The Fertility Warriors

Today on the podcast we're talking about the first three things that helped me feel better.

It was 10 years ago exactly that Ross and I started trying to conceive, which feels like a long time ago, but also feels like just yesterday - I still remember all of the real and raw emotions of trying to conceive.

And two years into our journey, after our first IVF cycle, I had a miscarriage. I thought I knew rock bottom prior but after our loss, it was like I now knew the molten lava in the centre of the earth.

I didn't want to share how we were feeling with anyone (I actually didn't feel like I could) and it wasn't so much a feeling of anger (even though I was angry) it was more a feeling of being broken and lost. I don't know if you can relate?

So, what changed, what helped after that moment for me... that's what we're talking about on today's podcast.

So often I have people ask me how to feel better and the answer is... unfortunately, not as simple as one, 5-minute exercise that people can do each day. In all honesty, there were a number of things that I did (but mostly mindset shifts) that helped me to radically shift the way I was feeling and coping on my journey.

But if you had to start somewhere, what would you do?

Here are the first 3 things I did that helped me feel better:

•Had a circuit breakerWe needed to get out and break our routine. I never quite understand the logistics of 'taking a break' because I was so acutely aware of when I was ovulating etc BUT, we got away on a last-minute trip to Lombok... and not a trip where we went out sightseeing or anything. A trip where there was pretty much nothing I could do but sit with my feelings and rest. I was... although I'd have never acknowledged it at the time... so so needed. And it got us away from work (where let's be honest I couldn't concentrate anyway) and everyone's constant questions. It gave me space to feel what I was feeling, and regain some energy.

•GratitudeThis one practice has been the thing that I've done that has had one of the biggest impacts on my life and that of my clients. Each night I began writing in a little journal, 3 things I was grateful for. Not just the big things - but mostly the little things.

As I understand more about our brains now that I'm qualified I know the mechanics of how this works in our brains and for a practice that takes literally less than five minutes per day - the rests can be profound.

•I made the decision to put myself first

I didn't 'do' anything in this regard but it was a massive shift and one that I don't think many women have made - even if they tell themselves that they put themselves first. It was a moment of saying that I was worthy of spending money on myself (especially if it was going to help me FEEL better), I was worthy of my time, and I was worthy of saying no to things that didn't serve me. So so many women will say that they put themselves first, but I'd argue, don't.

I used to feel guilty saying no to people.

I used to feel guilty spending money on myself (things like buying clothes, yes, but on my mindset and things that were more abstract - massively!)

I used to feel guilty taking sick days... when I was actually sick!

And so.... Things shifted for me when I decided that I was worthy.

I'd spend time and money investing in abstract things like my mindset and programs that would help my emotional health (knowing that my husband would think nothing of a night out with the boys, a carton of beer or even a new surfboard - my goodness - I could absolutely spend $297 on a course about creatin...

Since launching the Mind Body Fertility Reset, I've had a real and massive shift in the way I think about what I do.

When we launched the platform, it was a very holistic program that incorporated food, sleep, low tox living - and not in a 'this is your to-do list kind of way - more from a 'here are some ideas and inspiration and resources that will help' and all of those resources at this stage still exist in the Reset, and it's also my dream to expand on them BUT... the reason the majority of women TTC have joined the Reset, and the number 1 thing we now offer in the reset... is courses, programs, classes, live coaching, support and community.... For emotional wellness and mental health.

And over the past few months, I've become ever so conscious of the messaging both I've been using but increasingly conscious of the messaging that is within the wider community - the advertising, the events and more.

And... tell me if I'm wrong but.... There's so so much around - get more fertile, solve your infertility, *this* thing is the missing link, do XYZ, add this thing to your to-do list.

Like.... There's always this subline of 'do this thing and it will help you get pregnant'

Disclosure: there is nothing wrong with people and products that help you get pregnant. I have one too, and I think that it's important for us to know that some of the same things that can help us with our mental state of being (e.g. letting go of perfection) are the SAME things that can help us get pregnant.

But... I also feel that on some level, that messaging may also be contributing to this feeling of always needing to be doing more, and perhaps not doing enough.

And the number 1 thing I see women trying to conceive neglect... is themselves.

And there are a few types of people who join the Mind Body Fertility Reset (and all of these reasons are valid and worthy - you can literally join for any reason you like):

The ones who join because they want to leave no stone unturned and if this is going to help their fertility, they want to at least have given it a crack

The ones who are like 'i don't know what I need, but I know that I need something'

And the ones who are like 'you know what? I matter.

