The intentional leader podcast

Laura Richard is the author of Married to a Nice Guy and a speaker who specialises in narcissistic abuse. In this episode she shares how her religious education contributed to staying in a toxic marriage.

Laura is the host of the That's Where I'm at Podcast and in the recent episodes, her guests have talked a lot about religious abuse and she believes the two are connected. Her podcast initially talked about the things that are not talked about, and it gradually became more centered around narcissistic abuse. The more she interviews guests on the topic, the more Laura feels she deepens her understanding of the topic.

The most important first step when you leave a marriage to a narcissist is to have your experience validated. Often times, people who have not been through it do not understand. They might ask, for example, why did you not leave him? Why did you put up with all of it. One of the reasons is that it is a very gradual process at the start. You don't see it coming until it's too late. Either they know something about that you are ashamed of and threaten to tell everyone, or they create so much fear in the relationship that you are paralysed.

Laura was raised as a Catholic, left the church at 15 then joined some Christian churches when she married but she is now deconstructing religion. In her view, the worse thing about it is the manipulation which then leads to further manipulation by men in relationship because it's based on patriarchy and oppressive. And you are afraid that if you leave, God will be angry at you. Laura sees a similar pattern in abusive marriages. There is a lot of mental dishonesty, but you can't see it because you have been raised in it. That's something that struck Laura when she was a child, how people would say one thing in Church and do almost the exact opposite after they left mass.

Laura remembers that even though her mother was a devout Catholic, when the time came for her funeral, the Catholic Church refused to do a service because she had been cremated and wanted her ashes scattered. Not only that, they told her and her sister that their mother was going to the purgatory for not wanting to be buried like other people. It was very painful.

Laura was married for thirty-two years and she wonders if her faith did not keep her longer than she needed to be in her marriage. The bible group she attended encouraged her to pray for her marriage and for her to be a better wife. It seemed that saving the marriage was more important than Laura's wellbeing, and even safety. She was encouraged to be a better person as if that would solve the marriage's problems, when in reality it was her husband that was the problem. She remembers how she was told that God hates divorce, so the pressure was on her to make it work, to stick it out. The reality is that it keeps women in toxic marriages longer than needed. And often times, women are being gaslit at the pulpit.

In this episode we do something a bit different and explore the American TV series called the Good Place to extract from it seven spiritual lessons. At the start of the episode, I describe the premise of the show, without revealing the plot twist that comes at the end of the first season. If you have not watched it, I highly encourage you to do so.

I refer back to EP 28 which answers the question of whether it is spiritual to help other people.

Here are what I consider the seven spiritual lessons of the Good Place are:

1. Life is complex and it is actually fairly hard to decide if a decision is good or bad

2. Lying is not always morally wrong

3. If you do good with an ulterior motive, it defeats the point

4. You don't need to go to a monastery in Tibet in order to become enlightened

5. We all have free will

6. Every day it gets harder to be a good person

7. We all need a purpose in life.

Death and dying was a taboo when I grew up, which in a way encouraged me to want to talk about it even more. I purchased many books on the topic, especially Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' books which I found very enlightening. She offered a model for the journey that people who are faced with death go on that comprises five phases.

* denial * anger * bargaining * depression * acceptance

This was never meant to be a rigid model but more of an observation of what the majority of people went through. It is incredibly useful to normalise but also to support people going through this journey. I think since her seminal work, others have taken her model and expanded on it, especially for those who stay behind, i.e. the loved ones of people who die. They are likely to go through a very similar cycle though in my limited experience, people tend to stay stuck in the denial phase almost until the end.

What is really important to understand and I have discussed this in previous episodes, is that the person who is dying must be at the centre of a circle where no one is allowed to offload onto them. Offloading is only allowed outwards. So if you imagine a circle where the dying person is in the centre, then you have their loved ones, then maybe their friends and relatives, then their colleagues, if they have any or their acquaintances and last professionals involved. It is unethical for anyone to offload how they feel inward in the circle. This is what has been called the Ring Theory. The idea was born out of the frustration of a woman who lived in cancer and who had one of her colleagues tell her how upset she was about it. I hope you can see this was adding a burden onto the woman living with cancer that she could have well done without.

