Yes, I said it...
Yes, I said it! No is a beautiful thing. It stands the test of time. It's the best word ever in some seasons of our life. I say this because when you are out of balance, saying yes to everything and not stopping to think about what you're agreeing to. That is not healthy. We need to set boundaries. I'm sharing a few tips on how to set boundaries that align with your ideal and authentic life.
In order to know when to say yes, and when to say, no, you got to set some boundaries here. I want to mention a few of those topics. I have found that setting boundaries in areas of my life, creates more time, and more energy for me. It's freeing and as you learn to set boundaries, not just with others, but within yourself as well, you learn yourself better.
You start treating yourself better when you are not a 'yes' person. No more people-pleasing for you. So here we go. I've got a few, just a few things that I think will help you learn to create those boundaries. Let's get started.
1. Set Priorities
First, you must set priorities. What is number one for you? What are the top three things that you need? You must set priorities in your life so that, you know, really what comes first and what's important. If you don't, then everybody else's stuff is now more important. Set your mind to what those things are. Is sleep important to you? Is eating healthy important to you? Would reading a book be important to you? Is riding your bike important to you? Is having family time important to you? What about quiet time, is important to you?
Take some time and think about what you need. Now set those priorities and work your boundaries around them.
2. Communicate Your Boundaries
Second, you need to communicate. Communication is key. We have heard this many times and it is true. You must communicate what you will and will not tolerate. Let them know girl, 'This is what we not finna do!'. If you don't express your feelings and thoughts, they won't know and be clear on your position.
Most of the time we don't like to deal with confrontation. And I get it. But can we really expect people to read our minds? Did you tell the person that it makes you feel some type of way, or you didn't like it? Do they even have a clue how you feel? And most of the time they don't. I truly understand that know body really likes confrontation but it is a necessary part of life. And just because we think they should know doesn't mean they actually know.
If you don't communicate what you will and what you will not tolerate, then they think, oh, you're good with it all. And that's not the truth.
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3. Listen To Your Gut
Third, you've got to listen to your gut. Lovie, it's like intuition, whatever you want to call it, you must listen.
Nobody had to tell you that when Sally Sue opened her mouth she was not telling you the truth. You just knew it.
There is a scripture that I love from the Bible and it is 'Be quick to hear and slow to speak'. This is truly a lifesaver. If we listen close enough we will get all the information we need. We will be able to know the next step. We can take the time to make the right decision for ourselves rather than giving an answer we will later regret.
4. Think About The Impact Of Your Actions
Fourth, think about the impact of your actions.
What will it cost you? This is so serious because a cost is not a temporary thing. A cost could be consequences for days, hours, months, or years to come. So let's just say that healthy eating is your priority and you're wanting to set boundaries around it. You are not being unsociable, unfriendly, or judgemental to other people. They are free to eat whatever they want to eat. You have just set a priority in your life regarding your health.
But you know, that if you get that Whopper and you got it fully loaded, yes that does exist. That's not healthy and that is not the direction that you are going in.
Certain decisions impact us in different ways. So now Sally Sue convinced you to move your boundaries and disregard your priority and she hasn't missed a beat but you, on the other hand, are tired, sleepy drained all because you didn't do what was best for you and say 'no thanks'.
You didn't stick to what you knew, worked for you and you have set your priority in this instance is eating healthy.
5. Do Things That Make You Feel Good
Fifth, do things that make you feel good. If I could stand on the top of the mountain and scream this, I would, because it's so much happening that we have to process.
If we don't do some things that make us feel good we can fall down this little rabbit hole of depression, anxiety, confusion, and unhappiness, there are so many holes you could fall down and they all lead to one place. But if you start to do things that make you happy, things will change. You must be intentional about it so I suggest you schedule some time.
It's like date night, my husband and I, have date night. Do you know why? Because we need to connect. We need to move away from the regular life that's happening and set aside time for ourselves. That feels good to us. But also I need time apart that feels good to me.
A pedicure and shopping feel good to me too. So guess what I need that date night. And I need that me time as well, but I like to schedule these things. Or I can do them spontaneously, but I need to make sure that I'm doing things that make me feel good. This means if somebody is asking you to do something that, you know, you don't like, and you don't care to do, don't do it.
You can say, no.
Do you know? You don't have to explain every little detail of why you're saying no. You really don't. Say it kindly, you can say it with empathy, compassion, or sympathy, but the bottom line is no.
The last point regarding this is when you discover the things that make you happy, and you've scheduled them. Don't cancel on yourself. Don't make this beautiful list of what you love and put it off or disregard you. Because that is what you are doing.
6. Offer An Alternative To Keep Your Priorities In Tact
Number six, offer an alternative or a suggestion or a recommendation. If someone is asking you to do something and you're not feeling it and you know, and you don't want to let them down. Give them a suggestion that may help them.
Maybe you're not the person that can say just straight out 'no'. And drop it. You need to get there, but while you're getting there, sometimes you can just say, "Well, I'm not going to be able to do that but Sally Sue may be able to help you. She's great and gifted in this". If you can't come up with an actual person, maybe suggest tools or systems that will help that person get whatever it is they need.
If they are asking you to plan a party for them and you know you do not have time. Make suggestions for party planners, tell them to go on Google and find a party planner near them, and then you're pointing them in the right direction.
You have helped them but your boundary is still in place.
7. Be Direct And Firm
Number seven, the last one. Be direct and firm with your answer. Being direct and firm is not rude. It's not being unkind, but there needs to be some authority and seriousness about your answer. If people hear that little hesitancy they will jump on it and think you may they can change your answer easily.
They will continue to try and wear you down. So be firm in saying no. Or you will be down again in a situation you didn't want to be in. So no means no. And no means no and no is a beautiful word. So. In being direct. Don't go all around. Here we go with these explanations all around.
Remember, no explanations are needed. Such as "Why you can't do it?" Or saying "Oh, I wish I could." No, you don't. You don't want to do it. Don't tell people that lie. You don't want to, so don't say that. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That is clear communication.
Now, if that person gets offended or upset with you, that's on them. That's not on you. You told them the truth. You were firm, you were direct, you were kind, and you've made suggestions. You've done all the things.
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You Are The Most Important Piece
Finally, you have set your priorities. You have to make a decision that you're setting boundaries for yourself and for others.
What's the reason for setting boundaries for yourself? When you don't, you'll cross your own boundaries. You'll just say, oh, well, that doesn't really matter. And then the door becomes open for others to do the same. Do you know the most important person in this equation? Its YOU. Do you know the person that can make the boundaries can break the boundaries? That would be YOU.
If you so set the boundaries for yourself first, then you will be able to set boundaries with other people and give yourself permission to say no. Give yourself some grace. This will take practice.
Here's A Free Resource
Sometimes you need a little support to help you stay on track with the things you truly desire for yourself. If you put these few steps into practice you will begin to see a change in how you set priorities and boundaries in your life. Here's a little extra help to get you started. Grab the Lovin' Myself More Masterclass, then come over and join the free Lovin' Myself More FaceBook Group.
