I've sat across from CEOs who carry the exact same internal architecture as a 10-year-old who won't raise his hand in class. The vocabulary is different and the stakes are higher, but underneath it's running on the same mechanism.
Here's what I mean by that.
Picture anxiety and confidence as two ends of the same seesaw. When anxiety goes up, confidence comes down, because confidence has less room to exist.
When confidence is present, anxiety has less room to operate. I've been using this metaphor for two decades now, and it has held up across every age and every context I've ever worked in.
Most of us assume that seesaw belongs to childhood, and that somewhere along the way you grow out of it and arrive somewhere solid. That hasn't been my experience in 20+ years of this work.
In teenagers, it shows up as identity work. There's a question running underneath everything they do, whether or not they've ever said it out loud, and the question is who am I, and is that person acceptable.
Anxiety at that age disguises itself as attitude, as withdrawal, or as an intense need for social approval.
In adults, it gets quieter, which in some ways makes it more dangerous, because we get very good at hiding it.
Adult anxiety frequently looks like overworking, perfectionism dressed up as high standards, OR like the person who can't delegate, can't rest, and can't receive a compliment without immediately deflecting it.
I've worked with people who would never in a hundred years describe themselves as anxious, and who in fact were, but they were managing it with strategies that were extremely effective and exhausting.
Confidence gets misread in the same way. We tend to picture it as loud, as the most certain person in the room, as someone who walks in and commands it.
Real confidence, the kind that holds up under actual pressure, is much quieter than that. It's the capacity to admit when you don't know something, to take honest feedback without spiralling, and to fail at something without that failure destroying your self-worth. It's the ability to know you're still worthy regardless of the need to "prove it" to anyone.
Inside this conversation, I walk you through:
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Why anxiety and confidence sit on two ends of the same seesaw at every age
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How anxiety disguises itself in teenagers, and why the stakes climb as the audience grows
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What adult anxiety actually looks like, and why high standards are so often the disguise
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What real confidence looks like, which is far quieter than most of us picture
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The moment anxious energy stops fuelling performance and starts sabotaging it
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Why the intervention with elite performers is almost never about building more skill
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Dr. Shyamala Kiru is a former psychotherapist of 20 years and the founder of Kiru Psychotherapy Clinic and the Cognitive Freedom Method™.
Through her work in leadership development, practitioner training, and clinical practice (now retired), she teaches a structured framework for understanding and transforming the cognitive patterns that shape how we think, lead, and relate.
📘 The Emotionally Intelligent Woman Available on Amazon and Chapters Indigo
🎧 The Dr. Shyamala Show Listen on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
Learn more at:
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Grab Our Free Parenting Guide: https://drshyam.myflodesk.com/parenting-guide
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https://kirupsychotherapy.com
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https://www.cognitive-freedom.com/
Real freedom begins when you understand your mind.
Where to Connect:
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My Clinic: Kiru Psychotherapy: https://kirupsychotherapy.com
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Learn More About The Cognitive Freedom Method™: https://www.cognitive-freedom.com/
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LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-shyamala-kiru-4a853aa5/
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INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/iam.drshyam/
