July 09, 2025

The Meanness Test - Ep. 410

4 minutes

The Meanness Test

Helps you gauge your threshold for emotional unrest.

What would it take for you to turn Mean?

How far must you be pushed to fully vent your spleen?

[entire text below]

Ep. 410 - The Meanness Test

We begin as always

with the Happy Creed.

We believe in Happy,

in Balance and Growth,

of being Mindful and Grateful,

Compassionate and Understanding.

Yowza

Haha

My Happy Friends!

Would you like to take the Meanness Test?

It can help you gauge your threshold for emotional unrest.

You just ask yourself what it would take for you to turn Mean?

How far must you be pushed to fully vent your spleen?

With some people, all it takes is a Monday morning,

With others, someone would have to burn their house down,

What’s it for you? What can cause you to rage out with little to no warning?

And make your inner vengeance monster escape, and go to town?

Let’s test it, shall we?

Not for real, but just to see.

Let’s say you drive up to a four-way stop and it’s just you and one other car,

You got there first, so you have the right of way, but they take it away from you.

Do you lean on the horn? Do you race after them and tailgate or follow from afar?

Do you internalize their actions and let them decide what you do?

Or, let’s try this--you get to work early in order to get a jump on the day,

And someone chooses that moment to grind their coffee beans nearby,

The sound is so loud it sends all your thoughts into wild disarray,

So, do you start plotting their downfall, or just shrug your shoulders, smile and sigh?

Or how ‘bout this one? You’re pulling into a parking space, but you’re off center,

So, you back up a tad to re-do it and get blasted by someone leaning on their car horn!

You get out and come face to face with some abusive, screaming tormentor,

Do you listen quietly or do you wish someone would’ve kept him from ever being born?

Still feeling good? Or are you starting to crack?

Do you regret agreeing to this test? And wish you could take it back?

Hey, you can stop at any time, but you’ll miss the lesson if you do,

Because I am only citing examples that happened to me, in order to help you.

Here’s the capper. You come back early from your lunch break and are met by your boss,

He proceeds to berate you at the top of his lungs about something he blames you for,

And the kicker is, you didn’t even do it, so it leaves you at an utter and absolute loss,

So, do you fire back? Do you read him the riot act and bang his fat head against the door?

You want to know what I did?

I did not act Mean--heaven forbid!

Sure, I felt the unease,

But this is about Happy, so, please!

With the stop sign runner, I laughed and said “go get it, son!”

With the coffee bean grinder, I filmed myself reacting to all that fun!

With the parking lot yeller, I wrote down his license plate while I smiled,

And with that toxic boss, I talked to him calmly for an hour until he was no longer riled.

Having a sense of humor and the heart of a storyteller keeps me focused on the tale,

‘Cause it’s only when I take things too seriously that I start to crumble and fail.

I’ve laughed off punches, and insults, and bullies galore,

I’ve even helped others find the funny where they couldn’t before.

That’s my secret, that’s my trick, when someone makes me mad, I make a joke,

It helps me release all the fury before I suffer a Meanness stroke.

I want to stay Nice and I want to stay calm, it’s how I want to be, and what I want to do,

And why I drew a cartoon of someone being pushed off a cliff with the words “Okay, fine. Now I forgive you.”

Haha

Yowza

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By Geoffrey Bennett Ulrich

22 ratings