The Empowered Catholic Podcast

We are not OK with it

I'm coming to realize that there are people that believe that they don't deserve compassion. As you sit there, you might think that's ridiculous because you know that God made each of us, so of course, we deserve compassion.

But then you start digging down into some specific situations and particular circumstances and you find, if you dig enough, that you believe you don't deserve compassion in some area of life. Like the time you made a mistake or you acted poorly or went even farther astray than that. All of a sudden you are thinking, since I am like X, I don't deserve compassion.

That's baggage. There's a belief and some emotion hanging out with it. That baggage is interfering with the action of grace. Makes it harder for grace to penetrate you.

A large part of why we do what we do at The Catholic Midlife is that we have come to recognize the layers of the human person, the way they all work together, and the way that the mental and emotional life, and you could call it the unconscious life, is very connected with what's going on in our spiritual life.

There's a lot of research that says it's connected to what's going on in our physical life and in our bodies too.

These false beliefs, these mental patterns that cut us off from healing, that interfere with God's action in our lives… It's, it's very sad.

We're not okay with it.

We're gonna do something about it. We are doing something about it. It's a reason that we are here, now, in The Catholic Midlife podcast.

Mental Emotional Release (MER)

We offer a process called Mental Emotional Release (MER).

Because we all have baggage. It ranges from uncomfortable, annoying, to burdensome, to crushing and paralyzing.

MER is a process that uses the language of the unconscious mind to release baggage. It speaks to your conscious and unconscious mind at the same time. Your conscious mind understands what's happening, and because communication is simultaneously easy for the unconscious to understand, you can work with both at the same time. That's why it's fast, powerful, and effective.

MER is another way to find the release of baggage so healing and moving on can happen faster and more completely. Prayer and seeking to understand how your own baggage manifests are complementary ways of getting to the same thing. We pray we think, we consult with others, and we act.

MER is for you if :

• You don't want to re-experience negative emotions as you seek healing
• You feel unresolved guilt, anger, sadness, fear, or hurt from past events that you are unable to release
• You ruminate on current or past situations and wish you could just let go of them
• You desire to act on certain things in your life and avoid or get blocked in creating the change you want
• You find yourself getting 'triggered' or responding in an unwarranted way to present situations
• You feel burdened by heavy emotions like fear, anxiety, or discouragement
• You can't move on in your life and you don't know how to change that
• You struggle to establish new habits or behaviors and keep falling back into old patterns
• You've resigned yourself to the fact that "this is just the way I am, I don't like it but I can't change it"
• You have a chronic illness, phobias, or allergies; these are often made worse by your thoughts and emotions
• You are holding onto deep unconscious beliefs that drive your behavior, such as I don't have what it takes, I'm not worthy, I'm stupid

What clients have to say

"Before my Breakthrough Session of MER, I described my stress level as a 9 out of 10 due to the severity of my medical situation. After meeting with Karen, my stress level was a 2. I am feeling grounded and have released my anxiety. Thank you, Karen, I am so grateful!"

"I've tried so many different avenues, and this is the single most helpful thing I've ever done."

"The body keeps the score."

–Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk

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Your unconscious mind is in charge of creating and executing your habits! Habits include your thoughts and emotions. Brushing your teeth is a habit. So is the way you manage conflict. Your style of talking to yourself is also a habit - what's your self-talk like? Is it mostly positive? Negative? Some things just "set you off", right? Those "things" are triggers that cause a habit to kick in.

Habits of the mind are very powerful. These are typically a huge factor in how much we enjoy life, how effective we are, and whether or not our spiritual values can permeate the "rest of us," such as our mental and emotional realms.

The good news is that habits of the mind are behaviors. And they are habits like other habits. Like all habits, habits of the mind have several steps in most situations. Knowing what all the steps are is a good place to start. Knowing the steps, you can start to change one or more of the steps.

Listen to pick up some tips!

