In my early 20’s, I was heavily involved in a church. I used to volunteer 20+ hours a week! While it’s crazy to look back and think that I spent that much time with a church, I am grateful for the time I spent there.

It wasn’t all rainbows 🌈 and butterflies 🦋 though.

I volunteered my time as a musician and at one point, I became the lead worship leader. In the Christian scene, this was a big deal. Just like any system, there was a hierarchy in this church and as someone who was an influential individual in the organization, I had a part in the hierarchy.

In that hierarchy, there was a music director who was essentially my boss.

During one of our meetings, I confided that I was having a hard time with a girl. I was going through a break up and I felt depressed. I remember him saying the right words, words I wanted to hear but there was zero empathy. He didn’t feel present to my pain.

This boss was a good person and he was doing his best at the time, and yet, I can’t deny the fact that there was a missed opportunity to connect with me.

A few years later, I worked at a startup. It had only been a few weeks and I was feeling imposter syndrome. That phrase didn’t exist before but I knew something felt off. My wife was also a few weeks into her first pregnancy, so I was feeling the stress of a lot of recent transitions. New job, new dad, new location, and new boss.

During a 1:1 with my new boss, I confided that I was not feeling like myself. I was considering going to therapy or coaching and I asked for his support. His response was worse than the musical director.

It was silence.

There was zero acknowledgment.

I remember that there was maybe a nod and then we probably moved on to the next topic on our list.

Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor says that,

“We undervalue the emotional labor of being a good boss. It’s not just part of being a good boss. It’s the KEY to being a good boss.”

Was I looking for my bosses to be my therapist?

No.

Was I expecting them to solve my problem for me?

No.

I wanted empathy.

I wanted a couple moments, maybe a few seconds, of them being present with the vulnerability I’ve just shared. Even if they didn’t understand what I was going through, I wanted them to believe me and be willing to support me.

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If you watch the Brené Brown series on HBO, Atlas of the Heart (she wrote a book with the same title), you’ll see her emphasize this at the end of the first episode. She says that we don’t do a good job of listening to each other when we’re vulnerable AND we don’t believe each other when we speak our truths. We hesitate to believe others’ difficult experiences because we’re too vested into our own reality and believing the other would threaten the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves.

That’s what happened with my previous bosses. My reality threatened whatever comfortable worlds they built.

Connect With Yourself to Connect With Others

The last ten years have been absolutely transformative for me. I’ve stepped into commitments that have required some intense shadow work. Getting married, becoming a father, and choosing the professional coaching path have all deepened me.

The therapy and coaching work have all given me access to the fullness of my being. I am more connected to my wholeness than ever before. And it’s empowered me to be of service to others.

I can more immediately recognize and create space for fear. For hurt. For doubt. For pain. For uncertainty.

Although this inner work is never over, I’ve been able to be more receptive to what Joseph Campbell calls as, my True Self. The one that’s been there all along. It’s like in Frozen 2, when Elsa found out that who she was looking for the entire time was herself. It’s the hero’s path.

Brené talks about this path. To the extent that we connect deeply with ourselves is the extent that we’ll connect with others. Both don’t happen in silo from one another. They happen simultaneously, in parallel with each other.

Your path will look different than mine.

Whatever vocation you pour yourself into will require this shadow work. There is just no other way around it and the invitation to a deeper experience of who you are will always show up.

That’s the other thing about this path to connecting with yourself. It’s always an invitation. It never imposes. It also isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s easier to build a world of comfort and then just stay there. There’s no need to go anywhere else.

But if you answer your hero’s journey, know that while there will be challenges ahead, there is aliveness on the other side.

If you resonate with the tonality of this message, then on some level, you’re already on the path. A simple 1:1 with your direct report, a meal with your partner or playing pretend with your kiddo will have more meaning on this path. They are all opportunities to connect. To feel. To be with someone. To sit with them.  And at the same time, be with the vastness of your humanity.

My friends, I hope you take on the challenge of this emotional burden of leadership in all arenas of your life.

May you be brave.

May you be vulnerable.

May you listen and believe.

And may you be childlike along the way.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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