This week I deeply wallowed in heartbreak. I felt so heavy in my shoulders, yet empty near my diaphragm. Every time I took a bite of my sandwich, I could feel the tears arrive behind my eyes. I could feel my stomach drop a little more. I couldn’t lie or hide what I was going through. I felt betrayed. I let people hold me. I sobbed with my ass in the air. I wrote. I audio journaled. I moved. I cried. I moved in community (thank you for flowing with me last Monday 🦋) I watched the new Spider-Man, finally. I checked things off my bucket list. I went out dancing. I left my phone at home. I drank wine on a boat during sunset. I read three books. I stared at a manta ray for an hour. I cried watching a baby seahorse wrap its tail around coral. I asked the ocean to knock the wind out of me so I could breathe again.
I sat with this episode for a few days because I was unsure if I wanted to share this recording that I did hungover, tired, dehydrated, and right after work in my car. Is it good enough to share? Will it disrupt your day if you hear me like this? Is this episode rooted in care?
I record each episode in one take without a script and no edits. I do this because I have waited years to share what’s on my heart because I always thought I needed more structure, more experience, more practice, more guidance. More. More. More.
This past January I told a friend of mine about all of my ideas I’ve stored deep inside of me. I felt my whole body come alive as they listened and cared and asked questions to learn more about my dreams. Dreams that have now become yearnings I can no longer hide or remain too afraid to share.
After I told them about this project that visits me every time I close my eyes, they asked me, “Why don’t you just start sharing now? Like, just drop some s**t.” And it literally had NEVER occurred to me that I could share before it felt ready. At this rate, it was unlikely *ready* would ever arrive.
So, that’s what these readings are all about. Why I’ve given myself these guidelines to follow. Not to impress you, but to invite you. To listen to those callings, to share your dreams with your friends, and to offer what you can, when you can, even when it feels like it’s not even close to being ready.
I have exciting news to share: You can now read the lavender orange in the new Substack app for iPhone.
With the app, you’ll have a dedicated Inbox for my Substack and any others you subscribe to. New posts will never get lost in your email filters, or stuck in spam. Longer posts will never cut-off by your email app. Comments and rich media will all work seamlessly. Overall, it’s a big upgrade to the reading experience.
The Substack app is currently available for iOS. If you don’t have an Apple device, you can join the Android waitlist here.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thelavenderorange.substack.com
