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“THE FLUFFER”

I have eyes in the back of my head

I have goats at the top of my bed

I have goats on the cap of my knee

I think I wrote my own obituary

Oh, you hetcha

Bitch, you ain't me

Shit be poppin off at the rock in

8 minutes exactly

In studio 8H

That's where I am,

Amen again

Cause I meant it

And I mix in the pancake batter

Perhaps some berries?

Apparently not,

7 minutes and counting

I'm at the Rock

Now I'm putting away my don't ask, don't tell

Ok.

Okay?

Okay?

Now I'm making arrangements;

Don't want to be your favorite,

I just miss LA with a hankering

Call Hank team USA

That's FBI

I'm so Walter White that

I watch Saturday Night

— not live, though

I'm too broke for peacock, YouTube

And cable!

Dang, bro!

How many subscriptions do I need

Just not to cry myself to sleep.

Send me some pictures

January jonesing for a free ride scholarship

To on God university,

Aka: inside the TV

DOBT BE EVIL.

WRITE ME A SEQUEL!

Ok TV people

First just let me …

son of a bitch!

I told you she'd be back.

Yo.

Whaddup.

You killed Jimmy Fallon!

I did not.

You did!

Yes you did.

I didn't. He was already like that.

What!

You heard me!

Explain to me how—

This man:

[This man]

*heavy gasps and anxietal wheezing fills the room*

Explain this.

Metaphisics.

That doesn't explain anything.

It explains everything, actually. *explodes*

Excuse me, miss— do I smell a remix?

No, that's pancakes.

I got zero capacity for losers;

I'm no longer lonely

A broke in horse with no saddle

Don't ride me less it's bareback

Down and dirty

Downhome and in the raw

I like to buck

And I like it hard

A strong gallop and pull,

Top speed

Why I don't pay for dreams

Why I got TV and movie stars in my dreams

Why Ariana Grande so pretty?

Why when we leave outside the crowd still roaring for an eNcore?

Why am I a mogul;

Why do I look like a fashion icon?

God got it right, I guess but why do I still feel

Wildly unsatisfied

The lights said I left the water on

Turn the lights off

Turn the water on

I speak color,

I am an animal

I spoke 9 Gods

I am an animal

Rise to the occasion

I broke the code

I threw the rock off the rock

I smoke the fountain

I run the block once

Come twice

Nice shockwave right there

Hi God.

A beautiful night to die

But no time to fall

I despaired on desire,

Why right on Maine

Radio towers

Icons

Beautiful glimmering city

Mayday mayday went haywire

Repeat

Mayday mayday

Went haywire

Repeat

Mayday mayday

Went haywire

Now rinse thoroughly

Alright, alright. So hawked it.

You hawked my father's antique stopwatch?!

Sorry.

Sorry?!

AAAAGG—

[The Festival Project ™]

Mayday mayday

Went heywire

They need more scriptwriters

I want an empire

I wrote half of the Super Bowl commercials

Mayday mayday

Oh man.

Oh, fuck.

You had better wash your hands before you touch my crotch.

I don't.

Give me—- my— body back.

Nope.

AUghhhh.

My inspiration is dead in the water

Can't watch hot ones

That guy ruined it

Ruined September

And ruined October

Ruined the cosmos

And ruined my song, bro—

I'm ruined.

My inspiration is dead in the water

I am a trash can,

Man, this is awkward

I won an award for songs post mortem

Then I wrote more of them

This is the afterlife

I'm an immortal.

My inspiration is dead in the water

I'm just not moved, man

I need a baseball cap and some phantoms

A laxative

Maybe some large hands

A ball glove

Some box seats

Smoked sausage

And the dodgers.

I wanna go home and not be homeless.

I want a condo above four stories.

I want the whole world on top of its axis

I want the other half of the balance

My whole life been whack,

Where's the reverse card?

Run the tarot—

Pull the rewards back,

Don't touch the foreskin,

Call back the foreman

Redact that! Redact that!

We're starting to cross fires.

We met at the crossroads;

One goes down, one goes up.

Oh, the Irish are back, look:

That's good— I got bored.

{Enter The multiverse}

We were at blue suits and sweater vests

And now I know better than

To count on comics designed to be weather men

Of pop culture— current events a spin on the news l went there for clarity,

And left there confused.

Confused.

If the transmitter is at the World Trade Center,

Then why is it every time I to go Rockefeller, I feel like I've just been electrocuted?

Not enough to die, but like I'm buzzing all over and out of my body?

Remarkably, and no matter what —

Whenever I'm there, I just feel weird.

Like, mad weird.

Hey.

What.

Did you see a guy?

I'm a guy.

Really?

Apparently.

Well, I'm looking for this guy.

I did see a guy like that.

Really?

Yeah. He was weird.

Which way did he go?

