The Imperfect Buddhist

00:05

Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss present moment awareness and incorporating Buddhist principles into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism and Warry.

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I have a long history with Warri. I remember being on a road trip with my family during the summer. It must've been like five or six coming up with all of these Warri thoughts about if we had enough gas or how far it was gonna be to the next place that offered food. And my dad, who was great with nicknames, came up with a nickname for me. He called me the designated warrior. My family laughed about it,

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Worried what he meant by that.

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Through my early adolescence and teen years, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication and I took that up until I was about 18 or 19. My early 20s, I came into contact with my worried thoughts again. And from my early 20s up until now, I've been practicing meditation as a way to find some grounding in the midst of worried thoughts.

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I just got back from a week long work trip up in Cincinnati. We do this a couple times a year. There's a bunch of people in the office and new people that I'm meeting for my new position as a business development representative. During this work trip, I noticed that my anxiety or worry was turning up to a new level, getting home from socializing, I would think, oh no, did I make a bad impression? What if they didn't like me? What if they thought I was too quiet?

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We all do it, some of us more than others. Maybe not everyone, but most people will have these what ifs and if we're not careful, they turn into habits of negative thinking.

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Worry, like many other patterns of thinking, compounds on itself. So we may have a worried thought. In my instance, I'd have the worried thought, oh, did I make a bad impressions on my coworkers? Then I think maybe I was too quiet. And then if I go to try to fix it and act from that worry, I might say, oh, tomorrow I'm going to do a better job of shaking people's hands and looking them in the eyes and smiling at them as we talk. I'm going to do a better job of that. Oh, but then what if they sense that I'm being fake?

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Oh man, this doesn't feel very mindful. I'm not being a very good Buddhist. In those moments we are completely in our heads and our bodies and it's hard to step outside of it because the what-ifs feel so real. I'll continue worrying if I don't decouple from the thought that worrying is keeping me safe. We don't worry for no reason and in some way there's some justification inside. Whether it's subconscious or conscious that

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Boring will keep me safe. It'll keep me on the right path. It's gonna keep me going in the right direction or the direction that I desire.

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We can slow down enough and step outside of the worried habits of thinking and negative desire. Desire that's based on external circumstances being a certain way. So as we slow down, we use techniques that are available to us to become more present, whether that be awareness of our breathing, awareness of the room we're in, the sounds in the room, whatever we can do to bring our attention back. As we slow down, we can start to

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Find our own intentions and look at what our intentions are in life. How are we coming at life? Some of the good news about the mental energy of wari is that it's a pretty pronounced energy. It's not as subtle as some other things that we may work with in our meditative practices. Wari is pretty obvious, it's pretty flavorful, pretty strong. It's a good opportunity for us to tune in and become more aware, more present.

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Warring may have kept us safe in the past. We may have had to worry or think ahead or plan our next move to survive. And there's nothing wrong with planning or thinking ahead. We can really look out for the energy or thought when we start to notice it saying what if. We know that it's usually unnecessary worry. The energy of fear and worry, also usually referenced as anxiety, is like a 10-headed

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monster, ten-headed dragon, where you chop one off and then another ten can pop up elsewhere. I know that through personal practice where I might work through some area of fear that I'm having and feel good about that and then subconsciously a new worry starts to pop up and then takes me some time to realize what's going on and I say, oh yeah, this is the pattern, this is the energy of anxiety. And I start to see that this is the exact same thing but only presented as a new...

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thought or image in my mind.

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It may be hard for us to find an equilibrium in the midst of worry if our environment isn't really conducive to peace. And while we can be peaceful in any situation, when we are starting out and we're working with worry in our life, it's important to use set aside time and space to step away from the objects of our worry and to step away from people and distractions. We do this through regular practices.

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In Zen Buddhism, they set aside time for a practice known as Zazen, or in more modern mindfulness practices, they set aside time for meditation. Setting aside time in your day for quiet reflection, for cultivating awareness through different awareness practices, allows us to slow down enough and tune into a knowing presence beyond thinking. Once we experience this knowing presence beyond thinking,

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we gain access to a new dimension of being.

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Once we experience being through our practice, it gives us something to hold against other experiences and ways of being in life. We recognize when we're worried and spinning worried thoughts in our minds, how groundless and unreal that state of being is compared to present moment being. In some traditions, they call it zero, coming back to zero, nothingness. And the object isn't to get rid of anything, we're simply

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Watching what is and in the instance of worry What is is that our minds are racing usually off to the future or to the past? And asking what if what if my car breaks down on this trip down to visit my uncle? What if I made a bad impression with my girlfriend's family last weekend over Thanksgiving? What if I'm single for the rest of my life? What if I end up being a virgin for the rest of my life?

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I know how tempting these what-if thoughts can be. As mentioned, some people are more prone to falling into the traps of what-if. Whether that be because of their wiring, being more prone to anxiety or anxious states of being or their past where they had to worry and think ahead to survive. I know that with my own worry, some of it comes from a sense of control or desire for a sense of control. I worry, hey.

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I didn't do a good enough job of making sure everybody I came in contact with today liked me. Is that really up to me? Yes, I have influence. I can present myself in the best way I can, be kind, concerned, learn how to listen well, and maybe even, would you believe it, I actually developed some genuine care for the person I'm talking to. It's all fine. But do I really have control over how people perceive me? And...

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What my worry is telling me is, what if every person you saw today didn't like you? Or what if this person didn't like you? It's asking, what if you don't have complete control of the world around you? News break, no one has control of everything. No one has control of most things. A lot of my worry comes from a desire to hold on to the status quo. I have a job that pays well and I'm moving into a position that's going to pay more.

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I'm worried that I didn't make good impressions on some people that I'll be working with in this new position. The warrior says, okay, well, if he didn't do well there, they may not like you and man, you're gonna get fired. But it comes from a desire to hold on to what I have or a desire to keep things going in a certain way out of fear of loss. Buddhism talks about that a lot. Desirelessness is maksha liberation. That if we didn't...

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desire anything other than what was, we would be perfectly content and at ease.

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If you're looking for actionable steps when it comes to your own worry, here's some of the things that have worked for me. Cultivate awareness, whether that's through a daily meditation practice or through present moment awareness in your daily activities, whatever you're doing, trying to bring a sense of awareness to the moment. This leads to the ability to be aware of what's going on.

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The options available to us become limited. But through meditation and mindfulness practices, we cultivate an awareness that allows us to witness our own state of being, state of mind, which then allows us to recognize when we're worrying. When you see the worry and you ask, what if? You see, oh, this is a what if thought. You can ask yourself, is there anything actionable that I can do in this moment that would be beneficial to avoid the circumstance or outcome that I don't want?

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and see what you come up with. And then if there isn't, there's really nothing you can do that's actionable, then it's okay to just stay in that labeling, witnessing presence, labeling the thought as what if, recognizing the patterns of worry, metacognating on the thoughts that are floating by, and really just step back into your witnessing presence, watching things float by. As Pima Chodron says, I am the sky, everything else is the weather.

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We come back to the truth that no matter what happens in our life, whether it be experiencing worry or the objects of our worry coming true. Everybody does hate me at my workplace. I'm fired because I just could not fit in. Come back to the reality of being that who we are, what we are made of, is not dependent on any external circumstance, positive or negative.

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We are the being, the presence that witnesses and experiences life. You might say to yourself in those moments where it gets stressful and all the anxious thoughts come in and the worrying starts up. You can tell yourself, I am forever and always whole and complete. Nothing can change that.

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We need to experience that state of being for ourselves, for it to really stick.

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Thanks for stopping in and spending some time with me. And my wish for you is that you be peaceful, you be joyful, and you be free from suffering. I hope you have a wonderful week. And if you enjoyed this episode, I would appreciate your support through liking, subscribing, and sharing the podcast with your friends. I'd also love to hear from you in the comments section about your own practice and your thoughts on the podcast. I look forward to talking with you next time. All right, bye.

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00:00

Hey, so before we start this episode, I do want to give you a heads up that we will be talking about some adult subjects. So if you have any people in your life that you're listening to this podcast with, or you yourself are somebody that feels like you don't want to hear about some very personal subjects, then you might want to listen to one of the other episodes or put on a different podcast. You've been warned.

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Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I undertake to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments

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and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. That's out of Thich Nhat Hanh's 5 mindfulness trainings.

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I want to welcome you to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss mindfulness and incorporating Zen principles into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism and Masturbation.

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Bye!

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First, I want to say thank you so much for joining me on this path together as we learn about and share experiences of incorporating mindfulness, Buddhist or Zen teachings into our modern lives. Thanks for choosing this podcast out of all the other Buddhist podcasts and mindfulness podcasts that are out there. It really means a lot.

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Understanding Buddhism, Zen, and Sexuality. Anybody familiar with Zen or Buddhism will be familiar with the concept of mindfulness, which is the teaching that one can train themselves to place their awareness in the present moment and through this awareness one can come into contact with truth or the way things are with the Dharma.

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If you were to look at old school Buddhism, old school Buddhist teachings, the Dhammapada, a lot of these teachings seem to be aimed at monks, people living in a community where practice was at the forefront of their life day in, day out, when they would eat, there was a ceremony, a practice that they would do, when they would sweep the floor, when they would meditate, when they would sleep, all these things were regimented and they were not allowed to.

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have any type of sexual relations with other people in the organization or outside the organization, strictly forbidden. And in some Buddhist teachings, it was taught that sexuality or sex lust were a defilement of the mind, that they led to endless suffering and rebirth and negative karma.

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self-pleasure. Sure, some people within monasteries or even lay practitioners view sexuality or sex in the same way that it's a defilement and a distraction from the path of liberation. But then in modern times you also have the Thich Nhat Hanh flavor, which I read that at the beginning there that it's not saying that there's anything inherently wrong with sexuality. It's as natural as eating. However, just like with eating,

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they recommend a mindful approach, being present, being aware in sexual activity, being present and aware with whom you have sexual relations with, what are the impacts, what is the karma related to these sexual relations.

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Zen Buddhism has an emphasis on direct experience and awakening through the present moment. Through our meditative practices, whether that's zazen, walking meditation, which is known as kinnhin, or other different various awareness training techniques like oriochi, which is a ceremony, a formal way of eating that's there to cultivate awareness. The core aim is this direct experience.

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of reality in Zen. And so it's never really been a contradiction in my mind when it comes to base sexuality, meaning not using porn to stimulate the mind or live in some type of fantasy and not projecting a bunch of lust on men or women or people around you if you are present in that sexual act. It's a consenting person, of course.

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and you can be present and mindful and not lose yourself in some type of daydreaming or projection, then it could become a mindfulness practice. There was a time where I thought, okay, my sexuality or masturbation, self-pleasure, sex, are not in alignment with the teachings of Zen Buddhism or these awareness trainings. But then I also adopted this other viewpoint where I said, okay, maybe I can treat it as a mindfulness training.

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So that said, where am I at with it now? There was a time for the last couple years that I really didn't put much thought into my use of porn, when or how often I masturbated or had sex or lusted. There was not much emphasis or awareness around those things until I started thinking within the last couple weeks about that. About...

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Where does my practice begin and where does it end when it comes to my own sexuality? And what is healthy? What is in alignment with the path to awakening as I see it? And it's been a challenge. It's been this last week. I've really put an emphasis on it as I've been preparing to talk about this on this episode. I've asked myself, can I not use porn? Can I not fictionalize or...

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fantasize in my mind when I masturbate. Can I masturbate less? This is maybe TMI, but this is something that needs to be talked about. I think that a lot of people are ashamed to talk about it. It's not normalized in a lot of spiritual communities. And I think that there is, in our current culture and society, I think that there's like this sex positive culture, which can have a lot of benefits.

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There's a lot of room for interpretation when we talk about like, all sex is good. Embrace your sexuality. That can leave a lot of room for like, what is healthy? What is good for my mind? What will lead me on a path to awareness towards awakening if that's the path that I'm endeavoring to walk down? This last week, I've kind of put some question marks around those questions.