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Your unconscious mind does some powerful and amazing things for you. . .but how do you get it on board with who you're trying to be and where you're trying to go? Get some tips on working with your elephant and talking to it the way it likes to be talked to–because after all, your unconscious mind is YOU and it can also be your very best friend.

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We are going to share a metaphor with you about how your mind works and suggest a couple of ways for you to manage yourself with more grace.

The ancients knew that teaching wisdom involved touching the heart and the mind. Here are a couple of examples: "It is better to obey the Lord and to have only a little than to be very rich and terribly anxious." And "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Modern minds are so deeply enmeshed in scientific materialism that we're not even aware of it. It colors everything we do. Scientists reduce complex phenomena to know the fewest possible true things - that's scientific parsimony.

We are always boiling complexity down to a few logical, abstract concepts. It's a reduction of reality down to abstract ideas. It's a very powerful approach.

It's hard for you not to constantly do this.

It's also a disaster when it's used to try to understand love, God, virtue, beauty, or basically anything that's really important.

The heart helps us understand these really important things - the sorts of things that can't be reduced to a few abstract concepts.

Our Western mindset, however, separates the "mind" and the "heart." We want to logic our way through everything. We want the church to tell us exactly what rules to follow. (Thanks, Paul, for the law of life-in-the-spirit-of-the-messiah (Romans 8) but now let's get down to business, so tell us exactly what law to follow)). We fall into the trap of thinking "once I have decided I will do it, I will do it because I have decided to do so."

The Western mind likes to think of a human as being governed by an "intellect" that uses its "will" to seek the good. If we fail to achieve good, we are stupid, lazy, sinful, lack persistence, or otherwise, fail to measure up.

Man up, and go get it!!

That's an incomplete picture.

I'm not telling you it's a "wrong" picture. But I can tell you it's a very crude map of who you are and how you actually work.

Here's a better way to map this.

Think of a rider on a very large elephant.

The rider is your conscious mind, what you probably identify with as being "you." It's the language user, the tool user, the goal-setter, the planner, and the logical one.

The elephant is more or less everything else: it's your unconscious mind. It's a huge elephant – a really big one – which is the emotional brain: it's powerful, impulsive, the source of motivation and it's what moves us. The unconscious mind is the goal-getter.

The rider and elephant metaphor was coined by the positive psychologist Jonathan Haidt in The Happiness Hypothesis. And it's discussed at length by Dan and Chip Heath in Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard.

When the rider and the elephant are in conflict, the elephant will usually win. It's massive and will eventually wear out the rider when it's not really on board with what the rider has in mind.

Just because the rider wants something doesn't mean she's going to get it. Check-in with your elephant - get it to a good place if you want to get something done.

And don't get mad at yourself if you don't follow through on your plans. Instead, start asking the elephant - what's going on? Why aren't you on board with this?

The rider - the conscious language user - makes the PLANS. But it's the elephant and rider TOGETHER that take action. And if the elephant's not cooperating, the rider LOSES.

Learn how to cooperate with your elephant!

Here's another tip: Your elephant likes specific, clear directions. I want to weigh 185 pounds by Easter, not "I want to lose weight." The elephant wants to know exactly what to do: eat only whole foods as opposed to "eat healthily."

Another tip: the elephant has a big, fat negativity bias. It's always scanning for threats. When it finds one, it stops scanning, picks it up, and looks it over. Ponders it. Plays with it. What ifs with it. Swats it with its amazing trunk.

If you aren't good at redirecting your elephant, it's going to spend a lot of time finding negative things to toy with. Like your negative future. Or why that person is a real jerk? Or how unfair the past has been. Or the failures of your circumstances to bring you good things.

For some of these negatives, it will slip them in without you noticing, like attributing the lowest of motives to someone you are dealing with.

There are many many tips for working with the unconscious mind. We are experts in rooting out outdated perspectives and releasing pointless emotional baggage.

If you hang on to the metaphor of the elephant and rider and keep asking yourself "what's really going on here - why am I acting this way?" then you will be ahead of the game!