The other idea I explore on the podcast is that our departed loved ones care probably a lot less about their funeral arrangements and you attending the funeral than you think they do. If, for any reason, you are unable to go to someone's funeral or you don't want to go, let go of the guilt and know you can create your own ritual.

The last thing I wanted to talk about is whether we need to let our loved ones in heaven "rest in peace".

I also encourage you to listen to EP 23 about signs, as your loved ones often communicate with you through these and I would love for you to know how to interpret those signs.

This episode was inspired by Kyle Gray's new book, The Angels Are With You now. After I listened to the audiobook of it, I had an impulse to go to a Leisure Centre to return some equipment last Sunday. Unknown to me, there was a Mind Body Spirit Fayre held at that Leisure centre at the precise time I turned up.

I saw a gorgeous piece of selenite with angel wings carved on it, which was a definite sign that angels were with me, especially since I had spotted two car plates on the way with 444 and 777 on them respectively. As I walked around the Fayre, I came across a tarot deck stand and there, on the table, was one of Kyke Gray's decks. I decided to buy it becasue I had a chance to look at it. I had purchased one of Kyle's decks six months ago and had to return it as I did not like it at all. I welcomed the opportunity to be able to see the cards for myself before I gifted myself that deck.

Looking back I think it was also the angels' way of buying myself a gift as a reward to having finished the mamouth task of editing my second memoir, Spiritual Lawyer.

There are five ways that we separate ourselves from the help that angels can give us.

1. Believing that our problems are not as important to the angels as the problems of other people
2. Believing that if we ask for help from angels we are somehow depriving people who need the help more than we do
3. Focusing too much on seeing angels and believing there is something wrong with us if we can't
4. Obsessing over finding out what the name of our guardian angel is
5. Believing that we are not good enough to speak to angels directly

Listen to the episode to hear about this in more details.

Carl Honore is an award-winning writer, broadcaster and TED speaker, Ageism Disruptor and voice of the global Slow Movement. His latest book is called Bolder. And I am really pleased to have had him on the podcast.

If you have been on your spiritual path for any length of time, you would have heard invitations to slow down, so I thought it would be good to have Carl on the podcast as the expert on the topic.

Carl's journey started as a stressed father who was always rushing. Every day was a race against the clock and I think a lot of us can relate to this. One day as he was trying to rush through the bedtime story he was reading to his son, he took stock and realised that it had gone too far. This set him on a course to understand our relationship with time. As the journalist that he is, this took him around the world, as he explored the different ways cultures approach time.

The Western world has a capitalistic relationship with time. Everything revolves around the clock. We believe that time is money. So slowing down is costing us.

Carl talks about reconeccting to his inner tortoise, which I find very endearing but which also reminds me of Grand Master Oogway in Kun Fu Panda.

During our discussion, I think Carl and I were able to recognise that the moment he took stock of what he was doing, in terms of rushing fatherhood, was an awakening moment of some sort. He had another one that led to another book called Bolder, that I am reading at the moment and finding enlightening.

Even though Carl identifies as agnostic, he is open to the idea that life has a spiritual dimension and he is definitely on a quest to find answers. Carl can be found on his website and on LinkedIn. You can subscribe to his substack account with this link. To watch his TEDtalk on the power of slow, click here. To watch his TEDTalk on ageing, click here.

When I started on my spiritual paths, I admired people who had spiritual gifts such a clairvoyance, healing powers or who could do remote viewing. I assumed that people who had those gifts were more spiritually advanced than I was, but I have since realised that this is not true. The pursuit of spiritual gifts such as described in the Autobiography of a Yogi can actually be a distraction on our spiritual path. if they blossom, good, but if they don't, that doesn't mean anything about us.

In today's episode, we are going to talk about the ethical side of spiritual gifts and why that is incredibly important.

I have been reading the Ethical Psychic by Jennifer Lisa Vest, who has both an academic view point from her background as a professor of philosophy and the practical view point of a practitioner of various modalities such as shamanism, reiki, medical intuition, reading the akashic records and more. I do recommend reading her book whether you have psychic gifts or are seeking the guidance of someone who has.