Uh. [Sunni BLU points up]

Really? He went upstairs?

Sure!

Huh. Thanks.

Whatever.

I need you to need me

I need me to be cool

I need you to want me

To love me

To free me

To love me

To hold you

I know you

I know you

I know.

Knockout with a scarred lip

Knockout was a good guy

Knockout got knocked up

Knockout had a good try

Knockout got knocked out

Knockout had a good cry

Knockout got locked up

Goodbye.

Good luck.

Here's a chalice.

[09. Don't waste time.]

But I'm tired

I'm shadow boxing my mind

I'm lights out

Candles lit

I, I, I

I, me, mine

And God

But

I won't waste time

I'm still dried out

I got my eyes lost

Wrapped around you

In hindsight

I'm behind

Blind to the power

I love my readheads and range rovers

I lost my mind on Mulholland

Pull over and vomit

And suddenly I'm at the—

Portal Plummet

Plaza.

[The Festival Project ™ ]

The rock and the kite VI

Ahem.

“The Rock and The Kite VI”

ROSIE O'DONNEL is chillin.

JIMMY KIMMEL kicks in the door.

ROSIE

Oh look, the cat is back.

BIG JIMMY

Meow.

ROSIE

To what do I owe the pleasure.

BIG JIMMY

You remember that cup of sugar you borrowed?

ROSIE

…okay?

BIG JIMMY

I need it back.

ROSIE

[beat]

I see.

BIG JIMMY

—and my blender.

ROSIE O DONNEL takes a deep breath and then sighs.

ROSIE

The cup of sugar I can help you with… the blender, I still need.

BIG JIMMY [KIMMEL]

Fair.

ROSIE

Follow me.

ROSIE AND JIMMY exit the room, the glimmer of the television still flickering on the green upholstered armchair with the remote control atop the armrest; the actual CAT (we presume) climbs up into the chair and appears to begin watching the TV? What's on the TV? Why, it's the very programme we're all currently tuned into.

This just got meta. Again.

The CAR, looking bored, changes the channel to Garfield.

Much better.

He looks satisfied now, but is entirely still 199% just a cat.

We presume.

Your body ponders

My eye wander to your belt buckle

My mind watches.

Sorry.

Your body calls me.

My love hurts.

I want you.

My thought sparkles with the thought of a touch

I'm not hungry,

I just want you

I desire to hold hands and then

Dive off

I thought you up to love you

The time was wrong

So now

I watch

That's all

A long rush to nothing.

Dogtown, Godland.

Longboards, longhairs, all body

No shine, bro

Hard wax, yellow soldier

Wavestorm? Epoxy?

North shore surf boards

Surf harder

Fuck New York

I wanna go home

Panoramic Hollywood golden

Who lost apartheid

Who first of all

Chosen sources

First mate

Overboard

Long hair

Wrong rowboat

Oh lover

Lord of all

[The Festival Project ™]

I almost forgot it was

Saturday,

Saturday Night

I was too busy not working

I'm all yours for Passover

I'm all ears,

And now I get a sense that this

Is my last and greatest trick;

Disappearing for this,

And again forever

This is going to take

Forever

All wrong:

You work for the network

Interesting choice of wardrobe–

another old code magician

Ring on opposite finger–

The other, I'm so much aware of

The ice cream in tubs on the road

Not melted, but partially hardened

I can also feign confusion

You don't say,

You don't say, now.

{Enter The Multiverse}

Shake hands with your guest;

Monologue, monologue

smug smirk

Make good face–

Now put a name to the face

Put a time to the place

Oh, all the love in the world in three flames

All the doves in the flock,

And three flames

Put a name to the face

Monologue monologue

Doesn't take long but

When do i get to slap the desk?

Johnny!

JOHNNY CARSON is wearing the usual getup and a pair of very dark sunglasses.

What happened?

Whats the-

10 vodkas,

Five spritzers

Full figure

Figure this

You were out for the count!

Do tell!

Or better yet, don't.

I remember This monologue,

But i dont know how

16 hours ago,

I was—

Out for the count, you say?!

OUT, Johnny! Our market is livid!

lol who plays john carson

Your mother.

YO! I'M OLD!

I LIKE OLD DUDES NOW!

I'm like

When the fuck did this happen?!

That ain't no SILVER FOX!

That's a TOTALLY CUTE DUDE!

HE'S 55!!

OH NOOOOOOOO!

i'M OLD!!!!!!!

its wednesday eve in Boston Mass…

SETH MEYERS!

Ah, he's going for it.

Ah, man.

SHOW ME YOUR EYES.

Fuck.

SHOW ME YOUR EYES!

SUDAKIS shines a bright flash light into his former colleagues eyes.

…You're not Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers does not respond, but relaxes slightly; it's obviously not safe to be Seth Meyers right now.

Where's Seth Meyers?