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When I got that sexual urge, when I have that feeling, it's kind of like being hungry. You can sense it, you can feel it, and there's a desire and a need there. I've experimented with this idea of being present while I did my masturbatory practices and tried to bring my awareness to the sensations that were present. To be quite frank with you, it was pretty unenjoyable. There wasn't a whole lot

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pleasant about it other than the physical sensations that I created without any type of imagination or fantasy in my mind. Not holding those images in mind or fantasies and just really being present with the act of jerking off. There wasn't a whole lot that was really exciting about it. This experiment left me with a lot of insight. Wow, how much of...

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this pleasure that I'm getting, how much of it is what they call in Buddhism attachment, fantasy, and illusion? How much of this pleasure I'm deriving is it from some type of imaginary fulfillment of a fantasy I have in my mind? Since doing that, I've had less desire to masturbate.

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Through our normal meditative practices, like sitting or walking meditation, we cultivate our ability to hold things without judgment. And in this case, I was holding the thing. Wow. We developed that compassion to hold things without judgment. And while I was holding my thing, I was also holding the desires of my mind with compassion and holding it with an element of letting go. Our

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Culture promotes the idea of these strong sexual attachments and normalizing, in a sense, really strong lust. It's used in ads to sell things. We're using sexuality and sexual desire to sell things, as the saying goes, sex sells.

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It's good that we are developing a sex positive culture. We're not shaming people for their sexuality, whether that's gay, trans, straight, non-binary, or not interested in sex at all.

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Catholic Church or other organized religions where sex is prohibited, where sexuality is closeted, and we've seen the horrific things that can happen when someone is in complete denial of their own sexuality, of their own sexual needs and desires. It does seem like in environments where sexuality is swept under the rug, not talked about, act like it doesn't exist, or where it's said that it's just evil, some really terrible sad things happen.

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Some of the negative effects of mindless masturbation. Don't you like that? That just rolls off the tongue. Mindless masturbation. I've noticed when I use porn, there's a sense of shame and it's interesting, like I won't be very aware while I'm using it and fantasizing and doing the act, but afterwards I noticed there's like kind of this feeling of being grossed out and be like, ugh, what did I just do?

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shame can come from a lot of places. Porn use and mindless masturbation can have some negative effects. There is the movement of nofap which is about no masturbation essentially and that it has all these benefits of boosting productivity, creativity, self-confidence. Some books mention the negative effects of masturbation on creativity. Think and Grow Rich where he talks about a controlled sexual

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a huge asset to success that some of the greatest and richest people, greatest creators, channeled and harnessed their sexuality for things other than sexual acts and channeled those into creative works and business. So some people would say that an effect of porn would be a lack of ambition, a lack of genius creativity. And I don't know if that's fact, but that's what some people say.

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using porn or sexual fantasizing in one's mind is that we can strengthen this pathway of sexualizing individuals. Looking at someone like a piece of meat, that it does strengthen that pathway. Say I've been in a period of really engaging with porn and sexual fantasy and masturbation for a period of time and I get into a conversation with a woman that I find attractive. There is a

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tendency to zoom in on that sexual aspect and maybe the chasing of that. We're strengthening that way of looking at the world, of looking at certain people. And in doing so, we step away from the direct experience that Zen Buddhism champions. Because instead of being present with a person listening, maybe in that moment we are aware of some type of sexual desire,

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What that person's saying. The content of what that person's saying. The ideas, the feelings, our own feelings. The sound of the car is going by outside the coffee house as we talk to this person.

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So I want to come back to this idea of treating masturbation or sexuality as a mindfulness practice. Instead of pushing it away, acting like it doesn't exist, or fully indulging and completely losing our awareness, dissolving our awareness in fantasy, porn, these other ways that we delude ourselves, can we bring an element of mindfulness?

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The other day when I was employing this idea of being present, I tried to come back to my Hara, which I know a lot of this stuff sounds very hippie, but essentially it's bringing your awareness to a space right below your navel. There is a point of energy there. My mind started to want to fantasize and I was doing this self-pleasure exercise. I came back to my Hara. It really pulled back the energy of this fantasizing and brought me back to the moment.

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When it comes to shared sexual experiences, this can go a long way because when I am in my head fantasizing, I'm projecting this fantasy and my own sexuality onto this being in front of me. And when I'm doing that, I'm not directly experiencing that being in front of me. I am projecting my own fantasies and illusions. But I've made an effort to be mindful.

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when I'm kissing my wife to be present in that moment. All these other sensations wake up in me and it's much more pleasurable when it's a shared experience. The juxtaposition is that self-pleasure when it's just you by yourself and you bring a lot of mindfulness. I didn't find it as exciting, but when I had that shared experience with my wife where I'm present, it was less exciting in the sense that my mind wasn't so excited and I wasn't fulfilling some type of fantasy in my mind.

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but it was much more wholesome and enjoyable and fulfilling to be present with her in the act of sex. People say that everything in our society is driven by sex, by this one act. Like we earn a lot of money so that we can attract a mate, we stockpile resources so that when we find a mate and have sex, we can care for children.

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we dress in a certain way or present ourselves in a certain way to make ourselves more attractive to a potential sexual partner. And so if all this is leading up to this, we might as well enjoy it. We might as well be present while it's happening to see what all the fuss is about. So we can become mindful of the touch of our partner as they run their fingers down our arm or our back or as we touch them, as we feel their skin on our fingers, as we kiss them. We can become...

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aware of all these physical sensations on our skin and our nerve endings and focusing in on all the sensations that arise in that present moment, we might start to discover that underneath this buzz of sexual stimulation in our mind, I'm talking about this fantasy in our mind, that maybe there is a sense of connection, there's a sense of oneness and a closer connection of well-being happening.

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I'm not a master though when it comes to mindfulness or having some type of deep spirituality in my sex life or self-pleasure. And I don't know what the answer is here. Maybe the old teachers and abbots at the temples in Japan are right. Maybe there is not a whole lot of room for sexuality or sexual desire on this spiritual path. I can't see that being the truth as sex is a huge part of who we are.

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sexuality and sex are so a part of what makes us human. There is a path for incorporating our sexuality into our spiritual lives and that there is a middle path as they talk about in Buddhism, that we don't go too far in either direction and end up falling in the ditch. One ditch being self-denial and acting like

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We don't have a sexuality. And then the other ditch being unhinged sense, pleasure, desire. I want to encourage you also to reflect on your own porn usage, your own sexuality, your own sex life, and see where does your mindfulness, your present moment awareness go during those acts. Try some of these practices and see if you can bring some awareness into your sex life.

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Thank you so much for tuning in and being present with me through this sticky situation. Oh God, the dad jokes. It's not an easy subject to talk about, but I'm really glad we got to talk through it a little bit. If we wanna spread this community further and get the word out there, hitting the like button would really help me reach more people. And if you could share your thoughts and experiences along the path by hitting

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the feedback button leaving a hopefully you'll leave a five star review after this you may leave a one star review because it freaked you out but i would love for you to share your own personal journey and experiences along the path leave some feedback for the podcast in your favorite app and consider subscribing to the podcast i would love to stay in contact with you and i would love to stay in community with you so you can get fresh updates when i put out new episodes

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I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week, wherever you are, and here is to you, mindful masturbation. Take care.

Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-imperfect-buddhist/donations

00:07

Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss present moment awareness and incorporating Buddhism into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled, Buddhism and the Sacred Power of the Present Moment.

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What is the present moment? It's this very instance, this little sliver of experience where everything's happening.

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Living in our fast paced world, we're told we need to think about what we want to become when we get older. Most of us never really feel like we ever get older. We're always waiting for that big moment to come. The raise, the promotion, the perfect person to come into our life. That moment when we'll feel happy, completed, and everything will be just the way it should be. Our fast paced society doesn't leave a lot of room for the present moment. If someone's caught staring outside the window,

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at wind rustling the leaves outside on a fall day? They might be asked, what are you looking at out there? Oh, you're daydreaming.

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I was out to lunch with a friend. A couple weeks ago, Chris and I were sitting down to enjoy an Italian sub. We were talking about religion. Him and his partner are Christians and they've been practicing for a long time. I said, I really don't feel like what the heart of Zen Buddhism talks about is very religious. And I looked at him and I was like, where else do you think God is going to contact you?

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Can God contact you in the future, worrying about the future, dreaming of the future? Is he going to contact you somewhere in the past in your mind? Or is God going to contact you now in this very moment, this present moment?

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The heart of Zen Buddhism is cultivating and polishing our awareness and connection to what's happening around us and becoming more and more aware of the subtleties that exist on multiple levels beyond just the surface. The present moment holds huge transformational potential when we start to bring our attention to what is happening in our bodies, minds.

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experiences, we start to see them as phenomenon. We start to see that thoughts come and go. We start to see that emotions come and go. We start to see the people come and go. We start to see that life conditions come and go. Rich, poor, sick, healthy, young, old. We come in contact with the transitory nature of life.

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And so then we start to recognize that those things cannot be counted on for any type of security or self. Because if these things are all changing, then who are we?

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Our sense of self begins to change and what we are is more and more revealed. We are the presence that is experiencing life, experiencing all these changes. We start to identify with the presence that witnesses all of phenomenon.

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I read on a YouTube quote, one guy left a comment and he says, the longer I continue to do my spiritual practice, the more that I realize that true spirituality is not about becoming something you're not, but it's about letting go of what you're not until the true you is revealed. So that's why Zen Buddhism, it doesn't really force a whole lot down your throat. Yes, there's some precepts and there's some different teachings that you can read, but the real emphasis is on Zazen.

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practice. The real emphasis is on sitting and being present. Because when you do that, all this stuff that's talked about by the Buddha, you start to experience it yourself. So there is no real need for someone to shove anything down your throat if you are experiencing it in your own practice. But where else can we connect with the sacred other than this present moment, this very instance? When we call it this instance, we lost it.

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as James Brown would say, in the cut. I'm in the cut. You're in that very instant.

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I remember early on in my practice, just noticing how my mind wanted to go off so much into the future, into the past, and daydream or complain. And I was really bringing my attention and my awareness into the sensations of the present, whether that was my breath or the sounds around me. I didn't have any significant experiences until one day I was in my sister's backyard in Lake Oswego, Oregon, walking around doing what I understand now was walking meditation.

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And I remember my eyes catching this redwood tree and this sense of presence being there. I saw the tree as I normally would, but there was an extra depth, an extra layer to it that I connected with. When we try to put words to these experiences, sometimes we lose the significance of the experience. But the best way I can put it is that there was an extra dimension between me and the tree. And maybe it was just the opposite of that, that there was no me and the tree, that I was feeling a connection.

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a oneness while looking at the tree. And there was not so much an observer and observed, but a connection with. In that moment, the tree seemed to breathe that there was a sense of liveness to this, what I would normally look at as like an inanimate object. That was my first lived experience of this new level of life that was around me and always happening that I hadn't been in contact with since childhood.

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So when you think about whether you're Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, when have those real special spiritual impactful moments happened to you? Were they somewhere while you were dreaming about the future or caught up in your past? Those significant lived moments where you felt a deep connection with the divine, where did that happen? You experienced them in the present. The gift of...

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Present moment awareness is that it allows us to tap into and align ourselves with living a more sacred life. We open the possibility to have those experiences more often. We have to play to win. The main practice is zazen, where very little instruction is given. Most teachers will tell you as beginner to focus on your breath, the sensation of the in-breath, the space between the in-breath and the out-breath, and then the out-breath, the space between the out-breath and the in-breath.

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and trying to continuously bring your attention back to just the sensations of breathing, the sound, and watching that breath.

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There's another form of Zen meditation called Shikantaza, which is just sitting. And this is fully taking your open, spacious mind and receiving what is present. You're not focusing on any particular object of concentration, but you notice. With a wide sphere of receptivity, you notice and you hold your attention in that space for as long as possible.

