The Frustration Factor

When I dropped into our local coffee shop, several of my podcasting friends were deep into a conversation that had been going on for a while. I’m not sure how they got onto the topic they were tossing around, but they seemed to have some strong ideas that I found pretty interesting. As best I can tell, the conversation is focusing on how they think upping their style game could or should work. They were so into it that I didn’t want to interrupt so I just listened in. Please press Play and join me so we can listen in together.

(Roger Fisher and William Ury)

You can change the game. You start by changing your attitude.

Separate the people from the problem.

Attack the problem and never the people.

Focus on interests, not on positions.

Invent options that benefit both sides.

What is your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement, your BATNA?

(Dr. Norman Vincent Peale)

Always play with abandon.

The next time you're faced with a problem, try a new approach.

Make up your mind to win and nothing else.

It is always too soon to quit.

All the resources you need are in your mind.

Failure comes most often to people who are unable to focus themselves.

We tend to become precisely like that which we habitually imagine ourselves to be. …

(Robert M. Bramson)

Do not automatically respond by trying to solve difficult people's problems.

Do not automatically agree with difficult people even if you think they are right.

Never argue with difficult people.

Always feed back the difficult person's main points before you do anything else.

(Hermine Hilton)

Remember people's names and what they tell you.

Remember what you are doing, what you are supposed to do, what you have and have not done.

Be sure what you want to remember is collected and connected.

Link what you do not know to what you do know.

(Dave Winter)

Do you always follow through on promises?

Do you get back with people who are trying to get in touch with you?

Do you communicate a sincere interest in the person with whom you are communicating, even if he or she is boring or difficult? Do you give the person the impression that you want to help?

Do you take the initiative to find a way to help, a way to say yes?

People do not want to know what you cannot do for them; they want to know what you can do for them.

Clear communication is your responsibility, not the other person's.

You cannot listen and talk at the same time.

(Peter F. Drucker)

It is your vision or its absence that shapes your future.

Assignments change all the time and unpredictably, although the job may not change.

You cannot build performance on weaknesses; you can only build it on strengths.

The things you did to get a promotion are not the things you need to do now.

The ultimate test of success is success.

(Zig Ziglar)

If you don't think you deserve success, you will do things to keep you from getting it.

It is not the lack of time that is the problem, it is the lack of direction.

How can you reach a goal you do not have?

You will get everything in life you want if you just help enough other people get what they want.

You cannot reach someone else's goal.

In order for a goal to be effective, it must affect change.

You go as far as you can see; and when you get there, you always will be able to see further.

People who wait for an external change before they make an internal decision will get cooked in the squat, never succeed.

Just because you are running doesn't mean you have to like it.

Stinking thinking leads to hardening of the attitudes.

You can only start from where you are with what you've got.

You don't climb the high mountain by yourself; it is in conjunction with others that you really accomplish the major things in life.

(Michael Korda)

If you are serious about wanting our relationship to work well for both of us:

Help me get what I want and need, help me succeed.

Assume I am trying to do well, trying to succeed.

Do not assume you are a better judge of how things are for me than I am.

Do not use yourself as the standard for how I should think, feel, or behave.

Hold me responsible only for what I can actually do and can control.

Value who I am, my style and personality.

Assume I believe what I say and do not intentionally misrepresent anything.

Respect my feelings and opinions.

Be sensitive to my motivations and interests.

Give me the benefit of the doubt when things are not clear or certain.

If you value me and our relationship:

Make time for me.

Accept me as is without trying to change me.

Respect my ideas and opinions.

If you want me to be comfortable with you and with our relationship:

Be someone I can depend on.

Do not expect me to think, feel and behave just like you.

Spend more time telling me what you think I am doing right than what you think I am doing wrong.

Do not take your problems and bad mood out on me.

If you want me to cooperate with you:

Help me understand your goals and motivations.

Give me reasons and explanations when I ask for them.

Let me try to help solve your problems instead of expecting me to accept your solutions.

Be prepared to handle my being upset or unhappy with you at times.

When you have a problem with me:

Be assertive with me without becoming hostile or aggressive.

