During a 9:00 PM Friday walk, I reflect on my relationship with “the professor,” whom I met on a bike ride about a year ago. Since we met, I’ve also learned about his borderline personality disorder. His outbursts have escalated from monthly to weekly. As the episodes become more frequent, they've grown in intensity as well, and often feel like he's trying to pull me into his pain. It's awakened something within myself that I've never known before. After a particularly severe day, I realize there is nothing I can say or do to help during these breakdowns. But I do find familiarity in the professor's extreme mental anguish with my own grief and loss, and in that, I find hope.

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While walking the dog, I share a quick update: the tarot cards I left in a little library were taken within about 18 hours, which I see as a small but meaningful exchange. I talk about the sudden death of my 56-year-old cousin from a stroke, and how it has made me think about grief, aging, and the loss of someone who shared so much of my history. Those memories now gone with her.

My cousin was a middle-school math teacher. Probably one of the funniest people I have ever met. Her parents died when she was young. By the time she graduated from high school, she had already experienced significant tragedy in her life.

I remember visiting her in Colorado, a trip that ultimately inspired my own move west. I drove cross-country, and the years that followed were filled with adventures we shared; we adopted dogs, we went camping, we went skiing, we went horseback riding, and we dated boys, lots of boys.

I find myself thinking about why some people are able to change unhealthy patterns while others never quite “find the why.” Why do we make the choices we make? Why do we build the lives we build? I miss my cousin. Yesterday was her birthday.

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Life has changed for my doggo and me. My cute pup, who is now 11 years old, has been dealing with weakening hips that make running painful. To adjust, we've traded in our old routines of long romps in open fields for more gentle strolls around the neighborhood block. These walks were initially a necessity, but they have quickly become cherished moments.

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After an uncomfortable Easter visit with “the professor,” Beatrix leaves early following a fight about working from the library instead of his home office. Back home, needing something, she signs up for weekly GLP-1 injections (Ozempic-equivalent) obtained through an online pharmacy despite not meeting typical BMI criteria, seeking a jumpstart from feeling stuck and melancholic, and hoping to lose about 15 pounds. So far, she reports no side effects, with continued gym habits, markedly reduced hunger, and a surprising decrease in the urge to drink wine, which disrupts long-standing food-and-drink routines. To fill the newly freed time, Beatrix makes a project list—build a raised garden bed, find a new therapist, new daily habits, photography lessons, learn Italian, porch repairs, build a porch “pine tree,” and learn audio/video editing—while acknowledging a pattern of starting but not finishing. She frames the podcast and this period as a new chapter and invites listeners to pursue their own unrealized interests.

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Beatrix shares a brief update while sick with a cold after a strongman competition and prepares to fly for Easter to visit “the professor” for the first time at his home. They describe arranging care for their dog with a trusted sitter who lets him roam and enjoys time with other animals. She explains they have been fighting frequently because the professor says they don't open up, share, or make him feel included, while Beatrix attributes some of the conflict to a demanding work schedule and to a deeper issue about maintaining independence after having once been homeless. Reflecting on Virginia Woolf's quotes about men monopolizing and the freedom of the mind, she expresses strong resistance to surrendering agency and says they would choose autonomy if forced to choose. They plan to be offline for about a week and may return early if the visit goes poorly.

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Beatrix recounts competing in a strongman competition for the first time in over a decade, describing the excitement, nervousness, and camaraderie of training and competing with a group of women, along with encouragement from others at the expo. After coming down from the post-event high, she reflects on how rare that shared, in-person connection feels and how everyday life can be lonely, lacking face-to-face conversation and simple communal acts. Beatrix then shares a personal update about their 11-year-old German Shepherd, who has been declining over the past three months, struggling with stairs and losing interest in walks, while a vet-prescribed nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory helps. She discusses the difficulty of knowing when it will be time to say goodbye and aims to be present and patient, ending by reading two Mary Oliver quotes about dogs aging and the joy of dogs running without leashes.

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On a rainy Thursday in upstate New York, Beatrix reflects on how CrossFit introduced her to weightlifting in 2012, after she had never touched a barbell and had once viewed it as an intimidating and male-dominated sport. She describes the shared language and connection found through lifting, and how it became a way to bond over training, setbacks, personal achievements, and, of course, injuries. She recounts personal records from 2012–2013, including a 300-pound deadlift, 185-pound back squat, 110-pound push press, 95-pound power clean, and 115-pound clean and jerk, then contrasts them with her current numbers at 57 years old after a four-year break and with a safer, more health-focused mindset. Emphasizing letting go of ego, she highlights improved fitness, community support, and the importance of simply showing up.

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Beatrix reflects on gratitude for an old house bought sight unseen in 2021 with an FHA loan and little savings, recalling a stressful cross-country move, two weeks living in the car, and a friend’s thoughtful gift of two twin beds that became a comforting routine with the dog. The episode then shifts to ongoing long-distance relationship negotiations with “the professor,” who is 16 years older, retired with a pension and lifelong health insurance, and urges the narrator to quit a rigid 9–5 job to pursue what she “really” wants, offering financial support. Beatrix worries about losing hard-won security and health coverage, admits struggles with follow-through despite ambition, and connects these fears to Virginia Woolf’s A Room of One’s Own, questioning what it means to have the money and space necessary to create.

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Beatrix reflects on feeling unmoored as she gets older without a spouse, children, or living parents, and asks what her “why" is for making decisions and simply getting by. She revisits Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, quoting “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how,” and considers Frankl's shifting sources of purpose in Auschwitz—his manuscript, hope of seeing his wife, professional responsibility, and the idea of meaning in suffering—while acknowledging everyday forms of loss and stress. She connects this to her struggle to consistently record her biweekly podcast, framing it as her own “manuscript” and a potential path toward transformation and purpose. She also discusses Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own (1929) and women's historical lack of property and independence, expressing gratitude for her freedom and ending with a list of simple things she appreciates.

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Beatrix returns to the podcast after prolonged procrastination, feeling drawn to record and aiming to post twice weekly. She updates listeners on a relationship with “Bob,” a retired professor they met on a bike ride, and her anxiety about introducing him to her protective, under-socialized German Shepherd. With guidance from a trusted trainer, they used a slow process involving crating, treats, leashing, and gradual feeding routines, which led to successful bonding; the professor later returned for Christmas, and the dog recognized him, feeling like “a member of the family.” Beatrix notes ongoing relationship hurdles and worries about tolerance after years alone. She also shares excerpts from Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning about choice, human dignity, and inner spiritual freedom.

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