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So these are just a couple of examples of how Zen Buddhism has this focus on helping people cultivate a present moment awareness, where they can connect with the sacred. And the only place that it exists is now. Or as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, life is available only in the present moment.

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Maybe you're saying to yourself, why would I want to go sit in silence in this Zazen thing? Why would I do that for hours or potentially days on a retreat? I want to read something from Dainin Katagiri. Hopefully I'm pronouncing his name right. I've been reading his book, Returning to Silence. He says, when you sit down in Zazen, you don't know why. If you think about it, you can come up with many reasons. But the reasons don't hit the mark exactly. You cannot ignore the reasons you have thought of because they are part of the truth, but not the complete truth.

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What you want is just to be present, right in the middle of true reality, where you and Zazen exactly merge, nothing else. To sit Zazen is to call upon something, and to sit Zazen is exactly the something you are calling upon. You sit exactly in the middle of something you are always looking for and calling upon. We don't know what it is, but it is always there. If you sit down, you feel something, you taste it, by virtue of deeply seeing the human world.

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of hearing the sound of the world, immediately we manifest ourselves with wholeheartedness. Whoever we are, whatever reason we have to decide to sit down, immediately we sit with our whole mind, our whole heart. Even for a moment, that's pretty good. Very naturally, all we can do is constantly return to the source of Zazen, which means Zazen based on casting off body and mind.

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The key to awakening and connecting with the divine is the present moment. But you might say, man, there's nothing in my present moment other than stressful situations, mean people, bad food, messy home. But we learn in our spiritual lives that it is all usable and all workable. And if you have some struggle, you might be better off than someone that has a really perfect life because they're less pushed and less likely to seek.

10:45

Sometimes the present moment hurts. Sometimes the present moment isn't very fun, isn't very comfortable. Lately my wife and I have been cutting back on our TV usage as we've become aware that we've used it as a form of escapism. So a lot lately I've been confronted with myself more than normal outside of my normal meditation practices. And there's a feeling of fear inside. I'm recognizing that

11:13

because of past traumas and experiences that I've had, that there's a fear that I could lose it all, that this house that we bought and this marriage and love that we've built, our savings, all that stuff, it's just gonna be taken from me. It's just gonna be gone one day. And while that could be true, that insecurity, that fear is not really that fun to be with. There's a part of me that wants to run from it, that wants to distract myself, put my mind in some type of...

11:41

simulated reality with TV or my phone or whatever. And this is a little bit different than my early practice where the present moment was like a refuge from all the stuff going on in my mind. And now it almost feels like the present moment is putting me in contact with something I would rather avoid. And Scott Peck talks about in his book, The Roadless Travel, that all mental illness comes from the inability to experience suffering. I want to work through my suffering so that it doesn't

12:11

affect parts of my life and grow and fester into some nasty wound that harms myself or other people. I encourage you if you are listening to this and you're like, okay, I'm going to make an effort to be present and really bring my attention to the present moment and you do encounter uncomfortable energy experiences internally that you can bring this awareness that you've cultivated through meditation, zazen, this open spacious awareness which is called the

12:41

In my case, I can witness the fear. I'm afraid. I'm worried I'm going to lose this. I see this fear and tightness in my stomach, in my chest. Okay. And then that experience has a little bit less hold on me. There's a lot that can be born out of just being present. Maybe the feeling or fear or idea goes away or just simply noticing that leads us to take action that will care for ourselves. I'll tell you one thing, ignoring it won't make it go away.

13:11

Acting like it's not there or that it's a problem won't go away. It'll actually magnify whatever the problem is. It'll find a way to infiltrate other parts of your life.

13:24

You might be saying to yourself, I can't be present. My current life is so busy. I work at the grocery store and I have a million customers come through. I'm paid like $10 an hour. I'm stressed. And then I have to go pick up my kids. It's all workable. And that's the beauty of this practice is that there is nothing left out. First to start as a philosophy that it's all sacred. It's all workable. And then as an experience, as you do practice this and you start to make the...

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effort and go through the motions and bring your presence to the moment, you do start to see that yeah, maybe it's a little bit hard at first when you have that long line of customers or someone's being abusive, but then you start to see little chinks in the armor. You start to get these waves of peace, moments of illumination where you can make sense of something or find wisdom in something, find wise action where maybe before you were so caught in reactivity or in your mind that there was no room for peace or wisdom.

14:21

You're opening a space for that new action of love, wisdom, and peace to have influence. We don't have to be led around by our minds. We don't have to be pulled by our hair, by our fears, our worries, our hopes. They don't have to pull us down the road anymore. We can open our eyes. We can take a look around us and we can start putting one foot in front of the other on this path.

14:48

And we might start to feel the dirt between our toes, the grass on our feet. We might start smelling some beautiful flowers along the road. We might be like, wow, okay. Yeah, there are some dark clouds or it's where I'm getting rained on. The water ain't so bad.

15:04

I get it. This is a really tough time for most people. I feel a lot of people feel like we're on the verge of just some terrible catastrophe, whether that's climate change or war or financial collapse. And if we don't believe it, we're definitely fed a lot of that by the people around us on YouTube or news or our friends. There's just a lot of this catastrophe feeling going around. It can be hard to be present in this moment where

15:31

There's this feeling of lack of hope for a lot of people. It feels pointless. People feel disillusioned. It's hard to be present and to be here in that.

15:42

But I'm telling you, if you're somebody that is making that effort and choosing to be present in the midst of all this, you're bringing a great gift to yourself and the people around you. You're going to be an island in the middle of a storm, an island of peace in people's lives. You will be a refuge. In Buddhism, you will be called a bodhisattva. You are a refuge, place of safety, and an island of peace. That's certainly my goal.

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in life and what leads me to do this podcast.

16:15

What's there left to say about the present moment? It's the key. It is everything to spiritual life. It is the doorway into illumination, to all the profound experiences and not so profound experiences, to just everyday wisdom. We can bring our attention and our awareness back to ourselves and the life around us with a sense of curiosity and a witnessing presence. What we are not will drop away and who we are will become more and more revealed.

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we can be a blessing to ourselves and the people around us. Instead of talking about all this stuff, I would like to encourage you to set aside time, whatever that is, whether it's the morning, afternoon, the night, or all three, or all day. You wanna set aside a whole day and do a retreat, you go for it, buddy. But see if you can set aside some time for cultivating that present moment awareness. And I think it is fine to be mindful on your day, like I mentioned working at the grocery store with customers.

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Yes, you can be present and mindful in that experience, but there will be challenges and it will be harder to cultivate that awareness if that's all you're doing. And so if you can set aside time to sit for 10 minutes in the morning and focus on your breath, sensation of breathing, cultivating an awareness, a presence, then we can take that presence into our daily life. And it'll be a little bit easier to be in the cut, as James Brown would say, because we're worked out a little bit. It's like lifting weights.

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If you want to lift something really heavy, you lift maybe some smaller weights for a while. You wake up and do some stretches. And that's what meditation or zazen is. It's our conditioning. We're conditioning our mind to be present and to interface with the wisdom of the present moment.

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This podcast brought to you by The Present Moment. Thank you for stopping in and being with me on this journey. I really enjoyed making this episode and sharing it with you. I hope that you have a beautiful, spectacular, wonderful week ahead and I'll talk to you soon. All right, bye.

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00:06

Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss mindfulness and incorporating Zen principles into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney and today's episode is titled, Buddhism and Intrusive Thoughts.

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It really doesn't surprise me that I was drawn to Zen Buddhism. And this is an important episode for me because as some of the most listened imperfect Buddhists out there might know, I've struggled with intrusive thoughts or impulsive thoughts for about the last 14 years. And it really was probably the reason I got into meditation at all. The message of Zen Buddhism that we aren't our thoughts.

01:21

that we are the awareness around and experiencing our thoughts was very helpful to me in those early days and still is. To be able to see our minds as passing clouds, we practice what's known in Buddhism or even now some hippie culture, something called mindfulness. Mindfulness is the deliberate turning of our attention to the present moment and whatever we are doing in that moment.

01:50

Mindfulness can be emboldened and strengthened through a practice known as Zazen, which is meditation in Zen Buddhism. We do these practices to help us be mindful in our daily lives. And intrusive thoughts or impulsive thoughts, they happen in our daily life while we're feeding the cat or driving the car. Before we delve deeper into the topic of intrusive thoughts and

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Buddhist philosophy. I want to take a moment to understand a little bit more about what these terms mean and how they impact people's lives. Intrusive thoughts can be described as reoccurring, unwanted, or usually distressing thoughts, images or urges that pop into your mind. They're usually intrusive, hence the name, in nature, and they appear and disrupt

02:50

well-being. Some people would say that impulsive thoughts are more characterized by sudden urges or impulses to act and usually without consideration for the outcome and these impulses can arise seemingly out of nowhere. They compel people to engage in certain behaviors and as the name suggests, they're hasty or impulsive. In my practice, I've dealt more with intrusive thoughts than impulsive thoughts.

03:18

Intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts can create intense anxiety, turmoil, and they can create a feeling of being out of control. If we don't have a way to deal with them or work on them and they're left unchecked, of course it's going to affect our relationships, our work, and overall quality of life. Throughout this episode, we're going to explore practical approaches to working with one's intrusive thoughts. And I'm going to share some of my personal experiences of

03:47

the start of these intrusive thoughts along with some of the success that I've had along the way.

04:15

Zen Buddhism is a storehouse of antidote for this type of affliction, namely intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts. Shunryo Suzuki said that to follow the path of Zen is to realize that your thoughts come and go of their own accord. You need not serve them tea. And in Buddhism there's this character known as Mara. Mara is the affliction of the world, suffering.

04:45

and essential what he's saying is that Mara may come into your house. As long as you don't serve Mara tea, he won't stick or she won't stick around. Dogen Zenji said, in the landscape of silence, thoughts appear like passing clouds. They come and go, but the sky remains unchanged. How does one develop a state of being where the last little quotes I read

05:13

become something that one experiences. One can begin to experience their own thoughts and emotions through the practice of mindfulness, through the practice of developing present moment awareness. And so hence we have the importance of mindfulness in one's daily life. Zen Buddhism offers various practices for cultivating awareness so that when that image pops into one's mind.

05:39

eventually you can see it as phenomenon. You can see it as static electricity, if you will, the phenomenon of life.

05:49

I personally deal with intrusive thoughts, intrusive images. The first time it had a significant impact on my emotional health and mental well-being was when I was staying with my sister and her husband and a couple roommates up in Portland, Oregon. My nephew was about a year old at that time. I remember we were sitting in the living room and there was imagery of

06:16

me doing something to hurt him, I don't remember specifically what it was, or maybe like this underlying fear that somehow that could be something that I would do, and it set off this chain of events. At that point I was not acquainted with any type of meditative training or Buddhist practice. I had no grounding in mindfulness. I was fully identified with my mind and actually to strengthen the

06:43

The trouble here was I was very into the whole idea of manifestation of the secret, which if you're not familiar with it, it pretty much means thoughts are things and when we think about something or we hope for something, we really can imagine that it's real, it will manifest itself in our life. So on top of having these fears and compulsive images and worries, I'm now thinking, uh oh, I'm creating it. Like this is gonna, this is gonna happen. Oh, I can't think that. This whole.

07:11

back and forth mental struggle. I had no grounding in it. Of course the wheels kept going and I was pushing it away and acting like it wasn't real and then arguing with myself. That was really a hard place to be. The anxiety got worse and worse. The depression sets in because I'm so anxious. People are like, why aren't you talking? I would have this internal dialogue that's going a million miles a minute. I'm ashamed, so I can't tell anybody what's going on. I can't tell my father or my mom or...

07:40

my best friend or my girlfriend. What would they think if they knew that these images were popping into my mind? Would they also think that I was going down this path of becoming a murderer?

