I invite you to think of a habit you’d like to transform—either an old one you’d like to let go of or a new one you’d like to cultivate. A habit is any behavior we engage in semi-unconsciously, one that feels like it arises almost automatically or effortlessly within us.

For example, you might want to stretch your body after you wake up in the morning, breathe deeply when your child says something that activates you rather than screaming, close the computer at 5pm, or turn off the lights at an hour that supports you to wake up and stretch in the morning.

Over the years, many of my clients have wanted to develop a writing habit. They schedule time to write, sit down to do it, but sooner or later, they feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task and get pulled into distraction. They go down an internet rabbit hole, get lost in social media, or succumb to an urge to do something more straightforward like the laundry.

Whatever it is, most of us have something that we want to do but then repeatedly feel pulled to do anything else instead. For me, it’s exercise, as I find just about anything else more interesting.

Now, a question for you—

What do you think you need to do in order to change your habits?

Many people answer this question with the word discipline, which originally meant punishment for the sake of correction.

But, as you may have experienced, discipline doesn’t always work that well for changing habits, and a self-punishing approach can perpetuate other unhelpful habits like self-judgment and self-harm.

Today, I want to share with you a far more kind and effective approach:

Self-observation.

In the last episode, I shared how our habitual behaviors arise when our nervous systems detect a cue in our environments that prompts an activation cascade—a sequence of sensations, emotions, thoughts, and ultimately, behaviors. And, I explained how, when we pause, we interrupt the activation cascade and create an opportunity to choose a different response.

Unfortunately, we’re often unaware that we’re experiencing an activation cascade in the first place. And, without awareness, it’s almost impossible to pause and choose a different response..

Fortunately, when we practice paying attention to what happens when we’re activated, it becomes far easier to notice when we’re activated, pause, and choose a different response. That’s where self-observation comes in.

In The Power of Habit, Nathan Azrin, one of the developers of habit reversal training, states:

“It seems ridiculously simple, but once you’re aware of how your habit works, once you recognize the cues and rewards, you’re halfway to changing it.

It seems like it should be more complex. The truth is, the brain can be reprogrammed. You just have to be deliberate about it.”[1]

In other words, the more awareness, the more choice. The more awareness of our behaviors we cultivate, the easier it becomes to choose behaviors that serve us and the people we care about.

In my Presence-Based Coaching training years ago, I learned a self-observation practice that I’ve come to rely on to help my clients (and myself) choose new behaviors and cultivate new habits. Here’s the practice:

Choose a behavior that you’d like to change and are willing to spend a few minutes investigating each day. Then, dedicate a few minutes each day to reflecting on instances during that day when you engaged or didn’t engage in the behavior.

If it is a behavior you want to let go of, ask yourself these specific questions, which track each part of the activation cascade:

Did I feel a pull to engage in the behavior? If so, when?

What sensations and emotions did I feel in my body?

What thoughts did I think?

What did I do?

What happened as a result?

If you’re tracking a behavior you want to do more of, ask yourself: When did I have an opportunity to engage in this behavior today? And, what did I do then?

If you engaged in the behavior,