as anger, depression, and anxiety, and it negatively affects us and the ones around us. It keeps us living small, not fully seen,