The Hot Tip Line

“These are my tacos and this is my shack. Welcome to Taco Shack. Can we take your order?”

“So ummm we have a plate, some subpar diner food, and no silverware. This is NOT NECI.”

“Matchmaker Matchmaker find me a match....catch me a catch....” (singing, laughing)

“Hello? Is this Car Accident Support? Just checking. Thanks.” (Wild laughter)

Over here!

“Is the Service you wanted? Is your geisha girl dead? Did you like the mandolin music she played? Who gets paid first? We’re nearly 1,500 songs deep into this program. Which royalties will you pay?”

“Is there hope for retarded guinea pigs?”

“You think the Saudis did it? You recently reached that conclusion? I thought Caroline did it and I started thinking that soon after your car wreck but now I have no idea what to think.”

“And so I called Bibi and Bibi said they didn’t make the damn thing. Who made the damn program? And I said maybe it was really you. And he asked me what the program was like and I said, “Either it will kill you or it won’t” and he said that it sounded American to him.”

“*I* walked away from the program. The program did NOT walk away from me. You know.....I was like, “How the hell do you shut this damn thing off?” And I couldn’t find an instruction manual. And I was like, “Who designed this damn thing?” And then I realized it was the Israelis and so I called Bibi for instructions.”