In this Mature Man series we are working through the Maturity Wheel discussing 5 interconnected areas of a man’s life and slowing down to give us helpful filters and rails to run on to grow in those areas. This week we are moving into the “Relationships” section discussing the most consequential human relationship we will ever have.
Most men have never asked the question, “What is the purpose of marriage?”
Not because they don’t care about their marriage, but because nobody told them it was a question worth asking. We picked up our understanding of marriage from movies, TV shows, our parents — however that went — and maybe a premarital counseling session where someone drew a triangle and explained that God goes on top.
And then we got married. And we’ve been just figuring it out as we go.
The problem is that when you don’t know what something is for, you treat it casually and without the intention it requires. You show up, but you don’t really engage. And over time, that casual posture produces a mediocre marriage. Not a disaster, necessarily. Just... not much of anything.
That is what immaturity in marriage looks like. It doesn’t have to be yelling and slamming doors (although that is an immature way to handle anything). Sometimes it looks like a man who is physically present but spiritually checked out. A man going through the motions without any real sense of what he is building or why it matters.
The depth of your understanding of marriage is directly proportional to the intentionality you will bring to it.
If you think marriage is mainly about companionship and comfort — you will pursue comfort. If you think marriage is a mission — you will pursue the mission. What you believe it is shapes everything about how you show up to it.
In order to grow in our maturity in marriage, we need to start at the beginning. Because if we get this wrong, nothing else will stick.
IT WAS NOT MAN’S IDEA
Most people think the family is a social structure humans invented to make life more manageable. That marriage is a cultural arrangement we developed over time for practical reasons — property, children, stability. And on a long enough timeline it became tradition, and tradition became institution, and here we are.
That is not what Genesis tells us.
Genesis 1:26-28 says this:
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion...”
Before God creates them, he announces his intention. Image and dominion in the same breath. You were designed to represent Him — to show the world what He looks like in how you live, lead, and love. And you were given a mandate to exercise dominion over creation on His behalf.
This was not a suggestion. It was a commission.
The family was not man’s idea. It was God’s first institution — created before the church, before government — and it serves as the bedrock of all civilization. Marriage was designed to be the primary vehicle through which God’s image and authority would be known throughout the earth.
That changes things. Or it should.
THE MANDATE WAS GIVEN TO BOTH OF THEM
Look at how God issues this commission. He doesn’t hand it to Adam and tell him “good luck.” Genesis 1:27 says he created them — male and female — and verse 28 says God blessed them.
The mission was never just his. It was theirs.
In Genesis 2:18, when God says it is not good for man to be alone, he says he will make a helper (Hebrew “ezer”) fit for him. The word ezer in Hebrew is not a word for someone diminished by her role. It is the same word used to describe God himself when he comes to the aid of his people. It is strength language. And kenegdo — translated “fit for him” — means corresponding to, standing in the presence of, face to face.
The woman was not created as an afterthought or an assistant. She was designed as the necessary counterpart without whom the mission of Genesis 1:28 could not be carried forward. Her full strength — not a toned-down version of it — deployed in service of a shared mission.
Two image-bearers. One mission. That is what marriage was built for.
WHAT SIN DID TO THE MISSION
Then Genesis 3 happens. And everything gets complicated.
Sin does not cancel the mandate. But it corrupts the people carrying it. The mission is still in place but the carriers are broken.
And here is how the brokenness tends to show up in men specifically. We either check out or we take over.
The man who checks out goes passive. He stops leading. He lets the family drift. He is present enough to not be accused of abandoning anyone, but he is not actually in the game. He has abdicated his God-given responsibility and become a shepherd who has abandoned his sheep without ever physically leaving.
The man who takes over goes the other direction. He weaponizes his authority. He leads by control instead of sacrifice. He uses his strength to serve himself instead of his family. He has become a king who rules only for himself.
Neither one looks like Jesus. And neither one looks like the man described in Genesis chapter 1.
PAUL PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN
About four thousand years after God gives the mandate to Adam and Eve, Paul writes to the church at Ephesus and says something that should reframe everything:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:31-32)
Paul is saying that marriage was never just a practical arrangement. It was always a living picture of the gospel. God didn’t borrow the marriage image to explain the gospel. He designed marriage to preview it.
The husband’s leadership was always meant to look like Christ — sacrificial, not dominant. Laying his life down for the one entrusted to him.
The wife’s partnership was always meant to look like the church — not diminished, but fully engaged. Deploying her full strength in the direction of the mission.
