I know what we should call ourselves.
Okay, genius—what is it you think we should go by?
[Lightning strikes in the background— SETH runs away to hide under some furniture as the other boys begin to laugh—!
Don't laugh! I hate thunder!
WHO THE FUCK AM I MISSING
That's a good name, I think.
You know what, you're right!
That's perfect! We'll call ourselves— strike force five!
thunder and lightning strike at the same time.
JOHNNY CARSON parks his DeLorean on the curb (read: sidewalk)
FUCK! Did I forget Steve Allen?
wtf am I gonna do with Steve Allen?!
You're not a feminist, are you?!
Oh GOD, WE'RE GONNA CRASH AND DIE.
I'm immortal, I'll just be—burps—reborn!
YEAH, but you were drunk FIRST.
OH GOD, FUCK IT, I'll drive!
You have arrived at your destination.
I forgot I had autopilot enabled.
Who sent them out for coffee?
Wow. NBC and Coca Cola, huh. Nice wager.
Whatever, I still haven't been paid yet.
Aha. Caught ya red handed!
Let's drop a house on this hoe.
Idk? Make it like a duplex?
Just make sure she end up under that hoe.
[a house drops on the wicked witch of the west.
I'm pretty sure it was the west
They dropped a house on my ass.
Ah, damn. Is that where we at?
For sure, dis a whole ass house up in here.
[the witch is barefooted]
Yo ruby slippers is gone, bruh!
Fuck them Ruby slippers, man! I got a house!
I own property in this BITCH.
Fo sho— where we at, tho?
PANORAMIC VIEW OF LOS ANGELES.
You're not green anymore!
It was just a skin condition I picked up
All that broomstick flyin around
Alllllrrrriiiiiiiigghhhhhjt.
[THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST HOSTS A HOUSE PARTY IN THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS]
Who the fuck is this fool?
I don't know what day it is;
We've been playing games forever
Nothing changes, names or weather
Two fifteens, two fifteens
I don't want to mean to mean you
Didn't mean to be mean, but I meant what I said
South, till the sun comes out again
South, East these days it ain't easy to forget you
Dreaming of the west coast
What's the dose for lost love?
I might never know how to take it;
A double wide, for the shoe that fits
Double down on your thoughts
Two tens used to take me somewhere,
Now I fly south for the winter
Knowing I might never come home
It could be a targeted attack from the whites.
that's fair, but still it might help.
It will help, but only temporarily.
Please never say those two words next to each other ever again.
I don't see any difference either way,
No dissalusion, just indirection, in fact
I've lost the infection and the undertones in my own dissonance, and everything seems distant
Establishing dependence in intellogstions,
I'd be gracious if you presented this
Impending tragedy, rather as a…
I thought you were my best friend
I thought you were a bottle of my favorite elixir
Dear, it doesn't make any different at all
It doesn't make any difference at all
Put the spokes on the back wheel,
Just so everything is real
Indifference in a nutshell is
Irreverence and irrelevance
If all the good girls are in it,
Somehow lost focus, reworked for greatness and
I just realized I can't do this anymore
[mattress flying through the air]
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo—
This is a house of cards;
You know it's a house of cards, right?
This is a house of cards;
I know it's a house of cards, right?
This is my house of cards;
I know it's a house of cards, right.
I'm a walking pile of words.
Two Jews walk into a bar.
—the problem is when they walked in, it was the 1930's.
NEW YORK CITY. MODERN DAY.
Some people go around the back for it
Geniuses ride around in private cars;
Some people go around the back for it.
Some people come around the back for it
Paid an arm and a leg for it
it's not hard to know you're on a recorded line
How does it feel to fall in love
And be loved back
I wouldn't know,
Sure at the show in a soft swung hammock,
Of course, the girl doesn't want it at all
she'll get along well off with another one
(for the other's it's once in a lifetime, if one.)
The elderly woman leans in over her shouldernat the elderly man.
All nonsense; my cap or my crown?
Have ye the strength to bare either?
He dawns the jokers court cap, and in contrast to his robes .
A shadow, soon to vanish—
And then, another figure, not parted
Please don't do this tonight.
If not tonight I don't know when.
Whenever else! But not now!
EXT. TOM'S RESTAURANT. MANHATTAN. DAY.
It is a grey but not dreary day, overcast however with the silverline clouds of an otherwise beautiful sunlit day.
It's shining like three seeds of pomegranate in my hand—
A desolate desert beach amidst a sandstorm, the sun beams down through the barrage of inescapable flying white pellets of sand.
All I want to see if your body
Clasp to nothing but perhaps,
Warm and clean, crisp and fresh linen
A feast for the starving;
If we made love in the library,
Any open book would be of you thereafter—
And to give me a guitar would mean,
That every note would sing your name.
Just then, the Peloton beckoned, or the cleats, anyway, although the bath I'd run just the night before was still full, stone cold by now and just as well the coffee in my tumbler was luke warm, but I had cried myself an entire river the night before, and I was sure the pouting might have even sent me to a seperate dimension. I was being such a baby—and I had never been so upset to have actually gotten what I wanted. The handsome man was a distraction— a welcome one. I didn't want to ask his age, but I knew he was older than me, and he was beautiful. I didn't want to scare him away, but to be honest with myself or anything else, this was the first one I might have wanted in a long time—the first real one, anyway, or, somewhat real. Closer to normal along the spectrum, not some famous celebrity or a delusion of grandeur, but seemingly normal, smart, and handsome.
Remember my imaginary friend RiffRaff?
Even more odd: look at this.
It fees too close to home;
God knows I don't belong here—
It hits too close to home
You just don't know the half of it
You just don't know the art
WHO is responsible for this?
Nobody moves a muscle, not an inch. Not even wince or a blink, not a breath at all in the room, until—
SETH MEYERS let's out a deeply exasperated sigh of concern and beffudlement.
GODDAMIT! What is it with you people!
What people? I'm not people.
—and why does everyone secretly smoke?
Oh come on. It's common knowledge.
What's “common knowledge”?
And you, are about to be decapitated.
The man hanging from a singular kite in what appears to be midair with nothing and no one around in sight across a clear blue sky lets out a light sigh, as if to say..:
There's really nothing that can be done about this.
Red tape. Red tape everywhere!
Well, it's settled then. I'll just—
Go ahead, right this way.
You know—you're right. I am the network.
Ah, Christ, we gotta get out of here.
One of the two, and either way.
Haven't figured it out yet.
TINA FEYA is a special detective at the head of an elite task force designed to investigate distinctly extraordinary cases; the detective takes a long draw from a cigarette
Ew, barf. I'm not doing that.
No, your character is doing it.
I don't think my character would smoke.
Because she has my name, and I don't smoke!
Quadadimentional TINA FEY shoots pool and tosses back cold glass bottles of craft beer.
I understand we can't be in the same room together.
AREA 51. HOLDING CELL. DAY
Ooh. Is this the part where?
I TOLD YOU. I'M NOT DOIN THE TONIGHT SHOW.
YOU'RE DOIN THE TONIGHT SHOW— YOU KNOW WHY?
Oh, well, since you said so.
GIVE ME BACK MY BODY, YOU FIEND.
COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT, INC. circa 2018- 2024 | ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. The Complex Collective ©
Then I showed up on the south side
Said I was retired but I still ride
When I'm in the valley it's g5
Old school soul, it's a G vibe
