When Your Child Cuts You Off: Finding Hope Through Family Estrangement
Family relationships have changed dramatically across generations. For today's parents and grandparents, disagreements that previous generations might have considered ordinary family conflict can sometimes lead to prolonged distance—or complete estrangement.
Dr. Joshua Coleman has spent decades studying and working with families experiencing these painful divisions. His perspective is informed not only by his professional experience but also by his own experience with estrangement and reconciliation.
In this episode of The Grand Tribe Podcast, Greg Payne and Dr. Coleman focus particularly on what estrangement means for grandparents—and what grandparents can actually do when a relationship with an adult child begins to deteriorate.
Recognizing the warning signs
Coleman says estrangement needs to be taken seriously much earlier than many older parents and grandparents realize.
A child becoming less available, withdrawing, failing to return calls or texts, or creating increasing distance can be signals that something needs attention.
His advice isn't to defend yourself immediately.
Instead, ask whether something has happened that caused the other person to need more space—and communicate that you're willing to listen, receive feedback, and work on yourself.
The rules have changed.
One of Coleman's central observations is that today's family relationships operate under different cultural expectations than those many Baby Boomers and Gen Xers experienced.
Older generations may think:
"We argued. So what?"
But younger generations may interpret those same conflicts very differently.
Coleman argues that parents and grandparents need to understand the language and expectations of the generation they're trying to remain connected to—including concepts such as boundaries, emotional safety, and mental health.
Don't defend. Get curious.
One of Coleman's most important pieces of advice is for parents to look for the "kernel, not the bushel of truth" in their adult child's complaints.
Rather than explaining why the child is wrong, blaming a spouse or therapist, or listing everything the parent did correctly, Coleman recommends listening for what may actually be true in the child's experience.
That doesn't require agreeing with every accusation.
It requires curiosity, empathy, responsibility, and a willingness to change.
What if you don't know why you're estranged?
This is one of the most useful portions of the conversation for grandparents.
Coleman describes what he calls the "flush them out of the bushes" letter—a letter that essentially says:
I know you wouldn't have cut off contact unless you felt it was the healthiest thing for you. I don't completely understand what happened, but I recognize I may have blind spots. I'd like to understand what I've done or said that contributed to this distance.
The goal isn't to win an argument.
The goal is to make it safer for the other person to tell you the truth.
When grandchildren are part of the estrangement
For grandparents, losing an adult child can be devastating.
Losing access to grandchildren can feel like a different kind of loss.
Coleman explains that grandparents may be cut off from grandchildren even when the grandchildren themselves did not cause the conflict.
He also discusses whether grandparents should continue sending birthday cards and gifts—and suggests that, if they have not been told to stop, continuing those expressions of love can sometimes be meaningful.
He even suggests that some grandparents might keep a "treasure chest" of cards and gifts for grandchildren they may not be able to see, in case reconciliation eventually occurs—or as something the grandchildren can receive later.
The hardest part: the waiting
What happens when you've reached out, apologized, offered therapy, and respected boundaries—and then nothing happens?
Coleman's answer is particularly important:
Radical acceptance and hope are not opposites.
He recommends keeping "one foot in radical acceptance and one foot in hope."
Hope can remain.
But life cannot be put on hold while you wait for reconciliation.
Don't let estrangement become your entire identity
Coleman recommends a 360-degree approach to emotional health during estrangement.
Therapy can help, but so can exercise, meaningful activities, social relationships, work, hobbies, and other sources of identity and connection.
Estrangement can attack a person's sense of who they are.
That's why rebuilding the rest of life matters.
Finding the right therapist
Coleman makes an important distinction between finding a good therapist and finding a therapist who understands estrangement.
He says the therapist needs to understand the unique power dynamics of an estranged parent-adult child relationship.
In his view, traditional marriage-therapy models don't necessarily translate to estrangement because the adult child may have substantially more control over whether the relationship continues.
He encourages people to question prospective therapists about their approach and their understanding of estrangement before beginning therapy.
Estrangement affects the entire family system.
One of the most compelling broader points Coleman makes is that estrangement isn't necessarily just a dispute between two people.
When a parent and adult child become estranged, grandchildren, siblings, cousins, spouses, aunts and uncles can all become affected.
He describes estrangement as a "cataclysmic event in a family system."
Coleman argues that society needs to think about estrangement not only as an issue of individual autonomy but also in terms of what happens to the larger family network.
