last night I did a little sharing of my story with a family group of people that our loved ones of people diagnosed with mental health conditions and the first hour they do their class material and then the second hour I share my story and I've done it a couple of times before and so I was actually struck by the conversation that happened they read a part of the material that says recovery is the development of a new ego and identity structures to replace those damaged by our illnesses recovery is about wellness that is the redevelopment of a new and healthier personality and lifestyle an independent personality that is strong enough to stand on its own recovery takes place through creation of new patterns of behavior that make our lives more satisfying and productive and from that there was a conversation by the parents and loved ones and they were kind of saying how their loved ones are in the grief stage of they can't get back to who they were before so when I shared my story I talked about that i believe it is about creating a new self you can't really get back to the one that you were before and i didn't really say but if a person gets stuck in the grief face it's going to make it so one can't really move into this phase of rediscovery and recreation of oneself and that may include some of the old structures and then this sheet goes on to be like oh you got to give up your hopes and dreams and build a dream of lesser whatever and stuff which is kind of old thinking but they're trying to put it in like a positive light but i still think that it's important to harvest one's mania if one had mania and move towards that not just about developing patterns of behavior and personality structures to help one function as a cog in the machine of the society because it's a cog in the machine of society that we're all suffering from uncertain number of us go into these supposed crisis mental illness states and it's a state of connecting with a different compass that wants us to create a different reality or we don't have to go into these states of crisis it's trying to show us something it's trying to show us that we're all one thing we're all one consciousness and we need to co-create towards that so that's why I don't really believe in personal recovery to just personally recover enough function to somewhat function in society and that's why I feel like I've done the best one I've been living in community or had a lot of interactions that are just based on being human and not really focused on mental illness at all so I was pretty inspired by just hearing their dialogue before I spoke I didn't say anything about it I was just listening to them but it seems like ever since that time I shared a couple of months ago and the woman said she's starting to believe her son that hey if we all acted this way we would create a different world or something whatever she said each time I go to something mental health-related it's usually a pleasant surprise and the perspective people are taking and and the one lady at the group yesterday even said well if they went back to their original personality that would just mean they would be back to beginning again they would be mentally ill again because that sort of was part of what caused the mental illness it was it was concurrent with the occurrence of the supposed mental illness and I was like wow that's kind of spot on because i think i might have said that before where someone new has to come into play so I definitely grieved the loss of my former self for several months but then I went like okay well I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain now so let's see what happens so I find it interesting that it's right in the literature of a family support group class that basically we need to create a new self and that's why I've talked about embodied mania and harvesting and practicing and embodying some of the grief is at least four people that go into mania is grieving the loss of manic consciousness but we can still move toward that and I was talking yesterday about how when it comes to psychosis they often say oh wait more it happens the worse it gets and I think the more it happens the more one gets medicated in its justification for more and more and different and its justification for more and more medication and then that makes it worse and because not getting resolved or move through and then it just makes it seem like what gets worse each time when they don't necessarily say well each time we medicate more we whatever because i had my fourth psychosis and I was put on medication that made it worse and then when I was taken off that medication within a month or so I was back to myself so had I stayed on that medication I likely would have continued to get worse which would have looked like oh I'm getting worse because i had another psychosis blah blah blah when the two times before i was out in and out of the hospital within 10 days and then back to normal activities so I I knew and I know that it happens doesn't mean it's going to make me deteriorate to a worse off state because that hasn't been the case and I think it could be also that through this process of rediscovering and recreating myself I've actually recreated a self of version of myself that is more in alignment with manic consciousness and what I experienced in mania and relational aspects and things like that so when I go into a crisis date and I come out of it I'm kind of back to how I was because it's more real whereas the initial crisis was trying to break down a lot of the false structures and then through living in community I was able to build a different relational self and that could be where a lot of my my strength is is that i have that community and i made some notes when editing my videos from yesterday and i was thinking about how my intention with these videos is to open the doors of my mind and your mind and that is my gesture that's the gesture of these words that's the intention because i was thinking about how gestures are more powerful so if this is all condensed into one gesture it's sort of learning in self dialogue in order to keep this brain learning and use this brain instead of