Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

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Show Transcript:

Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th. In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments. In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot. Speaking of birds...   In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich." In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text. Speaking of phones... In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring. These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.