Keep your attention mostly on the problem and not on me.

If an argument or disagreement starts, keep it short, to the point, and under control.

Hang in there with me till we get the problem worked out.

If you want to succeed with most all of your relationships:

Understand and value what you can and cannot do.

Be open and up front about what you think and feel.

Be flexible and willing to compromise.

Be well-organized and prepared, whatever you are doing.

Be quick to praise and slow to criticize.

Be clear about what you want or expect.

Have the same level of energy and commitment when things are not going well as when they are.

Compliment publicly, criticize privately.

Be consistent and predictable.

Deal with problems and conflicts as soon as you become aware of them.

Focus primarily on what is working, on what is going well.

Put most of your attention and energy on how to get ideas to work and off why they will not work.

Give everything you do your best shot.

Handle whatever needs done in a timely manner.

Have good personal habits.

Invest most of your time and energy in getting things done.

Keep commitments and agreements.

Keep criticisms very specific.

Make the difficult decisions and accept responsibility for them when you believe it is necessary.

Pitch in and work a little harder, do a little more when necessary.

Stay positive and in a good mood most of the time.

Snap back from disappointments and those times when things do not work out the way you want.

Be spontaneous and usually ready for whatever.

Take personal responsibility when you see something that needs done and no one is doing it.

Try to understand the what and why of problems before...

Note that these 20 Reasons To Be a Democrat in 2020 are in no particular order and that it is not necessary to sign onto all 20 reasons. If you agree with or at least lean toward most of the reasons and don’t strongly disagree with the rest, being a Democrat in 2020 is likely the right choice for you.

Reason 1: You believe that it is important for business to flourish, but also believe that there are other aspects of society that deserve and must receive equal and sometimes greater consideration, when formulating government policy and regulation.

Reason 2: You believe that whether to carry a pregnancy to term is and should be the woman’s choice.

Reason 3: You believe that the accumulation of wealth by individuals and companies is an inevitable product of capitalism and should be limited and to some extent redistributed through regulation and taxation.

Reason 4: You believe that the nation’s natural resources and public areas should be protected from unsustainable use or exploitation through legislation and government regulation and from activities that represent undue risk to the areas where those resources and public areas are present.

Reason 5: You believe that the right to bare arms has to be balanced against the right to life and safety for the public and that buying, selling and possessing guns should thus be limited or restricted through government regulation or policy in order to reduce safety risks to the public.

Reason 6: You believe that global warming is a scientifically provable fact and represents a real and present danger for the planet and for its inhabitants. In particular, it represents a valid and significant threat to life in America.

Reason 7: You believe that America’s priorities and interests should be balanced with the priorities and interests of its nation friends and allies politically, economically and militarily on the world stage.

Reason 8: You believe that it is the responsibility of every adult to handle the economic aspects of his or her personal health and welfare requirements and responsibilities to the extent of their individual ability and opportunity and that it is the responsibility of government to at least partially compensate for any life-critical shortfall that may occur.

Reason 9: You believe that criminals and those who break the law should be held accountable for their actions, should have their liberty restricted to the extent that they represent a threat to the public and should receive appropriate penalties, supervision and successful rehabilitation before having their liberty fully restored, as they demonstrate their intention to conform to both law and social norms.

Reason 10: You believe that noncitizens who came to America as children should be allowed to stay if they are conforming to societal norms and not otherwise a threat to the safety and well being of other people. Additionally, you believe that, with appropriate screening, people from other countries should be permitted to come to America through established quotas and if they are at high risk of personal harm if they remain in their home countries.

Reason 11: You believe that government resources should be directed to helping children and adults who are unable to at least minimally provide for themselves, including health, food, shelter, and other personal necessities.

Reason 12: You believe that government should regulate business to the extent that doing so reduces the likelihood of catastrophic failure and prevents businesses from being able to avoid taxes and from becoming too big to permit fair and real competition within their business sector.

Reason 13: you believe that Americans expect and have a right not to be tracked or surveilled by government agencies and expect that their electronic devices and perso...