07:56

So what arose out of that experience was a deep need for refuge in a place of safety and healing, but I didn't know how or what or when that would happen.

08:14

What does Buddhism have to say about intrusive thoughts? What can it offer when it comes to the affliction of intrusive thinking? In Buddhism, there's an emphasis on non-attachment. Non-attachment goes further than our own thoughts and emotions. It also plays a part in how we interact with the world and ourselves as a whole. But nonetheless, it still pertains to our thoughts. And becoming non-attached means that we don't

08:43

Place any identity in our own thoughts. It means that we don't place any identity in the images that pop into our minds. This means that we don't have a sense of self there. So the image of dropping the heavy bag of cat food onto my cat, there's no sense of self there. We see it as a flash in the pan as a phenomenon. Just like we might see a shooting star across the night sky, we have this sense of non-attachment.

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We can see potentially the causes and conditions that led to the imagery or the thought, and we can let go of any dialogue that goes too far into identifying with these intrusive thoughts.

09:27

Sometimes with intrusive thinking, it can really fuck with our internal dialogue because I'm a good person. I am not supposed to have images or thoughts like this that pop into my head. Non-attachment, non-self allows us to become fluid as beings on this planet, that we are allowed to experience the phenomenon of life, thoughts, emotions, experiences without placing ourself in them.

09:58

That's a little bit of the catch-22 with Zen practice. Not only do we let go of identification with the negative thoughts or so-and-so quote negative thoughts, what we label as such, but we also let go of our positive versions of ourselves. The good teacher, the kind mother, the famous musician, the infamous Karen, the poor grocery store worker, the rich real estate agent.

10:28

The creative younger brother. We let go of all these identities along with the impulsive thoughts, intrusive thoughts. We no longer identify with any of them as who we truly are.

10:44

The best technique for working with intrusive thoughts is having a regular meditation practice. It helps to enter your day with the intention of awareness. Without a regular meditation or zazen practice in the mornings, you can bring mindfulness and the intention of mindfulness. But in my own experience, in many practitioners' experiences, having a practice in the morning set aside specifically for cultivating awareness.

11:13

makes the effort of mindful awareness during your day much easier. Having that mindful awareness will serve you in helping to alleviate the karmic wheel of intrusive thinking in your mind. God, do I know how cheesy that sounds, but the wheel of thought in your mind, if you want to put it that way. A little bit of how we can apply this in practice, in applying Zen principles to this. If we start our day with awareness through a

11:43

meditation or zazen practice, whether that's five, ten, or 20 minutes in the mornings. We start out on the right foot. When we're working and all of a sudden an image or fear of an image coming up, because sometimes I know how it goes, you're afraid that you might have that image. See if you can step into that witnessing presence of what's arising and see if you can sense the emotion in your body. Tap into the emotion.

12:09

Sometimes grounding your awareness in the feeling in your body can really help ground that experience because then you're not feeding into the mind. And it's good because usually the emotion is strong. That feeling of fear, disgust, embarrassment, it's going to be pretty pertinent. It's going to be pretty there. So it's a good thing to tap into. Be cautious of witnessing that and letting it turn back into thinking in your mind. Bring that witnessing presence.

12:38

The same thing that you develop in zazen, when you're witnessing that breath, there's no judgment of the sensation of breathing. It's just a witnessing of the inhale and the exhale, out-heel. And you can just bring that same awareness to the emotion. You're not judging it good, not judging it bad. It's simply an emotion. And the thought is simply a thought. The thought image is simply an image. And we can detach.

13:07

from our judgment. Maybe on a particular rough day where these intrusive thoughts are really just coming in strong and you feel bombarded by them. Then along with our morning meditation, it may be good for you to do an evening or afternoon meditation. Maybe on your lunch break, you can go for a walk, see if you can start by becoming aware of the sounds around you.

13:33

as your mind starts turning and the worries there, witness that worry, that fear, and then see if you can turn your attention to the sounds around you, the wind in the trees, the birds, see if you can tune into the sounds around you, and then see if you can tune into the sensations of the physical body of walking, your feet touching the ground.

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you

14:07

Another part of this, and I think another reason for my own affliction early on was a lack of self-care. Poor diet, no exercise, smoking cigarettes, stressed at my job, and no at that point real spiritual practice. And so there is an importance of taking care of our own bodies and minds, caring for ourselves. Something comes out of that caring for ourselves that maybe these impulsive or intrusive thoughts, if they're violent or harmful to others.

14:36

When we care for ourselves, we subconsciously show ourselves, wow, like I'm worthy of being cared for. It does something to build up a little bit of that self-confidence and self-assuredness that our intentions are good. And not only that, but exercising and working out, which I have not been doing a very good job of lately. It releases all sorts of positive chemicals in the mind that can help us get out of that state of fear, panic, and pain.

15:04

So caring for yourself and paying attention to your diet. The key takeaways here with almost any Zen Buddhist podcast, Dharma talk or Buddhist talk, it all comes back to cultivating present moment awareness, disidentifying with the thinking mind and finding our true home and identity in the presence that we are. If you're early on the path, keep going.

15:32

If you're in the middle of the path, keep going. And if you're at the end, keep going. Once you really start this journey, there is no other option. If you are experiencing intrusive or impulsive thoughts, I know it's hard and I want you to know that you're not alone. Now there's a lot of people that experience this. People don't usually talk about it, but I can tell you for sure, I've dealt with it and deal with it. So know that you're not alone and don't be afraid to seek professional help if you feel like you need it.

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because we don't have all the answers and we can't always heal ourselves. I've sought counseling and treatment at different times, sometimes related to this and sometimes related to other things.

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you

16:32

Thank you so much for hanging out with me and talking about some serious ass topics. Maybe one of the next episodes I'll do will be a little bit more lighthearted, but thank you for being here. And if you got anything out of this episode or any previous episode, please subscribe to the podcast. It does a lot to help me connect with other people. Spotify, for instance, when you subscribe, it just sends this little...

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to the Spotify gods and they're like, oh, Matt, at the Imperfect Buddhist, he's doing something right. I'll show more people this stuff. And you know, if you could even leave a review. I appreciate it and it really helps me reach more people. I'm not asking for money at this point, I just want stars. And I'll talk to you next week. All right, bye.

Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-imperfect-buddhist/donations

00:00

To love is to recognize. To be loved is to be recognized by the other. Thich Nhat Hanh

00:20

Welcome my friends and fellow travelers to the imperfect Buddhist, where we get annoyed when our kitties walk all over our recording equipment when we're trying to record a very serious podcast. I'm your host Matthew Hockmahoney, and in today's episode, we're talking about relationships. This episode is titled Buddhism and Relationships.

01:08

I remember I told my coworker Christy that I was Buddhist, and shortly after she said something along the lines of, Buddhists don't believe in relationships. Sorry Christy if you're listening to this if I completely butchered what you said, but it was pretty much that sentiment. I guess some people outside of Buddhism, or maybe even in certain sects of Buddhism,

01:29

don't believe in relationships or perhaps in the past in the monastic days they didn't believe in relationships. I know they definitely didn't allow them in most monasteries. There appears to be a wide spectrum of people's interpretation when you say Buddhism and relationships. You have people say that Buddhists don't believe in relationships and then you have like a self-help book on dating written from the perspective of the Buddha.

01:56

In a more general sense, we have the central idea in Zen of cultivating awakening through present moment awareness. And I think this is a great way to enter into the conversation of Buddhism and relationships. As we grow in our capability of being present with ourselves through meditation or meditative practices, we develop an open, embracing awareness.

02:25

We practice that on ourselves in silent meditation and our various other ways of practicing. We can extend that same loving, open awareness that we cultivate in meditation to people in our lives, including significant others.

02:45

When we cultivate that present moment awareness, we also get to experience more of the best things in life because the best things in life are happening in the present moment, including our relationships, our interactions with our partners, our interactions with everybody in our life. It happens right now.

03:06

you

03:16

A more generalist view of how things are going in the relationships department in society right now. Relationships seem a lot more complicated than they did back when our parents or grandparents dated. Why is that? I think it's pretty obvious. If you start to look at modern dating, you see some pretty obvious things that stick out as far as dating apps, social media, but then there's some other things that seem like they're maybe not as obvious.

03:45

A lot of people lack communication skills or the ability to connect to others through conversation, holding a conversation. I know personally, in my early 20s when I left the house, I found it hard to hold conversations with anyone, let alone a woman I found attractive. That kind of put a damper on my romantic life. Not really being able to hold a conversation with someone I felt was attractive because I didn't know how to navigate it. I didn't know how to

04:17

The way relationships start these days is pretty different. We talked about social media and dating apps, people connecting more on a surface level, obviously looking at somebody liking the way that they look, you can swipe right or left. Also connecting more surface level with what they decide to tell you about themselves in their description. So we have a veneer that we interact with in the dating world. A lot of people

04:45

We're very self-preoccupied and part of that comes with our culture and social media and the self-preoccupation that our culture pushes through advertising and through media. There's a hero in almost every movie or show that you watch and it's all about that character. And so in a way that starts to form the mind in a way that it's like you're the main character in your movie. So you start to look at your world in that way.

05:16

I'll read something from If the Buddha Dated, which I've not read the whole book, but this is a nice quote. It says, our refuge is being exactly where we are, not dramatizing problems by replaying them in our heads, telling stories to our friends, eliciting sympathy, and convincing ourselves that this is a very big deal. Our refuge is in the stillness of being the compassionate witness to our panic and fear, not judging it as good or bad.

05:44

just accepting the what is of the moment.

05:48

this open awareness that we cultivate in meditation. Usually with our own minds, thoughts and emotions, we carry that into our relationships with our partners. We can hold them in that same open loving awareness, recognizing our true self, it's a funny way of saying it, but our unitedness, our oneness in that relationship, and we can move towards unity. And it's a beautiful thing to be able to share that with a partner.

06:17

with somebody that you can spend your life with. But we can also experience that unity outside of romantic relationships. So if you're somebody that is not particularly interested in romantic relationships or haven't had very good luck with them, you're not excluded from that experience of unity.

06:45

the idea that you can just simply meditate and bring the awareness of meditation to your relationships. It's a bigger task than what it looks like on face value. I've been meditating off and on, mostly on for the last 10 years, and it's only more recently that I'm finding I'm able to bring this presence and love to people around me in a more consistent basis. If you are somebody that is

07:11

practicing and doing your daily meditation in the morning and the evening. Whether it's five, ten, twenty minutes each session, it may take a little bit of time. And I think it does start with yourself. Starts with self-love. Kind of love yourself before you can love other people. But cheesy? It is. It's very true. So, starts with loving yourself.

07:35

Recording this episode has helped me reflect a little bit on where I'm at in my relationship and how some of the stuff I've learned from the Zen temple and various self-help books has impacted my relationship. And it makes me thankful that I've had the influence of this in my life. Our relationship would be in a very different place, if at all, existing without some of this stuff. My practice moving forward, the way that I plan on approaching relationships,

08:05

will be mostly the same. I'm continuing though to develop the perspective of other as self, trying to move closer to unity, viewing my partner's needs the same as my own. It is a moment-to-moment practice. We are perfect the way we are, but there's always room for improvement in that this path of awareness and awakening is something that is continually walked and it's never really completed.

08:35

I'd really appreciate it if you could rate and review my show in your podcast. Service of choice, for instance, if you're in Spotify clicking the stars. Give me a lot of stars. And maybe leaving a couple thoughts on the podcast. I really appreciate your support. It encourages me to keep going. I look forward to talking to you next time. Alright, bye-bye.

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00:00

Who will master this world and the realms of Yama and the gods? Who will select a well-taught Dharma teaching as a skilled person selects a flower?

00:21

Welcome to The Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss mindfulness and applying Zen principles to modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney and today's episode is titled Buddhism and the Mexican Petunia.

