The Gerard Cosloy Radio Hour (That Feels Like Two Hours)

There’s an old saying in the streaming radio business ;  you have forever to organize your first show, but you only have 1330 days to prepare for your 190th.  
 
 I’m no making excuses, far from it.  I’ve always been the type to embrace a challenge, even with the clock ticking, so to speak. And I’m pretty sure I’d not be able to successfully complete such monumental tasks were it not for the example and inspiration provided by Dave Draiman’s PR team, whom never, ever, take a week off.  Kind of like me. 

I am going to assume most of you heard about the host of a recent (bullshit) awards show bombing so badly his name will now be forever associated with BOMBING BADLY. While I would not watch such a program even if you paid me $300 (though might reconsider for $350), I am not without empathy for this person as his profession is quite difficult. I only know one joke (it's the one about the guy tied to a tree in the middle of nowhere who is found by a state trooper) and no one has ever laughed at it. Even when I explain I didn't write it, people are still furious at me for telling it (provided they can stay awake for the conclusion) and that's why this program will continue to be a HUMOR-FREE ZONE.

2024 resolutions for the show 

 1) as I’ve been bereft of ideas for at least 3 years, lean on @bogstandard2 for all programming decisions (he’s responsible of this week’s Su Lyn selection)

 2) when Mark runs out of ideas in 4-5 weeks, segue to an ALL-FANG FORMAT. Nothing but Fang, every show. 
 
 3) after the initial FANG BUMP, listenership will drop to the low double digits at which point I’ll announce a lengthy sabattical with a cryptic tweet (ok, “X”) simply reading “FANGS FOR THE MEMORIES”
 
 and that’s it.  Everything else is fine and why fuck with perfection. 

Prior to the taping of the LAST EPISODE OF 2023, I photographed the automotive monstrosity above in the parking lot of East 7th Street's H.E.B. and decided to hang around for a bit in order see what sort of person would willingly own such a thing. I'll admit, I had my own preconceptions. Perhaps it was a Tesla exec looking to create a "viral" moment.  Or maybe it would be someone who'd come into a windfall after excelling in their chosen field (ie. social media director for Whirr).  No such luck and I think you're gonna be floored when I reveal the ID of the car's owner, but if you can correctly name the motorist in question, you'll win 2 tickets for New Year's Eve at Hotel Vegas 
 
 (second prize is 4 tickets for New Year's Eve at Hotel Vegas)

this week’s show is devoted to identifying which product —if any — can be called “the Furby of Xmas 2023” (actual Furbies made in 2023 are ineligible as they’re substantially less popular than The Replacements ‘Tim’ remixes box, currently half off at online retail because everyone knows if you get one for a kid you’ll be done for child abuse). Apparently it’s someone or something called a Squishmallow and learning this is not dissimilar to my reading that some alleged a-lister has just been accused or charged with something heinous. I mean, I still have no idea who Artie Hammer is.  
That’s the great thing about listener phone calls — aside from how 99% of you have faces made for (internet) radio — every week is an education.

Dear Friends,
presumably you've seen or read about the TikTok manifesto recited by a semi-popular recording artist deeply aggrieved over the somewhat muted launch for a new recording project. Please understand that while I've not seen the rant or heard the album in question, I wholeheartedly applaud any and all efforts to BLAME THE AUDIENCE (especially if takes the heat off long-suffered recording companies). And yeah, I RELATE. BIG TIME. Much the way an exceedingly talented singer-songwriter has seen years of hard work almost entirely ignored upon release, week after week I produce the GREATEST RADIO PROGRAMS of this or any era and you motherfuckers (to paraphrase Alan Partridge) would rather hear a podcast about Dan the Dagger man from Dagenham. For as long as I can possibly remember, The Customer Has Always Been Wrong and if calling out those wrongs is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Fuck, I need to lie down for a little while.

I wasted precious minutes / brain cells this week reading about the modern phenomena dubbed “The Envy Office”. Though I’ve come to understand that every occasion in life — from hotel stays to medical procedures to Static-X reunions to self-immolations - is meant to be a  gramable moment, please understand that this program stands in stark opposition to such craven behavior. Congrats on having a job, if you want others to envy you, please fuck the fuck off forever.  I am not sharing photos of this program’s Envy Studio because the quality of the show has already done enough damage to your self-esteem as is (to say nothing of mine)

sincere apologies for the plethora of engineering errors on this week's program --- I've been up very late the last several nights trying to locate the second episode of "Tattingers" (1988) in which Stephen Collins' titular character tangles with a young provocateur quite obviously based on Peter Missing. While I remember this (awful) episode quite vividly, I've not been able to find the footage on any of the streaming services (I did, however, learn that MUBI and Tubi are two entirely different platforms, so there's that) or in the darkest corners of the internet. Please don't insult my fantastic memory by asking, "did that really happen?". I promise you it did and this week's episode is dedicated to making sure it never happens again.

I'm sure you were all shocked to read reports out of Australia this morning that Anton Newcombe allegedly fired / assaulted his guitarist onstage last night (he probably has a name but I cannot be bothered to look it up) and it does seem a genuine shame that a person with so much talent / humility is prone to breaking up his own bands in such a fashion. Which poses the question, wouldn't Newcombe be doing a genuine public service if he attacked other bands' musicians in mid-set and compelled them to quit. I'll be taking calls on this subject sometime between hours 1 and 2 of this week's show, but i'd really like to see how Anton matches up with God's Hate.

It was 4 years ago today that Doug Mosurock introduced the world (well, me, anyway) to the wondrous independent cinematic achievement "Gramps Goes To College", in which a decrepit protagonist introduces an all-too-typical university campus to the joys of CRITICAL THINKING.  Widely ignored at the time, "Gramps Goes To College" has since gone on to become a cult classic in the old "midnight movies" vein of "Harold & Maude", "I Spit On Your Grave" or "Dig! (Two Bands No One Should Listen To On A Bet, Yet Here's A Fucking Film About Them)". I for one, however, am sick of it.  I no longer wanna see your "Gramps Goes To College"-themed Halloween costumes.  I cannot bear another reference to "Gramps Goes To College" dialogue in the television series "Billions". OTOH, 2 mere (punishing) hours is a lot faster and cheaper than matriculating at Bari Weis' Austin University (provided it ever opens).