having the brain use me and that's a thing with being diagnosed with something it's often now the brain is using me because it has this pathological diagnosis so everything I do is based on avoiding things around that diagnosis and I prefer to thrive dive and revive and I was thinking how this learning and always learning and not accumulating as J Krishnamurti would say it's always different and so it's a different motion it's a motion that is always unfolding and changing as it unfolds whereas thinking is sort of this circular reflex in the brain so I was thinking that thinking is actually our emotions not as an REE motion but Reid motion it's the same motion happening in the brain which is circular so it's actually in action because it's talking about something from the past so the brain can be in motion unfolding always seeing something new and Christian already talked about compassion and how it's always new it's always different it's always changing and so compassion that word that static word encompasses that unfolding and I was thinking that matic consciousness is kind of like compassion then because every moment is so different and rich and diverse and new it's almost like the learning process I'm going through right now through self dialogue but actually in interaction with actuality out there this is the gesture of the intention for my brain to be learning in this way and learning through self dialogue but it can also be in dialogue with actual people out in actuality and it's a very powerful process when that happens so I think manic consciousness is actually similar to compassion which is similar to empathy in that it's always different it depends on the moment it depends what you're perceiving what you're perceiving is what you're empathizing with otherwise you're not empathizing because you're not actually seeing it and this re motion of the brain which is thought doing similar motions or the same motion over and over again and repeating itself is tied to re emoting which is really motivate or it could be different emotions but they're linked to dopamine because we derive some kind of pleasure out of those emotions by as dr. David Hawkins would say by taking a position allottee by taking a position by judging by comparing by measuring we're getting some kind of juice as he would say and he said mainly the only process is to surrender the juice that you get out of taking a position ality and I was thinking also how motion catches our attention and I was talking about that in the last video and so if we're always re motioning with thought same motion similar motion same ten or a hundred thoughts every day we're naturally going to be habituated to it and we're not even really going to notice that it's going on like that and when we get habituated to it we get bored and so we're bored in our life just because we're always hearing our boys going on we're not actually perceiving what's happening now now I've talked about already how the images of the ego thought process get in the way of the mind screen and pure perception which is learning so this remotion over over of thinking so I could think of thinking in the ego as our emotions and creating motion out of old past experiences by going from image to image to image of the past it's old motion it's not being in touch with the motion and what's going on in the patterns of the present moment and we would never get bored of that but we get bored because we have this remotion going on in our head and we're habituated to it and that is the habit so when that's going on and talking it to us it's sort of lulling us to sleep so we can go through our habitual day and the thing with habits that I thought of is that it becomes a habit when we can do it automatically and then let this voice just start droning on again so the voice is going on and we're bored and we're doing our habits so we're kind of living this really boring life so if we were always doing new things or perceiving and new and learning and knew we wouldn't have that voice or we can't have that voice going on because that voice comes on when we are in habit mode so we're nearly always inhabit mode and that's why when we're driving we're just thinking of old things and and and that goes on and on so they always talk about forming new habits and to me it just means do something new to turn off that voice for a while and actually focus and then do it enough times that it becomes so automatic in the neural networks that now you can just start talking about the past again and boring yourself to tears so memory is a movement of the past meeting the movement of the present and we're not moved by the present were moved by our paths were animated by our ego thought memory complexes were not animated by interacting with the present moment we can't unfold as the present moment with the present moment when we r re unfolding old memories and again it's just painful memory Oh lacking dopamine pleasant memory Oh dopamine and just back and forth like that so we become this like binary compasses I made come this rudder on a boat you have to pull this way and you got to go that way and you got to go this way and you got to go that way to in order to go in a straight line and then that's our ego habit and then we call that our personality we call that our self and then when Manic consciousness or some other process and that energy comes in and breaks it up and we're confused and lost and scared and and perceiving all these things that we probably missed along the way we think that we've lost something special when it's that process that's trying to help break up this habitual thing there's so much other about reach your goals develop a new habit are we robots and I realize this dopamine reflex of the ego images is like a protective mechanism and I can't remember if I talked about it but by having these images on our minds screen and just reacting to that we don't actually have to react and see what's happening in the present moment so what's happening in the present moment unfolds as something new every second and it's a very rich and diverse process but we're processing our old images so by doing that we're giving ourselves