00:46

Lately, my wife and I have been trying to cut back on our use of the TV as a distraction device. We've experimented with taking the plug out of the TV or taking the batteries out of the remote, and it's never really stuck. This time, we've made it about three days. I've been trying to take more inspiration from nature. I've been trying to take more walks outside along our 1950s neighborhood streets. I've got these brick houses. They all look pretty much the same.

01:15

This morning I went for a walk at about 6.30 a.m. as the sun was rising. I've been trying to pay attention to the natural world around me and notice things and try to look at the trees and the flowers and the plants without labels, looking to see what this being is in front of me. It's a lot easier for me to do that than it is with human beings. Human beings, we have all of our emotions and projections and wants and desires and all that stuff. So it can be easier for me to start with

01:45

tree beings and plant beings and bug beings.

01:50

The name of this episode's an interesting one, Buddhism and the Mexican Petunia. You might be wondering where I'm going with this. But today's episode, we're gonna talk about this Mexican Petunia that's growing outside of my window and the little lessons that I've learned from it over the two years that I've been living in this house. We're gonna learn from this unassuming flower, resilience, embracing impermanence, finding beauty and simplicity, growth and transformation.

02:19

and non-identification with labels. That's a lot for a little plant that most people consider to be a weed to teach us.

02:38

We bought our house about two years ago. When we moved in, there really wasn't a whole lot of landscape and we have the classic front and backyard grass. We have a magnolia tree that's beautiful in the spring that has beautiful white flowers. We have various other plants and shrubs. My wife pulled up some and I remember distinctly when we first moved in, there was this one plant that was growing near my office window down the ground, scrubby looking little thing. It looked different than a lot of the other plants around.

03:08

mowing the yard. I was wondering should I mow it down? And my wife said, oh no don't do that. That's a Mexican petunia. Some people think it's a weed, but it's actually a really pretty flower. So we can just leave it. And the plant wasn't anything special. It has these long spear-like leaves to it. It's got a really dark green, pretty skinny small stem. And so some time went by and I think one or two little purple flowers popped up on it and I just

03:37

was so blown away that a lot of people would consider this flower to be a weed or a pest. I was really surprised when I saw how beautiful the purple flowers were. Over time, we left it, we let it grow, and a couple small offshoots turned into a whole bush. After being here for a year, springtime rolled around again, and all of a sudden we got all of these beautiful purple flowers, and they're blooming right below my office window, so...

04:05

I'm sitting at work and I look out the window and this purple flower will catch my eye. I noticed a heavy rainstorm would come and all the flowers would drop. And I was like, oh man, I really like to look at those. And the next morning there'd be brand new flowers. I remember telling my wife, holy crap, like this is an amazing plant. It drops its flowers and it has brand new flowers the next day.

04:31

The Mexican petunia is very resilient too, with all the really strong storms we get here with wind and heavy rain, or when it gets really hot and humid, or even when it gets really cold too during the winter. It seems like the Mexican petunia just stands there. It's never looked like it's been that surprised by any of the weather. It may not have flowers year round, but I've never really felt like it died back severely or anything when some plants, man, it gets cold for a while and they're just...

04:59

dead, you have to baby him and cover him and all this stuff. But the Mexican Petunia, it's just made it through.

05:17

drawing some inspiration from the Mexican petunia and its ability to withstand so many conditions. Not only is it dealing with extreme heat and cold and wind and rain, but also the glaring eye of gardeners who look at it as like a pest. I'm not a plant, but I don't think it's aware of those distasteful glares that it's getting every now and then from our neighbors.

05:45

reminds me of this section out of Returning to Silence by Katagiri. He says, human beings are apt to attach to the aspect of life called pleasure. This is why we often say enjoy life. Why then does Buddhism say look at suffering? Because suffering is the one aspect of human life that people don't want to see. We try to close our eyes to suffering but we cannot do it. It is because we can't close our eyes to suffering that the Buddha has to say.

06:13

Look at this other aspect of human life that you don't see. Suffering is a holy truth. So to say that life is characterized by suffering is not a pessimistic teaching. And reading that and looking at the petunia, I see that it can withstand all of these adverse situations. It doesn't even label them as adverse. It's completely with whatever the environment is doing. And it's just saving up its energy for spring to put out flowers and to drop them and create new flowers.

06:44

We can learn from this Mexican petunia selflessness. The Mexican petunia doesn't sit there and think, oh, poor me, it's so hot out right now, oh my God. And oh, Matt's neighbor across the street just keeps looking at me with his little trowel that he wants to dig me out. Oh, it's so cold. Oh, nobody even stops and notices my flowers. It keeps making its flowers and it drops them. It doesn't hold on to those old flowers or think how hard it worked on those flowers.

07:14

budding of the flowers, the letting go of those flowers so that new ones can be made with new pollen so it can spread its sweetness throughout the land.

07:26

Learning from this giving and dropping away and giving, I'm learning that we may have a great meditation. Things may be flowing really well and it's this flower blooming and it's gorgeous and you're experiencing it and you're one with it. The bell rings or somebody knocks at the door. We start to think how good we are at meditating, how great it's going, and we start to hold on to that. Letting that fall away and allowing the new bloom to come up, whatever that next experience is.

07:56

This is from the Dhammapada. It says, the mindful apply themselves. They don't amuse themselves in any abode. Like swans flying from a lake, they abandon home after home.

08:10

One other thing I want to mention is the simplicity and elegance of this flower. It's very unassuming in non-blooming times with spear-shaped leaves and a dark green. Now that I know that it creates such beautiful flowers, I appreciate its simplicity and elegance in non-blooming times. It's a very unassuming plant and we can draw that parallel to our own practices, especially in zazen.

08:39

And some people, especially if you're practicing at a Zen temple, would be like, what? This is not what I would expect when it comes to a spiritual practice. Everybody's in these black robes and bells ring and you go sit down and it's pretty plain and it's not over the top. There's something to learn about that in our own spiritual lives about not being extravagant or over the top, that we can be simple and natural and plain and produce these beautiful ways of being.

09:08

these beautiful experiences that we can share with people. We can be an example of simplicity, yet brilliance. Simple brilliance.

09:22

Bye!

09:33

This is a study in how much one plant could symbolize for one person, if they really took the time to look at it. Concepts of simplicity, renewal, letting go and endurance. All things that I found symbolized in a plant, most people would consider a weed in my front yard.

09:54

If we're looking for it in our own practices, our own lives, we can find inspiration. We can find symbolism for resilience, growth, simplicity, and embracing imperfection. I would encourage you, in your own life, taking a look at the world around you. Hopefully you have some type of nature. Maybe it's just a small bush out in front of your house, but take some time to look at it. Pay attention to it with the passing of the seasons. Try not to label it.

10:24

or come up with a bunch of stories in your mind about what it is to pay attention to as the months and the seasons go by. When we start to get to that place where everything is usable, we start to see teachers all around us. We have flower teachers, tree teachers, bug teachers, and bitchy Karen teachers. Those ones are harder to learn from, but they definitely have a lesson to teach. I'm still trying to learn the lesson there.

11:04

inspired to honor this beautiful simple plant in front of my house. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week. I look forward to talking to you next time.

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00:01

When you do something, you should burn yourself up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself. Shunryu Suzuki

00:25

Welcome friends and travelers along the path. This is the imperfect Buddhist. I'm your host, Matthew Hock Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism and Leadership, leading by example and the ripple effect.

01:07

Leading by example can have profound impacts on our relationships, our spiritual development, and the world around us. In a time where so many people, including myself sometimes, want to inspire action in others around them through using force or coercion of some sort, or I guess telling other people how to think and act. I believe leading by example is the ultimate way to make change in the world.

01:36

This is something that I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, especially with all of the political unrest and people screaming at each other across the aisles on how we should think about gay rights or how we should deal with women's rights and their right to bodily autonomy with abortion. Bud Light in an attempt to appeal to a different demographic, adding certain controversial imagery.

02:06

and messaging to their cans and being ostracized by both sides of the argument.

02:15

with things like climate change and starting to think a little bit about how can I play a part in changing people's thoughts around me that don't agree with me. My uncle Tim, for instance, I visited with him on 4th of July and he has some very strong opinions about climate change, that it is a conspiracy, that all climate scientists or the ones that are reporting on this are actually funded by the government. And so how can I get him to see things the way that I see them? How can I get him to see?

02:44

The science that says, Uncle Tim, our oceans are hotter than they've ever been. Uncle Tim, we've never seen weather patterns like this ever. Uncle Tim, how are they keeping it quiet that certain scientists have been receiving this money? I wanna go into this argument and start to tell him how to think about the subject. So I started thinking more about what does leading by example mean in this situation? Segment one.

03:12

the desire to change others and leading by example.

03:22

It's pretty normal to wanna change others instead of leading by example. Maybe it takes less energy or we have the illusion that it takes less energy that if I could just lambast my Uncle Tim, bludgeon him to fucking death with scientific data. The numbers, Uncle Tim's go to the beach, let's go to the water. Dip your toes in, how hot does it feel? Tim, I want you to see things the way that I see them.

03:49

Maybe it's for some fucked up reason of control. Maybe it's for some other daddy issue. Or maybe it's because I truly care about the environment and I'm freaked out by what's happening and someone I love, my uncle Tim, doesn't see it. And it scares me that he doesn't see it. And I want someone I love to see it and to work with me to make a better situation. Maybe it's easier for me to

04:18

Point out to Uncle Tim all this stuff and talk about the science, talk about the data, because it's really hard for me to look at my own life and see how am I playing a part in making the situation worse? How am I a contributor to climate change? What are the things that I'm doing or that I could change that would make the situation better? Why do I want to control? Why do I want to bludgeon with my ideas, convince, influence? What are these desires?

04:48

where actions come from. Looking inside, they come from a strongly held belief, one that I am certain is correct. So there might be the desire to have someone I love or care about see something the way that I see it. Why is that important? Because if they don't believe what I believe, maybe that means they're lower intelligence and I just can't stand for that. Or maybe it's some type of ego gratification where

05:14

If they're disagreeing with me, then maybe that means I'm wrong somehow and I can't stand for that. And it's also an attachment to a certain outcome. I want the earth to sustain life, human life. I want that. I desire that. I will fight for that. And it's not such a bad attachment, but in Buddhism it is an attachment. And maybe some would say it is a wish for well-being of others, a form of metta, form of love. And that could also be true.

05:43

But only we can know by seeing ourselves truly. Trying to change others through force has its limitations. How about you? Someone says, hey, Sarah, hey, Mike, hey, John, hey, Christy. Hey, Matt, you're doing that wrong. This is the way to do it. I can't believe you ever tried it that way. Let me show you the right way to do it. And I never want to see you do it that way ever again. You're an idiot for thinking that. What does that bring up for you?

06:13

And of course that's an extreme version, but of course it brings up resentment, brings up a pushback, and a lot of times it strengthens the behavior we wish to see changed, strengthens the ideas or beliefs in other people's that we wish to see changed, and it grains those things deeper in other people. So a lot of the times it has a counteractive effect. This idea that we're going to change them, make them better, make them believe what we believe doesn't seem to work.

06:44

Segment 2, the 100 year old man's unintentional inspiration, aka I want to pet dogs.

06:56

June 23rd, 2023, 8 a.m. He wanted to pet dogs for his 100th birthday, hundreds lined up. Allison Moore was stunned when more than 200 canines congregated waiting patiently for their turn to be petted by her father. When Allison Moore began brainstorming ideas for her father's 100th birthday celebration, there was a non-negotiable for the festivities. Dogs needed to be there, as many pooches as possible.

07:26

Quote, he just love, love, loves dogs, Alison Moore 60 said of her dad, Robert Moore, who turned 100 on June 14th. Quote, every dog he sees, he wants to pet. He has been like this his whole life, end quote. In addition to a big family dinner on his birthday, Alison Moore and her two siblings wanted to do something extra to mark the milestone. Sadly, a lot of his best friends aren't with us anymore, she said. So she decided dogs would have to do.