Note that these 20 Reasons To Be a Republican are in no particular order and that it is not necessary to sign onto all 20 reasons. If you agree with or at least lean toward most of the reasons and don’t strongly disagree with the rest, being a Republican in 2020 is likely for you.

Reason 1: You believe that what is good for business is good for America. Policies and regulations that are pro business are acceptable, while those that are not should be eliminated.

Reason 2: Abortion is eval and immoral.

Reason 3: The accumulation of wealth by individuals and companies is a natural product of successful capitalism and should not be limited or penalized by undue regulation or taxation.

Reason 4: The nation’s natural resources are vast and should be available to and accessible by those who are in a position to maximize their use as a key driver of the economic engine.

Reason 5: You believe that buying, selling and possessing guns is an unqualified Constitutionally guaranteed right of every American adult and should not be limited or restricted through government regulation or policy.

Reason 6: You believe that global warming is largely a scientific myth and represents little to no future risk for the planet or for its inhabitants. In particular, it represents no significant threat to life in America.

Reason 7: You believe that America’s priorities and interests should always come first politically, economically and militarily on the world stage.

Reason 8: You believe that it is the responsibility of every American adult to handle the economic aspects of all of his or her personal health and welfare requirements and responsibilities and that it is not the responsibility of government to compensate for any shortfall that may occur.

Reason 9: You believe that criminals and those who break the law should be held strictly accountable for their transgressions and should be punished harshly and swiftly.

Reason 10: You believe that America is here for the safety, protection and freedom of its citizens and that noncitizens should only be permitted to enter or allowed to stay if they demonstrate their ability to assimilate into the American culture as productive participants who are economically self sufficient, putting no stress on government resources or services.

Reason 11: You believe that socialism is a serious threat to the American way and that the country has already moved too far toward socialist policies and programs. Government handouts have gotten out of hand and have to be rolled back.

Reason 12: Government should be there to support business sectors when economic conditions or events cause or threaten disruptions in the profitable operation of business units within those sectors. This support should be economic and not regulatory, unless reducing regulations increases the viability of those business units.

Reason 13: You believe that the personal privacy expectations of individuals are (with appropriate court oversight) subordinate to the information and data needs of law enforcement and other governmental security organizations pursuing criminals and other identified security risks.

Reason 14: You believe that labor unions have a negative influence on business and economic growth and that they drive up costs, limit the flexibility of businesses and stifle economic development. At a individual level, they protect incompetent and unproductive employees and tie the hands of managers and administrators who are trying to resolve problems and issues within their organizations.

Reason 15: You believe that “clean energy” is an oxymoron and that the country runs on coal, natural gas, oil and electricity and that nothing should be done or permitted that restricts or threatens the supply or use of these ...

Step 1: Be sure I know who you are, who you represent and who you expect to benefit from the time I spend with you.

The first step has three important parts. First, I am more likely to trust you if I know who you are. It may seem not to matter but it always does. At a minimum, unless you are sure I already know, tell me your name. Add more information about who you are if you think it will help me to better know who you are or if I ask.

Second, tell me who you represent. It may seem obvious given the context, but don’t just assume. This is most important when you are representing more than yourself and your own interests.

Third, make it clear who you think will benefit if I spend this time with you. Do you think I will personally benefit? Do you think my company or business will benefit? Do you think some third party or organization will benefit? Do you think specific people will benefit or perhaps the community more generally? Who benefits?

Step 2: Give me a way to verify that you are who you say you are.

As we all know, this is the core problem with robocalls and door-to-door sales people and others who show up uninvited. We usually have no way of verifying that they are who they say they are or that they represent who they say they represent.

If you have legitimate credentials, show them to me, even if I don’t ask. If that is not an option, tell me how I can verify who you are and that you represent who you say you do.

The point is to give me a way to verify that you are legitimate.

Step 3: Be sure that I understand what you hope to get from the time you spend with me. What is the payoff for you or for whoever you represent?

This may be the real key to trust. I want to know if you are interested in anything or anyone beyond your own interests and profit. If I think you are in it for nothing beyond what you get out of the time I spend with you, I may still spend the time, but I will be cautious and certainly won’t trust you. I will take anything you say or suggest with a healthy grain of salt. Everything you say will have to pass through my BS filter. You are giving me ample reason not to trust you and no good reason to trust you.