comfort and security that we have some kind of control over things when really we're just supposedly controlling the images in our mind and supposedly choosing the images in our mind that doesn't have anything to do at this moment and by doing that process we're lulling ourselves to sleep and allowing ourselves to become habits and by becoming habits we feel safe because we don't really go outside our comfort zone much and it has nothing to do with actuality it's just this image process in our mind that's keeping us in habit by talking about the past and it's probably talking about the past because we're doing the same old thing we become this habit so it's talking about something old because we're not actually doing anything new and so we're living our whole lives and our minds like that we're not actually present so I don't think that forming habits is the way to live a rich life these past images giving us this hit of dopamine makes us feel like we're actually living because we get this little hit of pleasure and we only know pleasure pain and the few emotions that go along with them we don't understand all this other spectrum of consciousness and experience mainly because we're afraid of it will not tuned into it and I think manic consciousness and map consciousness comes in in order to try to attune us to that so it breaks up the old ego structures which automatically makes us vulnerable to going anywhere from the highest ecstasy to the lowest of the low but we need to go through the entire spectrum in this process of map consciousness in order to for us to really feel for real to actually feel for real instead of just having a fear by producing fearful images in our head of the past and fearing what might happen we get to experience extreme terror and a lot of times it'll play like stories and delusions and hallucinations of why it is we're feeling that way because it's relating well these are the types of experiences that would give you this sensation and they're not having to now but this is what other people have experienced in the world when they've had these terrible awful experiences and it feels like one is experiencing those things and also for to the highest but it's a way for us to actually tune our nervous system into the proper thousand or 10,000 or 100,000 possible unique empathetic unfolding experiences that arise in consciousness when we're actually one in relationship with what it is that we are unfolding so I feel like it's a retuning process and it can be scary as crap it's like restart its recalibration it's recalibrating our nervous system our nervous system and our nerves and everything has been hijacked by just dopamine and the me and the past images of the me and worrying about oneself and when one's worrying about oneself as in one's past images one's not actually in the present moment and not experiencing the richness of that so in order for us to actually experience the richness of that we need this gris calibration process and so we don't notice our voice because it's always on we don't notice that we're talking in our own voice and since it's always on we take it to be something valuable in ourselves and when we get in the state of awe when we see a beautiful sunset for example it turns out for a second and we feel one with that experience and sometimes people feel that and they're like I want that back and then they try things to get that back and then map consciousness comes in and is trying to get rid of that voice or get rid of the way that voice it's using us in our own heads and so it's an awe experience but ah is a word to describe infinite experiences within that aw it's not this is what I is or oh this is what gave me off so I'm going to do that again and expect to get off and when we're in map consciousness it's an empathetic state it's one with the moment and so whatever one perceives one feels and it can be really confusing because if one actually perceives and feels one's going to act in a different way versus not actually perceiving because once in one's ego consciousness that voice is blocking true perception and rationalizing things so when we have that voice were not guided by the motion of the universe because we're remo tioning with our mind and by doing that it basically destroys the brain and when we're always Remo tioning in this way we're not allowing new neural pathways to develop because we're reinforcing old ones that create those images and feelings it's tied into the feelings too because we amote and that creates the compliment in terms of neural peptides in the body and I was thinking about how when we're always releasing the same few emotional molecules in the body there's more receptors for those and those receptors are the actual musical score of our body they're like the notes of our body on each of ourselves they're what our cells can perceive and since we're always Remo tioning with our brain we're creating those receptors in our body and the more we do the same emotions I actually down regulate the receptors so we need more of those emotions in order to get our fix of the emotion and likely the dopamine too so that's always wanting more and more and more something different we want something different that's going to give us the same emotion so it's actually the same thing it's the same experience all the time because it's the same or the same few emotions whereas if we weren't desiring those emotions and addicted to our emotions we would actually perceive in the moment and have a different motion being moved by the universe and perceiving and learning every moment which gives us energy and really what we want is that energy and dopamine gives us like a little any shot of it but when we're learning and perceiving we have a different form of energy and I think it's an energy that creates lots of new neural pathways in the brain and variations in the neuropeptides and things in the body so then it's varied and we don't get stuck on any one thing especially when we get to the point where we realize that we really don't need to get stuck on any one thing because there's always something new to learn coming and so we allow it to unfold as us and move