Listen to the podcast for more, plus some anecdotes that illustrate.

Join our Self-Compassion Group starting November 2022

Quote from Karen in the podcast: " The map is not the territory, and I do, I just am going to add a second thing I want people to take away, which is: it is possible to change your map at any time. It's possible. There's hope and, and we've seen this, I've seen this in my clients. It's what we do. There are techniques to shift your mental map and in the power of the Holy Spirit with the right techniques, this totally is possible. I just want people to feel hopeful about who they can be and how they can process the world, and what kinds of experiences God has for us and, and what's possible."

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Text: The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

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Karen tells the story of the man who thought he was Jesus Christ, somewhere in California in the sixties. It took a while for this version of Jesus to figure that one out. He needed a little help from Richard Bandler, who went on to become a famous psychologist. All I can say to California Jesus, is: Dude, like, that's so bogus, right?

Everything that you know about the world around you came to you via your senses. All of it. The impressions passed into you and your unconscious mind put them into the place in the inner firmament of your mind. When you contemplate the world, you are contemplating your inner reflection of it.

Eastern thought has sometimes concluded that all of the universe is therefore an illusion, or, at least, that we can create our own reality using our minds. Or, failing that, we can at least overcome the universe by recognizing it as an illusion and transitory experience.

Western thought does not accept that. The universe is real.

But Western minds can benefit from realizing that their experience of life is deeply conditioned by the unconscious mind, by your thoughts, beliefs, and values that you have in play when receiving impressions of the outer universe.

Our minds carry maps of the universe; these maps are NOT reality. It is so very helpful to remember this. We can adjust our maps to better fit reality and to fit into reality in a way that serves us better. To be happier and to live out our highest values and beliefs with greater integrity and verve.

The man that thought he was Jesus Christ had a map of the universe that was grossly in error, to the point where he couldn't navigate external realities and had to be institutionalized.

Maybe we don't need to be institutionalized but we all have areas on our map that are not in accord with reality. We are finite beings and have to make a lot of assumptions and take shortcuts just to get through the day.

The map is not the reality; so what?

Once you start to become aware of how your thoughts, beliefs, values and all that you take for granted in your unconscious mind are steering you… you could start to be more in charge of your own life, living more intentionally with your values, and having, frankly, a much more enjoyable and positive experience.

By the time you hit midlife, your map is seriously outdated in some areas because a lot of that map was built at a very young age when you didn't have a lot of smarts, or they are based on first impressions that you didn't get a chance to reexamine.

Midlife is such a great opportunity to set the stage for your next 20-plus years. Have a happy and productive life, filled with faith and generosity, and new life.

Join our Self-Compassion Group starting November 2022

Quote from Karen in the podcast: " The map is not the territory, and I do, I just am going to add a second thing I want people to take away, which is: it is possible to change your map at any time. It's possible. There's hope, and we've seen this, I've seen this in my clients. It's what we do. There are techniques to shift your mental map and in the power of the Holy Spirit with the right techniques, this totally is possible. I just want people to feel hopeful about who they can be and how they can process the world, and what kinds of experiences God has for us and, and what's possible."

Learn More:

Women: >> click here

Men: >> click here

Contact Info

Email or text us:

Text: The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

Email us: [email protected]

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Time for a new season! It's your surprising mind. Getting a handle on some of its quirks can really give you a head start on navigating life's obstacles and continuing to grow.

Perspectives on the prodigal son

The parable of the prodigal son. Think about what you've thought and heard about it. Here's the younger son, shockingly asking for his share of the estate before his father is dead. Then going away to the heathen that were not the people of God that the Jews sought to be. And then wasting all that money. Wasting it on immoral activities. Then coming back, dejected, just looking for something to eat. Then the father running out to greet him, welcoming him back. Throwing a party, even!

People from Western cultures, upon hearing that story and being asked to repeat it and reflect upon it will mostly focus on the son… the sin, the repentance, the return, and his generous reception. Or maybe they would focus on the father welcoming back the lost sheep.

