Topical Jokes about: Bill Maher saying the n-word, homelessness, in LA, trying to join ISIS, and the new Wonder Woman movie.

Hope you enjoy extremely deadpan delivery, because that's how I read jokes.

 

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for June 4th. The new "Wonder Woman" movie earned 100 million dollars in its opening weekend. "Wonder Woman" is such huge a hit that there's already talk of rebooting the franchise, with a male lead. In Los Angeles, the homeless population has jumped 23% since last year. Which is a surprising statistic, considering 99% of the people in Los Angeles, have never had a job. Bill Maher has been criticized for using the n-word in a TV interview. But in Bill Maher's defense: he's an out-of-touch douche. An Air Force veteran has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for trying to join ISIS. ISIS released a statement saying they'd reviewed the man's application, but they're moving ahead with another candidate. These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

Topical Jokes about: setting yourself on fire on Facebook Live, cutting off an employee's hand, snorting cocaine in England, and stealing Girl Scout cookies.

 

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 14th. In Kentucky, a woman was arrested after she stole fifteen thousand dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies -- which is about thirty boxes. In Pakistan, a 13 year old boy had his hand cut off by his boss when he demanded his overdue paycheck. To make sure he'd learned his lesson, the woman slapped the boy across the face -- with his own amputated hand.   In Tennessee, a man set himself on fire, and then ran into a bar. The bartender reached under the counter, and poured the man a kamikaze and a fireball. In England, people are complaining that the new 5 pound notes are cutting their noses when they snort cocaine. Because there's nothing worse than waking up from a cocaine overdose to find out that you're in jail, you've lost your job -- AND you have a papercut in your nose. These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

Topical jokes about: A Domino's driver winning a shootout, homeless people in San Francisco, skinny French models, and how nobody dies because they don't have health care.

Enjoy this deadpan comedy monologue in the style of SNL Weekend Update and Late Night with Seth Meyers. Subscribe to the Jokes for Today iTunes - http://goo.gl/kliwfi Android - http://goo.gl/noN9ZJ

 

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In Idaho, a Republican congressman was booed when he told a town hall that "nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare." He went on to say that nobody ever got pregnant from having sex, and drinking doesn't get you drunk. In Texas, an attempted robbery of a Domino's driver resulted in a gunfight, where the teenage driver shot and killed his attacker. The pizza delivery boy rushed to deliver the last pizza of the night, which was a large mushroom and pepperoni, covered in blood and brains.   In San Francisco, an organization has raised $100 million dollars to end homelessness. The $100 million will be spent on a fleet of stretch limos, to ship all the homeless people to Bakersfield. A new law in France has banned fashion models who are too skinny. The law is working great: now all those skinny French models are out of work, so they're going to starve to death.

Topical Jokes about: Sexually assaulting a chicken, the UK police disabling your phone, a parrot trained to give insults, a sleeping 911 dispatcher, and a priest that embezzled $500k.

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Good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight. These are the jokes for today for May 5th. In Philadelphia, a priest was caught stealing a half a million dollars from his church. Parishioners became suspicious when the priest gave a sermon about the 9 Commandments. In Italy, a woman was killed by her neighbor after she trained her parrot to insult him. Not only is the man in prison for life, but he's getting 10 phone calls a day, from the parrot. Speaking of birds...   In Oregon, a man was arrested for sexually assaulting a chicken. The man confessed that he'd sometimes have sex with two chickens at once, which he called "a chicken sandwich." In the UK, police can now remotely disable your phone, even if you're not a criminal. So now you have a new excuse for missing someone's text. Speaking of phones... In Ohio, an emergency dispatcher has been suspended after he was heard snoring during a 911 call. In his defense, the murder the caller was describing, was really boring. These were the jokes for today, and I, was Jonas Polsky.

Topical Jokes about: The Pope starting a laundromat, a politician appearing via hologram, suicide-proofing the Golden Gate bridge, and paying hospital bills in advance.

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Show Transcript:

In Rome, The Pope has opened a new laundromat for the poor. It's just like a regular laundromat, except after you wash your clothing, you hang it to dry on a crucifix.   Many US hospitals are now requiring patients to pay for their medical care BEFORE they receive treatment. In a related story, people with gushing head wounds have started robbing banks. In France, a politician is able to appear at several rallies at the same by, by projecting himself as a hologram. He's an honest politician, but voters see right through him. The Golden Gate Bridge is set to receive suicide barriers to prevent people from jumping to their death. Now, people who want to commit suicide will have to go back to lighting themselves on fire.   In Colorado, marijuana enthusiasts have founded the International Church of Cannabis. The founder said he was inspired to start the church after he saw a burning bush.

Topical Jokes about: shooting hibernating bears, high heels in the workplace, KFC using antibiotics, a dead bat in a salad, and shooting your son over walking the dog.

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Topical Jokes about: Ivanka Trump working at the White House, a man being eaten by a giant python, and a babysitter that overdosed on heroin.

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Topical Jokes about smuggling cocaine in bananas, breastfeeding, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump's bill for Angela Merkel.

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Topical jokes about Donald and Melania Trump, working at McDonald's for 44 years, and decapitated police in the Congo.

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Topical jokes about: toilet paper in China, burning down your house to kill ants, owing money when you die, and a Muppet with autism on Sesame Street.

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