us and we don't have to seek it out so the motion of learning replaces the remotion of me and my memories and the remotion of memories is REM oding dopamine and i think there's a different intention behind this motion and I think the motion has something to do with intelligence beyond the ego re motion is not intelligence and I was thinking it's more difficult to learn by taking in someone's words because someone's words actually has two right over the words in one's own voice so let's get through with that barrier and one's own voice ego is always looking to confirm what it already thinks to be true so it will only let in things that confirm the associations that's already making the ego doesn't do very much extrapolating and inferring and hypothesizing or pattern recognition and I was thinking about how harvesting and embodying one's mania and practicing one's mania and altruism those are all gestures and I think those gestures are more powerful at changing one's voice inside there's value in getting rid of the voice but in the meantime to change the voice if we change how we are and that's why I feel like since I was able to help out so much in the beginning after having a crisis I didn't as much self stigmatize as they say because I was being helpful i was being useful i was being part of the community I felt like I belonged so that wouldnt 8ly change one's in her voice or change one's story or reframe what happened to one if one is able to do those sort of gestures we're sitting on the couch the gesture of just sitting there is not going to do anything to change that so action can work to change the Apple weighs a bit more so than words and that's why I'm looking forward to getting in the action phase and I also think that the gestures right over the old patterns implicit in the voice and the story and memories that the voice is choosing to speak about it's not just writing over the voice in a linear fashion it's actually the voice is going to create different words and stories based on the patterns inside and the patterns insider usually due to one's actions or maybe the patterns received from outside and I think that's part of what manic consciousness does is trying to repattern us by giving us different gestures and actions and degrees of reading because not only does it free us to recalibrate to the entire spectrum of consciousness and empathy it also in at the same time when being calibrated is also calibrating different actions and gestures that we didn't even know we are necessarily capable of until we were recalibrated in this way so after being recalibrated one can have a really scary experience where one might think they might kill somebody because they're in that state of consciousness and one can live the rest of their life and fear that oh my gosh I thought that or I had that urge but to me it's a calibration and that way moving forward in the harvest practice and body we can choose what it is we want to reinforce in our neural networks and as we reinforce those higher gestures and higher states of consciousness the likelihood of us going into a space where we're going to feel that again is less and it's more about being calibrated to that and seeing that possibility and seeing how that happens to people and having some empathy for people that go through that more so than thinking that one is going to necessarily become that it's about calibrating empathy I was thinking about my thinking process and how my brain doesn't think in terms of circular ego loops and so usually when I have a thought it's more like an insight it's just like a total sentence it's a total complete thought in 11 go and it's not really in my own voice it's more like a silent whisper I don't even really hear it I just sort of know it and most the time when I think in that way it's something i want to write down and other than that I don't really think unless it's something that are wanting to write down when I speak in conversation i would say that i just opened my mouth and speak so when i do that i don't have even that whisper at all it's more like it just comes out when i open my mouth so there's no whisper the whisper is more if i want to write something down and it could be that manic consciousness and map consciousness is suppressed allostatic load all the things that we didn't deal with and that goes along with what i was saying about how our muscles tense over time and then when we get freed of that well where does all that energy go when we're freed of that tension it can easily come into our consciousness and feed us images of past present possible future of self and other because it could be other two because if something happened to me and it's like stored in a muscle and that's released when i'm in manic consciousness that storage could actually be not just what happened but everything that led up to that happening so it it could be stored in the muscle not just as this was the event but all the extrapolations and inferences in that all those extrapolations and inferences are now available to my consciousness in that i can recognize those patterns and see the possibility of something similar happening and that's why i think people get like really anxious and stuff because all of society is designed for not the greatest things to happen to people and so that's also why when it's released when one goes into the lower end of the spectrum of map consciousness one feels all those things relating to that event and all the extrapolations not just oh that was a painful event for me and one can also see how it relates to other people and so it's it's like an unfolding and very rich thing to be able to extrapolate all the empathy related to that thing and everything that led up to that and it could almost be that when one gets calibrated to the spectrum of map consciousness after the fact one can utilize that empathy moving forward to inform how one wants to embody one's mania and harvest practice and body it wouldn't include things that led up to that event because one was able to go through it and see all the subtle nuances and why one would not want to participate in that

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