Step 4: Be sure I understand what I get from the time I spend with you. What is the payoff for me?

This is the other side of the trust coin. What’s in it for me? Do I get a product, a solution to a problem I have, the opportunity to make a difference for others, an experience I will value, or some other benefit? Too often, people start here when they approach us. They make the pitch without doing their trust work first. They want us to do something or make decisions before we have any good reason to trust or believe them.

Assuming you have thoughtfully taken the steps to develop as much trust as you can, I need to know what the payoff is for me. Exactly what will you do, what can I expect? This is the value that I will consider trading for whatever you expect from me.

Step 5: Be sure I understand what your role is. What will you do and what actions will you take?

This is again a point where assuming is frequently a problem. You know what you will and won’t be doing and may simply assume that it’s obvious to me. Maybe it is but probably it isn’t. Make sure I know exactly what and how much I can expect you to do and what else will happen. It also adds to my trust when you take care to be sure that I understand and am comfortable with what will happen if I agree to do what you are asking me to do.

Step 6: Be sure I understand what you expect my role to be. What do you expect me to do and What actions do you expect me to take?

This is where it is easy to get the cart before the horse. Tell me what you will do first.

I’m wondering if you are finding the state of politics as confusing as I do. Maybe you have it all figured out, but I sure don’t. It’s a lot like peeling an onion, but only sort of. When peeling an onion, I take off one layer and am not surprised that the next level is still an onion. There is not much to be confused about as I peel away to the core. The onion is still an onion.

When peeling away the layers of politics, I suppose it’s all still politics. I can’t figure much else. On the surface, we have the Repubs and the Demos. As best I can tell, the Repubs want as little government and government interference as possible. Since they haven’t always been in charge, government has gotten out of hand, from their perspective. The best they can do is to refuse to support any new regulations or government funded services and eliminate or at least limit as many existing regulations and services as they can.

The Demos Believe that the Repubs are wrong. They believe that government is here to make sure that each of us has a fair shot at health, safety and general well being. Government is the nation’s care taker. To that end, regulation and government funded services are essential for the success of the nation.

When I was in junior high, we played a game called jungle football in the school gym -- Two teams: shirts and skins of course. The gym teacher would toss a football toward the middle of the court. The goal was to make a “basket” with the football at your team’s end of the court. After a “basket,” whichever team came away with the football kept it and tried to score. As best I recall, there were no rules other than “hitting” or “kicking” another player was not allowed and intentionally hurting someone would get you ejected from the game. It was pretty much minimal government at its best. It was definitely a Repubs kind of game.

I was also in the junior high band. Now that was a different deal altogether. With jungle football, everyone played, but only some of us ran to the football, ready to mix it up. The only participation rule was that you had to at least stay on the court. In the band, everyone had an instrument and was expected to play it, no matter how well or how badly. Being in the band was enough to assure participation. There were a lot of rules and regulations, and everyone was expected to cooperate in ways that enabled all band members to be successful. The guiding principle was the common good. Band was more of a Demo kind of experience.

It seems important to point out that Repubs and Demos are all real people, much like the rest of us. They just have different and often conflicting perspectives, points of view, value sets and expectations for government and for the purpose and role of government in our lives. There are of course zealots in both camps, but I suspect most of us don’t give much thought to it one way or the other most of the time. If we lean more toward self reliance and think things are going well for us, and for the folks we hang around with, we likely edge toward the Repubs. If we lean more toward feeling anxious about our situation and that of the people we identify with and worry about, we likely edge more toward the Demos. In that sense, politics is always personal.

Once we peel away that top level of the political onion though, the nature of politics and politicians changes rather dramatically. We learn that politics has less to do with philosophy and the nature and purpose of government than with gaining enough control and influence to individually protect and support a baffling array of interests and priorities. Since this is far from a zero sum game, some win but most fair less well.

Peel down another layer and we discover that the elected politicians who appear to be the key actors in the political arena are mostly the public face of a shifting collective of interests and pr...