People from certain other cultures, when asked to re-tell the story, will emphasize… the famine.

Did I mention the famine? Guess I forgot it. It's just a plot device, I thought.

These other cultures know what famine is. It's a terror. When famine struck the son in that foreign land, it made a big impression on them. The issue was: the son had hit rock bottom, he was lost.

First-century Jews, according to NT Wright, would hear the parable of the prodigal son and hear that the long-awaiting kingdom of God that so many Jewish people had hoped for and longed for would include… the gentiles.

The lens for the prodigal son parable

My unconscious mind interprets the prodigal son story according to the values and symbols that are familiar to me. Work hard, respect the family business, don't waste your money on frivolity, don't spend money on vices, take care of your finances and certainly don't waste it all, have gratitude when your family treats you better than you deserve, and don't be jealous of someone who's getting some nice treatment. All that stuff.

I have a powerful lens that guides how I see scripture. And how I see those around me, events, myself, my experiences, and everything else.

That lens comes from biology, experiences, my understanding of how the world works, values, patterns of thought, habits, what I learned growing up, and what I've absorbed from my culture and my beliefs. All that is whirled up into a map of what the world is like and how it works. Visualize whirled peas.

What you believe

Each of us works to understand how the world and people around us operate. We have a map. Most of what we know and understand is likely to be more or less correct. Alas, it is also true for each of us that there are things that we believe about how the world works and about ourselves that are not true and are no longer serving us. It's a universal truth because many of these beliefs are formed after only a little bit of experience at a very young age.

Since these beliefs pass into our map of how the world "is" we don't question them. They condition everything that happens.

For example, if you were to believe that nobody has goodwill and they only help you because you are giving them something, then every interaction you have would be judged according to that belief. And when you had interactions that didn't fit that belief, you would basically ignore them, because what you pay attention to, even literally what you SEE is conditioned by your beliefs. You would be pretty cynical.

Or, just to throw an extreme hypothetical out there, if you believed that all relationships are about POWER then you would judge them all in that light. And not see all the other values that are so very important to your relationships. You might become embittered and estranged from the world as a result. That's an extreme example, right?

Our lens strongly conditions how we experience reality. It's surprising. Our lens is not morally good or bad: it serves us. Even as it helps us navigate a complex universe so we can figure out what's going on around us, it's also limiting what we see and can do. It cuts in all directions.

The point is to realize when it's controlling what's happening to you. And to learn how to work with it, in cooperation. And to know it well enough to help it be renewed by the Spirit instead of holding onto an outdated view of who you are and how the universe works.

Stay tuned for more about the surprising mind!

Join our Self-Compassion Group starting November 2022

A great inner life includes a realistic and kind inner dialogue with ourselves. We can learn to replace the accusatory voice of our inner critic with a voice of truth and love that is consistent with God's compassion for us, compassion that meets us, lifts us up, and makes us want to go forward!

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"Self love is the basic form of love on which all others are founded and makes all others possible.... We are always engaged in somewhat repressing this truth, which strikes us as somehow unseemly"

Josef Pieper

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We often unconsciously resist receiving God's love and the graces that flow with it.

We get discouraged, we ruminate, and we isolate ourselves. We criticize ourselves. We criticize other people. We get stuck in these judgment loops and all of that keeps us both from hearing God's voice and from seeing ourselves the way that God sees us.

What if we saw ourselves through the eyes of God's compassion for us? Could we start allowing God to really help us to have that kind of a vision - instead of looking through some other lens?

Jesus had great compassion. He felt the stirrings of compassion deeply and stepped forward into action to heal, to forgive, and to restore. He sees the great value of each person. Their dignity. Their freedom.

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

Matthew 9:36

God sees us with great compassion and wants good things for us.