I think nothing of spending $150 on supplements, or an acupuncture appointment, or a fertility specialist appointment so if I can afford to spend that on all of this physical stuff. If I can afford (or scrape together) $20,000 for an IVF cycle - I can ABSOLUTELY afford to spend $150 for three months or $600 for an entire year's worth of support, live coaching, lessons etc..... For me. Just for me. Regardless of whether or not this will improve my fertility. Because I matter. My mental health matters. My joy matters. My life matters and I'm worthy of being my own best friend.

So as we begin the year, I want to ask you some questions to journal over to help you set a path, and maybe draw a line in the sand about how you want to move forward on your journey.

•Have you put your life and joy on pause in the pursuit of trying to conceive?

•Do you ever feel guilty for prioritizing or investing time, energy, money in yourself?

•Do you feel like your mental health and wellbeing filter into other areas of your life - such as your relationships, your career, your health goals and even your TTC journey?

•What would life look like if.... From today... from right now... you decided that YOU were your most important asset and that feeling better and looking after yourself was now your No 1 priority?

And so... over the last few weeks, I have been BUSY.

I've been busy chatting with all of the best of the best in the fertility wo...

Have you ever had an appointment at a Fertility Clinic (especially your first!) and felt like you wanted to ask questions but have NO idea what to ask? And like... this is REALLY important... but you don't know what you don't know!

Well, I've got you covered in this podcast, where I dive into 16 questions to ask your Fertility Specialist, as well as 6 things I want you to know about your Doctor and your experience at the clinic, that will hopefully help you feel calmer throughout.

When we feel really nervous, our brain starts to lose its executive functioning ability - that is... the ability to make rational decisions, problem solve etc - a place you don't want to be in, when you are in an office with a Specialist trying to make really impactful decisions about your life.

I hope you absolutely LOVE this podcast episode.

Here's a summary of the questions below for you to print out with you - but highly encourage you to listen to the episode where I explain everything in detail.

They're human beings too

Just because they wear a white coat, doesn't mean they have all the answers

They likely have a time limit for your appointment

They don't know everything (and all read different research)

Their personal beliefs may impact their recommendations

You can get a second opinion

•Do you offer grants or any financial support packages?

•Where do you sit on complementary therapies (acupuncture, naturopathy)

•Do you have or can you recommend any mental health services?

•Do you have any BMI limits?

•What supplements do you recommend?

•Are you able to please break down the general timeline/path for me?

•What lifestyle interventions do you recommend?

•What do we need to be doing at our end to improve our chances of conception?

•What are your views on diet and exercise?

•What's the game plan?

•Can you please write those names down for me?

•Can you give me a rough % success rate?

•Can you give me a printout of those results?

•How often do you repeat blood tests?

•Where can I find your success rates? (and check their accreditations too)

•Does your clinic work specifically with infertility patients? If not, what %?

I pondered what I should talk to you about in our first episode back after the break (I have SO much to share) but I landed on sharing with you a behind the scenes Facebook Live I did for the members of my the Reset (my membership program) because I know that the advice in there will be so helpful to everyone.

In the audio of this video, I share 8 tips for coping emotionally with the pandemic and what you can do in this time to support yourself. In it, I mention resources that are only available for members - and we'd love to invite you to become a member with us too.

You can join the Reset here: robynbirkin.com/mindbodyfertilityreset

In today's podcast, I wanted to share with you what we have planned for 2022 here at The Fertility Warriors, where you can find me over the Christmas Break and how I can support you on your journey.

Here are some links and places where you can catch me and receive further support;

[FREE] The Two Week Wait Challenge

Receive a daily email over the two weeks of your cycle with a love note filled with inspiration, support and guidance on how to cope as well as other gifts.

Sign up to the challenge here

The Mind Body Fertility Reset

Join us in the membership for women who are ready to support their mental and emotional wellbeing through trying to conceive and infertility. This is a place to nourish your mind, body and spirit - with a 90 day reset framework, community and a wealth of tools and resources, this is a lifeline through infertility for so many.

Join us at robynbirkin.com/mindbodyfertilityreset

You can also follow me at @robynbirkin on Instagram here.

I can't wait to catch you in the New Year!

For more support, mindset help and community - join the Mind Body Fertility Reset here

A few years ago I recorded a podcast called how to cope through Christmas when you're trying to conceive. I'm older and wiser (and more compassionate now! But I do remember it had some funny moments, and although there may be some recurrent themes and I'm now producing today an updated version, I thought you may still like to circle back and listen to it.

So click here to read/listen to my episode about how to how to survive Christmas when you're trying to conceive.

You may also want to circle back to how to create a special Christmas (despite infertility).

Christmas, Christmas Parties and Thanksgiving can feel like an especially trying time for anyone who is trying to conceive, right?

