The Explosive Alan Podcast

Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes has proved to be incredibly divisive among the gaming community, so we've predictably jumped aboard the controv-o-wagon to discuss Kojima's plans and what it spells for big-budget game development in general. Before all that though, we've got chat of Project Morpheus, Titanfall, Sim City finally going offline, Super Game Jam and, sigh, Sonic the bleedin' Hedgehog. Also's Simon's super-scary challenge goes horribly awry so we mimic something off Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow instead.

Believe it or not, this episode contains a world-exclusive announcement that, conveniently, actually relates to the episode number. Strange AND bizarre. The revelation comes courtesy of guest and long-time listener, not to mention novelist and scriptwriter extraordinaire James Swallow. This episode tackles the week’s big releases Titanfall and Dark Souls II (in song, of course), news on everything from BAFTA Game Awards results to a Frog Fractions sequel, a tricksy odd-one-out challenge and (in our humble opinion) one of the best Great Debates we’ve ever done. It’s a cracker of a show, basically.

The original fab four (well, after the original fab four) reunite and it's like nothing's changed. At all. Seriously. You'd think a bit of time away would refresh things a bit, but no, it's just more of the same old, same old. Pfft. We guess it's alright if you like that sort of thing, but not us. We much prefer that Garderner's Question Time podcast. Still, you'll probably love all the news, chat and challenges, but that's because you're young and still have the rest of your life ahead of you. Enjoy it while you can. VIDEOGAMES!

Intro lyrics

Games have changed,

Their contents are perverse

They used to be so happy now they're full of gore and worse

Should we blame developers?

Or blame society?

Or the kids who play online Call of Duty?

No, blame Ubisoft, blame Ubisoft

Whose team of dumb marketing guys caused the censorship we despise

Blame Ubisoft, blame Ubisoft

We'll never see the anal assault, it's Ubisoft's fault

They blame Europe

For their vile plan

They’ve censored a cartoon

Getting a fake dick up the can

So now we've got to watch

A crappy drawing and some text

That's basically telling you to fuck yourself

Blame Ubisoft, blame Ubisoft

No abortions will we play, since those Frenchies got their way

Blame Ubisoft, blame Ubisoft

Although, that said, Watch_Dogs is coming out in May

Don't call it a comeback. Well, you can if you want; three weeks off is a lifetime in podcasting terms. We might as well have been dead, frankly. Anyway, Ash is still prancing around in paradise, but Dan's back and, after a short scuffle with Simon, is back in the driver's seat. This time, we discuss South Park censorship, test our knowledge of release dates and contemplate the death of triple-A gaming.

In our first episode without Dan Maher, Simon attempts to lead the pack through another minefield of questions, news, challenges and debates. Will he make it through without buckling under such extreme pressure? Find out*! We're also pleased to re-welcome games writer Chris Slight, who stands in for Simon while Simon stands in for Dan.

*Spoiler: He doesn't, and dies midway through the show.

We were delighted (not to mention slightly surprised) to be joined by talented actor and all-round lovely chap Chris Jarman - currently singing about terrible things as The General in the superb West End production of The Book of Mormon. He sticks around for the entire episode as we cover all the usual bases and bring a gaming twist to the deeply depraved "party game for horrible people" Cards Against Humanity. He even contributed to the intro tune and acted as this week's news gong. Whaddaguy.

We've listened to community feedback and taken a good, hard look in the mirror to ensure that The Explosive Alan Podcast 2K14 is the ultimate simulation of a gaming podcast. New features for '14 include:

- Procedural presenter interaction!

- Fully linear narrative with no moral decisions and just one ending!

- 63% all-new jingles!

- ShatChat(tm) authentic janky microphone emulation!

- Sobriety!

Edited down from what felt like forever's worth of increasingly slurred ranting comes the festive Explosive Alan Drunkcast, featuring:

-Our four-part Nativity play!

-A full review of the year where we manage to forget about Rayman Legends!

-Special guest stars including (and limited to) OXM/Regular Features laugh factory Jon Blyth and man of many jobs Matt Frost

-Mid-episode presenter departures!

-And much, much more*!

*There is nothing else

There was a lot of booze left over from our office Christmas do, so we thought it best to attempt consume it all - for the purposes of clearing some room in the communal fridge, you understand - while recording our latest podecaste (the 'e's are silent). The funny thing is, this isn't even the Drunkcast we have planned for next week's actual Christmas special. Consider it a rehearsal. Some good stuff this time, though - we introduce the new joker card system to our 60-Second News Gong, Gareth has a great new challenge and we go ten rounds with microtransactions in full-priced games before winning by TKO.

...And that's what you get when you democratise the episode naming process. We're sorry. In this episode we ditch a couple of regular features to share our games - best and worst - of the generation. And if you disagree with our choices well, to quote Jeffrey Lebowski, that's just, like, your opinion, man.