Taking on the inner critic with self-compassion

We each have an inner critic that tells us a version of "you are a loser", "you are not worthy of love" "you have to be _____ before God or anyone will love you." It's the voice that jumps on us as soon as we make a mistake, do something that embarrasses us, or fall short of success. Sometimes it's the paralysis that shows up when we are trying something new or extending ourselves and we just can't risk trying. Psychologists tell us the inner critic is essentially universal.

It's a voice that can control how we experience our lives. That dictates our emotions in difficult moments. That conditions what we will choose.

We could have a different experience of life. A life with a voice that speaks compassionately to us, like Jesus would speak to us. Even if we are need to be told difficult things or be confronted with our shortcomings, we can hear a compassionate voice. The voice of encouragement and inspiration that drives out fear.

A self-compassionate voice.

Join our Self-Compassion Group starting October 2022

Women: https://midlife.thmlcoaching.com/self-compassion-seeing-yourself-through-the-eyes-of-god

Men: https://midlife.thmlcoaching.com/self-compassion-toolsformen

"Self love is the basic form of love on which all others are founded and makes all others possible.... We are always engaged in somewhat repressing this truth, which strikes us as somehow unseemly"

Josef Pieper

Contact Info

Email or text us:

Text: The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

Email us: [email protected]

Facebook: The Catholic Midlife Podcast

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thecatholicmidlife/

Website: https://thmlcoaching.com/podcast/

What do I need now?

Oh, that's EASY: I need some chocolate, coffee, or both!

LOL, no, That's not what I need - that's more like a passing thought before I realize: no, I need a lot more than that at this time.

Asking "What do I need now" is the third step in the self-compassion break.

Our habit is to skip straight to this question. Or to skip even this question and ask, instead, what does THIS PROBLEM need right now?

Can you see the distinction between solving the problem and taking the step that you need right now, with the steps you need right now coming BEFORE you solve the problem?

Were you following us when we talked about the previous two steps, which are more or less the two prior episodes?

Remember the first step is an awareness that's nonjudgmental and ready to see suffering in yourself or others. It's an awareness that doesn't hurry by. It's already setting you up to be fully present for yourself, without overreacting or dismissing your difficulty, suffering, setback, frustration, or whatever it is.

The second step is telling yourself how this difficulty is connected to the broader human experience, how others suffer, and that suffering or setbacks are part of the human experience. You connect yourself so that you don't go into isolation, which is our mostly typical response.

Now you are ready to ask: What do I need now?

Consider that sometimes what we need is inwardly-directed. A moment of emotional reassurance, some physical calming, or simply validation that, yes, this situation is tough. Sometimes we will need to step into discomfort, to acknowledge, yes, taking this next step is also challenging but it's time to take the action that is needed here, perhaps to give something a try, to step into conflict, to create a boundary, or perhaps to step back and respect someone else's boundary.

Ask for the tip sheet!!

If you would like a PDF that you can use to guide yourself through a self-compassion break, email us & we would be happy to send it to you. It's free!

We would love to see you experiment with this practice!

Email or text us:

Text: The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

Email us: [email protected]

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Do those around you deserve to be treated with compassion?

With compassionate speech, which is kind and sensitive to speak in a manner that is helpful?

With an act of compassion, such as a hug, a hand on the shoulder, or a smile at the right time?

Do they deserve to be encouraged when life is offering them difficulty?

What does it say about you, when you are able to act compassionately?

What about you?

Do you deserve to be treated with compassion?

Do you really deserve to be treated with compassion?

By others?

What about you - do you deserve to be treated with compassion by yourself?

You try to be compassionate with others: it's time that you included yourself in this circle of compassion.

When a friend has gotten knocked down, would you go over and kick them when they are down?

But speaking harshly to ourselves is the norm:

"You are such an idiot"

"I can't believe you did something so stupid"

"What's wrong with me to act so ___________"

Here's the truth: you deserve to be treated with compassion.

Practicing self-compassion will make you stronger, braver, and more successful in almost every area of life. There's nothing puny about self-compassion.