Together with drinking, family dynamics and the concept of Santa and presents for children, it can understandably be a really tough time when you're navigating infertility.

So first up, if that's you, please give yourself some grace.

Understand that it's ok for it to feel hard, and it's ok for it to feel messy and that you're allowed to feel hurt and upset by the people you love and in your family when and if they say the wrong thing.

In today's episode, I'll share with you some advice, reflection and guidance on how you can navigate the Holiday Season when you're navigating infertility.

Hope you enjoy it.

Abby and Kristyn from Fertility.Rescripted joined me on the podcast this week. Many of you will know Kristyn (who's been on the podcast before and who is a great friend) but we're joined on the podcast this week by Abby. Together these ladies have formed the company Fertility.Rescripted and they joined me this week for an honest conversation about so many things including Abby's story - a story of medications and miscarriage, what her experience looked like, how that pain led to her purpose and the start of her company - and an interesting take on how Kristyn and I did a similar thing - but that the things that impacted us each were so different.

We also talked about privilege and affordability, some stats on medications (including the giant amount of leftover meds), the things that made a big difference when we were each trying to conceive, what this new partnership has meant and how they are now supporting the community (with a sneak peek of what's to come).

Hope you like it!

Check out my previous episode with Kristyn here.

Part of the journey to falling apart through infertility for me began with a baby shower.... And it was when we'd only just started trying to conceive.

I'll never forget arriving at a baby shower (and sorry if you've heard this story before) and seeing that I was one of only three women who either weren't pregnant or had kids already.

One was Veronica, an acquaintance who declared that her life was too full for kids - between their travels and their foodie life and her role as a teacher, she just didn't have the capacity for kids. Then there was my other dear friend who I knew wanted kids but just hadn't met the right person yet. And me... who was trying to conceive but nobody knew about it. And at that time we just didn't know that the journey would be so much longer. But that was the start of feeling like an outsider and the start of feeling like I was no longer having much to contribute or receive from the conversation.

Just over a year later, I walked into the supermarket and felt completely ambushed when I saw her.... And then saw her turn around only to discover she was about 8 months pregnant.

I felt like the last person standing and that out of everyone at that baby shower, I was the last man standing.

I attended many more baby showers and first birthday parties (including organising at least one baby shower) while I was working through infertility, and together with my life coach hat - here are 9 things you can do to support yourself at baby showers through infertility.

(And I want to let you know that my advice might be a little different from others in this space!).

You'll also learn things that can help you before the baby shower and during the baby shower and I'll also discuss some things you might want to permit yourself for.

Every Monday I do a Q+A on my Instagram, and without a doubt, the biggest question I'm asked right now is what to expect and whether I have any tips for those who are about to go into their first IVF cycle.

Here are some previous posts with tips for those who are about to do IVF:

5 Tips for your next Egg Retrieval

5 tips for IVF Newbies

My OHSS Experience

Is IUI a waste of time? (In this post we dive also into IVF)

100 Affirmations and Mantras for Fertility (including some IVF specific ones)

But what should you expect on your first IVF cycle?

In this podcast I talk about:

•How your first IVF cycle might be different to any IUI's you've done before

•What you should be doing/focusing on at this point?

•What you can do to support your success

•What the timeline might look like (although this can be fairly variable)

•Where you might have some hiccups along the way (and how to overcome them)

Hope you enjoy!

I was scrolling through Instagram the other day and looking at some of the accounts in my feed.... And the overwhelming thought was 'wow this all feels very heavy' - and I started to think.... About my own account, about infertility and about our feelings in general.

Validation is SO important. It's important that we share with people the difficult emotions of infertility. The trauma, the divorce and PTSD - it's so important that we meet people where they're at.

But I also think it's SO important... that we show the other side. Because then it just stays heavy.

Almost like... I know what it feels like to be stuck in a well.... It's hard.

But also.... Let me help you get out of the well.

Let me help you cope whilst you're in the well

Let me help you find hope and positivity while you're in the well

I think those messages are also important.

And perhaps somewhere along the way, with cancel culture and the rise of the concept of toxic positivity... I wonder whether the message that it's ok to want to feel positive and uplifted.... Has had the volume turned down.

Staying positive all the time is exhausting and not necessarily a healthy strategy, however it's my true belief that it IS possible to feel better through infertility, and more positive and more hopeful - and I've seen it with the hundreds of clients who've engaged in my programs and left testimonials and reviews.

So, if you're feeling like it's all a little heavy and you'd like some strategies - some easy to implement and practical tips on how to feel a little more positive through infertility, this episode is for you.