07:55

Six days before the celebration, Allison Moore posted on the Neighborhood Network site next door, as well as on Facebook, explaining her idea and asking for dogs in San Jose to stop by for a pet parade on June 17th. People started sharing her posts and other local groups on social media. Quote, We live in a nice little community and I thought I could get some of my neighbors and friends to come.

08:17

End quote, said Allison Moore, adding that she planned for her father to sit outside her home with a banner and assemble a small line of dogs for him to admire and cuddle. Human treats and dog treats would be served. Since the posts got some attraction, Allison Moore said she expected 20, maybe 30 dogs to show up. She was stunned when, shortly after the parade started at 11 a.m., more than 200 canines congregated, waiting patiently for their turn to be petted by her father. Quote, I was shocked, end quote.

08:46

said Allison Moore, explaining that some people drove more than 10 miles to attend the celebration. Her father, who was the Dean of Applied Sciences and Arts of San Jose State University for 25 years, was deeply touched by the turnout. Quote, he was so overwhelmed, end quote. His daughter said, he was just so sweet in talking to the kids and petting all the dogs and saying their names. It was so much fun, end quote.

09:10

Even though the event was intended to bring joy to Robert Moore, it ended up also being a delightful day for the people who attended, including Roger O'Brien, 88, who has Alzheimer's disease. His daughter, Denise O'Brien, brought him in his geriatric recliner, along with his dog Lucky, to the parade. Quote, it was the most beautiful thing, end quote, said Denise O'Brien, who owns a dog care company, Silicon Valley Watch Dogs.

09:37

and stumbled upon Alison Moore's post on Nextdoor. It's been a long time since I saw my dad smile for 90 minutes straight," end quote. Her father has been suffering from Alzheimer's for the last 11 years. Denise O'Brien said, adding that he only remembers his wife's name and his dog's name. He proudly introduced Lucky to everyone at the parade. This made not just my dad's day, but his whole year. TheWashingtonPost.com by Sydney Page, June 23rd, 2023.

10:07

Thank you.

10:13

This guy loved dogs. He found a lot of joy in petting dogs, seeing dogs, talking to dogs. Was he out to change the world or get in the news or convince other people that, hey, the present moment is worth enjoying? Hey, dogs are part of that present moment. Nope, he just enjoyed dogs. He enjoyed petting dogs. He enjoyed the simple things in life. And in turn, he values those simple things by valuing something simple and real.

10:42

He enjoyed it and through this big story that got out, now he's inspiring other people to enjoy the simple things in life like petting dogs. It's an unintentional ripple effect that can't help but have a subconscious impact on anybody that reads it. Maybe most people that read that story wouldn't think, hey, I should be more present and enjoy what's in front of me. This guy could have done anything. I don't know anything, but he decided on his 100th birthday to pet dogs.

11:12

Maybe this 100 year old knows something, I don't know. But it inspired me. Started to make me think a little bit about the climate change stuff. I started thinking to myself, maybe I'm coming at it backwards.

11:23

Friday morning, my wife and I, we started doing this early morning beach walk before we go to work. And I was grumpy this morning. I didn't want to get up. I was up late the night before playing Magic the Gathering Arena. We got to the beach and we were walking and I was watching my breath and feeling a little bit of water at my ankles and sand in my toes. Listening to the rushing water that built up in these little pools that would drain back into the ocean.

11:53

all enveloping feeling and I was enjoying it so thoroughly as we're walking. The sun's starting to come out, be a little bit more overhead, and I'm just enjoying it so much. And this story, this man came to me, I started thinking about how he enjoyed petting dogs and he probably inspired a lot of people more so than someone just flat out telling you that you should be present and enjoy the small things. He led by example. So my wife and I were talking about Uncle Tim and his ideas of climate change.

12:22

My wife, I said, do I believe humanity is something worth saving? Yeah, I do. Are we attached to one expression of what this world does? Well, yeah, certainly, because we're attached to this expression of our planet because it led to human life and an abundance of life. Does that mean that's the only expression of this planet that's beautiful? No. But what about the idea of the universe becoming conscious of itself? Dolphins, humans, primates.

12:52

I don't know the awareness that a dragonfly has, but I'm sure it's there to a level. And this current expression of this planet leads to the universe becoming aware of itself and the ability to transcend, to ponder. The universe is pondering itself and I think that's a beautiful thing.

13:12

So I got into this idea of how much do I enjoy nature? Am I walking along and really appreciating the trees, the plants, the water that's around me? Is it something that I'm actually enthralled in? It occurred to me that people aren't gonna do what's necessary until they find value in nature, value in consciousness. And so if they don't have that or see value, then why would they do all this stuff that is pretty inconvenient? It's inconvenient to...

13:41

do some of this climate impact reduction. So what would it look like if I just really enjoyed petting dogs that have a better impact on Uncle Tim and other people that'd like to change their minds?

14:04

Segment 3, the transformative power of leading by example.

14:15

So far, we've talked about concepts of pure enjoyment, the dropping away of desire being present with, or as some would say, being the change we want to see. How does Zen play a part in all this? Or better yet, how does Buddhist principles play a part in this? With the idea or example of the man with the dogs being present, he had a natural connection with and love for dogs. That present moment awareness, being able to tap into this moment and

14:44

be with things, we naturally start to enjoy some things more. We don't experience things on such a surface level and it opens up the possibility for deeper experiences. We start to get in touch with what's going on inside of us. Maybe we have trauma from the past, fears of the future that prevent us from really enjoying anything or caring about anything on a deeper level. Buddhist principles and practices allow us to

15:13

move through some of that and work on our shit so that we can be the person that we want to see in the world. Or to actually just be the person that we are. I read the other day that someone said that spiritual development isn't becoming something new, it's the letting go of everything we're not until our true self is revealed. So I've done some self-reflection during this episode and I want to encourage you to do the same thing. Look at ways that maybe you are.

15:40

trying to be an influencer and get them numbers up on Instagram. I know the grind I've done it to but in what ways can you lead by example letting go of the desire to change. Letting go of the desire connecting more with a principle of love meta inside of yourself and with those around you. How could that have a greater impact?

16:04

If you want to be listened to, try listening to someone else. See what happens. If you want to be loved and accepted for who you are, try doing that with your worst enemy. If you want to see people give a shit about the environment and value it and value human life or the ability to sustain human life, then you should try doing that too. As for myself, I want to see a more awakened, loving world. I want to be a part of that world. I want people to experience peace in their life.

16:34

sense of wholeness because life is way too short to go from desire and sense pleasure from desire to sense pleasure and never have that feeling of wholeness that everything is as it is Complete and you are complete. I'd like a lot of people to experience that but hey How much do I experience that how often am I picking up my phone and looking for some type of? Online purchase that can fulfill me for 10 minutes. How often am I looking forward to some experience or

17:03

trying to disconnect through food because I'm not experiencing my wholeness and deeper connection.

17:11

The chances that we're gonna change someone's strongly held beliefs or opinion about something through argument or force for will is very low. The chances of having positive benefit in the world now through leading by action and leading by example goes up pretty significantly. But there's no guarantee that we will influence any major change in the world. But hey, at least we enjoyed life. At least we lived by the principles that...

17:41

we believed in that maybe we got to pet a couple dogs and really enjoy that.

17:57

Thank you so much for coming and hanging out with me. I have really enjoyed doing this episode and sharing it with you. I hope you have a wonderful week ahead when you're present, that moments of joy spring up, that you get to experience again what it was like to be a kid and love looking at a tree or climbing in a tree or picking fresh plums or riding your bike when through the hair. I hope you have a beautiful week ahead and I will talk to you next week. Bye.

Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/the-imperfect-buddhist/donations

00:09

Welcome to the imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss mindfulness and incorporating Zen Buddhism into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney and today's episode is titled Buddhism and Love.

00:52

Thank you for stopping in and listening. Whether this is your first episode or I don't know what episode I'm on, maybe your 50th. I really appreciate you sticking with me and stopping in. It's been a while since I've shared with you. It's amazing how the days blend together. When I'm working from home, it seems like weeks can go by, months. And even the last couple years seems like they've gone by very fast. And I was looking at...

01:19

episodes and realized, wow, I haven't talked with you in a while, so I wanted to change that.

01:26

Love and Buddhism. I had a friend recently when we were talking about Buddhism bring up the idea that some Buddhists don't believe in relationships as far as sexual, physical relationships or marriage. I think I've heard that from other people before. When we're talking about love though, we're talking more about the concept of seeing yourself in someone else, seeing unity. I quote,

01:55

When you love someone, you have to offer the best you have. The best thing we can offer another person is our true presence. Thich Nhat Hanh. It's being present with somebody, seeking to understand, and eventually even seeing your true identity, which is the presence that witnesses, realizing that's in that other person. You recognize your oneness. Please know that I'm not there yet. This is the imperfect Buddhist. I didn't say I'm completely at this place yet.

02:24

But I have had visions or insight moments where I've felt that connectedness, oneness, and had moved from my head of thinking about this concept of oneness and actually experiencing it.

02:51

Love and our culture. How does this topic or concept of love relate to our culture? Love is a word often used in titles for Netflix shows, like Love is Blind. It's used a lot in songs, song lyrics. People say, hey, I love ice cream or I love pizza. I think a lot of people don't have a very deep definition of what love means.

03:20

We have a culture around love, which is this commercialized version. We have sayings about love, love your neighbor, or I love that pizza, but what does this really mean?

03:32

I've been married for almost... Oh my God, don't tell my wife I'm forgetting our anniversary, but I wanna say we've been married for six or seven years. At the time when we were dating, I was reading this book called The Road Less Traveled. It had a pretty profound impact on my life and the way that I look at reality. When I met Amanda, we both read that book together, and it has a really great definition of love. And so I'm gonna read that for you. M. Scott Peck, the author, defines love as...

04:00

The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Actually, that was my first real definition of love. It gave new meaning to the word love. Before that, love was something that was thrown around in songs or in pop culture or something you'd say in a sentence, but it didn't really have any real meaning.

04:30

My own journey with the concept of love has been evolving quite a bit lately. I recently started the book A Course in Miracles, which is definitely not in Zen or Buddhist tradition, but it has a lot of powerful things to say about love, about human experience and what it means to be connected with other people. The author claims that they...

04:58

channeled this work and it seems to be written from the viewpoint of Jesus. I know that is enough to make most people's eyes roll and typically would make my eyes roll, but I gave it a try because somebody that I really respect in the mindfulness teachings mentioned it and said this is a really powerful book and make up your own mind. So I did and I have gotten a lot out of it, especially around the concept of love and action in

05:26

love's role in life. Through reading it I am starting to recognize love as an experience and a phenomenon rather than just a thought or an action. That there is this energy of love that we can experience. We can also be the transmitter of love. This is all sounding new agey but all that means is that we choose loving action. We choose to see people as ourselves and treat them accordingly.

05:56

quote from A Course in Miracles, teach only love for that is what you are.

06:04

The idea in A Course in Miracles is that there is only love, everything else is an illusion and a fiction created in the minds of men and women and that awakening is coming home to that reality that there is only love. In Buddhist texts, the Dhammapada says, hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love. This is the eternal rule.

06:49

I want to talk a little bit about the reality of applying some of these concepts in my own life. A lot of my practice comes up in work. That makes sense, right? I spend a lot of my time other than sleeping or at home at work. There's a person that, personality-wise, I actually, I don't really have much of a problem with them, but it seems that they really are not a fan of me. From the beginning, I remember my second day at this job. It's a remote job, but I had flown in to the location and had...

07:18

Just met everybody and I think it was like day two and I remember walking into the shared office space with a team and this person gave me this very, kind of like they're looking right through me, glaring. As time went on it became very apparent that this person just didn't like me, eventually resulting in me talking with my boss and saying, hey, do you think this person has it out for me? And he said, yeah, they do. It's not me projecting anymore. It's very obvious that this person doesn't like me.