And the children watching? They are being raised in the most powerful seminary on earth. They are learning who God is through what they see at home.
This is why the enemy has fought so hard to destroy the family. He knows what it represents. When the family is broken, the picture of Christ is obscured. When the family is restored, the gospel is on full display.
THE MISSION RECOMMISSIONED
After the resurrection and before he ascends to Heaven, Jesus tells his disciples (and all of us) this:
“All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” (Matthew 28:18-20)
That language should sound familiar. All authority — that is dominion language. Go — that is the language of the mandate. Make disciples of all nations — that is multiply and fill the earth.
The Great Commission is not a different mission. It is the original mission restored, empowered, and recommissioned through the blood of Christ.
What Adam failed to do, Jesus made possible again. And unlike Adam, we do not carry this mandate in our own strength. We have been given the Holy Spirit — the same power that raised Christ from the dead — to empower us to do what we were originally commissioned to do.
That mission starts in the four walls of your home.
Strong couples lead strong families. Strong families build strong churches. Strong churches build strong communities. And strong communities become the places where God’s will is done on earth as it is in heaven.
This is not sociology. This is theology.
WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE
My wife and I have been married for almost seventeen years. It feels like with every passing year, I understand more and more about how God is using our marriage. That deeper understanding leads to a greater reverence for it as well. And the more reverence I have for it, the more intentional I become.
I still have a lot to learn and there are times that I still blow it. The growth that I have experienced has never been comfortable. I’ll give you an example.
Like every couple, there are times when Staci and I may have some disagreements. Here is the truth…my wife is simply better at arguing her point than I am (maybe you can relate). She just is. She is sharper in the moment, quicker with her words, and if it were a competition, she would win on points every time. For years, I used that dynamic as an excuse to disengage. “Why fight when I know I won’t win?” I would manage the conflict just enough to get back to peace. Keep it calm. Keep it civil and try to move on.
I told myself I was keeping the peace. What I was actually doing was choosing comfort over the mission. I was treating the difficult moments of my marriage like a problem to be managed rather than a fight worth having. Not a fight against her — a fight for us.
When you don’t fully understand what you are fighting for, it is easy to drift into mediocrity. The stakes don’t feel high enough to engage. You do the minimum to keep things functional and call it good.
But here is what changed for me. The more the depth of this covenant grew in me — the more I understood what God commissioned us to do together — the more I became motivated to lean into the uncomfortable moments instead of leaning out. Because a man who understands what his marriage represents does not get to opt out when it gets hard. Apathy is not an option. Not when you understand the weight of what you are carrying.
Mature men reject apathy and embrace difficulty. We were not built to manage. We were built to lead.
FOR THE MAN WHO IS NOT MARRIED YET
This is not only for the men already in it. If you are single, this is the most important time to build the right framework.
Most men spend more time researching which truck to buy than they do thinking about what kind of marriage they want to build — and more importantly, what kind of man their wife will need them to be.
Here is what I want you to hear: learn this now and it will save you years of frustration and wandering. The question you should be asking about a potential spouse is not only whether you are attracted to her. The question is whether she is someone you can advance the kingdom with. That is the standard Genesis sets. Not perfection — mission alignment.
The mission does not begin when you get married. It began the moment God made you in his image. You are not in a waiting room right now. You are in training for what is coming.
This one may be less about what you do today and more about what you internalize. However, I think there are some practicals you can apply. So I will leave you with these:
* Take this to prayer. Ask God to give you a deeper revelation of your marriage — what it is, what it is for, and what it demands of you. Ask the Holy Spirit for the conviction and the courage to live it out daily. This is not a one-time prayer. It is an ongoing posture.
* For some of you, the next step is repentance. Not to God only, but to your wife. If you have been passive, checked out, leading by control, or simply going through the motions — she deserves to hear you own it. That conversation will not be comfortable. Do it anyway.
* Have this mission conversation with your wife. Sit down together and ask: what is God calling our family to? What does it look like for us to actually carry this mandate together? If you have the courage, send her this post and have her read it before you talk. – If you are wife reading this right now, know that your husband truly cares about this and desires to walk through this with you. That’s a great thing.
Some questions to get you started in that conversation:
* Do we have a shared sense of what God has called our family to? If not, what would it take to build one?
* Where have I been passive or absent in my leadership of our family?
* What is one area where we could be more intentional about the mission God has given us together?
* What does it look like for our home to be a place where the gospel is visible?
The world is waiting on your family to step into its intended design. That starts with you understanding what you were made for.
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