Just because someone can do something doesn't mean that they should. And that is the starting point of this discussion. Discernment, boundaries and ethics are paramount because I believe that psychic gifts can actually be harmful be they not used appropriately. This is the reason I was actually quite reluctant to use mine. I was afraid of doing harm and leaving people worse off, especially with my tarot readings.

People who seek the guidance or help of people with psychic gifts are often vulnerable. Some also need mental health support that they might not be willing to seek out for whatever reason, so it is our responsibility to recognise that and encourage our clients to go to counselling or seek professional help when they need it.

I have a couple of rules that I stick to. I do not read for kids. I do not read people without their permission. I only work with clients who are perfectly aligned to what I offer. I set my intention that the information and guidance that I share is always, to the best of my ability, useful, uplifting and inspiring. And I never use my gifts for entertainment.

Of course a huge part of being ethical as a psychic is to refrain from cultural appropriation which is something I explored in last week's episode.

I am doing a proper episode on cultural appropriation because I have come across a couple of spiritual influencer in the UK that have recommended "sageing" as a practice to cleanse one's aura and I am annoyed that this is still happening, more than twenty years after I embraced my spiritual journey. It seems that nothing has changed.

Maya Angelou says: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." But I feel that in this context, we need to know better. The excuse of not knowing is no longer valid.

What is cultural appropriation? I refer to the definition from Wikipedia: "The adoption of an element or elements of one culture or identity by members of another culture in a manner perceived as inappropriate or unacknowledged." It is particularly controversial when done by members of a dominant culture.

If you are part of the dominant race of a country that has colonialist roots: be incredibly careful of what you do. You are in the hot seat. But this also applies to minorities in your country so for people in the UK: the Roma people and people who practice Wicca.

It also ties into the commercial exploitation of that culture, be it religion, tradition, customs, dance steps, fashion, symbols, language, history or music.

Cultural appropriation is harmful. In doubt, don't do it.

In the episode I talk in particular about the use of white safe to cleanse energy. But there are hundreds of other examples, not all linked to spirituality. Using the word "chakra", turning yoga into a workout, medicine wheels, use of Chinese characters or Celtic symbols as tattoos, sweat lodges, vision quests, ayahuasca ceremonies, cacao ceremonies, kahuna magic, spells, feng shui, qi gong, tai chi, evil eye, hamsa, dreadlocks, and so much more.

Cultural appropriation is intimately linked to colonisation and oppression of marginalised groups. It fuels inequality, social injustice and racism.

Have you heard the expression Karma is a bitch? Karma has been used in the West as this concept of divine justice and in this episode, I wanted to highlight first how we are white washing the concept but also how there is a bit of cultural appropriation that is happening here that we have to be very careful of.

Karma is defined by the sum of a person's actions in this life and in previous states of existence viewed as deciding their fate in future existences. It has been interpreted as good or bad luck. There are three concepts attached to this which I explore in the episode: fate, punishment and revenge. I will get revenge out of the way: God is not revengeful and the loss of your child is not some punishment because you didn't attend mass regularly. I hope no one has ever told you that, and if they have, you must not believe them.

Fate is the idea that events outside of our control are predetermined by a supernatural power. The concept comes from the Greek and Roman mythology and is illustrated beautifully in the TV series Kaos, which I highly recommend you watch. In order to avoid cultural appropriation, let's focus on that concept rather than karma. Fatalism is the frame of mind where everything is predetermined and inevitable and it leads to passivity. I don't recommend it. I give an example of how having a psychic reading can actually lead to that and backfire.

I mentioned the akashic records in the episode because it enables us to see into the bigger picture and realise that possibly some events are predetermined by us before we are born, but once on Earth, free will reins and we can do what we damn well want. Checkout episode 57 to learn more about the Akashic records if you haven't listen to it already.

Punishment is a concept that is used in many religions to motivate human beings to act decently. In the Christian tradition, we have Judgement Day and the Second Coming of the Christ where we will be judged and either saved or damned. If you go back to the episode I did on Near Death Experiencers (EP 66), you can find a simliar process called the Life Review but what happens during the life review is that you are made to experience how your thoughts, words and deeds impacted other people during your life on Earth by experiencing it through the eyes of the people on the receiving end. It's not used for judgment or punishment purposes but for education and betterment. That's a radically different energy.