I resolve to be more thoughtful about when and if people are taking advantage of me and to be more cautious about my tendency to go along to get along. My issue here is twofold. First, an unfortunate element of human nature is that letting people take advantage of me simply encourages them to repeat the behavior in the future. The more people take advantage of me, the more people will take advantage of me. Second, being taken advantage of evokes anger, frustration, resentment, and related energy draining emotions and feelings. Along with being unpleasant, these emotions and feelings are unproductive and divert my attention and energy. For me, the bill associated with letting people take advantage of me is quite simply too high. I still want to be cooperative and helpful but not at the cost of my sense of well-being.

I resolve to be less willing to argue with anyone about anything. I know that people who argue with anyone, anywhere, at any time are attempting to manipulate and control others by confusing them, wearing them down, and by emotionally and intellectually overpowering them. Alternatively, I'll do a better job of simply presenting my thoughts, perceptions, intentions, or point of view and stop. I'll listen and consider what the other person is saying, adjust my ideas and plans as I think is appropriate, but then stop. If the other person wants to pursue the issue, they must do so without my further participation.

I resolve to step back some and be less willing to try to take charge of anything or anyone. Sure, I'm assertive and comfortable with my position and authority and don't hesitate exercising that authority appropriately and responsibly. The point here is that I'll work to avoid using power junkie strategies including manipulation, power games, and expanding my locus of control at the involuntary expense of others. Will I gain more control and influence over time? Yes I likely will. The remarkable point is that this expanding locus of influence will just happen without any active intent of mine. My expanding influence is thus a gift given to me by others and not something I either expect or demand. If I deserve it, being seen as a leader will come in time. It seems likely that this is a product of my getting better at recognizing and exploiting opportunities to facilitate the success of other people. It's a function of an extrinsic but essential aspect of other people's success. They just would not be as successful without me.

I resolve to get better at adjusting to people and circumstances without compromising my values, beliefs, personal style, position, or self-perceived status. I don't expect others to adjust to or accommodate to me, unnecessarily, inappropriately, or unilaterally. I'll remain who I am regardless of who is present or the specific situation but will intentionally adjust my behavior and demeanor so that others can perceive and relate to me in positive and useful ways. In this way, I'll avoid any extraneous emotional or social clutter, thus maximizing the opportunity available with each person and in each situation.

I resolve to be more flexible and accommodating to the needs, preferences, and individual situations of other people. My emphasis will be on "accommodating." I want to be flexible enough to help meet the needs of other people or at least to not prevent those needs being met. The preferences of other people will always be considered to the extent that they don't preclude satisfying my needs and interests. The point is that I'll make room for others and their priorities so long as this does not prevent my long-term success.

I resolve to be more positive as I demonstrate my respect for and pleasure with the successes and accomplishments of other people. The key here for me is to respect the achievements of others and actively demonstrate my respect and the pleasure I experience when they do well. Respect in this context includes holding the other person and the action or accomplishment in high esteem, feeling delighted, and actively expressing approval.

I resolve to resist the temptation to expect others to always do as well as they sometimes do. I know that is both unreasonable and counterproductive. The unspoken or perhaps spoken message is, "You aren't giving it your best effort. You should always do as well as you did before. This applies to a sales person making an unusually big sale, a scientist making a new discovery, a team winning the big game, and so on but also applies to less consequential events and activities. It's appropriate to expect excellent performance but I know that expecting exceptional or perfect performance every time is a sure way to demoralize and frustrate any person.

