In a shocking turn of events, an alleged classified government document has been leaked, revealing a nationwide crackdown on preparedness. That’s right—according to this top-secret dossier, the feds have officially declared war on preppers.

Why? Apparently, being too prepared is now considered a “threat to national stability.” Instead of self-sufficiency, they’re pushing total reliance on the system, promoting cricket protein, government-issued “safe spaces,” and mandatory community trust falls.

This so-called “Prepping Prohibition Act” reads like a doomsday prepper’s worst nightmare:

Mylar Bags – Considered “dangerous storage devices” that allow citizens to “hoard” food instead of “sharing in communal rationing.”
Freeze-Dried Food – Deemed a “subversive food source” that encourages independence. FEMA says it’s better to wait in line for your assigned rations.
Off-Grid Living – Solar panels, rainwater collection, and composting toilets? Now classified as tax-dodging terrorism.
YouTube Channels About Prepping – The government claims these channels “spread dangerous misinformation about self-reliance.” Popular creators are being re-educated at Camp Trust-the-Experts.
HAM Radios – Too much independent communication. Instead, they’re pushing a new, federally approved emergency broadcast app that conveniently only works when the internet is up.
Guns & Ammo? – Still legal! But only if you register your firearms and sign an oath to never think about using them.

Since the government isn’t completely heartless, they’re offering official alternatives to these now-illegal prepping supplies:

Cricket Protein Rations – “A sustainable food source for the future.” (Never mind that the politicians banning beef are still eating steak.)
Government-Issued Safe Spaces – Every citizen is assigned a Safe Space where they can report unauthorized preparedness activity and practice deep breathing exercises instead of panicking during an emergency.
The Official Citizen Reliance Program – All individuals will now be assigned a government sponsor who will ensure they only consume the “approved amount” of food and resources per week.

Look, we shouldn’t be telling you this… but if you don’t want to get caught violating the Prepping Prohibition Act, here are some highly classified tips:

Label your food storage as “emotional support rice” – They can’t take what they don’t understand.
Hide your survival gear inside “useless” objects – Convert a tactical backpack into a Yoga Mat Carrier to stay compliant.
Instead of bugging out, practice “Emergency Staycations” – Just don’t call it homesteading, or you’ll be on a list.
If questioned, claim you’re just a really big fan of “government stability” – Maybe they’ll give you a bigger cricket ration.

We all knew the government was getting out of control, but this is next-level crazy. The real question is: Who leaked this document? Some say it was an inside job—a rogue bureaucrat who still believes in personal responsibility. Others claim it’s a trap to see who reacts the hardest. Either way, one thing’s clear:

Stock up while you still can.

Or… you know… maybe check today’s date. Happy April Fools’!

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