When a lot of bad things happen to people, it's not karma. It's more likely to be that these people are old souls who have chosen bigger challenges for themselves because they are more interesting and you can learn more from them. I encourage you to listen to episodes 68 and 73 with baby soul communicator Lauren Dionysius as we tuned into the souls of children who have chosen particularly challenging lives. I also invite you to listen to EP 58 on why bad things happen to good people.

Karma is also sometimes associated with the law of attraction and I would like to refer back to episode 32 called the Gentle Art of Manifesting.

The short answer to today's episode title is no. Karma is not punishing you. So relax.

In this third and last episode of the series on baby souls with Lauren Dionysius, we connect with the soul of a child who has chosen to incarnate in an abusive home.

This episode was both incredibly hard to record, but also perhaps the most deeply touching of the series. It reveals how the child who came to talk to us knew exactly what they were signing up for, their resistance to coming into that life scenario and the reasons why they chose that life experience. This episode can also be used to make some sense of why souls might choose to incarnate in a location torn with conflict, as in a war zone.

This episode has been recorded to help people who have experienced abuse or trauma in their childhood and professionals who work with such children, or adults who have had these childhood experiences. It is not meant to sugar coat the reality of these situations, but it might soften the edges for people who are in contact with this topic, by helping separate the human experience from the soul experience.

Lauren beautifully explains that it is not possible to make peace with the experience of child abuse on a human level. And one of the reasons is that if we did, we would become complicit with it. It is not even desirable. This does not in any way moves us away from the notion of right and wrong. There is no compromise here. Abuse is wrong. Child abuse is wrong.

But personally, having been able to see the soul purpose of my childhood experiences has really brought me a level of peace and deep healing that I was never able to access before that. And I am hoping that this episode is going to be able to support those who are ready to access that level of understanding of child abuse to see it from a bigger perspective.

We do not advise that you listen to this at the early stages of your healing journey as there might be a tendency to bypass the healing process by finding a meaning too early in the process.

For those souls who choose these incredibly hard experiences, there is often a bigger purpose. But there is also so much learning on a personal level. There is an opportunity to rise from the experience, but there is no blame for the individuals who are not able to. Sometimes there is a more collective goal of making these experiences known to the bigger public. It brings the darkness of humanity into the light.

The biggest takeaway he has for us is to believe children who share their experiences and validate it, whilst obviously, calling in support for them. It is also very important for us to understand that the upset we feel at what with witness must not be shared with the person going through the abuse or trauma. We need to find people who are not involved in it, to support us. There is a theory called the Ring Theory that goes more in depth about this. I encourage you to read this article to educate yourself on how to be responsible with your own emotions when you encounter people who have been abused. Click here for the article on Wikipedia.

I encourage you to make sure that you are ready to listen to this interview as it contains difficult information.

Apparently our brain is geared towards beauty. It's in our genes. Scientists tell us that beauty actually reflects health and strong genes. Our instincts are focused towards the survival of our species through reproduction, and so the cult of beauty was born. When you are beautiful outwards, you are given such and advantage in life. From a spiritual point of view it does not make sense. But here we are. We live in a society where beautiful people get better grades for doing the same thing as their less beautiful counterparts. They get better paid. We assume their honesty. Mothers naturally give more attention to attractive babies. And the list goes on. Even juries are less likely to find attractive people guilty.

The brain is a beauty detector. We get a hit of dopamine by looking at a beautiful person. Is that why?

Outer beauty is not fair, but inner beauty can be worked on. It's an accomplishment.

In this context, I thought it even the more important to talk about inner beauty. I am being a bit selfish here, because it serves me to do that. It helps with my self worth because I don't see myself beautiful, but I know that having pursued self development for the best part of thirty years, I would probably win a contest a inner beauty.

Despite all that, I have seen women enter a room and command it, despite not being the prettiest in the room.

How do we cultivate that inner beauty. Inner beauty is the sum of good things that can be found in a person.

It stems from confidence, love, honesty, kindness, compassion, integrity, wisdom and loyalty. I talked about each of this aspects in more depth in the podcast episode.