MC 031: What’s in your Playbook?
Summary: In this episode of the Marriage Code podcast, Benji and Phillip continue the conversation of “What if you had only 30-days to save your marriage?” and finish explaining their 30-day plans.
In this episode:
Benji’s 30-Day Plan
Week 1: re-Discovery
* Day 1: Get a notebook and a yellow pad (yellow notepad that tears off across the top)
* Day 2-3: Get my head straight
* I will think about (to the best of my memory) and write down in the notebook the following:
* When I met my wife and what she looked like and why I wanted to date her
* Our first date and my impressions
* Our first kiss
* What we discussed imaging our future together would look like
* Why I chose her to be my wife
* Write my Vision. In my notebook, I will write what I want our marriage to be. I will close my eyes and see a video in my head of what Christmas morning 20 years from now will look like. Then I will write my Vision ( a page or more in length) and I will include details such as:
* What house are we living in?
* How many children do we have and what ages?
* What will we be doing?
* What is our financial standing? How much money do we have in the bank? Is our house paid off? Are we out of debt?
* Are our older children dating or married? Grandchildren?
* How we act toward each other? How long are our kisses? How often do I hold her hand? Are we respectful to each other? Are there any arguments?
* What kinds of things to I do for my wife to show her how much I love her?
* What tender things does she do for me?
* Write my Marriage Declaration. I will write a few sentences that can be memorized and recited that will be meaningful to me and energizing. Such as: “I am a happily married man because I choose to be the kind of man my wife has always dreamed of. I am a man of vision who has the power to change. I trust myself to be a man of patience and it is safe for me to accept responsibility. I can do hard things!”
* Day 4-5: Get my heart straight
* Unload all my frustrations about my wife onto paper (using the yellow pad) – feeling each frustration as I do so – then I burn that piece of paper. Repeat as necessary.
* Take a walk by myself, speaking (vocalizing) all my frustrations about my wife all along the way, then walk back while verbalizing everything about my wife that I am grateful for.
* Forgive myself for the part I played in our relationship strife and give myself permission to move forward
* Forgive my wife for all the hurt she has done to me
* Day 6: Prepare for a ½ Relationship Inventory and rest
* I read my written Vision 2-3 times
* I recite my declarations (audibly where possible) 10 times
* I go to bed early and get some extra sleep
* Day 7: ½ Relationship Inventory
* I tell my wife that I was wrong, that I’m sorry, and ask her if we may speak privately so I can get her input on what I must change.
* I again apologize (either for specifics I know about, or for not paying attention enough to know) then I begin a ½ Relationship Inventory
* I ask her what things I am doing that she would rather I don’t, or anything I am not doing currently that she would rather I start doing
* I write down everything she says and I use Active Listening to verify to both of us that I understand what she is saying
* I create a plan to work on those items she listed by asking follow-up questions to narrow down to the root of the issue.
* Example: “You’re never here.”
* Okay, would it be more helpful if I re-arranged my work schedule to be home sooner?
* “No, because even when you’re here, you’re not here!”