07:49

I've had different reactions to this. There's been times where I felt very defensive. My boss would bring up to me something that this person had come to them with telling on me or finding a reason to point out a mistake that I made. I've did the defensive thing where I got brought up and I started going into being defensive and trying to point out this person's flaws and all that. Coming at it like this didn't feel good. At the end of the day, after

08:14

Going through the dramas of complaining to other people, feeling offended, or maybe even in some ways trying to suck up or be nicer to this person that doesn't like me. Trying to like, maybe influence this opinion they have of me. It just didn't feel good. It didn't feel right. Reading A Course in Miracles, it was starting to influence me to start to look at other people in a new way, including this person, from the perspective of, okay, I've made the mistake also where I just decided somebody was bad or negative, never even speaking to them.

08:45

So after spinning my wheels with all of the traditional routes, complaining, trying to coerce the situation, I started applying this idea of... I guess put it the simple way, treating other people the way I want to be treated. I would hope in a situation where I was misguided in my assumptions about someone, or projecting a lot on somebody else, I would hope that they would be able and willing to forgive me and to recognize the pain that I was in.

09:14

It's changed the dynamic between us, not necessarily that it's changed this person's mind about me, but it's changed the dynamic within myself where it really doesn't bother me much anymore. I'm doing what I can, doing my best, trying to treat the people around me with love, including this person.

09:33

Going back to that concept of acting for my own or another person's own spiritual growth in that moment where this person is projecting onto me or treating me unfairly, what is the best thing for my own and this other person's spiritual growth?

09:49

Not really being that offended or hurt by the projections that this person is pushing out because that would only strengthen the illusion in themselves and myself. I get offended or I start to want to change a course, the situation, it's strengthening that illusion, which has no reality.

10:15

Another breakthrough that's come from this embracing of love as a guide for my actions and thoughts is jealousy, especially in romantic relationships.

10:30

It started all the way back to when I was like really a little kid. I remember being worried that my mom or my dad were going to cheat on each other. I'd ask them, are you cheating on dad or are you cheating on mom? And then as the years went by, my parents got a divorce and I remember being jealous of my mom's time when she got remarried. I suddenly just felt like I wasn't getting the same attention. Got into my first relationship, one of those little teenage fights where you break up for a weekend.

10:58

And during one of these weekend breakups, she went on a date with another guy, ended up making out with him, who knows what happened. I'm questioning her for months about what really happened. It got ingrained at a young age, these patterns of jealousy, suspicion, and fear. In my marriage now, there are moments where I start to go down that path of imagining my wife doing something behind my back or going out with somebody or saying that she's...

11:24

going to the Goodwill to go shopping for used clothes or whatever, but really she's out with this guy.

11:32

I had a realization recently where I was like, okay, what is loving in this moment? So say my wife was in a situation where she really decided to do that. What kind of pain would she have to be in or confusion or illusion or whatever you want to call it? She'd have to be in a very dark, hurt place to be taking such actions. This consideration shifted things for me where suddenly I wasn't afraid, but I was feeling compassion.

12:01

It was a shift from fear into love and trying to see things through other people's eyes, but also seeing other people as myself.

12:11

It was a game changing shift. I still have those moments where I get fearful or I start to go down the questioning path about things, but it definitely feels like it's shifting the dynamic. It also helps when you have a partner that is loving and seeking my own and her own spiritual growth. There is moments where she might get a little bit angry, but overall she's like, you're in pain. You're really fearful and anxious right now because you're going down that path. Let me help you. Let me.

12:39

help walk you through this and show you that I love you and that we'll get through this together.

12:54

Welcome to the quick tip portion of the episode. We're going to talk a little bit about meta practice. I'm going to tell you a brief overview of how to do a meta practice or meta meditation. But I also wanted to let you know that there is a guided meta meditation available at my website, theimperfectbuddhist.com. The general guidelines for meta meditation.

13:21

You want to find a comfortable place to sit where you're not going to be interrupted and that you can have some privacy and you can feel comfortable. Not worry about someone walking in on you or looking at you weird. It's all about you connecting with your own body and breath and your heart in this moment.

13:39

You're going to find that place, take a couple deep breaths and relax. Focus on the area of your heart, along with the sensation of your breathing. You're going to begin by directing loving kindness to yourself. So you can repeat phrases in your own mind or out loud. If you have the privacy, such as, may I be happy? May I be well? May I be safe? May I be peaceful and at ease? And you're going to let.

14:06

Those feelings of warmth and love grow as you're saying that. You're cultivating this love inside to yourself, which, you know, can be complicated for some people. After you've gotten the love flowing, you're going to bring to mind someone who has cared for you deeply. Maybe it's like a mom, friend, sibling, partner. You're going to use the same phrases. May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.

14:36

It will allow those feelings of warmth and love to grow.

14:41

sinking into that heartfelt meaning and connecting with those loving feelings that arise. You're going to continue the meditation by gradually extending loving kindness, meditation to other people in your life. Eventually, you're going to extend this loving kindness to somebody you have difficulty with. So in my situation, it would be this co-worker that has it out for me, quote, unquote. And as you practice, you're going to encounter different feelings. Some people experience anger, grief, sadness.

15:10

These are all signs of your heart opening up. These are things that you're holding on to. When these things, emotions like clouds in the sky, you're not boxing them in. You're just simply watching them as they pass by. As they start to fade away, you can return back to your loving kindness meditation. With all meditation practices, there's no need to judge yourself.

15:34

The benefits of loving kindness is it cultivates compassion, love, and connection both towards ourselves and other people in our lives. It's a transformative practice that can bring peace and well-being into our lives.

15:50

Thanks for stopping in, I look forward to talking to you next week. Alright, bye bye.

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1. Introduction (00:19):

- Title: "Understanding Mindfulness and Conscious Living through Buddhism"

- Introduction: Matthew Hawk Mahoney, host of "The Imperfect Buddhist," delves into the significance of patterns in mindful living.

2. Mindful Living and Recognizing Patterns (01:07 - 02:34):

- Understanding the role of mindfulness in recognizing and altering life patterns, fostering conscious decision-making and personal growth.

3. Understanding Life's Cycles and Patterns (03:17 - 04:18):

- Highlighting the concept of interconnectedness and life cycles, emphasizing the significance of patterns in mindful and Buddhist philosophies.

4. Cultivating Present Moment Awareness and Mindfulness Practice (04:18 - 06:32):

- Emphasizing the importance of mindfulness and present moment awareness as fundamental practices in conscious living and Buddhist teachings.

5. Mindful Relationships and Conscious Communication (06:32 - 09:45):

- Applying mindfulness to foster healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of conscious communication and understanding patterns in interpersonal dynamics.

6. Transforming Patterns through Mindfulness and Gratitude (09:45 - 11:56):

- Exploring methods for transforming deep-rooted patterns through mindfulness and expressing gratitude, aligning with Buddhist principles and conscious living practices.

7. Conclusion: Embracing Mindful Living for Joy and Fulfillment (11:56):

- Encouraging readers to embrace mindful living and conscious awareness, fostering joy, love, and well-being in alignment with Buddhist teachings and principles.

Transcript

00:19

Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism and Patterns.

01:07

Patterns have been a key theme in my life lately. Particularly patterns that I would like to cease or change or augment. Maybe I'm halfway there. Maybe half the battle is knowing that I have patterns. Patterns have been playing an important part in my life right now, in my marriage and my personal life. Decisions I make with my health, how I spend my time, how I show up in my relationship.

01:35

Do I show up with a approach of love and growth and wanting to learn about myself and my partner? Or do I show up with feelings of jealousy, of control, of needing things to be a certain way? How does my partner show up? Is my partner showing up with patterns she created in her past? Certain family dynamics that shaped her at a young age? Is she showing up to me with those patterns?

02:04

or she's showing up with a mindset of love, growth, honesty. And let's not forget fun. My dad, of all people, because he has some serious habits and patterns in his life, he told my sister, I don't know if he told me, I think he told my sister, but it's a thing that we bring up every now and then in the family where he said, you know, Amanda, everything's a pattern, everything's a circle. When it comes to our habits, seems to be the case, seems to be true.

02:34

When we're unconscious, as can happen with anybody, even the most serious meditators in the world, we find ourselves at the end or the beginning or the middle of a habit. We ask, how the hell did I get here again? Some of us might believe we have no control, that this is just how it is, this is just my life, and it's your fault. It's her fault, it's his fault, it's their fault that I'm acting this way.

03:17

Patterns are a part of life. And to try to say that we should be devoid of patterns, goes against human nature, goes against nature itself. Look at the sun, look at the moon. They rise and they fall, usually around the same spot in the sky depending on the time of year. It rains, it's sunny, trees grow leaves and the leaves fall down to the ground and nourish the soil and the soil nourishes the tree. The tree makes new leaves.

03:47

The leaves fall down and nourish the soil. Our bodies, we inhale. Our lungs fill with air and pulls oxygen into our bloodstream. And we exhale that carbon dioxide. We inhale again. Our digestion, we get hungry. We eat food. Food goes in, it's digested, and it comes out as poop. It's all cycles. Everything is patterns. Experts will tell you it's good to have a healthy routine, a healthy pattern.

04:18

So how does Buddhism or mindfulness, present moment awareness, play a part in any of this? A friend and I were talking, and this is one of my best friends in the whole world, and my friend had been at the bar, just taking a little bit of me time, doing some journaling, reading some self-help books, trying to just figure out how they were feeling, what was going on with them. And I met up with them after they'd done this soul-searching session.

04:47

They were talking about how they wanted to start doing like these self check ins with themselves. They asked themselves like, how am I feeling? What am I doing right now? And we started talking about it and they asked me, how do you start with these patterns, either making new patterns or changing old patterns? The truest answer I could say was present moment awareness. And does it matter if you're Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Catholic, Satanist? The present moment is a real thing. It's right here in front of us. And

05:15

Being in the moment, being present is not a religious belief, it's just an act. It's a habit to focus. If we want to work on our patterns in life, we have to start where we're at. We have to start where the patterns start and start paying attention. Present moment awareness is the key to having some authorship to get our hand on the wheel of our life a little bit and to steer a little bit consciously. Like we're in a Tesla

05:45

car and it's autopiloting towards the ultimate destination of our life and we're like watching YouTube on the screen or playing one of those Tesla video games that comes with the car and then we like look up and we start looking around and we're like wait a minute do I want to go here? Do I want to go to Chuck E Cheese for the 50th time this month? I'm kind of sick of Chuck E Cheese. I haven't liked Chuck E Cheese since I was five years old. I am a 55 year old man.

06:14

Why do I keep going to Chuck E. Cheese? Do I like Chuck E. Cheese? I think I'm gonna turn off autopilot and maybe go to Olive Garden. What's more mature than Olive Garden?

06:32

So the core teaching in most meditative traditions is mindfulness and present moment awareness. And there's a reason for that. It is the key to deeper states of awareness, to augmenting habits, changing habits, engaging in new habits that hopefully benefit our well-being, feeling a freedom in life, joy, relationships.

06:57

Relationships and patterns seems to be one of the areas where patterns become most prevalent, most hurtful, most painful. Whether that's our own patterns and the way we are in relationships or the way other people are with us based on their patterns. And I'm guilty of it. I can admit that I have my patterns that are not so helpful. In this particular situation with this person I was with, she got home after work. I had made a nice meal.

07:27

I noticed a tightness in their face, like a little crease in between the eyebrows, usually a sign that something's going on. My partner had signed up for a book reading group and I said, oh, that's cool. I'd like to go. And they said, no, I don't really want you to go. I want to do this on my own. Sometimes you have a habit of talking over me or I feel like I can't express myself fully when you're around. And that was hard to hear, but I understood where they were coming from.

