In the premiere episode of The Dark Mark Network, Mathalzar Lestrange and his overly enthusiastic house-elf Grizzle sit down with none other than Vernon Dursley—a man on a mission. Fresh from his shocking decision to sue Harry Potter for property damage post-war, Vernon recounts the rubble-filled return to Privet Drive, his confusion over magical property insurance, and his unlikely alliance with solicitor Pius Thicknesse (whom he still believes is a muggle lawyer).

Mathalzar relishes every moment, subtly applauding Thicknesse’s “ruthless efficiency” while ignoring Vernon’s insistence that he’s just after compensation. Grizzle, meanwhile, offers unhelpful sympathy and asks far too many questions about tongue injuries.

Expect dark humor, bureaucratic horror stories, and Mathalzar’s sincere suggestion that Vernon adopt a dark wizard as his personal legal adviser.

In short: this is the lawsuit no one expected, and Vernon Dursley is (reluctantly) at the heart of it.