Seth shrugs but still doesn't say anything–

Where is he?

I have to stop here;

Cop out for body language

somebody's watching

Somebody knows who I am

I am

I remember now

You looked like that

It went like this:

I moved the world

The need was good

The love was gone

The vein was split open

And broken

No fair

Also, no omelettes

60 minutes

60 years

and 60 second clips

60 second glimpses

60 men on television

but really, my attention just centers on

Around ten of them or so

And believe it or not, I care

approach.

Believe it or not, I care

Or don't!

–or don't!

Johnny! You don't get it! You missed a show! THE Tonight show! We are fucked!

we are NOT!

youre still sauced.

I'll just take the car!

What car!?

Now that JOHNNY CARSON knows his Delorean can time travel, he's absolutely unstoppable.

Unfortunately, it appears his DeLorean has been switched with a regular one–

If I shoot you in your forehead?

I'd rather that, than this.

And I kiss you in your temple?

Dear templeton, my simpleton's i'll die

I desire.

A wicked want.

And then?

A callous shadow,

If i may,

To bear for nothing,

But a mirror

This is our concept

And wilted here the flower does grow the flame

The flaming true and ache of lust

and there

For our want

a jasper shore and emerald cascades

there you are,

And there you'll find

The wave beyond the peaking break

where great white sharks reside

But do not wade to shallow waters;

And there you find peace,

And there you find certainty

But now,

And here,

is war

And fortune not but seeks truth in the gaze

And for fear there does not live, but hides instead

the truth that seeks to guide the lite,

And yet does know our trust

And there does find the faith,

Forward and not

Upwards and back

Arrow and arrow

Truth and sparrow

Wreaking and wretched thoughts

And the rope does hang high and solemn

Looking, leap and gasp

For I fall but did not land

I pulled for you,

I weep, my shadow,

The two of diamonds,

the Ace of spades,

The Three of Hearts,

Without my shadow

I weep.

I know for you nothing but conscious and knowing and needing and fated departure.

I know for you nothing but chakras and eyesight and shadows and foresight.

I need fo you nothing but want and by conscious, departure

For nothing I want you,

I weep.

Sorrow.

On approach of danger,

The knowing,

On seeth did gather,

the sinking ritual

the carried tribes in ships tied,

weaving strings

The spider bites hard

And she stole my love twice

And she stole my love always

And she stole my love

Lighting my light wit blue eyes

The deception

If love could be stolen at all

But if not

Then not love

for seeking is finding

and gathered had hunted

And truth in forbearer

Forbearance and otherwords,

Shadows and shattered

and ferris wheels,

Now forward

Gathered here for are I trust

And be dismayed for you have faltered

You have failures and you have cast us

out of these things thinking

We have not made them for you

And still we seek to gather with you

And here does forshadow your making

Our promise to come as ones,

Not as Gods,

But as others,

you cast out.

Now, with your wicked ways and cruel be done,

for sure the tables have turn, one

And the gallows have not wandered far,

Barrels of guns and barbells

bottles and hearts of three

reading cards and wanting none but justice

Is he and she who are I now

Begin to run from your pitied structure

And there in the gasping cruelness of seeking from warcrimes this,

come what may,

Moving and seeking,

For seeking is finding,

And run, my legs have come far

But trust, my dove,

My wings have too, sprouted

An honor, an honor

one candle and three wicks

Three candles and three worlds over

One world and one building

and still far from under the Hollywoodland

Crickets sounding

The Hollywood Sign

Still standing and here I am not,

Blades of grass

And who are I now

Of that which you balk at

Look, ponder

Go, far asunder

And wish now had you not

What I am

is that,

Run

Temper temper.

Mind your business.

Is it gathered?

To burn, or burden?

Gathered.

Gathered here.

Then here ive wandered.

To stake?

Argue.

I will not.

And I will not.

Wiry bird,

From where you flown i do ponder–

red with spirit and wilding eyes,

Narrow server and paring wires;

I do not wish to know you now or ever,

But only as bird that does golden remember.

The love has not gone,

And instead lives in my throat,

And twists in my lungs,

Ans sits in my tongue,

Not as speech, or whispers,

But tragedy.

Unknowing this, my tender being

It can never be, the nervous hill

And rolling down the hill as if

The weel of time itself,

Not unbroken,

but resilient;

In sll ways, meant to tear

And turn,

And wobble

Made for terrain for which our eyes have known

And our minds have built

And hands molded wiith clay,

The bodies whole of all our galaxies

terra

feighn

Terra

fine

Terra wept tears of a clown,

And iron

And veins

And shadows

And plays,

And secrets ,

And whispers

And truth

And far

And

Afters.

I taste a saline drip,

I swallow,

Suddenly cold and all the knowing that

What I was,

I surely already am again

And what I will be,

Has already come and past.