07:57

was much more quiet and there had been talks about how sometimes I could overpower them or talk over them. So yes, I totally got where they were coming from. I said, okay, I understand. As we sat on the couch, I said, hey, let's talk. Let's just connect and do a little check in. And it started pretty positive. But as we talked, that tightness on my partner's face came back and they had this crease between their eyebrows and I could sense.

08:23

It was getting heavy again. We eventually got to the bottom of it, and my partner expressed to me that she felt embarrassed by jokes I would make. And that was really hard to hear. And I felt sad that we had to dig so much to get to the bottom of what was going on. My partner expressed to me that, oh my God, this was a pattern. That she, in some ways, was projecting some of my responsibility on how she should feel or not feel when it comes to being.

08:53

embarrassed or not. The bigger pattern here was maintaining the status quo. So instead of telling me and really sitting down and expressing to me how serious this feeling of embarrassment and my part in bringing that up in them was, she decided to avoid that, maintain the status quo, and then begin to exclude me from certain social events. For her it was a moment of revelation of this is

09:23

points of contention out of fear of upsetting the person in my life. It was something that they learned early on with their family, their parents, and it was a pattern that was brought into our relationship.

09:45

I used to do these quick tip things and who knows, I may bring it back, but really there's only one tip and that is to be present. To do the practices that bring your attention and focus your mind on what's happening right now in your body, in your mind, in the environment around you. And that's really the only tip I can really give is that we can cultivate our present moment awareness through practices like mindfulness, meditation, and we can use the...

10:14

present moment energy that we cultivate through this to work with the patterns in our life. Sometimes noticing a pattern is all it will take to change it. Noticing a pattern though, sometimes it stays the same. It may even increase for a time. But usually through the simple noticing of a pattern, when we see it in the totality that is available to us as much as we can, we see what does it create? What is it creating in our lives and our relationships? Is it...

10:41

Is it bringing us closer to people? Is it pushing people away? Is it bringing us closer to a feeling of wholeness, of health, of love? Is it pushing those things away? We see the result and sometimes that's enough to completely change the pattern. With other things that are deeply ingrained, like my partner's habit of maintaining a status quo, or my patterns of jealousy or worry, it takes more time, it takes more work.

11:10

We've learned these habits to survive and we can honor them. We can get real self-help you with it. Say to these unhelpful habit patterns during meditation, thank you. Thank you, worry. You've helped me survive probably some situations, whatever reason, you're probably going to stay around or stick with me, but let's try to switch things up a little bit because it's not as helpful anymore. You can think the patterns and let them go and maybe they'll come back expressed in a new healthier way.

11:56

Wonderful week ahead and whatever patterns you experience. I hope that they bring you more joy, love, health, and just an awesome fricking life. I look forward to talking with you next time. Thanks, bye.

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Uniting Mind and Body in the Present Moment

It's easy to feel disconnected from the present moment and overwhelmed by the chaos of our thoughts. However, the wisdom of ancient traditions like Buddhism offers a simple and effective way to regain control of our minds and connect with the here and now – the breath.

The Witnessing Presence

In our quest for personal growth and self-awareness, Mahoney emphasizes the importance of returning to the breath as a constant anchor. When our thoughts scatter, when we worry about our future, or when we become consumed by concerns, the breath becomes our refuge. By becoming aware of each inhalation and exhalation, we access a quiet stillness that exists at the beginning and end of every breath.

Witnessing Thoughts and Emotions

The practice of witnessing our breath serves as an effective tool for those who find it challenging to observe their thoughts and emotions objectively. Rather than getting caught up in the emotional turmoil of our internal narratives, we can take a step back and label our thoughts and feelings. By observing without judgment, we cultivate a state of non-attachment to these thoughts, an essential component of meditative traditions.

Breath as an Anchoring Point

Our breath becomes an ever-present anchor, a constant that allows us to be present in any situation. In the same way that some individuals use prayer beads as a meditation tool to center their attention, breath awareness offers a tangible and always accessible source of mindfulness. It helps to slow down our racing thoughts, enabling us to be fully present.

Cultivating Witnessing Presence

As we practice witnessing our breath, we also cultivate a witnessing presence. This state of awareness doesn't label experiences as good or bad, positive or negative – it embodies the essence of "don't know mind" or "beginner's mind" found in Buddhism. We can extend this awareness to our thoughts, allowing us to approach them with greater clarity and detachment.

Breath Awareness in Daily Life

If you find it challenging to incorporate breath awareness into your daily life, consider integrating it into your meditation practice. Set aside dedicated time for silent meditation, with the primary aim of witnessing your breath. When your mind wanders, it's not a failure – it's part of the process. Even a single minute of breath awareness during a 20-minute meditation is valuable.

The Direct Experience of Truth

By observing your breath, you tap into something real and tangible, allowing you to experience the truth directly. It's a truth that's always present, always solid – your life, the life energy that animates you and the world around you. You can let go of the restless energy of your mind, the constant search for solidity through thought, and simply be present with your breath.

Using Your Thinking Mind

The key is not to abandon your thinking mind but to use it wisely. Don't let your thinking mind control you. Rather, harness its power to enhance your awareness and understanding.

As Thich Nhat Hanh suggests in his book "Peace in Every Breath,"

mindful breathing is like a seatbelt for everyday life. It keeps you safe in the present moment, helping you weather the turbulence of modern existence.

Transcript:

The breath is a powerful bridge connecting life to consciousness, and through it, we can unite our body with our thoughts. By consistently returning to our breath, we can achieve a profound witnessing presence, enhancing our awareness and embracing the richness of the present moment. So, take a deep breath, be present, and discover the transformative power of the breath in your own life.

00:00

Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again.

00:18

Welcome to the Imperfect Buddhist, where we discuss present moment awareness and incorporating Zen principles into modern life. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney. And today's episode is titled Buddhism and the Breath. We're not talking about stinky breath. We're not talking about proper breathing while we're running. We're talking about tuning into our breath as a way to

00:47

using the breath to train our awareness in what's known in some circles as the witnessing presence.

01:04

Working on the Imperfect Buddhist lately, really putting in a lot of energy. I've been looking for ways to deepen my own practice so that I'm walking the walk instead of just talking because podcasts are mostly talk. One of the ways I've been doing this is trying to come back to my breath as often as possible. When I notice I'm getting off in the future about how am I going to support myself as a podcaster? How am I going to pay my bills?

01:34

come back to my breath. And I start thinking about how am I gonna monetize this podcast? Are people really gonna wanna subscribe to some content? How am I gonna pay my bills? I come back to my breath. When I start worrying about where's my wife? I haven't heard from her in a couple hours. Is she cheating on me? I come back to my breath. And coming back to my breath, aware of my inhalation, my exhalation, and the spaces in between those two movements.

02:04

A quietness, a stillness that exists at the bottom and the top of every breath.

02:10

Let's talk about using the breath as an anchor to the present moment, as something that's always available to us, no matter where we are. Sometimes in Buddhist or mindfulness circles, people talk about becoming aware of our thoughts. Like, just take a step back and witness your thoughts as if you're a third person. Don't judge, don't add any extra thinking. Just witness those thoughts, those energy patterns, maybe even name them. And the example of me...

02:40

having these fearful thoughts, I would take a step back and say jealousy or fear or abandonment issues. You can do those with a very non-judgmental labeling, but that can be hard for a lot of people. Telling people, hey, witness your thoughts and your emotions from a witnessing presence and don't get too attached to them. That's easy to say, but for a lot of people, they don't really understand what that means and there's so much emotional energy involved in their thoughts.

03:07

that it's a huge thing to overcome, especially when you're first starting in meditative traditions. The breath is such a beautiful refuge for people that are on this path of awareness.

03:26

So we witness our breath and as thoughts come in and they start to try to pull us out of the moment, pull us into the future, into the past with fears or dreams of the future or hopes for the future or resentments from our past or worry about what this person is thinking about us or how we're doing in our job. We just come back to the sensation of breathing and we experience the miracle of letting go. In the Bible, there's a quote,

03:56

I'm talking about the miracle of letting go. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air. They do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them.

04:20

The breath becomes our anchoring point. We can use the breath as something that we can come back to. Breath is a brilliant tool for this as it's not good or bad, negative or positive. It's a really easy thing to be with and use as a source of awareness that will bring our attention to the present moment. Maybe you've seen some people in religious communities carry around these mala beads and they hold a bead and some of them will say a prayer. Some of them will actually just feel the bead.

04:49

sensation of the bead in their hand and then they pull the beads through their fingers. This is used as a meditation that ties the awareness back to the present moment. If it's used for prayer then it's used to center that attention on the prayer through some type of physical means. And in a lot of ways, breath awareness is the same thing. It's a sensation that's always happening that is inside of us that allows us to cultivate present moment awareness, to slow down our

05:18

obsessive thinking minds and be present.

05:24

Another blessing of our breath, another benefit in practice through breath awareness, and we actually cultivate our witnessing presence as well, which is the power to be with experiences, thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, physical environment with a state of awareness that neither judges good or bad, positive or negative, does not label. In Buddhism it's called don't know mind.

05:53

or beginner's mind, a state of mind that doesn't come to situation, emotions, thoughts, physical sensations with any type of preconceived beliefs or notions about the experience. So breath awareness, simply witnessing our breath and watching what happens, seeing how long we can actually be present with the breath develops this witnessing presence. So we can take this same awareness to our minds when the thought comes up.

06:22

of my wife. Where is she? What is she doing? Maybe she's cheating on me. I have a little bit of a witnessing presence there. I can see what's happening, notice what's happening in my body, and it gives me a little bit of room to see a little bit of the bigger picture. It gives me a little bit of space around it so that it's not an all-encompassing nightmare of fear and absurd behavior.

06:53

If you find it too hard to tune into your breath and daily life while you're driving or having a conversation with somebody, you may want to incorporate breath awareness into your meditations. Have the aim of your attention while sitting in zazen or doing a silent meditation to be present with your breath and to witness it. When you set aside time and go to a quiet room, set up a chair or a cushion and sit down, start a timer for 10 or 20 minutes.

07:22

With the aim of trying to witness your breath and be with the sensation of breathing. And as your mind wanders away, you bring it back. That the mind wanders, that's part of the practice and it's not a failure. It's never a failure. Even one minute of breath awareness while sitting in meditation for 20 minutes is beneficial.

07:46

If we get lost in judging ourselves for how well we do the practice, then we've lost the point of this. The point is to slow down the narrating mind. The point is to slow down the labeling mind, the planning mind, and to contact something real, something tangible. So many people are looking for truth in life and a lot of people aren't finding it or they...

08:14

think they find it and they have to convince themselves with all sorts of convincing and thinking in their minds. But the direct experience won't need any convincing once you've experienced truth firsthand. You realize you can let go of the fluttering energy in your mind. Let go of the goal of trying to find something solid through thinking. And you can experience something that is always present, always solid, which is your life.

08:44

which is the life energy that animates your body and the bodies of everybody around you, and the trees and the flowers and the birds and the bees, the wind, the dirt, it's all alive and it's all proclaiming a truth that is waiting for you to see it, tap into it and be present with it. And all this can be yours if you just pay attention to your breath.

09:10

not that I'm suggesting that we don't ever use our thinking minds. Actually, I'm suggesting that we do use our thinking minds. But what the suggestion is here is that we don't let our thinking minds use us.

09:26

One more quote from Thich Nhat Hanh. He wrote a whole book on breathing. Can you believe it? It's called Peace and Every Breath. He says, it's like when you're flying in an airplane. Whenever severe turbulence comes along, the seatbelt keeps you from getting thrown around the cabin. Mindful breathing is your seatbelt in everyday life. It keeps you safe here in the present moment. If you know how to breathe, how to sit calmly and quietly, how to do walking meditation, then you have your seatbelt.

09:56

and you're always safe.

10:05

Thank you so much for taking this time to hang out with me a little bit. If you enjoyed this episode or any of the other episodes that I've done, please consider hitting the like button or subscribing to my podcast. And I'd love to hear from you in the comments section. I hope you have a wonderful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

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