I resolve to be sure I am not using my position or authority to run roughshod over other people. I know to deal with people and problems directly and assertively. I also know that many people in positions of authority like pointing out that they always place the blame squarely on the person who did not get the job done. This is, from my point of view, a sure sign that the person in authority knows nothing about people. When a job doesn't get done or doesn't get done as well as expected, it's obvious that someone didn't get the job done. It's also frequently easy to see who didn't get it done. At that point, the authority junkie is quick to point a finger, "The job didn't get done and you are the one who didn't get it done." Here is the glitch. The authority junkie's approach usually appears to work. The problem doesn't recur, performance improves, the job gets done the next time. At the same time, people become more cautious, less creative, and more concerned about avoiding the authority junkie's ire than in developing better ways to do the job and continuously improving their performance. "Good enough" becomes the standard, good enough to avoid the pointing finger of the authority junkie. For me, the alternative to blaming and finger pointing needs to be automatic. "This is disappointing. You must be at least as frustrated as I am about it. Can we see if we can figure out how to get a better outcome next time? What would help? How can I help?" Sure, enough is enough at times, even for me. People need to be held accountable and deal with the consequences of poor performance. For me though, this needs to be a down-the-road eventuality and never where I start.

I resolve to remember that some people have a short fuse, are highly reactive, and are ready to go to war over anything, while other people are tired, frustrated, anxious, stressed, and atypically touchy and contentious. Either way, I'll conscientiously manage my interactions, emotions, reactions, and behavior in ways that minimize conflict, animosity, and contentiousness. This doesn't mean that I'll hold back, equivocate, or be reluctant to pursue my point of view, opinion, or expectation. To the contrary, I'm typically assertive, clear, and forthcoming. My point here is that conflicts and disagreements are managed as negotiations and not as arguments and battles. Confrontation and power games are seldom the best choice for resolving friction points and personality clashes. I have far better and more effective tools at hand and am going to focus more on taking care to use them instead of resorting to emotionally charged war games.

I resolve to more consistently project a calm, conciliatory demeanor, avoiding any tendency to be harsh or abrasive, even when confronted by animosity or hostility from others. At the same time,

I resolve to be even more accepting of and tolerant with people with differing personalities, traits and characteristics, personal styles, individual values and beliefs, and for their idiosyncrasies. I will also work at better managing fluctuations in people's moods, points of view, and interests.

I resolve that especially with friends, co-workers and family, I will always assume that they will succeed, assume that they will do things correctly, assume that they will give everything they do their best effort. I'm surprised when other people make mistakes, give things less than their best effort, don't succeed. Since I expect success, I'll take on some degree of personal responsibility for mistakes of others, lackluster effort, non-success. My first take on the situation is that I haven't been smart enough or skilled enough to effectuate the right outcome. For that reason, I'll work with the person to identify the deficiencies. When possible, I'll modify my performance so that I can facilitate the other person's success.

I resolve to try harder to accept people as is. My goal isn't to change anyone. Rather, I'll make the effort to focus on encouraging and facilitating in ways that enable each person to achieve optimal performance within the context of their skills, abilities, and interests. Concurrently, I expect people to expand and improve their capacities and am ready to help with that process however I can. I don't expect People to change but expect them to grow and develop.

I resolve to do a better job with remembering to praise my children, friends and family when they do well. I'll take care not to praise too little but also will try to avoid making it seem like little more than a polite habit. I won't be stingy with praise nor be excessive with it. I'll be quick to recognize and acknowledge the successes and accomplishments of others but won't confuse praise with simple good manners. Please and thank you and noting that someone did a good job or was helpful are not examples of praise. They are rather, merely examples of good manners and are just part of my habitual deportment. Alternatively, praise is an intentional and thoughtful action which privately or publicly acknowledges and commends excellence. I reserve praise for exceptional or extraordinary performance, never missing an opportunity to praise when anyone meets that standard.

I resolve to resist the temptation to either focus on what is not going well or on what is. It may be a function of human nature to attend mostly to the negative or to the positive, depending on one's personality; but I'll keep in mind that this is not a simple matter of choice or personal preference. The key to my success is seeing that neither focusing on the positive nor on the negative is advisable. Here's the perspective I'll always try to keep in mind. The reality is that things are continuously transitioning from a past state to a future state. My primary responsibility is to affect the transition so as to actualize the desired future state. To do this, the task is to reduce and eliminate the disparity between the present and future states, without redefining or compromising the desired future state. My focus then needs to be on the cluster of elements that affect the future state either as contributors or as detractors, understanding that neither is more or less important than the other. Focus must be on the gestalt. In short, I'll be keeping my eye on the big picture, on the way on down the road.