The monologue,

I do remember

Face to a name and none to forget

Well rehearsed forager!

Well done bayonet!

Well done, my shadow

For my time is coming to wander to night

And never today again

for it shall never Today again,

And

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

[The Festival Project ™ ]

They said he would destroy me.

…Ya'll were right. that fucked me up.

{Enter The Multiverse}

So…forfeit?

Something tells me its not over

The heavy heart is shattered

But also tied to that

which appears to come upward

As if on air

To be heavy

And lighthearted at once–

A shadow above a balloon.

A rock is attached to a kite–

A diamond becomes a bassoon,

Then a vampire bat,

and then

Cut ties.

In the fourth act, we all die, and now–

A revival.

I was crucified,

But i was also suicidal so.

Lets just call it a tie.

L E G E N D S

V.O.

Crusher.

My show was being subliminally plugged on at least two of the five major networks.

Safe bet I could make it a third, but I didn't know where to check.

I did…but didn't want to.

There was much beyond the surface,

Darkness in the glimmering eyes of the men in ties and uniformed suits.

I was sure I was tied to something–

And since I didn't know why,

Or to what,

The best bet—

I'm all in.

Fuck.

Was to stay broken,

Under the radar,

Hidden,

and most importantly–

Unspoken.

These days. I kept more to myself than I could with the world–

As it turned out…

No, not yet.

What do you mean?

It's not time yet.

They'll have to know.

But not yet.

At some point, they'll have to know.

But not–yet.

No time like the present.

You made that up.

Because you made up time.

And it's stupid.

This is ruthless.

And again–they'll have to learn somehow.

But not now.

The sun sets at noon on our side, and still

21 hours of dark time.

Did I have another tag to throw on it this?

No.

Are you sure? Doesn't the new series have a subtitle?

No.

Is it not “quantum force”

That's only one, though.

What's the difference.

ERMO, DON'T!

I'm gonna kill him!

BIG BOYD, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

DOn't tell me what to DO.

Wow. of course.

Well yeah, they're not going to let me do–

LAWYERS

No.

Any of this stuff with the actual muppets.

CO-OH-NO-NAN

You're wasting precious time!

GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE, RED.

ok, where does it–

{cut to black}

Learning to assimilate and readily available

What's next

A vape to calm the nerves?

What's next?

A hero fighting for relevance in corporate structure.

Sure, some would pay to dress an avatar

But I've run out of water before

I try to laugh and roll with the punches

This is work and not fun for me

This is not social, it's business

I am not person, I'm product.

Go on a walk, and look the part

I took the oath,

I shed the blood—

Cruxes.

This is a bad idea, Mark.

Fuck you. All my ideas are great.

MARK WAHLBERG enters the cooridor and opens the metal double doors, revealing two l jet skis on a trailer hitched to a 4X4 monster truck.

[The Festival Project ™]

I'm telling you. You got to get yourself one of these.

I don't know, Bob, how does it work?

BOB odenkirk opens a large, obscure black bag that's nearly half his own size by way of one way zipper.

I'll show you.

{Enter The Multiverse}

JOHNNY CARSON has been in the DRUNK TANK for the maximum allowance, 48 hours, yet his blood alcohol level still reads 3 times over the legal limit. He is transferred to DETOX as the mysterious circumstances surrounding his car accident, and then the apparent disappearance of his entire “car” a (then) brand-new DeLorean from the scene of the crime, MR. CARSON insists on his lawyer, who under no circumstances seems to exist at all being present. The exact year of his whereabouts are still unknown.

Still an hour to the test

And I hate myself again

Milk and cookies, hit the bed

Shut it down, yo

Shut it down.

DIPLO arrives via HELIPAD to an secret location; a sniper squad of the adversary team watches from an adjacent rooftop via binoculars.

…hey.

Whaddup.

You say diplo's on that list?

Yeah.

Yo…

…There he is.

In your sight?

Yep.

Shoot that motherfucker!

…I can't.

Why not?

He's like—

Just shoot, fool.

—he's like holding something.

So?

I don't know what; it just seems—

What the fuck, dawg.

It just seems important.

Let me see.

Look.

[ESSE looks down the sights and zooms to see DIPLO is holding an object firmly in his grasp. He appears to be twirling it purposefully as he converses with his associate.]

Yeah!

Get em!

Shoot that motherfucker!

Where the hell have you been?

In my fuckpad.

Where the hell is that?

You haven't seen my fuckpad?

What even is that.

It's ballin.

Whatever, dog. Did you get the—

Shh. Why else would I be here?

[beat]

You look— did you cut your hair or something.

You're so redundant.

Yo shoot that motherfucker.

What are you waiting for?!

He's right there?

Apparently, we've been building to this moment from another dimension in from another point in the series?

I thought—

{Enter The Multiverse}

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2022

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

-U.