Today's podcast episode presented the basics of an exercise that Kristin Neff (the modern founder of the self-compassion movement) calls a "self-compassion break."

First, be aware when compassion is needed, and acknowledge the moment by saying "This is a difficult moment" or other words that help you hear the compassion. Perhaps if you have an argument in a relationship, you could say "It is very painful to be arguing in this relationship."

Second, connect what's happening to the bigger picture of human life and realize that you are not alone when you suffer. Reflect on how others have, been, and are, suffering. Say true words to yourself, perhaps "Others are suffering with this problem now. Suffering is a normal part of human life."

Third, ask yourself: "What do I need now?"

This question is powerful. Karen and I will discuss it in the next episode.

If you would like a PDF that you can use to guide yourself through a self-compassion break, email us & we would be happy to send it to you. It's free!

We would love to see you experiment with this practice!

Email or text us:

Text: The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

Email us: [email protected]

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thecatholicmidlife/

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When am I supposed to practice the skill of self-compassion?

There are lots of chances every day! If you hate being late and you're being late to someplace - maybe your automatic reaction is I should have done "this" or "that" and why didn't I and why am I so dumb? That's an opportunity to stop and use some self-compassion.

Maybe you need to make a difficult phone call and fear of looking dumb or creating conflict is holding you back. Self-compassion can help you embrace these fears and accept them so you can make the call.

Maybe you make a mistake at work. Like entering a wrong number in the chart of accounts. We tend to have an idea that we're never going to make a mistake. Or that, if we do, we are "bad." We make plenty of mistakes… it's a perfect opportunity to practice self-compassion.

And it's for the big things. The really big things.

Things like areas of shame, areas of anger, areas of disillusionment… when you experience those huge paralyzing emotions often, that's where self-compassion is the skill that we reach for... To dig out and, and to being again.

Without interior peace, you can do little. With peace, you can be much more effective and it's easier to hear the voices of wisdom and grace.

The fact is those emotions and stressors go somewhere. If you're not engaging with them in a positive and productive way, they're going to find some other outlet, and sooner or later you'll be experiencing its effects.

Self-compassion: think of this discipline when you are having negative emotions or strong emotions, or when you have a trial or a difficult situation that's causing you stress - or when you encounter your own weakness, something you're not good at. Think of self-compassion when you're suffering any instance of pain or suffering: physical, emotional, relational - those are opportunities for self-compassion.

AWARENESS is the first step in your self-compassion discipline

Awareness. You could also refer to awareness as mindfulness.

If someone is suffering, and you walk by, oblivious, there's no opportunity to exercise compassion.

You have to see the suffering before you can exercise compassion. The suffering of the others around you. Your own suffering.

That's really not the norm. You would think it is.

We often skip over the awareness of the suffering, pain, or discomfort. Moving straight to PROBLEM-SOLVING is one way to do that.

And we just keep moving…and don't come back to that suffering. And we miss the opportunity to have compassion. And the consequent opportunity to put our best foot forward.

There are basically three parts to a discipline of self-compassion,

It's really hard to overstate the importance of this first part, the skill of creating awareness. More specifically, an awareness of what "is" without adding or subtracting from the reality of what God is allowing to happen now.

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Matthew 7:1

As we suspend judgment, we resist the temptation to make assumptions, generalizations, and distortions that make it harder to respond to what's happening. As we make judgments, we are passing the situation into our brain's network of past associations, opinions, us vs them thinking, and our own past hurts.

It also relieves us of the pressure of playing God. That's a role that is hard for us, right? Talk about being underqualified!

Experiencing events without judging them is so helpful for interior peace! And it's the first step in self-compassion.

Say This

When you DO notice a moment of suffering, difficulty, or overbearing emotion… try saying this to yourself:

"This is a moment of suffering for me."

Acknowledge that you are having difficulty. Talk to yourself, kindly. The way a good friend that knows you and loves you would speak to you.

Drop us a line

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Text The Catholic Midlife podcast: 612-208-9150.

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